Long day

Today I went to see my doctor. I've only met her once before, because I was diagnosed by a doctor at my hospital, and from then on all of my medical stuff has been taken care of by my doctor in Scotland. I told her that I've been having mood swings, that I'm easily upset, that I'm starting to feel run down and unhappy. She asked me what was going on in my life, what I thought might be contributing to this ...

I burst into tears. In the middle of her office, in front of a woman I've only met once. It was humiliating. She had to keep reminding me to breathe. She was really good about it, and she got me to calm down and she's raised my meds and is going to have one of the practice's therapists call me as soon as possible. It was still really embarassing to have to walk out of that office and through a waiting room full of people, face all puffy from crying. Then I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes and fell apart. I met up with my best friend right after the appointment and she just hugged me for a long time then distracted me with lunch and shopping and talked about nothing that involved a whole lot of thought or emotional involvement. I'm really lucky to have her.

I'm home now and I feel like crying again. I don't want to feel like this any more. I don't want to go back to therapy, to have to go through the whole process of getting to trust a new therapist ... it takes me forever to open up, to so much as make eye contact when I have to talk about myself and my depression. I want to, I want to SO BADLY because I know that getting everything off my chest is what I need to do, and being honest with my T is the only way they can help me, but it's like the words make it to my throat, then just stop, and I find myself saying anything other than the things I really need to say.

I don't have time for the appointments this is going to take even though I know I really need them -- but I can't take time off from work to go to therapy, and I'm certainly not going to tell my boss/co-workers that I'm depressed. I guess I'm going to have to, but I'm still worried about messing with my work schedule ... I don't want them to think it's because I'm lazy and don't want to work, but I don't want them to think that I have any serious health problems either.

Today, my boss gave me tomorrow off because she realized she'd booked two people to work the same shift. I REALLY need the day off, to curl up by myself and just be quiet and calm. I'm curled up with my dogs right now, wearing one of my dad's shirts because it smells like warmth and love and security, crying yet again even though I really thought I had no tears left to cry. I just want to be left alone, I want to be very still and silent and do nothing at all. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep. I want to escape.

awwww hun

I'm glad you could go to your doctor. Maybe there's a way you can fit in therapy around your work schedule. And so glad you have that friend

Its hard to talk. In the past I've made plans, I've written stuff out.... the plans fail and the stuff I wrote out to give the T stays in my purse. It's a skill... it takes time to learn. I still haven't yet , but I have gotten better at it.

Keep going, get some sleep tonight.

It's good that you have your friend there to give that bit of support when you really needed it. And there's nothing to feel bad about from bursting into tears there - if anything that was absolutely the right place to do so - it's a clear demonstration of how you feel to a medical professional, who's there to help.

As turquoisesea said, could you ask them to schedule any appointments to be either before/after work, or during a break period?

(((((justfloating))))) So sorry this has happened to you. I think that all of us on PC can relate to how you are feeling. I have to say that I really think that you should copy/ print your posts and take them to your therapist. There is just something about you and your ability to get your words into print that is just outstanding. If you are having a hard time communicating with your therapist this is the way I think that you should do it. You are truly a wonderful, caring person with a lot of writing talent. I know that you want to be a writer and you are good at it. But right now I think it is a good weapon against your depression. Just a thought - take care - good luck - hugs for your day.

(((((justfloating)))))

I agree with the others that have posted here.

Don't be embarrassed about crying in the doctors office. I know it can be a bit embarrassing, but just remember that other people there understand...especially the doctor.

I love the idea that depressedalaskan had, to print out your posts and take them to your therapist! I actually did that with some of my journal entries, and I even gave an invite to my private blog to my therapist, all of which really helped a lot. I have a hard time telling everything in the way that I want to, or even at all...so I can understand that too. It can be hard trusting someone enough to tell them what you really want to say, instead of just what you think they want to hear as well. It's scary.

I hope that you can set up a convenient schedule to see your therapist. It seems like that will be a big help to you, to talk to someone like that.

I know I need to start going to my therapist again, and I'm mixed about it. I always feel so much better when I go, which has been over a year now, and I struggle to get everything out to my therapist.

Wishing you the best, and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

(((((justfloating)))))
I can really relate to what you wrote. Last week when I went to the psychiatrist the insurance insisted I meet with, I was very worried that I would have to fake it a bit since I have been feeling a bit better lately and then I got into his office, and believe me, I did not have to fake it, as soon as we started talking I burst into tears and did not stop until the session was over, I felt so stupid the whole time I was with him, someone I had never met and here I was crying like a child. Since then I have realized that I am really not doing as well as I thought and that I need more help than I thought. I could not believe my reaction in his office but I have come to think that there was a reason for it. I hope this makes sense to you...
I have a special friend also and when I am in his company, hugs and understanding help me a lot. But when he leaves I am back with my thoughts and fears.
I hope you feel better soon and do the things that will make you feel better. You are also very hard on yourself, be good to yourself, you really are a wonderful person and you matter

Thanks everyone for all of your kind words of support.

It's all set up ... I've got the extra meds, I've got an appointment to see a T in two weeks... I'll just have to wait and see I guess.

Today I just indulged the depression, because I felt like I had to. I needed to take a day to wallow in self-pity, to sleep on and off, to be by myself and just let it have me. Eventually I managed to drag myself to the bookstore where I used to work and a lot of my friends are still there, so I curled up in a chair and read until they closed and sat quietly with a friend afterwards who knows about my depression and could tell I wasn't doing so great. After having spent so long fighting it back I was too exhausted to do it anymore, and now that I've had my day of not fighting I think tomorrow I'll be able to get up and go again. I'm trying hard not to be too hard on myself for needing to up my meds or go back to therapy. It sucks because I feel like I'm just going backwards, and I'm nervous about meeting and having to learn to trust a new T, but the last time my depression got bad, upping my meds and starting therapy not only saved my life, but did me a WORLD of good. So I'm going to try to look at this as an opportunity to get back to how good I was feeling a few weeks ago.

Way to go ((((justfloating)))) we are here to give you all the support that we can. Take care and good luck.

(((((((((((((((((( justfloating ))))))))))))))))))