[dolphinmkr44]

Not sure if this is where this goes, but I am really feeling like my life is over. I feel like such a failure, horrible, mean person. I don't deserve anything, and my husband and son don't deserve a mom and wife that can't be there for them the way I should be.

I am even trying to run away from my T. He has been so good, but now that we are in some tough stuff, I just want to quit. I can't take all this anymore. All I do is think about the next session and how much of a fool I was in the last one. I don't even know if I trust him anymore. I certainly don't trust anyone else to share my deepest darkes secrets too.

When will all the hurt, pain, agony, feelings of guilt and shame end??

[Junerain]

Sounds like you are hard on yourself, you are probably not a perfect wife & mother, but I am sure you do your best...you are probably pretty good at bothMaybe you can focus on positives with your T, taking the bad and making it good..have you told your T you have mixed feelings about going there in recent sessions? God created you and he does not make mistakes, you sound like you try to always be the best you can be..I used to be hard on myself but I cut myself a break_, and now I see where I am and am happy just in that....write more, we care here

[dolphinmkr44]

We talk every week about my mixed feelings about therapy. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a week I have to go in. I expressed some thoughts I've had and now I feel even more like a bad mother. Also I shared some thoughts I had about him, you know like he is taking that role of a father. I never got that, mine always abused me.

I just can't seem to get my life together. I feel so dead inside and I don't think it's worth a life anymore. I even started cutting recently. My husband will leave me if he finds out how bad I am then I will lose my son. He is the only reason I wake up everyday. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't be here.

[Junerain]

What things do you enjoy that WOULD help you 'get your life together'? Any strengths, talents, things you always enjoyed? Does your husband love you unconditionally, or are you afraid, no, he does not? There is also a forum for cutting here, that is frequented by other cutters they may have some insight to the why's of feeling like doing this, but please keep writing in this forum too, I care about you

[Pomegranate]

dol Are you currently on any kind of medication? Do you see a psychiatrist as well as your therapist? If not, that might make a big difference right there.

Are you sharing your feelings that life is not worth living and thoughts of self injury with your therapist and pdoc? I would suggest you do, if you aren't. They may then change or start you on medication which could really make a difference for you.

A little over 2 months ago I was feeling the same way you are, that life isn't worth living, or I was not worth being around. I went back to my therapist and pdoc, got my medications changed a bit, now I am feeling better. Not great or wonderful, but at least I feel I can continue to tackle my problems in my life.

Have you let you therapist know how foolish you feel. That's something in you - it's got nothing to do with him most likely. Let him know this, he should be able to help you with those feelings and reassure you. Tell him, and your pdoc everything that's going on inside of you RIGHT NOW.

Glad to see you are here for help and support, and maybe some smiles.

[dolphinmkr44]

Thanks June and Pom.

My husband says he loves me, I don't trust him though. If you couldn't tell I have major trust issues. I don't believe anything he tells me. I used to enjoy baking and reading were my big two things. Now all I do is work of which I am having trouble there too, and go home and be with my son. He is everything to me. He is my life. I live for him.

As far as a pdoc. I did have one. He did get my meds worked out. Well better than what I was donig. I am not as suicial as I was, but this week as been way to much for me so I am all out of wack. I got rid of my pdoc though. I couldn't go in and tell him how I was truely feeling. I am so afraid he would put me in the hospital. In fact I know he would. What's the point of going to someone if I don't trust them. I know I have to find another one but I am just to scard and not able to trust anyone.

I only trust my T, well most of the time. Somedays it's hard for me to tell him how I feel, but I always end up telling him at some point. He always understands once I talk about my feelings, it's just getting to that point. It's so scary for me. I am afraid he is going to yell at me or diminish my feelings. He has never done anything like that and never will. At least I don't think he will. My T is the only one I truely feel safe with.

[Pomegranate]

Well it's great you have your T then! Try to let him know how bad you really are feeling, talk to him about how you even sometimes have a difficult time trusting him. Also about your fear of being hospitalized. They will usually work with you, my pdoc and T do for me.

I'm glad you aren't so suicidal. Have you thought about couples counseling with your husband? Maybe that would help you trust him more?

[dolphinmkr44]

Suicidal, I go between being and not being all day. I just try to think of my son. I do tell my T about my feelings of how bad I am, trusting him and going to the hospital. I am just so overwhelmed this week. I know if I get in contact with him he will suggest I go to the hospital right away. I've been trying to hold off on calling him.

I want to go to couples counseling, my T even said to my husband that he thinks we should go, but my husband feels that you go to counseling to be told how bad and wrong you are. he just dosen't get the point of T.

Thanks for your support Pom.

Originally Posted by dolphinmkr44

Not sure if this is where this goes, but I am really feeling like my life is over. I feel like such a failure, horrible, mean person. I don't deserve anything, and my husband and son don't deserve a mom and wife that can't be there for them the way I should be.

I am even trying to run away from my T. He has been so good, but now that we are in some tough stuff, I just want to quit. I can't take all this anymore. All I do is think about the next session and how much of a fool I was in the last one. I don't even know if I trust him anymore. I certainly don't trust anyone else to share my deepest darkes secrets too.

When will all the hurt, pain, agony, feelings of guilt and shame end??

TRUST in it's self is a MAJOR issue. Then opening up. I understand how you feel with your Therapist. It's tought opening up then the session ends.
As for your family - there is no one no one better than you to be with them.