Getting a Life...

I hope that you would feel better...

OjOj! Thanks for reminding me! I forgot to take mine this morning! Hope it straigthens itself out medwise for you soon ((((((Zen))))))

There is no polite way to say how I feel today so I will just say it, I feel like crap!

And it's my own fault.

I thought that if I took my night medications at 4 pm minus the sleeping pill instead of taking my night medications at 8 pm that I would be able to wake up early at 6am and feel good. Since I have been taking my night medications at 8 pm faithfully I in turn feel hung over early in the morning. Some mornings I can barely walk in a straight line my legs feel so weak like jello.

So, the only thing I have changed is the time of day that I take my night medications. I feel sleepy, mild flu or withdrawl like symptoms, and I have racing negative angry thoughts.

I have a family doctor's appointment on the 26th for my driver medical exam. As you know this has me very nervous and scared. Having my driver's license gives me a sense of accomplishment and independance. I never drive when I feel ill (tired, sleepy, "hung over" due to medications, or even if I have a cold). And I rarely drive at night. Long story short is that I will mention the medication change to my family doctor and explain the difficulties that I am experiencing when I take the medication at the regular time vs. the new time. Or maybe I shouldn't he might think I am irresponsible and not let me have a driver's license?

My former psychiatrist did say that with one of my medications that it didn't matter what time of day I took it. And my family doctor suggested that I take one capsule in the afternoon and the other capsule at night.

I think that, far from being irresponsible, you are demonstrating responsible, rational initiative in experimenting with the timing of your medications in order to increase your next-day functionality and driving safety.

Keep experimenting and work with your doctor to find the best timing.

I agree. I don't think he will see this as irresponsible.

(((((((ZEN)))))))

How are you feeling now?

I still have mild "withdrawl like symptoms" but other than that I feel stable. I don't have high energy or feel as though all my worries have magically disappeared. And I don't feel severely depressed either.

I think these are some of the reasons why I acted out so implusively and carelessly:

> Stress trying to find a job
> Worry about the checks that I need to get done by the police...etc
> My period was suppose to start on the 14th and instead it started on the 23rd. So I think I had prolonged PMS with mood changes throughout the day going from mildly sad to very angry ... over small matters.

I was so scared because my manic episodes are EXTREMELY embarrassing and potentially deadly (if I am manic and driving I drive like a race car driver and ignore traffic lights & road signs). I thankfully haven't had a manic episode or major depression in 3 years. I am aslo upset with myself because I put my dog at risk of being put in a kennel if I were to be admitted to hospital. My dog means the world to me and without her in it I would feel lost and hopeless. I don't have children and my brother will rarely communicate via e-mail with me...so I understand it sounds odd or weird but my dog is like my "child".

Thank-you for your support and kindness!

I can relate. I don't have any children either. Nor nieces & nephews. I have my cats and they are my children and a top priority.

Here I go again...

I have spent the better part of today fixating on my lack of a relationship with my brother.

I thought it was a positive sign when he told me that he had been sending me e-mails for several months. Which I never received. We exchanged polite e-mails. He said that he would like to meet up with me. But keeps putting if off because of his work schedule. And now he has stopped e-mailing me all together. And I have sent no nasty e-mails to him since we reconnected via e-mail this month.

He said that he thought that he would never see me again since I didn't return his e-mails that he has sent me for several months. And now that we have made contact this is a "new reality" for him to adjust to. How politically correct of him to say.

Once again "our relationship" is on his terms only.

I am fed up with being treated poorly. I will not send him anymore e-mails or attempt to make contact with him in any shape or form. And I will avoid social gatherings that he may or may not be attending.

He gives his friends, co-workers, and latest gfs more respect and dignity than I could ever dream of receiving from him.

I think he thrives on me ignoring him and thinks that I do better when we have no contact. Having no family is suppose to make me well? I think this is total crap!

Sorry just had to get this out of my head!