How are you coping today? #5

Posting in my therapy room.

Had portobello mushrooms for breakfast (for energy), had an online session with my T today, and now, seeing this...

Feeling okay, it’s been kind of nice to have permission to switch off from the world, it’s been very quiet and still and peaceful with no obligations.

I thought I did good today. I ate 4 candy bars though. But my anxiety was under control with meds and I got to a few stores that I frequent without any issue.

I woke up and set out presents for FedEx, the USPS postal woman, and the UPS driver, as well as the pickup items I scheduled with USPS (1 package) and UPS (10 packages). I got some of my external chores done, showered, and am now resting in my bedroom. I attempted to give my oven a quick cleaning, though I will need oven cleaner in January.

I still have to deep clean my bedroom and put everything I packed back into my bedroom, so that I can get to my living room and deep clean that. While I'm deep cleaning, I'm also removing any nails or screws and spackling those holes, which will then allow me to sand and paint over that once I get the touch-up paint from the landlady. I'm hoping to get all this done before the new years, as a special gift to myself by my own efforts, and to ring in the new year as clean as can be.

I'm coping well but I feel like crap and I have absolutly no idea why. I've taken all my anxiety meds already. I'm just completly frazzled as to why this happened and so quickly. Yesterday at 5:30PM I was fine. Then 2:30AM when I woke up I was a mess physically and mentally.

I dont feel the weird physical way I did yesterday, but I feel nervous today. Maybe reading cartoon post apocalyptic theories wasnt the best use of my morning. I'm getting worked up about current events stuff but my mom isnt and shes being kinda dissmisive of what I'm feeling.

I cut my own hair. It's not the best haircut in the world, but it's not too shabby either. I followed some brief instructions online to create a somewhat rounded cut for long hair. I needed to cut off my split ends but still have enough length to put my hair in a ponytail. So far, it works well and made my hair appear thicker. All I need to do later is to color my grays and give myself a mani-pedi. I don't have energy for that yet, but I heard that polishing nails has some therapeutic value.

I think what I'm feeling may be non covid related physical stuff after doing some digging around in my files. I contacted my endocronolgist to ask him some stuff. I am not sure I'll get a response with it being the week of Christmas. But this is kind of an important issue.

I am doing ok but am tired. It is so cold here now that I feel like a popsicle. I will be alright. I feel tired at times and need to sleep during the day.

I'm not coping right now. I have avoidant personality disorder and I am in total crisis mode having let someone into my life that now is backing out. Horrible anxiety! I continually make it worse because I can tell he is backing off and then I send him messages begging him to talk to me. And then I feel crazy. Of course he is gonna keep backing off but I can't make myself stop messaging. I sit here and cry cause Im lonely but I'm so scared of this horrible feeling. I just want to scream

same as any other day. I'm not..

I'm taking it one hour at a time to see how my energy levels go.

I'm doing well today. Everything for the most part is under control and I have managed my meds as well as I can. I have a tension pain in my neck and Advil isnt helping. So thats been kinda annoying. Right now I could use my normal meds. Its late for them.

I'm not sure how I'm coping. I think I'm coping through denial/dissociation, and then just under that layer is anger/disgust, and then just under that layer is avoidance/anger, and then just under that layer is helplessness/desperation/depression, and then under that layer is this OCD/anxiety screaming to do more cleaning and organizing. But then my CFS/ME fatigued, middle-aged body is tired and just wants to sleep and consider this a nightmare.

I'm not coping well. I will be all alone for Christmas. Not even my mom is inviting me over. I'm trying to make the best of it but I feel pretty bad. I'm trying to make it better by doing a Christmas day check-in with peers on Zoom.

I hope we can all find some comfort tomorrow and the next day and throughout this December to January holiday season. Maybe we can find our posts online here when we feel up to reading and posting. Maybe we can do chat sometime. I plan on Zooming with one or two people for short periods of time, since I'm alone for the holidays. I will be checking in every few hours on the forums here, too.

I'm available by PM or the messages on my "page" or whatever it is called here. LOL.

Anyway, I hope everyone feels safe and well.

I'm not coping well. My mother is an evil witch. I hate her. I want nothing to do with her.

I did well. I watched Christmas movies instead of the news. I got over my present guilt. I had some treats but I didnt go overboard. I've been visiting my family but taking breaks as well, I've just been popping in and out. I've been doing ok with my prescribed dose of valium and without the dose of the med I've been out of. I dont have that feeling of doom at the moment but I did have it earlier. But its gone now.

I'm not coping well. I'm very upset that I'm all alone. I'm very depressed. I've had enough.

Taking naps is sometime a good thing to do yo feel better.

I went for a walk multiple times today to clear my head today. I felt angry and grief.

I never watched any Christmas movies or shows this year.

I've been dealing with triggers this week, but I don't know what's triggering me. All I know is that I feel anxious and sad and upset. I've always struggled with some triggers around Christmastime - even before the pandemic, so I know it's not only the pandemic that has me worried.

I'm also dealing with this pandemic.

I spent most of my Christmas cleaning and organizing to distract. I tried to come online, but I kept getting triggered for some reason. So I avoided all online activity for a while.

I woke up anxious. I kept it to myself besides sending some annoyed texts to my mom. I stayed on track with my meds. I was annoyed I couldnt get my shopping done but I'll just get it done in the morning. The constant screaming from my nephews all day was annoying. I do feel better now and normally I have nightime anxiety vs morning anxiety. Today was just a bit strange with my moods but I don't think I did that bad handling things.

I had an online T appointment that went really well today. My T got to see my new haircut. I cut my own hair. We both laughed about how we both have wavy hair, so we can get away with hair not properly cut. My hair goes "poof" and springs up when I cut it. It's wavy and curly, so it went from the middle of my back (tangled and all) to now above my shoulders and just under my chin. It looks like the shape of a mushroom top, LOL. But it's straight enough, and I like it. I'm proud of cutting my own hair. It's been over 2 years since I've had it cut professionally. I'm glad I learned to cut it on my own. I color my hair from the kit sold in stores and delivered through the mail - the cheap L'Oreal brand.

I feel better about all my triggers, though we didn't really discuss that. My alters were upset, but they found comfort in the T's words today. We all feel really safe now, and we're focusing on safety. We're not ready for trauma processing yet, but my T said we should try to work together and do it in bits and pieces, but only when we are ready. Some alters are, but not all of us are. I, the main person, am not ready yet. (I have dissociative identity disorder, for those who are unfamiliar with what I'm saying).

Anyways, I'm still anxious, but I'm doing better. I'm still dealing with OCD stuff, but I'm also doing better. I ordered door delivery for later tonight - in about 3.5 hours, give or take. I'm hoping that goes smoothly. I have trash to dump in the indoor trash chute (if it is working and not overly stuffed), and I am hoping that there aren't many neighbors roaming the hallways unmasked, like they usually are, so that I can safely go in my double-mask and goggled and gloved and fully clothed/covered PPE attire to my storage to put away all the boxes and bins that I was able to unpack these past few days. I also need to ride the elevator twice to get mail and packages, as well as to dump recycling outside (and maybe trash, too, if the trash chutes are inoperable). I'm hoping I can do all that, clean and disinfect my perishables before putting them away, and then strip, wash hands, wash glasses, wash hands again, and then shower and get into clean clothes and then hide out in my bedroom behind the closed doors, where the air is the safest. There's always air that comes in from the positive-air-pressured hallways, where unmasked neighbors breathe and sometimes hang out unmasked. So I worry about the virus entering my home that way. I am super careful about spending about 3 hours in my bedroom after a shower, since both my bedroom and the shower doors remain closed whenever I have to open my front door for deliveries and all. My 7 air purifiers also help to purify the air that comes in from shared hallway air. So far, I've been good not to contract anything. I don't wear a mask inside my apartment, but I take precautions like spending time in my bedroom with the doors closed until enough time has passed before any aerosolized virus has settled to surfaces, where they can remain active for another few hours to days, but I'm good about cleaning high-contact areas after 3 hours of me returning from the outside have passed. I've got it down to literally a science. I might still get the virus, but it will be a mild dose - not the full-blown massive dosages people get when hanging in crowds or going unmasked all the time. Yuck!