My father is in the hospital

My father is out of options in terms of treatments. The antibiotics did nothing and the steroids did not help. His disease has progressed since he's been hospitalized. He is now asking for a medication that will allow him to be more out of it and comfortable because breathing is so hard.

I spent a good chunk of time with him yesterday and on Saturday. We will visit him again after work today, but he may be out of it when I talk to him.

Mom asked me if I had anything special to say to him.... I did not. All I could say to my father was that he's been a wonderful father. I could not muster up anything else. My father and I have had a conflicted relationship, mostly when I was a kid but also as an adult. As a result, we've had a more distant relationship, even though I would confide in him and often speak to him for his advice. A a kid, I felt he mentally and verbally abused me, and that he's the reason why I ended up in so many abusive relationships in my adulthood. So, I have conflicted feelings towards my father, and they're coming out now, while he's on his death bed.

I feel guilty for not saying anything more special to him, but I just couldn't do it.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

You are doing what you can.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

Thanks so much, @Bill3.

It's very hard to see someone we love so much in a bad medical situation. It makes one feel so helpless. I went through a tough time when I learned my father had fallen and broken his hip. It was not good; he was never the same, and he died about 2 months later. It was such a terrible time for all of us.

My heart goes out to you. I know he knows you love him. Every display of affection is a positive and powerful thing, and so important, for you, too.

It's very nice of you to bring him pizza. I hope he enjoys it very much.

Wishing you and your family strength and please remember to take care of yourself, as well, during this difficult time....

@MuseumGhost, that sounds very difficult and I am so sorry for your loss.

And thanks so much for your comforting words and well wishes.

He couldn't eat the pizza, after we brought it to him. He is now only drinking Ensure nutrient drinks and is barely able to eat actual food.

We have gone to the hospital every day to see him, and I will continue to go until he passes.

He is now talking about wanting to be home to die. He doesn't want to die in the hospital, understandably.

It could be 1 day, it could be a week, or it could be two weeks or more. We have no idea right now how long he will be able to live. It takes so much effort for him to just breathe. But he is prepared now to move on, mentally. He is no longer holding onto false hopes that he can get better.

So sorry it’s never easy

Thanks so much. It’s very very difficult.

Thanks for the hugs.

I spent some time alone with dad last night in the hospital. I told him my favorite memories of him, and thanked him for all he's done for me, and most especially when he flew solo out to California to rescue me when I had a mental breakdown.

I also got read the riot act about my financial situation. He urged me and my husband to start saving money, to see their accountant and to start building a 401K for retirement. We have nothing at the moment.

As of this morning, he is asking to be on morphine regularly so he doesn't have to work so hard to breathe. It's close to the end, in this case.

He cannot go home to die due to the logistics. He cannot maintain the same oxygen level at home, so he needs to die in the hospital.

I do have mixed feelings based on my upbringing with my father. I have had all sorts of emotions over this because he had been so overly critical of me as a kid and had neglected me. I ended up in many abusive relationships as a result. I have forgiven him, but that doesn't mean I don't have some mixed emotions. He was a far better father to me as an adult, and for that, I am grateful.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

@Bill3, thank you. I always greatly appreciate your hugs and support.

Dad has requested that the whole family come to the hospital this afternoon, so I am taking the day off from work. He is requesting to be on morphine now during the day as well as anti-anxiety meds because he gets anxious about trying to breathe. He is taking the morphine because it's too much work to try to breathe. He will soon be too out of it to talk to us coherently on the morphine combined with the ativan, so we're all going today to say our goodbyes. As of last night, my dad told me he thinks he has about 1-2 days left here.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

I am so very sorry

Thank you, divine.

It was a nice family gathering. We all shared stories and had a few laughs. It was cathartic.

I said goodbye. As I was hugging him, telling him I love him and will miss him, after roughly 30 seconds, I said out loud "ok" and I pulled away. I was crying, but for some reason, I had to pull away and probably a little too soon, since he was still hugging me. I feel guilty, and I don't know why I had to pull away. Maybe because of my mixed emotions?

Mixed emotions, which are so powerful and raw at times like this. Also, our nervous systems can take only so much anguish. Being in this state for long periods of time can wreak havoc with it, and our reactions to things can be quite different from our normal, usual selves. I know this issue personally, too.

I was very depressed when my Dad was in so much pain, and basically dying. It was excruciating for me. When I went for visits, there was only one time when I wasn't alone. Yet, I couldn't ever find the words to say to him, since he always appeared to be sleeping. I didn't want to wake him, as I never knew how much trouble he had getting to sleep, and it was a respite for him. But I could never pull my thoughts together, or find the words to say, to even whisper them to him.

I had to rely on the fact that we had both, in his later years, made amends for a lot of what had been missing when we were growing up. I had to count on him knowing that I loved him, no matter what.

I don't talk about this with very many people. Mostly because it is all so personal and private, I feel. But also because it brings up so much that I still, 12 years later, can't find the right words to convey how I feel about it all.

All I can do is say, I genuinely understand, and sympathize, and wish I could help more than you will ever know.

I am glad your family members are present, and can accompany you through this part of your path.

So sorry to hear what you are going through with your Dad. My Mum had COPD, it's scary watching someone you love struggling to breathe. Hopefully they will make him more comfortable with the anti-anxiety meds.

Hindsight is a perfect science. You did what you thought was right at the time with regards to contacting his sister's family. Please don't beat yourself up about it. Even if he doesn't agree, your Dad will know you were only doing it from a place of love.

My thoughts are with you.

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Thank you so much for your caring.

I understand how it can be difficult to talk about. I have difficulty talking about one very dark aspect of my relationship with my father.

It's beautiful that you had made amends before your dad was sick.

My dad and I never truly made amends.... we tried, but ultimately, I still felt cheated of what I truly needed to hear from him. I never received an apology for hurting me when I was younger.

We still maintained a somewhat close-ish yet distant relationship as adults. He still gave me advice, which leant to us being close. But I would call and want to speak with mom, mostly, which is the distance.

Thank you so much for your supportive words and encouragement.

I did feel I was doing the right thing by contacting his sister's kids. They likely told his sister that he is sick, which is what my father did not want. There's nothing I can do about it now, but yeah, I did think it was OK when I did that. Most importantly, he doesn't want her coming to the funeral, and that will be taken care of, so that's good.

And yes, it is very scary watching him having trouble breathing. He said it's like being pushed under the water by someone. The morphine helps with that tremendously, and the anti-anxiety medication.

He’s now gone. I watched him die. They took him off the oxygen, at his request, and he died an hour later. I will never forget this image as long as I live. He will be greatly missed.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

((((((((Have Hope))))))))

I’m sorry. It’s hard to lose a parent.

Oh no I am so sad for you and your family