[jacq10]

Last night I had a dream about my former mother-figure I had at the boarding school I went to for high school. For the purposes of this I will refer to her as ST from here forward..

So it was just ST and I in her study, and I apologized for how I was acting when I visited before Christmas. (background: she was rude to me and I was really hurt, but ended up acting more distant than upset). I told her that my being angry with her, was really just a reflection of how hurt I was. That by being angry it made it easier to leave, and it made it easier to know that she would no longer be in my life. But now that I was back, I realised that I was wrong, and I wanted her back in my life. She then told me that she was sorry I felt this way and that there was no reason to apologize. She then told me though, that she hadn't even realised that I was angry with her, and that she was sorry for not having any "skills" as a housemaster to realise this (not sure what the skills part was all about). We then got in a long conversation about how much I loved her and just our relationship in general.

She then had a picture of the two of us - I think it was from my grad dinner - because she was holding me in her arms. She said that (referring to this picture) was the way that therapy (??) was suppose to be. That being close and providing loving support was how she did things and that she believed it to be the best way of caring for someone. I then said that I didn't believe in that, and that therapy should be about boundaries because if you show someone that amount of love and support you're only going to hurt them. If you show them that much caring, its only setting them up for disappointment, because ultimately, that relationship will end and you (being her) will go on with your life.

A lot of the dream was me hugging her, or having my head in her lap.... I think it was because I fell asleep I was thinking of good huggers I know, and she is definitely at the top.

There were some other things that happened, but that was the gist of it. Anyhow, I woke up feeling pretty upset. I'm pretty sure I was actually crying because my eyes were all swollen and my nose was runny. And when I first woke up, I was convinced that I needed to email her and tell her what I had in my dream... that having her back in my life was actually a possibility, and all I needed to do was tell her. But then I thought of how blatently rude she was to me while we were there back at Christmas (not acknowledging me talking at the table at breakfast the next morning, and pretty much ignoring me for 10 mins before she said hi initially) and I thought - screw her!

But while I say that, and can intellectually rationalize why I would be feeling like this having a dream like that... there is still a huge part of me that wishes I could actually just hug her and have her back in my life.

What I need you guys to do is tell me how stupid an idea that is, and convince me NOT to email her. You guys are way more rational on this subject then me.

[depressedalaskan]

Sorry ((((jacq10)))) I don't have the answer only hugs.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( jacq ))))))))))))))))

((((jacq10)))))))))))))) I can see by your dream you are missing her. The connection you felt?And still do feel?
Just a thought can you e mail her and tell her how you feel about everything?
good luck to you and know you matter

[jacq10]

Originally Posted by muffy

((((jacq10)))))))))))))) I can see by your dream you are missing her. The connection you felt?And still do feel?
Just a thought can you e mail her and tell her how you feel about everything?
good luck to you and know you matter

((((muffy))))

See, I actually have already been over that with her... about 2 years ago actually. The thing is, our last encounter was just too much that I vowed I wouldn't be in contact with her unless she initiated it (which I SERIOUSLY doubt will ever happen). To contact her now would just be ... useless. I know exactly the response that I would get .... she would apologize and say that we can try and do better at keeping in touch, but it wouldn't happen. I don't see much use in getting my heart more smunched in.

I have a little better perspective now on this today, and I can see that I shouldn't be in touch with her ..... the pain however, still there

Thanks for the replies and support everyone... it means more than you know

[FooZe]

Hi Jacq, I know you only from some of your recent posts and ST not at all, so I figure that qualifies me to let my imagination run wild. I hope you'll find some use for any lucky guesses I may make and correct my unluckier ones as necessary.

Originally Posted by jacq10

(background: she was rude to me and I was really hurt, but ended up acting more distant than upset).

I was wondering what message you actually got from what you're calling her rudeness -- that she was expressing some kind of animosity toward you? That she was protecting herself from you or you from her? That she had her attention on someone or something else and couldn't be bothered with you?

I told her that my being angry with her, was really just a reflection of how hurt I was.

Was that that your assessment after you woke up, too, or was it something that made sense only in the dream? You were hurt that what happened, exactly -- or failed to happen?

But now that I was back, I realised that I was wrong, and I wanted her back in my life.

It was your dream, so you'd know better than I; still, I'm used to dreams being about people's attributes a lot more than about actual people. I'd guess that you wanted something back in your life but that it was much more likely something that she'd once provided for you and/or that she now reminded you of, than about her "in person".

She then told me ... that she was sorry for not having any "skills" as a housemaster to realise this (not sure what the skills part was all about).

I get the impression that she had made you feel cared about while you were living there. I can't tell, though (and I'm not sure how clearly you can either, at this point) how much of that was her personally caring about you versus her professionally doing her job for you and her other charges.

We then got in a long conversation about how much I loved her and just our relationship in general.

Again, since this was a dream conversation I'm inclined to look below the surface first. Accordingly, what I'm imagining you actually saying (feel free to smite me if I'm wrong) is one of two things: that you would have loved your relationship to be some way that it never quite was -- or that you really did love her and the relationship you had with her, but had difficulty telling her so IRL.

I then said that ... therapy should be about boundaries because if you show someone that amount of love and support you're only going to hurt them. If you show them that much caring, its only setting them up for disappointment, because ultimately, that relationship will end...

I'm guessing here that you were disappointed about some aspect of your relationship with her but if so, I have no idea whether that would be more because it ended or because it never quite got off the ground for you.

A lot of the dream was me hugging her, or having my head in her lap.... I think it was because I fell asleep I was thinking of good huggers I know, and she is definitely at the top.

Or maybe you first thought about good huggers, then dreamed about her, because you were already feeling like you needed a hug (or whatever a hug represented for you at the moment).

But while I say that, and can intellectually rationalize why I would be feeling like this having a dream like that... there is still a huge part of me that wishes I could actually just hug her and have her back in my life.

Would you prefer to have all of her back in your life, or just certain attributes of hers like her hugging ability?

What I need you guys to do is tell me how stupid an idea that is, and convince me NOT to email her.

Nuh-uh! Ixnay! No way! If we call you stupid you'll stop telling us your dreams, won't you?

It might be misdirected, or counterproductive, or a lousy idea, but the 6-letter S-word shall never pass my lips in this thread. I do think, though, you need to have this conversation with whoever or whatever she represents for you, not with her in person.

Originally Posted by jacq10

((((muffy))))

See, I actually have already been over that with her... about 2 years ago actually. The thing is, our last encounter was just too much that I vowed I wouldn't be in contact with her unless she initiated it (which I SERIOUSLY doubt will ever happen). To contact her now would just be ... useless. I know exactly the response that I would get .... she would apologize and say that we can try and do better at keeping in touch, but it wouldn't happen. I don't see much use in getting my heart more smunched in.

I have a little better perspective now on this today, and I can see that I shouldn't be in touch with her ..... the pain however, still there

Thanks for the replies and support everyone... it means more than you know

(((((((jacq10))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Im glad you have a better perspective today. Im so sorry she has hurt you this way.....If you have alreadt tryed then you have done your best.
Please know that you matter very much and no one should hurt you ...

[jacq10]

((((((((((((((((((Muffy))))))))))))))))))
Thank you

[jacq10]

I was wondering what message you actually got from what you're calling her rudeness -- that she was expressing some kind of animosity toward you? That she was protecting herself from you or you from her? That she had her attention on someone or something else and couldn't be bothered with you?

Well first she didn't come say hello to me (after a year of not seeing me) until like 10 mins of my being there ... and yes she did see me... and then the next day at breakfast she wouldn't even look at me across the table (even when I was talking) and when she was talking she just completely avoided eye contact.

Was that that your assessment after you woke up, too, or was it something that made sense only in the dream? You were hurt that what happened, exactly -- or failed to happen?

No, I was actually surprise that I have enough awareness to say this in my dream. It still holds true to this day. Even know I have a hard time talking about her because I just get angry as a coping mechanism almost.... though it is better than the curl-up-in-a-ball-and-cry mechanism

It was your dream, so you'd know better than I; still, I'm used to dreams being about people's attributes a lot more than about actual people. I'd guess that you wanted something back in your life but that it was much more likely something that she'd once provided for you and/or that she now reminded you of, than about her "in person".

While she did have some attributes that were better than others, at the time, I loved her unconditionally as a mother-figure, and even now IF she was back in my life.... I would want the whole her back. Good thing I don't want her back being she is a lying manipulative self-focused 6 letter S word.

I get the impression that she had made you feel cared about while you were living there. I can't tell, though (and I'm not sure how clearly you can either, at this point) how much of that was her personally caring about you versus her professionally doing her job for you and her other charges.

And this is where things get sticky.... she had really poor adult/child boundaries and was very expressing of affection to everyone - that part I believe was her job. But out individual relationship consisted of a lot more than casualties... we were very intimate in our self-disclosures (on both our part) and she told me that if she could she would adopt me

Again, since this was a dream conversation I'm inclined to look below the surface first. Accordingly, what I'm imagining you actually saying (feel free to smite me if I'm wrong) is one of two things: that you would have loved your relationship to be some way that it never quite was -- or that you really did love her and the relationship you had with her, but had difficulty telling her so IRL.

You are right on the first part... I would have loved our relationship to continue after I graduated. But as for the second part.... we were very open with each other and I told her multiple times how much I loved and cared for her... and she told me in the same. ....... stupid stupid stupid ST

I'm guessing here that you were disappointed about some aspect of your relationship with her but if so, I have no idea whether that would be more because it ended or because it never quite got off the ground for you.

I am just hurt because she didn't follow through on anything that she had promised me, and essentailly just set me up to have my heart even more broken then I was prepared to do. In the end, I'm pretty sure the straw that broke the camels back was when she saw my SI. Quite naturally (I guess) she freaked out, but instead of talking to me or asking if I was ok, she just shut down. Things went downhill from there i'd say... well, they were already pretty down before that too.

Would you prefer to have all of her back in your life, or just certain attributes of hers like her hugging ability?

I have to talk rationally now, and if I had her in my life then I'm sure I would just become overly-attached, and someone keep getting myself setup to be her. My life is easier without her in it, I just with there were someway to resolve all that has already happened between us so I can just move on. Being in contact with her won't help... in fact that would just add to the attachment..... Any body have any pills that will just erase memort??? ... I'm just sick of being hurt by her, and having nothing that I can really do about it

((((((((((((((((((((Fool Zero))))))))))))))))))))))
Thanks for your response

[FooZe]

Thanks, Jacq! I'm sure I'll have more to say eventually but right now...

Originally Posted by jacq10

In the end, I'm pretty sure the straw that broke the camels back was when she saw my SI. Quite naturally (I guess) she freaked out, but instead of talking to me or asking if I was ok, she just shut down.

That was sort of my reaction the first time I found out that a friend of mine was SI-ing. I wished I could rescue her but at the same time realized I didn't understand what was going on for her (my issues, both). I was also afraid that anything I said might somehow make her worse.

That might not be the exact issue (or the only issue) that ST is stuck on about you, but I was thinking that if seeing you reminded her of unfinished business, triggered her, or put her off balance, she might have wanted those ten minutes to regain her composure or adjust her unperturbed face.

Another possibility is that she had more of an emotional attachment to you than she was comfortable with (or considered appropriate), perhaps felt abandoned or betrayed when you left (in spite of "knowing better", of course) and when she saw you again had thoughts such as, "Oh, no, Jacq's here to torment me again!"

I'm enjoying sharing my imaginings and ramblings with you this way. You've been great at sharing/responding and I hope you're willing to continue for a bit.

[jacq10]

That was sort of my reaction the first time I found out that a friend of mine was SI-ing. I wished I could rescue her but at the same time realized I didn't understand what was going on for her (my issues, both). I was also afraid that anything I said might somehow make her worse.

(((((((((Fool Zero)))))))))

That might not be the exact issue (or the only issue) that ST is stuck on about you, but I was thinking that if seeing you reminded her of unfinished business, triggered her, or put her off balance, she might have wanted those ten minutes to regain her composure or adjust her unperturbed face.

Oh I'd have adjusted her face for her LOL

Another possibility is that she had more of an emotional attachment to you than she was comfortable with (or considered appropriate), perhaps felt abandoned or betrayed when you left (in spite of "knowing better", of course) and when she saw you again had thoughts such as, "Oh, no, Jacq's here to torment me again!"

Well she definitely emotionally invested in this relationship as well... the only problem was SHE was the adult, and she shouldn't have made all these promises she didn't intend on keeping. It was part of her job and responsibility not to breach boundaries with people, and if that happened (which in our case it did) then she should have realised it, instead of turning it around on my so I wind up feeling as though everything is my fault.

I sent her an email... frick like 3 years ago now.... if you're interesting in seeing what I said and how she responded, PM me your email address and I'll forward it to you. It pretty much explains everything there... lol

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jacq10

... the only problem was SHE was the adult, and she shouldn't have made all these promises she didn't intend on keeping. It was part of her job and responsibility not to breach boundaries with people, and if that happened (which in our case it did) then she should have realised it, instead of turning it around on my so I wind up feeling as though everything is my fault.

I seem to remember reading that you sometimes work with kids. I don't know if making promises (or not) or overextending yourself (or not) are issues for you there, but by any chance are you thinking that you'd be better off now if you'd had a better role model back then?

I was thinking that if push came to shove, you might be able to invent the role yourself, even better than she'd taught it to you.