Nowhere To Go, No-one To Turn To...

So good to hear from you TPND! I am sorry that others are putting their noses in your business. Richard deserves consequences. His actions were way out of line. He was only thinking about himself.

I am sorry that you feel uncomfortable with your anger. I think that it is progress that you are letting it out..........

My boiler is getting fixed soon, I can just boil my kettle for hot water and with Connor around, that's not frustrating me so much because he's helping out. It will be teh service provider that fixes it and I need to fill out forms to get it done, so that needs to be done now.

I changed my address on Thursday FINALLY and haven't had a phonecall about it since, so am just waiting on the letter which I should hopefully get tomorrow because it's a bank holiday today and Connor tells me post isn't delivered on a bank holiday..

It was a few of the residents here that called me a let down, just because I wouldn't go on a trip with them because I was seeing Connor instead and sorting MY own stuff out. They probably called me a let down:

a) because they enjoy my company and really wanted me to go
b) because they wanted to put me on a guilt trip for not going
c) because they wanted me to be in control of the group and deciding what fun activities they'd be doing because I'm on their level and know what they'd enjoy.

For someone who's hardly eaten, I think I'm thinking quite clearly and reasonably well...

I am on AD's, which are helping and am seeing my T in 2 days, which I just cannot wait for because I know she'll be really sympathetic and helpful, but I know she'll really not be happy with the weightloss... Here's something I wrote in a PM to another PC'er:

I'm not doing so well with the eating side of things lost 10lbs in less than a week.. :-/ Connor's been staying with me and has been understanding about it, he's not pressurized me to eat, apart from a few days ago when he tried to make me eat a packet of crisps. I've been having a yoghurt for breakfast, a sandwich and an apple for lunch (which hasn't happened today) and a meal for dinner. Last night I cooked Connor my own made recipe of chicken in a yoghurt sauce with roasted veg and potatoes and corn on the cob. I struggled, Connor commented on how little I served myself but I served myself how much I knew would be a push.

So... Tonight is pizza and chips and I plan not to eat the pizza if I can help it, but I know Connor won't be happy with that, so I might try just on slice. I don't know. He's been complaining that I picked the food so why aren't I eating it? I don't know! I thought I'd be okay with eating what I picked! But I'm not...

I'm trying at least...

That pretty much sums it up.. I don't want to lose the opportunity to carry on seeing T, but I don't want to put on any of this weight... I want to lose 4 times what I've already lost.. and I know I can do it, which just spurs me on even more...

I didn't bother going to see the dr, things have been okay. I saw her the day after I got the food poisoning, about my AD's and have yet to see her about my eczema which just keeps getting worse!!!! Soooo I have to go and sort that out now too, along with everyting else... She'll weigh me if she sees I've lost weight and she'll continue weiging me and I just can't let that happen

Thanks for being here, P7.

FooZe,

I'm hardly even talking to him now, not being hard on him, not being soft on him, just not seeing anyone from that place anymore. They all use me nd I can't be doing withit anymore. I ask one favour and they come back with "I do everything for you, do something for me for once" Pfft. Other way around, me thinks. For me, the group is looking at what's most comfortable for them, but it doesn't bother me this week because I have Connor to be around me, so I'm happy enough. I'm not lonely at least.

I don't hate you for saying about me not being able to handle this half as well 3 or 4 months ago --- I know it's so true! So.. I'm trying at least, right..? I seem to be getting somewhere!

Pfft. I got a letter from the police the other day, basically telling me nothing was to be done because I stopped him from touching me by elbowing him (which he told them and I know this because their exact words were "on liason with others, we found that...") which isn't true at all. He WAS only thinking about himself, including the day when he threw Patrick up against a wall. Now, if he'd been in the army like he said he has, he'd have been taught how to deal with that sort of anger and control it. Pff.
I'm not feeling hugely let down because I prepared myself for something like this to happen and it has and when asked by Connor how I felt about it, I shrugged and said "mehhhh. Not let down hugely because I guessed it'd happen. Just p--sed off with him for even trying it".

Then some guy decides he's gonna text me asking what I'm up to and if I wanted to "end the night nicely" some guy I've only met through a friend talking to him when I was in the house and who got my number from her when she used his phone to text me. Pff. Connor read the text and flipped, accusing my of being up to stuff with this guy. I cried about 4 times and shouted and he shouted and went to walk out, kicking my hoover as he went. I punched my bed (which helped :P) and eventually calmed down and spoke to him about it. A few hours later, all was resolved and he apologised for accusing me of messing around with some guy I didn't even know.So I'm happy now because it means that he can eventually believe what I've said and trust what I say eventually. I know I've done nothing wrong and I know that I've not been messing about with this guy, and I'm glad that he finally saw that and has been caring and calm since.

We've had a good few days since then and it has been cheering me up an awful lot and I'm finding it to be a great help to my anxiety and depression etc, which is good. It's just him trying to make me eat things I don't want to.. I feel such a let down to him and I know I'm upsettign him because he thought that by staying with me for a while, he could give me stability and control what I ate by serving up the food for me. Yesterday I served up my own dinner and he commented... "Kirst, that's a tiny amount to put on your plate. You've got hardly anything there!" I'll tell you what I had:

3 roast potatoes, 1 roasted carrot, 4 pices of broccoli and my own speciality recipe chicken in a yoghurt sauce. I had one serving spoonful of that. I gave Connor two pieces of the broccoli whe I felt i couldn't eat anymore and one of the potatoes. I think I did pretty well. Although I'm continually losing weight, I'm eating at least something, right?

I'm really, really struggling and I know I am, but now that I've lost 10lbs in under a week, I want to lose more, I feel I have to lose more. I'm now 67kg and want to be 50 at the most. So another 17kg to go, which is roughly 34lbs and I'll be the highest weight I want to be. I can do that in the space of a month if I keep up the way I am. God, it's scary when I hink like this and I don't want to think like that but the weight loss just sucks me in...

Hello, TPND. Don't know how I managed to miss your thread, but have just been reading through the entire thing. I don't have anything profound to add - I just want to say that I am SOOO IMPRESSED! You are so open and honest, and that is so important. I'm also really impressed at the responses you have received from your PC family - some very knowledgable and experienced people here with a lot of wisdom. You have been through so much in your few years, yet reading through everything you have taken positive step after positive step, even when pushed back a little. It looks to me like you are doing everything you need to be doing to take charge of your situation and life. You've got things headed in the right direction and are giving yourself every opportunity to succeed. I wish you all the best - you're a fighter and I believe that it is in our willingness to fight, no matter how weak we feel, that we "win."

yes you are strong and things will get better - we have faith in you

TPND you are doing good work!!!!!

((((((ThePainNeverDies)))))

Thank you for your reply, Lynn09. It's very inspiring. I've never thought I've been improving, but recently I'm seeing the improvements bit by bit, when I get through tough situations that I never could before.

Thank you everyone for being here. These past few days I have been really struggling and Connor and I have had a few blazing rows, but have sorted them out somehow, mostly him realising he's the one in the wrong and apologising after making me feel I have to apologize. We're getting better slowly. It's just his parents saying the things they do about me. I know they have a bad opinion of me and judge me and I hate that because they don't even know me how they think they do. They don't even know the half of it yet they make out I want all this s--t and that I want to lock Connor away, make him a hermit when actually, I'm the one trying to get him to go out!

Eating is just awful. Lost a stone in less than 2 weeks and although I'm happy with it, I know that Connor is not. Fun. he tried forcing me to eat pizza and chips the other night, saying I WILL put it on my plate and I WILL eat ALL of it, every single crumb. Then when I looked like I was about to cry, whilst just looking at it, feeling sick and looking at the grease glistening on the cheese that was on the pizza, he put his head in his hands, looked at me and said: "Look, Kirst.. I'm sorry. I didn't want to try and force you to eat when you don't want to. I'm just so worried that because you're losing so much weight so fast, you're going to take it too far and it terrifies me... I love you.. But... You don't have to eat the pizza or the chips if you don't want to, just stick to the salad on the plate if that's all you can do."

So we're moving forward. I'm trying my best to eat, but I couldn't even eat my favourite food --- lasagne the other night! And that makes me sad

I was supposed to see counsellor yesterday but she messed up the dates in her diary, so put it as next week by accident, so I wasted perfectly good money that could've gone on electric or something, on a wasted bus journey but hey ho. I'll see her next week instead I guess.

Bleh. I'm exhausted and can hardly think properly. I keep falling asleep all the time crying all the time, I weigh myself at least 6 times a day.. Connor caught e weighing myself and asked me why and then saw pictures on my phone of me sideways on and asked why.. I told him I want to keep track of my weight and size. He went to delete the pictures, but I begged him not to so he didn't.

I hate this, I really do.. But now I'm a stone down and only have another 2 and a half to go...

((((((TPND))))) You have been growing immensely! I love it! I am scared about your weight loss, though. I know there's nothing I can do about your ED, but know I care and wish I could make it go away.

Thank you, Tumnus. It's nice to know that people care.

I should be worried about my weightloss, but I am not. Afterall, I used to be 11 and a half stone! :EEK!: I am proud of having lost a stone, but I know I need to go down further. I can't stand being over 9st.

Thank you for having faith in me and keeping track of my progress and letting me know how I am doing. It helps me to grow even more with each step I take and make the steps bigger.

Connor has now gone back home and I am worried. Terribly worried. I have not used sh in 2 months and 12 days today... But I am worried that the demon will come back worse than it has been while he's been here, which I've been able to hide... Now I'm scared I won't be able to control it like when he was here anymore.. I don't want the demon to come back, I don't want to lose those 2 months and 12 days, it's such a long time for me.. I just dont't know how to cope alone in the place I was trapped in a fire

The council messed up my forms again, so I had to spend an hour today filling out a whole booklet, shaking because I was absolutely fuming. So hopefully it will be sorted properly by Monday and I'll have the letter. They said they'd sent me the form that I needed to fill in, in the post, but tehre was a postal strike today DUHHHH! So I was given the form by my key support worker and he's taken it in today.

I can't stand all this s--t!!! My boiler... After reading the maual (hahahahaaaaa!!!!) I have now figured out what is wrong with it so can tell the service engineer what is wrong with it and they'll be able to fix it more quickly, oh aren't I clever?!?! PFFFT.

Gahaahhhhhh! I feel so awful already!

And we're the ones labelled "sick"...

ThePainNeverDies, for dealing both with your regular difficulties and with multiple dysfunctional bureaucracies you deserve some sort of medal of valour. Yours is one of those barely noticed stories of courage that could serve to inspire a generation. Brava!

Yup/ I was talking to Connor today about it and said how I didn't get why they went on postal strikes. I find it stupid.

Confused by your last statement though! My brain has been left behind somewhere... Could you please explain what you mean? I don't think my story is courageous...?

HI Hun,

Im so sorry you are feeling so down, I wish I had the words to lift you back up. You really should think about seeing someone like a Therapist to talk to about your depression. My thoughts and prayers are with you and gentle hugs sent your way.

Sincerely,

Roxy

I do too, but if you don't then I don't know if I could explain it to your satisfaction.

Try explaining anyway, FooZe. It may enlighten me I'm sure it willbe to my satisfaction.

Roxy, thank you for your reply and your hugs

I just wrote as my status on facebook after seeing pictures of my Twin:

"Just because some people are beautiful, doesn't mean they're nice people or that they have talents. People with talents, I feel, are people who should be more valued in the world, not people who just have the looks and nothing more."

I think that says a lot.

I just said to a friend that my Twin's beauty makes me cry. She is, in fact absolutely gorgeous, everyone loves her, but she is getting such a bad name for herself by messing with the wrong guys and screwing people over. She has a lot of people against her. Her personality is not nice at all and she cares for no-one but herself. She has no talents but charm and she has a dead end job that requires no talent/skill and it makes me sad that she is in the category of "beautiful with no talents". I hate saying she has no talents, but she just doesn't apply herself and doesn't believe in that sort of stuff.

I sit here crying, wishing I had more friends, wishing I was as beautiful as her, wishing that I could just be valued for my talents... I've just started a new song and have the rough guitar riff and vocal melody recorded on my phone. I have 2 backing singers lined up, who I hand picked myself as my friends and fellow vocalists with absolutely stunning voies but low confidence. They will be recording with me in the studio. I want to get out there and do open mic nights and gigs and other stuff like that, but my confidence is so crap and my set wouldn't even last half an hour!

My new song, I think, is the most awesome song I have written yet and I absolutely adore it! Yet I feel like my talents are not enough. I don't feel beautful. My favourite picture of me as a 17 year old is:

http://www.facebook.com/photos.php?i...6&id=524521915

That was just before the last gig I did with college and yes, I love that photo. I really made an effort for that gig. But I don't feel beautiful like her. Although.. She's dyed her hair to be what others want her to be and she's not a nice person deep down.. She still has lots of friends and people want to be around her and she's not depressed, anxious, nor is she abused, or trying to recover from an ED. See?

I find this so hard

You're story is courageous (((((ThePainNeverDies))))) - you just keep pushing ahead no matter what obstacles appear in your path - you don't quit trying or fighting. I agree with Rohag - you do deserve a Medal of Valor.

Thanks, Lynn.

If I knew where to get one, I think I'd quite like to have one on show in my flat! Maybe I could get someone to make a fake one for now... Hmm

I guess you could say my story is courageous because of the reasons you gave above.. But still.. I don't think it's courageous because of the way I've handled things, you know... Using SI to cope and ED and stuff... Giving up a few times before.. Idk.

I was very ill last night, for reasons I don't know of I got up to my flat, flopped out on my bed hoping to sleep, with my music playing softly in the background to lull me into a peaceful slumber, when I felt a tightening in my stomach. I rushed to the bathroom and spilled my guts up, so all I ate yesterday came up with it. What a waste of time.

Now, reading what I read on another forum to me just now has really hit a nerve and the ED voice is telling me that it'#s bulls--t and that I will be happy when I'm the weight I want to be. I don't hate the person who said what she did to me, but a part of me wants to punch the crap out of everyone telling me all these things. I know it already, I really do, but it's MY choice to make and some people just don't want tolet me make that choice, I'm not talking about people here. I just feel so torn

I want to do what I know is right for me, for everyone in my life, even those who have died... Like my Foster Dad. I always promised I'd forever be his little Princess and make him proud, but I'm just letting him down.. So, so much It hurts, but no matter what I do, say, think... I just can't hold onto recovery.. I keep letting go and I don't get why

Why I think ThePainNeverDies is Courageous

• She is battling multiple severe problems simultaneously.
• Among those severe problems is insomnia, which makes everything worse.
• A couple of those problems are dysfunctional coping methods that would otherwise help with the other problems - that is, she's trying to cope with severe problems without the aid of these other mechanisms.
• She maintains artistic and other interests despite the pain.
• She keeps on functioning at some level despite both remote and recent traumas.
• She keeps on functioning despite problems with family and friends.
• She does all the above while at the same time confronting the external dysfunctions of local bureaucracies.
• She continues to press on despite stumbles, constant pain and external obstacles.

As a depressive, you have trouble thinking of yourself positively. All I can do is express my admiration and declare your story inspiring.

Wow. Rohag! Thanks for clearing that one up! I am in fact, in the middle of a conversation with a friend and together we are studying pictures of my Twin and I. So far we have figured:

My Twin has tight eyelids and a set, tight jaw, showing anger and an attempt to control emotions. Her eyes hold feelings of hurt, anger, upset, loss. She has no creases around her eyes or mouth when she is smiling and hardly ever smiles in her pictures, just holds a pout and has lots of makeup on, showing insecurity.

I have less tight eyelids and a crease in my eyes when I am smiling, along with a slight crease on the right side of my lips, showing a true, happy smile. My eyes are bright, with a hint of sadness hiding behind them and my jaw, although well defined, is loose and comfrtable looking. In some pictures i am wearing makeup and have my hair done up nicely, showing I've made an effort but am not insecure about the way I look, I wear minimal amounts of makeup and only for special events. I am smiling in most of my pictures, or showing passion either when singing, or just looking away from the camera. One picture shows seriousness because I am not smiling, but I still have a sparkle in my eyes and am not clasping my hands, unlike most of Bryony's pictures in which she is clasping her hands.

There's more written about me than my sister lol, but just looking closely at her pictures and not just 'looking' if you get what I mean, you can see she's not as happy as she makes out she is. I express true emotions. If I am angry, I express that, if Iam feeling serious, that shows and if I am happy, that also shows, or in a silly, angry, unhappy mood. Whatever. My eyes, mouth, jaw and other parts of my body give it away.

Bryony tries to hide it by pouting and wearing lots of makeup and posing for pictures because she is insecure that if she doesn't pose or pout etc, she won't look good. Whereas I don't care! Of course I want to look good, but that's only to make ME feel good, no-one else...

And OHMYGODIHAVEJUSTBEENASKEDTOPLAYASETATAFESTIVAL!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I'm so excited!! EEEEEE! It's only in... 14 days!!!!! Uh-oh! I need to organise how I'm getting there and everything!

Eeeek! I'm scared and excited and nervous and everything! I have 3 possible people to get me there, but no-one can cme to support me!!!

That was fascinating, TPND! I don't remember ever hearing anyone else give a reading quite like that, of how they look to themselves. It sounds as if it helped a lot to have that friend working on it with you, and even to have a twin sister for comparison. Are you and Bryony "fraternal" rather than "identical"?

I think I've only seen two "pictures" of you so far, those song videos you posted the links to a few months ago. The Facebook link you posted yesterday only takes me to a "Page not found"; I probably need to be a member and signed in. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I don't have a picture of you to look at and check out what you're saying, but the way you describe yourself does fit well with the way you sound here.

I agree with Rohag's list and couldn't improve on it. By the way, I say it was also courageous of you to post what you just did.

I'd love to if I could, but eight time zones is a lot farther than I'm prepared to travel. How about if you hurry up and get famous so you can come to California on a concert tour?

(((((TPND))))) I am in complete agreement with Rohag and FoolZero! Please just know that even though we can't be there to support you at the festival, we'll all be right there with you in spirit. Lots of hugs to hold you up.

A twist, of sorts, to ThePainNeverDies being courageous:

One thing I've noticed during the few months that I've known you, TPND, is that you seem to deal with adversity a lot more comfortably (if that's the word) than with easier and apparently more pleasant times. We've all noticed that you're a fighter; it's as if what you know best is fighting back against nasty things that happen to you, and when you don't have anything handy to fight back against, you have to stop and think what to do with yourself. I was wondering if you'd observed that too, and if anything about it might be leading you to question your courage.

I can remember lots of times in my life when I've arranged to have plenty of obligations to take care of so that among them, I never had time to think about whether there was something else that I'd rather have been doing. One thing in particular that I'd often arrange was to have promised to be somewhere on time, but to be just slightly behind in getting there so that I'd have to devote all my attention to cutting breakfast a little short, finding the fastest route to where I needed to go, fighting my way through traffic, reviewing in my head what I should do differently next time and what I should say in the event that I was late. It kept me pretty busy -- and distracted from whatever I might not like to think about. I was wondering if you ever found crises helpful for keeping you distracted in anything like the same way I did.

(((ThePainNeverDies)))

Hi TPND, congrats on the festival!!!!!

Sounds like you are trying to find your identity??? Did Shana compare you with your twin a lot? Sounds like you are trying to build your identity by decreasing your twin's????? Your identity is seperate from hers...........

I never thought I'd be able to do that, either.. It is quite fascinating and yes, I'm glad that my friend was there, although he was on,ly studying the picture of my Twin. I was studying the picture of me and commenting on it to him so it was all my own visions of myself through looking at my facial features and body language in pictures a bit more.

Bryony and I are fraternal twins, thank God. As she always says: "I'd rather die than look as ugly as you." Heh. Today's been a good day, I've been thinking a lot. A hell of a lot. And I've come up with a few new revelations. But I won't mention them here just yet, because they're not solid and I feel unsure about them. Idk

Yes, I am hurrying up with getting famous, especially to come to California on a tour so that you can see and hear me sing live

Thanks, Lynn. I'll think of you all while I'm shaking my butt off on stage!

Sannah, I've been trying to find my identity for years. I was compared with my Twin by everyone that knew us and even people that hardly did! I'm not decreasing Bryony's identity, I guess I'm trying to figure out her true identity and what she hides so that I can figure out my own. I know my identity is seperate from hers, I just want to figure her out so that I can get that out of the way and understand her better, to be able to concentrate on me.

In a way, FooZe, I do find crises helpful for keeping me distracted. But not actually my own! I use other peoples' crises to keep me busy so that I don't have to stop and think, or stop and sort out my own issues. I just stick to theirs and slowly figure myself out along the way without realising it I guess.

I know I've made myself extremely ill by doing this and by doing other things. I didn't sleep last night, at all and have been vomiting my guts up more than ever. I keel over in pain from my stomach all the time and I just feel exhausted whether I'm sat down or walking or running. No matter what I do, I feel exhausted, dehydrated and crap. Connor came over today and I was happy enough until he started to get grouchy despite having plenty of sleep last night! So I snapped a couple of times, which I soon apologized for. I hate getting mad at him, but he certainly pushed all the right buttons to p-ss me off.

I know I need something to fight back against, I guess it's because I've been having something to fight against pretty much all my life, but I think I'm starting to break away from it. Maybe I feel the need ot have something to fight against to prove to myself how strong I am? Makes sense to me, but I don't know.

Now why do you have to figure out her's first??????