Falling once again.

Once again I can feel the fall, rapidly, into the deep, dark abyss. Tears are falling, I'm falling. . . it's always the same. . . why do I ever bother trying?

My heart is broken. I feel so alone. I don't even know if anybody likes me anymore. I'm a total screw-up. God, it's really hitting me hard this time. Middle of the night....alone...isolated....not knowing what further heartbreak the morning light will bring .... I don't even want to know . .... I know it's not going to be good....it never is....I'm so self-destructive....my heart feels heavy and quiet....but yet the tears are streaming....I'm my own worst enemy....I bring it on myself....I should never voice my feelings.....f'd up feelings....they always get me into trouble.....rejection follows.....inevitable rejection....I can't handle the rejection....it's all my f'ing fault!!! DAMN F'ING FEELINGS!!!

((((AngelGirl)))) You are not alone. I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I like you and you are not a total screw-up. I know how scarey the night can be. Hang in there. The morning always comes. It is not your fault. Keep expressing your feelings no matter what they may be. Warm thoughts and hugs your way, if wanted.

AngelGirl,
I completely understand what is going through your head, even if the reasons we got there are different.
And I am going through the same Hell. And although I cannot offer any good advice at this time, I want you to know that I am trying to hold on....and I hope you can too.
It is rough and it seems like we only have one choice out.
I know that all too well.
You can PM anytime.
Susan

((((((((((((((Angelgirl))))))))))))))) We are with ya. You are not alone.

Hello AG --

It is your disease talking, telling you that you are alone and all the other horrors it whispers through our minds.

One of the sayings that I learned in a 12-step program is "You are not your disease."

Finding out who the "you" is who is separate from the disease is a lifetime journey. You are walking that trail. It is a hard journey sometimes. But hang in there and treasure the bright spots, even if they are only moments, when they come.

((((((((((((((((((((((AngelGirl))))))))))))))))))))

eliza, thanks for your very kind words, thoughts and hugs. Much appreciated. It is all my fault. It's always all my fault.

Susan. I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this same horrible pain. If you're like me, then it is all so familiar but that doesn't make it any less painful. I hope you find some relief from your pain soon. I'm here for you if you want to talk. ((((((((( Susan )))))))))

Thanks for your comfort and presence esthersvirtue. Knowing there are people here means a lot to me.

wants2 sweetie, it's so good to see you posting once again. Have you completed your soul-searching or maybe that is also a life-long journey. (((((((((( wants2 ))))))))))

I really don't know where I end and the disease starts or vice versa. We are so intertwined it feels like the same thing to me now. I feel engulfed by this disease. For once, I'd like to see one of those so-called 'bright spots'. I wonder if there are any left for me. I don't think so. I only know of the blackness of the darkness. In the dark I can no see but only my misery and pain. They choke out everything else. Thanks for the hugs.

My heart continues to break even more today. Why do I hang on and hope that someday people will accept me again? Instead my hearr shatters into a milion pieces. It will never heal, instead my heart bleeds black tears.

I have counted 16 ppl that respond to you on your posts, sweetie ppl care, you just have to give them time to get online there not always on the same time you are
Angie

(((((((((((((AG))))))))))))

I will catch you if you fall. We are all here for you. Always. Your such an exceptional person. A wonderful. I see it. Others see it also. Things often seem dark for me as well. Hold on to that little light left inside of you. It's there within you. Lean on us in the meantime.

HUGS and more HUGS!!

Luv,

I made that comment about friends and if I still had any in the middle of the night. I didn't know how anybody was going to react to my actions and if they would still be friends with me. I really put myself on the line. But I'm still very depressed but glad my friends have stayed with me. I'm very very grateful for that. But there always seems to be something, always.

(((((((AG)))))))))

I'm leaning, I'm leaning cuz that little light is barely visible.

AG, I apologize about the 16 ppl responding to your posts, it is 18 ppl can I get a possitive reaction from you on this, have read my post do you accept the information, ppl respond to you

AG
I am here and I feel your pain. It has to hurt really bad for you to want to give up. But please do not give into those demons. I am still hanging in there. I wanted to give up the other night but I fought them and won. I have to fight them everyday. You can do it, your strong, your beautiful......you have friends here that care and love you.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{AG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks Angie. I'm very pleasantly surprised that so many people actually like me after last night's postings. That makes me 'happy'. Thank you for doing the legwork to check that out. That means a lot to me. When I posted last night, I was wondering by daybreak if there would be anybody who would post to me anymore. I'm glad that there are. Obviously there are some very caring, loving, supportive people here that I know that I can count on and that means the world to me. Maybe I should've posted in this forum a long time ago. You're a good friend Angie to take the time to check into that for me.

(((((((((( Angie ))))))))

(((((((((( 18 ppl who are responding to me ))))))))

For the first time in a very long time, I'm seeing that I am wanted and loved here. For those who turn their backs on me, I wish them no ill, but I'm putting them behind me so that I can move on and not dwell on the negative. I'm just starting to learn to do that, to accept the fact that not everybody is going to like me. That's been a hard sell for me, as Angie knows very well, but I am still likable, dang, maybe even lovable by many others and I will try to concentrate on those people and leave the others in my past. But for those I leave behind, I wish them all great happiness and peace in their lives. I pray sometime that they may receive that. I, myself, am still looking for my happiness and peace. Very hard things to achieve I think. But if you can find peace in your life, I think you have found all that you will ever need. That is my goal, to find peace. Of course, it is a long way off in my future and will take many mini-goals along the way before I can find peace. Peace, hope, love, happiness, charity, faith. All things that we can find through God. I also need to find God and let Him back into my life. All things are possible through God. I need to find a way to replenish the faith that I once had before my mental illnesses became apparent in my life about 4 years ago. 4 very long and hard years.