[black-roses]

I don't know why my brain had to remind me what I was like in highschool I've done a lot of work so I'm not that person anymore. I guess something's just haunt you with the bad behaviour. I totally don't blame myself for wanting to stay single it's just a stupid dumb **** that makes me a liability for stupid things but we were all teenagers. I guess doesn't make me feel a lot less stupid for it. I guess when men talk to me now I just think holy **** when I have to reveal this **** they're gonna think ick. I guess we all do dumb **** when young. If I told a man they'd just do what the others did maybe use me for sex but I guess. It's this dumb **** that I wish I could tell them I'm sorry for. Anyway, I don't know what Teeg would think of me now. I'm single because of my own stupid behaviour. I have to accept that part of myself that I was desperate for love and affection that I behaved in a promiscuous way. That's just it, it's not even what other people think but yes that's me. In saying that it wasn't all me. It just gives me a headache to think what I was like. I don't care the trauma but I behaved stupidly. I wish I could tell him that I'm a better person now. I guess we all change but no man is gonna look at my past and think oh what a noble and caring woman. They're just gonna think a used "W". So when I tell myself I stayed single for all the right reasons because I know that's the sensible thing to do. Rather than acting disturbing. Also I don't think a man could make sense of me anyway. Not that crazy behaviour. I think when they look at me they'll think who is this nutty slut. When I go to the psychologist can she tell me why I behaved this way? Why I was so slutty why my sexuality was so ****ed up? Can she give me a cure so I stop acting so stupidly. My embarrassment. People assure me I'm not to crazy to understand but when I have that disgraceful behaviour it's hard to overlook the ****ed upness of the foundation and the thoughts. The obsessions. Facing that part of me. No man is gonna see me as a wife material. This is all disgusting and just shameful. I wish I could of been a more noble woman. Maybe I wouldnt have gotten all the creeps. Maybe I'd have a noble man no man is never going to forgive me because what I behaved like is disgusting and disgraceful. No noble man well see a wife but a used *****. So yes I'm single because we'll look at this ****. I wanted friendship so badly, to be understood so badly that I behave so ****ed. How could there be an awesome man that be like oh look my beautiful wife he'd be disgusted. So yeah I guess I earned my reputation.

[unaluna]

You dont HAVE to tell everybody what you did as a teenager. Its none of their business.

If you have a "reputation", then all you can do is act better now. Lots of people get married later in life.

[black-roses]

Well I mention this because I want to behave better. I guess that's true. My mum told me that they don't need to know what I was like. There's that part of me that thinks when you have a partner they need to know everything. However I don't tell my mum everything. So why do I feel this way towards romantic relationships. Very weird. Also why is sexuality such a weird thing for me. It's a weird and difficult subject. There is no medium level towards me just either extreme obsession with it or a complete withdrawal of it. Just no medium thing. I don't know why I care so much what society thinks. This behaviour I want to behave in moderation. I guess maybe there's shame there because I was called the s word a lot in highschool.

[Revenge Tour]

I think it's a safe bet to say most of us raised a little (or a lot) of hell in our younger days. There are plenty of things from my past I wish I could change but I accept what I did and moved on with zero regrets.

Also, don't be in such a rush to land a man. If and when the right one comes along, he'll accept you. Trust me, everyone is flawed so nobody has any right to judge.

[ArmorPlate108]

(((black-roses)))

What Revenge Tour said. Regrets are part of the human condition. It's a rare person, or a liar, that doesn't have them.

There was a show that use to run here in the states (radio and TV), called Loveline. You could call in and ask relationship, mental health, and other uncomfortable questions anonymously. Situations like yours came up a lot. They had a motto on the show, "less history. More mystery."

To take it a step further, a barometer I've learned to use is "is it relevant?" In any relationship, whether friendship or romantic, if something isn't relevant to the relationship, it might be better left unsaid. It's not about keeping secrets, it's just about not sharing irrelevant information. If something becomes relevant at a particular point, then it can be discussed.

Looking back over my long marriage (which has been difficult in recent times due to his ongoing health issues), there are things I wished I hadn't shared with him. Things that served no purpose in the relationship and probably made him look at me with different eyes. And the weird truth is that they aren't a problem for me, they are a problem for him. I may have failed to consider that it would have been kinder to spare him certain information- simply because he couldn't handle it.

And the reality is that after you've lived for a while, pretty much everyone has skeletons in their closet, so the guys you meet are likely to have those too. If I were ever in a position where I was entering a new romantic relationship, I'd readily accept that the man had his own share of past deeds, and it wouldn't matter (within reason). Honestly, for me. A man who's life had been charmed and run smoothly, a man who would expect some unrealistic perfection in a woman as a romantic partner, would be completely unrelatable to me.

[black-roses]

Thanks. The guys you talk I know I met guys like that. That would give me **** about my body because it wasn't perfect or whatever expecting me to behave in a certain way. Just expected them to over look me because of the extra kilos or whatever but I realize maybe I just been talking to men that have unrealistic expectations. Also dating apps are ladden with just men that show you there body parts or ask for your nudes. I always get so angry with those types when the average woman would just overlook it and not pay attention to it but I would remunitate on it for ages. Or just think something along the lines when a man asks me out on a date I automatically think there just gonna get rid of me. I often think I should look in other countries just insecure men here and so many controlling types too. I just found it so tedious when I'm friends with a guy that I don't have feelings for and he's like always trying to make it a relationship, and then just does respect my boundaries always talk about there mental health. That being bent like that exhausted me and I still wonder and worry of being in a compromising position.

[black-roses]

I just find it so hard to know when it's appropriate to and I think part of it to do with my childhood, that I didn't know when to place boundaries. It spilled into my adulthood, so it's a weird world for me to think I want love but it's exhausting to be around people. It's just a brain always with millions of thoughts. I never have peace from these thoughts.

[Embracingtruth]

I believe you're misguided by the notion of a perfect race which you believe others have run, but you have been unable to accomplish. The truth is the perfect race is the myth. Making mistakes, especially when we're young, is common place. Instead of apologizing for what comes natural to all of us, accept your past as a learning tool to grow and be better. That's the value of making mistakes. We all become better people for it. Dating someone is not about exploring how you grew into the person you are today. You're not under evaluation for your past. Embrace who you are, learn from your past, and move forward.