[vacantangel]

Just curious. Is it one reason, 2, several, maybe you don't even know why? For me, it seems that life's events keep throwing me off the cliff. Sometimes it happens for no apparent reason and that's more frustrating to not know why. I, at least need to have a reason.

I don't think my depression is leaving me anytime soon. It's partly because of my Mom's state of health and how her life is now in chaos, continual chaos. The stupid thing about it, is that she is doing better with accepting it than I am. I don't know why I can't just accept what her life has been reduced to if she can accept it. I know she doesn't like the way her life is now. So why has she comes to terms with it and I haven't? Doesn't make any sense to me. How do you learn to accept life's cruel and twisted turns. It's been several weeks now and it seems hardly a day goes by when there isn't something happening around my Mom's health. My brother is fighting with my sister and I over the tiniest little things. My sister and I are getting along great. Maybe my brother isn't handling the stress either so he's quick to anger. You can't even ask him a simple question and he loses it. He won't even talk with me on the phone. We had a huge falling out last summer and we finally had to agree to just forget about it and move on. We never resolved the situation, neither of us budged. We both think each of us are right. Ever since then, he's afraid of me. He's not used to dealing with me since my BP surfaced. He doesn't live near the rest of the family, which has gotten used to my neverending mood swings and has learned to go with the flow. I don't fight with any of them. But my brother has been very hands off in my life in the last few years so he's not used to me with mental illnesses. So now he avoids me in order to keep the peace between us.

In addition to my Mom, I'm lonely, *really* lonely. I don't have a man in my life. I want one. I want to be loved. I can't seem to let that idea go. I wish I could cuz it keeps my in a depressed cycle. I HATE being depressed. I'm tired of being depressed. Sometimes it even gets really scary. I'm scared some day I might just give up all together. I can see it very much happening. Maybe not today, tomorrow, next week, or next month but then again maybe it will be. I just get so tired of not being loved the way I want and need to be loved. How do I accept a life without that? What is the point with a life without someone who loves you? I have so much love to give to someone but nobody to give it to. I'm just so tired of it all. I'm tired of wanting someone to love me when I know it's not going to happen. Who would even want me and all my BP crap anyway. Nobody wants that. And then there's all the traumas I've endured in my life and the impact they have on me and my actions. Who would want to buy into such a pandora's box. I'm damaged goods. I'm not easy. I'm always going to be alone. Nobody could ever want me and all the crap that comes with me. DAMN!!! I wish I could be normal. Maybe then somebody would love me but not the way I am now.

I'm too broken and so is my heart,
forever broken,
forever alone,
forever lonely,
forever unloved,
forever depressed,
forever without any hope.

Life sucks and then you die alone and lonely with no one to love.

[jmo531]

Quote: Just curious. Is it one reason, 2, several, maybe you don't even know why? For me, it seems that life's events keep throwing me off the cliff. Sometimes it happens for no apparent reason and that's more frustrating to not know why. I, at least need to have a reason.

For me AG, I think my depression has alot to do with me, my inner me. I seemed to have breezed by in life not ever getting to know myself, know my own interests, to know my likes, my dislikes. It seems that one day it hit me. I dont like me. But why? It is because I dont know me. Not at all.
I wonder about this revelation if it is too late now to get to know me. It's like started a relationship, a long term relationship. With myself. Very scary, new, different and extremely difficult. I beleive this is because I am so judgmental of myself that I only see the negative. Thus, hating myself and everything about me. This I beleive is one big source of mt depression.

Quote:I don't think my depression is leaving me anytime soon.

I dont believe my depression will leave me anytime soo either. I have so much work to do on myself. It would be too easy to give up now. It's like putting a puzzle together or reading a good book. Your just not satisfied it until you have completed it. You can look at this in a negative manner or take the more difficult approach and look at it in a positive manner. Its about inner strength. And having the will and determination to overcome. I'm not saying it is easy by any means. I just think its easier to stay idle in a depression rather then attempt to bring yourself out of it.

Quote: In addition to my Mom, I'm lonely, *really* lonely. I don't have a man in my life. I want one. I want to be loved. I can't seem to let that idea go.

I think companionship is very, very important. But I get confused. Kind of a gray area for me. How can one be in a relationship, which the ultimate goal is to share love, compassion, interests, likes, dislikes, etc, when your depression is so great that it seems to monoplize your life? How can the other party in the relationship get what they deserve out of the relationship if the other can not give all of themself. Ya know? How is that fair? I dunno. I dont even know if any of this makes any sense.

Quote: I just get so tired of not being loved the way I want and need to be loved. How do I accept a life without that?

I dont think that you need to accept that. I think this related to question # 1. Learning to love yourself, like your self is most important. Once that is acheived, love will find you. You will be more open and apt to starting a life long relationship that starts out with happiness.
In the meantime, I think that dating, hanging out and stuff is a good idea. Gets you out and active. Gets your mind off things and lets you release tension all the while bringing you joy.

Quote:
I'm too broken and so is my heart,
forever broken,
forever alone,
forever lonely,
forever unloved,
forever depressed,
forever without any hope

Your heart will mend. In time. I know it.

You are not forever broken (we will help)

You are not forever alone. (you got us)

You ar not unloved. (we love you)

Depression bad now. Will not last forever. Your strong AG, I know you are. You have got something in you that is a spark. You dont want to give up you want to be happy. I know this. I know this because you have so much love to give. You have not only been there for me but countless others here and have helped them through some very difficult situations. Your a caring, kind, gentle soul.

I will end this post here. I feel like I am rambling on and not making much sense at all. If this post is confusing, I am sorry.
Your cared about angelgirl. So much so that I cant begin to explain. Dear friend, take care of yourself. Your so worth it.

[jmo531]

havent hear from you all day AG. How ya doing?

[Wants2Fly]

((((((((((((((((((((AngelGirl))))))))))))))))))

Angel... I don't even know what to say other than I hope you feel better soon. I hate to see you back in the abyss. It's just not right for someone as wonderful as you to feel so wretched.

Ry

[mrsp]

yup i do. i just want a normal average life. funny but its never worked out that way. my mother left when i was 9 and off i went to first relatives houses where i was abused, then to foster homes and viola the same thing. i married an alcholic at the age of 18 thinking it was normal for people our age to party all the time, i should have figured my age maybe but he was 27 and by the age of 47 he was still "partying". it took me 16 years to leave, i walked out on everything a beautiful home, boat good job, packed up my then 9 & 12 year olds and left. started a life of my own. it was going pretty good. i worked, supported my two children and learned how to be an independent person so i thought. i swore i would never get married again. then comes along james and wham i fell in love. a year later were married. thought my life was on an uphill track. then wham, i learn my love has a dark side which i cant describe on here except to say he is a sociopath, i married ted bundy before he did his thing. now im trapped in a nightmare and cant get out. i cant afford to move on my own, not anymore everything is so expensive and i get no support from my ex. i cant go anyplace with him, do anything with him because im always wondering what he is thinking as he is "looking" so i go to work and come home to my place with the burg system which not for the outside world but for fear of what could happen inside if he loses control or his meds dont work. you know his doc couldnt not assure me that he would never hurt me or anyone else....well oh he has hurt others forgot about that, his sister when he was 15 and his ex wife, i would love to elaborate but not permited, but he drugged her and the rest is history. only thing is i should have been told of this history before i got married. sometimes i feel like i must have done something wrong in my first life, why else would i punished my whole life. so you see i know why im depressed. pss...as you can see im feeling pretty bad tonight, i have good days when i can deal with it and not so good days today is one of those.

i'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. you must be feeling very down.....is the house in your name? are there any women's shelters in the town where you live? i hope you can find a safe space as we all need to feel safe.....xoxo pat

[vacantangel]

I'm sorry to hear that you've had to deal with so much. It just seems like one thing after another for you. I was just going to suggest the same thing that Pat did, finding a women's shelter where you and your children could be safe. Please don't give up hope. There must be a way for you to break free . Whatever you do, please be safe, you and your children. ((((((((((((( mrsp ))))))))))))

BTW: welcome to PC. Keep posting. We'll be here to listen to you and support you.

[mrsp]

hi, no there are no womens shelters here. plus he only hurts me during sex. there is so much more, its difficult to explain. you have to know some history on his disorder (dysfuntion) to understand what i mean. he has had this since before he reached puberty. so much more, sometimes its easier to deal with and sometimes not.

[Hope4me2]

Angel

I will not ramble on but I want to say one thing about your post and that is about your Hope at the end. There is HOPE for you. Because if there is Hope for me there is Hope for you too. There is Hope for everyone. My T has told me this and I believe it and I am holding on tight to it. My daughter went and bought me a bracelet one of those rubber ones it is purple and it has HOPE on it and I wear it all the time day and night never take it off. It reminds me that my T says there is Hope that I can beat this Depression and beat these demons and get onto a healthier life. He believes it and he has lived it himself. His life has not been easy either and knowing what I know about him gives me HOPE for myself. So that it where I get my Hope4me2.......and there is hope for you too Angel so please know your loved and cared for......take care of yourself

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{[hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

[vacantangel]

It's strange Jen. I've come to the same realization. My T asked me today what my interests were and I told her I didn't know. She asked me what they were before my BP surfaced. I again said I didn't know. I know I like music, I've always liked music. Other than that, I guess I'm in the same boat as you. I'm curious on how you are discovering who you are? How exactly are you doing that? I'm so lost that I don't even know where to begin to find me and I certainly don't like me, I HATE me. I can honestly say that the only time I've ever been truly *happy* in life is when I drank. And I mean DRANK, a LOT. I got drunk every night. But that allowed the true me to emerge and I lapped up every second of life then. But as all good things do, it came to an end. Maybe I need to start drinking again so the inner me who is screaming to get out, can.

Well I kinda got the wind knocked out of my sails in therapy today. I told her about the 2 issues in my first post above in this thread and I said if I could accept both of those issues in my life and move on from them, then I wouldn't be depressed anymore. What denial that was. Her reply to me was that I'm dealing with a chemical imbalance in my brain, and being BP, I will always have to deal with depression. I know she's right. Who was I ever fooling before.

Yea, your comments all make sense. I guess that's my denial of BP again. Every prior relationship I've had with a guy in my life was before my BP surfaced. It wasn't an issue. I guess my denial was telling myself that love would conquer all? My whole life is a f'ing lie. I'm right by saying I'll never have anybody, who would want this pandora's box of emotions? Why can't love cure all things? Life SUCKS!!!

I think you're wrong, I do have to find a way to accept that I'll always be alone. Nobody is gonna come swooping down and love me with all of the crap that comes with me. C'mon, let's be realistic. What guy wants such a difficult life? Love shouldn't have to be so hard. LOVE SUCKS!!! I HATE IT!!! IT ONLY BRINGS ME HEARTACHE!!! I don't want a heart that is broken, but that's my destiny. That's my reality and the sooner I learn to accept that, then that will be one less issue for me to think about.

What's the point or advantage of loving myself when nobody else will? It won't matter. Joy? WTF is that?

It no longer matters about my broken heart. Strong? I don't know why people keep telling me I'm strong. I'm not. I'm fragile and weak. I know I have friends here and I'm forever grateful for that. but I crave and need an IRL love. Someone to hold me and give me a *REAL* hug. I'll never have that. Be happy? Of course I'd love to be happy, whatever that is, but it's not going to happen, ever. My BP will see to that. What I get is a LIFE SENTENCE of pain and heartbreak. My shattered heart.

Thx for trying Jen but after today's T appt, I feel worse than yesterday. I'm once again falling . . . . . . and the tears fall too.

[vacantangel]

Busy day today. First the pdoc, then T, then fill all my scripts at drug store, buy gas, come home and here I is. I answered how I am in my last reply.

How are you today? Hope it was better than mine.

Oh and btw, my stupid pdoc, screwed up the dosages on 2 of my scripts. I gotta remember to double check what she is doing before I leave her office. And she gets paid how much?

[vacantangel]

Thanks for the hugs wants2. Sending some back in return. (((((( wants2 ))))))))

I would like to add something in this thread. I've always believed that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. Both of the psych docs that I've seen recently term in an "illness" and both have told me that I cannot go it "alone".....NOT that I wanted to!!! But I believe if acceptance could be achieved and we would quit thinking it is some sort of a character defect, we'd be on the road to recovery by doing that. It's not a character defect and I'm beginning to feel that believing that gives us something to hide behind. I say we go to therapy and take our meds.....my full time therapy starts in April! I'm so excited........pat

[vacantangel]

Thanks Ry. Wretched is a good word for today.

(((((((((( Ry )))))))))

[vacantangel]

Oh sweetie, my heart goes out to you in a real big way. Is there not some sort of crisis line you can call that could help you, 911? I'm grasping here for you. (((((((( mrsp )))))))

[vacantangel]

Hi Hope4me2. I believe there is hope for a lot of people, but not for me. This is my life in the present and the future. I will not have an IRL love. I will never have a man to love me, to hold me, to hug me, to kiss me ever again. It's not to be. I know that now.

[vacantangel]

Pat, do you think I'm saying it is a character defect? I guess I don't understand. I always knew it was a chemical imbalance but for me to think that if I could accept and move on from my 2 issues would resolve my depression, I was wrong. Being BP is for life. It means continuing to take my slew of meds and continuing with my therapy. I look forward to my therapy appt every week so I understand your excitement. I hope you 'click' with your new T. You'll have to let us know how it goes. It's good to have someone to help work through your issues with you and help with the negative thinking that I have. I'm very excited for you. I don't know what I would do without my therapy.