Getting a Life...

I agree totally!!

Their loss, (((Zen)))! Just means that you are still available for the lucky top-notch employer who wants a top-notch employee like you working with them.

I have been reading a book about DBT and Bipolar Disorder. Right now I am learning about mindfulness techniques and different types of thinking (emotional, reasoning, and wise).

I decided that 98% of my thinking is emotionally based and not based in wise thinking.

This afternoon I registered for a CPR and First Aid (children) course that starts in November from 8-5pm for 2 days. I am not looking forward to the early mornings...not at all!

Then I have to gather my courage and strength to get my criminal record check and child welfare check. I am still very much paranoid about getting these checks done even though I know that I have never been arrested or convicted of any crimes nor have a ever abused a child nor would I. Can someone tell me why I think this way and will not pay attention to logical reasoning and hold onto that as factual legitimate information?

IMHO, (((Zen))) - the criminal record and child welfare checks both represent "authority figures" in a sense. One of your abusers was your father - your primary authority figure during your childhood. You were not guilty of anything - you did not commit any crime, yet you were "punished" anyway by your "authority figure" who made you feel that you deserved to be punished/abused just because of who you are - you were his property to use and abuse as he willed. You were helpless and defenseless in this situation. The very person who was supposed to protect you from all harm was, in fact, the source of your worst harm. Now come these "official" investigations - even though you know that you have never committed any crime and have never abused a child - even though you know in your logical mind that you are "innocent" and do not deserve to be punished, your emotional mind knows that innocence is no protection from punishment/abuse. What if these official, authoritative entities who have so much control over your life just like your father did decide that you deserve to be punished even though you are innocent just like your father did? It happened before!

(((Zen))) - Your psyche was completely traumatized by your father who had total control over your life and inflicted such pain and damage on you. Even requesting these official reports sets off all of your alarms - all of your warning systems - all of your defenses. You feel completely vulnerable, defenseless, and at their mercy - they have the "authority" to do with you as they will (or so your emotional mind tells you). Everytime you even think about having to pick up those reports, your emotional mind feels like it is being exposed to a very high risk of being abused by these authoritative entities. Your emotional mind is projecting your father's face and personality onto these entities.

Perhaps it would be better for you to take someone with you to pick up those reports. You have to fill out and sign the paperwork I'm sure, but the other person could actually receive those reports into their hands. Then, once you are "safely" away from the office, like in your car, this other person could then hand the reports to you; they could be a buffer between you and the reports - you would actually be receiving the reports from someone your emotional mind does trust. I'm thinking that this might be a good way to bypass your emotional mind, defuse the "fight or flight" self-preservation instinct, and depersonalize the entire situation. What do you think?

Lynn, everything you mentioned makes perfect sense to me. The forms that I fill out will be mailed back to me therefore I will not have to go back to the police station.

Here I go again...

Then I have to wait which will feel like an eternity for the reports/checks to come back in the mail. I will assume once I have received them in the mail that the police and the child welfare have had more than enough time to send the authorities after me and not just mail me out my "records".

Spending a day in my brain for some you would feel like a nightmare!

Good. Will they mail the blank forms to you to fill out or do you have to go in to pick up the blanks?

No offense, Zen - but at this point, I knew exactly what you were going to say, started laughing, and almost fell off my chair!

Most definitely they will have had time to come and take you away in cuffs. I only can hope that they won't decide just to do you a nice favor and hand-deliver the "good" reports to you personally - by the second knock, you'll either be 2 blocks away or passed out cold on the floor.

Well, this is Halloween month, you know - so forget Disneyland - we'll all just go on the Haunted House Ride in Zen's brain! RELAX, Zen - you're going to get through this fine.

I have to first fill out the criminal record check at the police station then they mail me back the report. As for the child welfare check they will be sending me the forms to fill out and then I mail them back and then they mail me back.

Only a couple of weeks till you can all come to Zen's haunted brain house! Don't all line up at once!

Hope you didn't mind me injecting a little humor there, Zen. When I was growing up, I was never allowed to speak - my parents, and later on my siblings, told me every single day how ugly, worthless, stupid, and retarded I was and that I couldn't possibly have anything intelligent or worthwhile to say. I couldn't write anything down either - no privacy - no respect for boundaries - anything in writing would be used against me. As a result, I pretty much lived in my head - everything was stored on audio and video tapes in my mind - I developed an incredible memory because of this - it was the only "safe" place for me - they couldn't touch my mind - they couldn't hurt me by taking anything away from me because everything of value to me was stored in my mind. Over time, however, this can become quite a burden because there is so much up there. Several decades ago, I learned that I had to really work to shut my mind off just so I could sleep. I got to where I would yell at it and tell it to "SHUT UP! I DON'T CARE - I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!" Then I developed a sense of humor about it - learned to just chuckle at the way it would go off on it's little tangents - I learned to be kind to it, love it, appreciate it, and cherish it like a little child - learned to care for that little child mind the way my parents and siblings never cared for me. Over the years, it gradually got quieter, calmer, and more focused and manageable.

I tell you this, Zen, because I want you to learn to be kinder to your mind and brain when it does it's little things - don't get so upset about it - don't berate yourself about it - it is what it is and it's a part of you - our little brains are just differently abled. I think you're a great person - caring, considerate, and kind to others - learn to be that way towards yourself, too. Laughing with you, but never at you, luv.

My brain never shuts down it is always running! I always have thoughts going through my mind both the good and very ugly. Sometimes it is like having a haunted house for a brain, I never know what is coming around the corner.

I know how to read don't get me wrong but I struggle to concentrate and focus on what I am reading. And then remember what I have just read. This past summer I read 4 novels and some of them were 500 pages. I know it doesn't sound like alot but for me it is. I hear of some people that can sit down and read 200 pages in one sitting! This boggles my wee brain. I can only read about 20 pages and then I have to take a break for a while to absorb what I have just read. I have learned recently that this difficulty in focusing while reading is typical of ppl that have bipolar 1 disorder.

Lynn, if you have any magic tricks on how to slow/calm a brain that is constantly on the go and thinking about past traumas and imagined future traumas I would greatly appreciate them!

P.s. I enjoy your sense of humour!

I know exactly what you're talking about, Zen - mine used to just drive me nuts - like all of the audio and video tapes were playing simultaneously on an infinite loop!! This and the reading and comprehension problems are also common with ADHD/ADD, dyslexia, and other learning difficulties - some people's minds/brains are able to just kind of adapt - others, not so much.

You've already got the key to the matter - reading 20 pages at a time - had to do the very same thing myself. One technique I used to stop reliving the old traumas (I really didn't imagine future traumas that much - I think I'm basically a little meaner than you) was to break the "thread" - get my mind really absorbed in something to distract it. I tried reading novels, etc., but I would read a couple of chapters, try to sleep, and end up with a continuous loop running about what was going to happen in the rest of the book!! GAH! Oh, by the way, "they" now know that reading, learning a task, etc., gets set into the memory better if you sleep after reading or learning the task - the brain needs that time to fully process the input and store it, and makes retrieval after sleep much better.

So, I started buying collections of short stories - especially science fiction, ghost stories, and other strange and weird stories because they took me out of my present reality completely. There was really no way to even anticipate what might happen next since anything in such genres is possible. Short stories are usually about 20 pages or less. That way, I could easily complete the read, be transported to another reality - to a place where the rules of this reality are tweeked a bit or almost non-existent. I had all of the information beginning to end. This would stimulate the more positively imaginative part of my brain and created a different loop that could run without triggering negative emotional reactions in me - the "fight or flight" responses that pump adrenaline into your system and just make it even more difficult to sleep. It really didn't take long for this technique to have a very positive effect - and I continued to do this for many, many years - and still do it today when I'm really stressed and I need to break my concentration on the negative and focus it more positively. I can't guarantee that this will work for you, but it really did work for me - I actually looked forward to which new complete story I would read each night, and my mind just really did not want to run those past-trauma tapes.

The key is this - it is much easier to replace one habit with another than to just eliminate an unwanted habit. Slight of hand - smoke and mirrors - trick the mind - retrain - reprogram the mind.

Of course, I can't forget those past traumas - my brain just is not wired that way. I would have to forget my entire childhood! However, over time I was able to program a "conditioned response." Every single time one of those memory tapes just started running without me deliberately summoning the memory, I would say out loud, "NO." And I just kept saying, "NO" for years. I still do this today - not only for past childhood traumas, but for current "traumas," as well. My pets just kind of stare at me when I'm walking around the house saying, "NO!" (They probably think that they're in trouble - HA!).

Try these techniques, then modify them or develop completely new ones on your own that fit how your mind works. Hope this give you some good ideas for a starting point.

Do I come across as needy when I post here?

(((((((((((zen)))))))))))

You sound like someone who is trying her hardest to get her standard of living better.
You, like most of us here at PC, have a debilitating, chronic mental illness, and I admire your determination to reach for your goals despite this.

So no, you don't come across as needy. You come across like you need support, help and advice--just like the rest of us at PC.

I need to have closure with a friendship that I ended this summer. I want to write a kind and polite e-mail to my former friend. But all I can come up with is my anger and frustration I have towards her. She has OCD, bad temper, need to be in control of her environment and other people, perfectionist...etc. All these traits annoy me and affect my moods. It became a chore to be her friend rather than something I looked forward to. I could never truly be myself around her I felt as though I had to walk on egg shells and sugar coat whatever I had to say to her.

I have known her or been friends with her for around 10 years. And I don't want to upset her or her family. Her family has already distanced themselves from me due to me not being friends with her anymore. Her dad is my faniancial advisor and said that our relationship will not change because I am not friends with his daughter anymore.

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I have received some negative or hurtful feedback in PC that I come across as needy. When I write my posts I am sincerely asking for advice and guidance. I have no close friends to confide in nor do I have a mental health support team. The comments or replies you have all posted on this thread have helped me greatly. I feel more relaxed and emotionally balanced. Even though I know I tend to repeat the same issue over and over again.

So, if my posts annoy you or come across as needy please do not read this thread anymore.

I could not have expressed it better than (((Berries))) just did, (((Zen))). The more we all share our pain, struggles, victories, experiences, and knowledge, the more EVERYONE benefits. Even the most painful and discouraged postings give others the opportunity to step out of themselves, to empathize with and provide support and caring to others. No matter how "needy" you may think you sound, you must realize that you are putting into words the same thoughts and feelings that so many others are experiencing but may not have the ability or energy to express for themselves - they may not actively participate in the exchanges, but they still can reap the benefits of those exchanges. Zen, you show so much courage in that you are so honest and forthcoming about what you are experiencing - so much courage to be willing to admit your vulnerability and reach out to others for support and guidance - if that is being "needy," then may we all learn to be just as "needy" in reaching out to our PC family.

Thank-you Lynn and Berries so much for your kindness and hugs!

I got off my arse and sent my former friend a polite e-mail. I used "I" statements and didn't bad mouth her at all. Just politely stated some simple facts as to why we aren't well suited to be close friends.

Zen, try writing your note to your friend from the "I" perspective, rather than the "you" ("It's not you, it's me.") Just because you care about someone, that doesn't necessarily mean that you can "live" with them. Let her know that your current problems are making it difficult for you to maintain the friendship with her. Of course, Zen, as time passes and you are able to function better, you may be able to rekindle the friendship with her if you so desire. You may at some point want to explain this to your friend's father since you are going to maintain a relationship with him Perhaps if he understands the difficulties you are having personally, he could help his daughter understand, as well. You're just closing the door for now, but you don't have to lock it.

I'm so sorry that others have been so insensitive as to criticize and hurt you this way. I have been following your threads for some time now, and it is true that you repeat some of the same issues - but these issues are repeating in your life because (1) that is a component of your particular mental illness, and (2) these issues have yet to be resolved, and (3) you haven't yet developed the skills and techniques to help you reduce this activity. You will always have a tendency to do this to some extent because of your mental illness, but right now you are trying to understand this mechanism so that you CAN develop those techniques and skills. It's not like, "We've already told you what to do about this, so why are you asking us again?" It takes time for your brain to assimilate the information you receive - and that requires constant repetition of that input to get it firmly implanted into your brain so that you are able to retrieve it successfully (review your comments about your focus and concentration difficulties in reading). By all means, Zen, keep posting about those issues again, and again, and again so that we can respond again, and again, and again - this IS the requisite process for you to absorb, comprehend, retain, retrieve, and apply the information you receive. As you said, you are already "more relaxed and emotionally balanced" as a result of performing this repetitive issue/response technique, thus far. Just think how much more you are going to improve as we continue this process. Keep up the good work, Zen.

Perhaps those who have criticized you for this need to educate themselves better about your particular mental illness and this particular component of your mental illness BEFORE they provide feedback to you.

((((((Zen))))) I would kind of like to know who all these fabulous strong people are who think you're needy when you post. Is this not PS? Is this no where we can go and BE NEEDY for crying out loud? You know, what I seeis two things. Like lynn says, I see a person who has gone through***t and can still be coherent, but has a few issues that keep coming back. And they will, dear, because deep wounds take a long time to heal. You'll ahve to keep coming back to them until you've gotten it cleaned out, disinfected and properly bandaged, and we are here to help you do that, just like I hope you will help me when - not if- I melt down. Also, I see someone making progress with all the resources she's got, and it makes me really happy to read it. So please keep posting. I think your response was completely inline, except for the apologies. Ok. end sermon. Keep up the good, hard work and don't apologize for sounding off here. You haven't been insulting or profane, it's just depression saying it's your fault that "they" can't handle you. It's bunk. Now go out there and get'em

Sunday, I went over to a friend's home for dinner (kinda of a Thanksgiving Day dinner). I was told that there would be other people at the dinner. When I arrived I was the only guest. I didn't know what to do so I just tried to force myself to be happy and polite. And do what my former psychologist told me to do ask them questions if you have a hard time making conversations. She said that ppl love to talk about themselves. So that is what I did.

These friends of mine are 70 years old and 73 years old. And the wife had asked me what my fave things were to eat in an e-mail a couple of weeks ago. I told her Indian and Thai. So she made an Indian dinner. I was so amazed that she would go to all that effort just for me!

I had a good time! I just don't enjoy family holiday dinners since my mom isn't alive. And I miss her like crazy during the holidays.

I had a rough Saturday night I didn't feel well at all. I think it was just anxiety and stress. That night I was considering calling and saying I was too sick to come to dinner on Sunday. And when I was at their home I was like OMG if I had canceled dinner with them they would have went to all that effort for nothing. I felt so bad. But thankful that I got up the motivation to go to the dinner.

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On Oct.13th I have a typing test at university. I have to be able to type 30 words per minute with a maxium of 6 errors for 5 minutes. I can type fairly well without looking at the keyboard. I went to this one online website that times you and I did fairly well. Then I Googled for another typing test site and I did poorly. Now I am stressed out.

(((((((((((Zen)))))))))))

Cool that you kept your commitment and double cool that you have friends that would go to such a fuss over you!! YAY!!!

About the typing--may I ask what job it is for?

Just keep practicing. I think your confidence will grow if you keep working at it.

I'm so glad you had such a wonderful Thanksgiving (((Zen))). Your friends must think a lot of you to do such a wonderful thing - and I'm sure you gave them a lot of joy, as well, since no one else attended - that must be very lonely for them.

As for your typing test, I'm with Berries - just practice as much as you can until the test and remember - this is not the Olympics - you are not competing with anyone for a medal - you're just demonstrating that you know your way around a keyboard and your postings here at PC prove that to be the case. Please let us know how it goes and if you need help with the pre-test anxiety. Good luck!

Hi Zen, I also have many of the same problems as you but I'm not even getting out of the house for appointments, groceries etc. My refrigerator has a tub of butter in it and I'm hungry but I can't leave my house and I've lost a lot of weight in the past few weeks because of it. And when I am at home I can't even read a book or anything because I've lost all interest in such things, I just lay in my bed with the covers over my head or sometimes I pace in the hallway. So as much as I know it's little consolation to hear you're not really alone, there are many others like us suffering from the same/similar symptoms... we just have to keep hoping.

Great news! I passed my keyboarding test!!

I spoke with someone in the program and he asked me about my previous college records. He wanted to know why I had dropped out...etc I explained that when I was taking PSY my mom was terminally ill and I was her caregiver, and then I took some time off, and then personal circumstances came up (I didn't mention my bipolar disorder and hospitalizations), and then one program I wasn't doing well in so I decided to withdraw, and then the last one I got all A's and decided to withdraw for medical reasons (but again I just said personal reasons).

He said that the registrar's office hasn't processed my application yet and to give him a call in a week in the afternoon. It is going to be such a long stress/anxiety provoking week.

I do have mature student status and alot of N/A so they won't necessarily be looking at my high school marks..etc.

Can you tell I am worried and freaking out?!

If you pray please pray that I get accepted into the program. If you don't can you chant, dance, sing a song, or light a candle in hopes that I get accepted into the program? Thank-you!!

I am going to have to practise meditation and relaxation techniques for a week solid so I don't lose my mind over this acceptance process. If I don't get accepted I will absolutely lose it.

YAY, (((ZEN)))!! You got there, passed the test, AND spoke with a guy in the program! That's a lot to accomplish in one day - you should be so proud of yourself.

Of course, you're freaking out a bit about the acceptance process - that good old anticipatory anxiety is always looking for an opportunity to rear its head - but you're doing good - you're getting better and better at dealing with it. You have such an exciting road ahead of you. You are NOT going to lose your mind over the waiting or even if for some reason you don't get accepted - you won't let yourself and we won't let you, either. I will pray, chant, dance, sing, light candles, and think happy thoughts for you all week long - whatever it takes to help you get through to the other side of this.

I know that I am going to be awfully needy and emotional this entire week. I already feel physically and emotionally ill. I am fighting the urge to over medicate. I am using my DBT skills to stop myself from over medicating.

My whole future rides on getting into this program. If I don't get into this program I will have no future. I will fall into a deep depression that could be very negative to put it mildly.

I sent the man I spoke with today a polite and friendly e-mail reminding him of my committment and determination to excell in this program.

I also e-mailed my counselor at college to let her know what is going on as far as the application process.

I simply cannot relax or distract myself from worrying about how my whole life is going to unfold. I have to wait a week to learn my fate. Again, I have to fight very hard not to over medicate myself so that I am numb and don't feel anything.

(((((((((((((((((( Zen888 )))))))))))))))))))