Getting a Life...

I am feeling rather sad and dejected right now...well I have felt like this for the longest time.

Here is my long list of compliants about why I don't enjoy life:

> not married
> no bf
> no bf on the horizon
> no children when some of my classmates have families
> only one friend that I am just starting to get to know but there is an age gap of 10 years (me being the older one), her idea of a good time is going to church or having a ladies night where we play board games...etc
> oh did I mention I only have one friend? The rest of my "friends" are my brother's friend's parents that are in their 60's and 70's
> I have no job and I am currently looking for part-time work
> I lied just now to my young friend who invited me to a ladies night of board games...I went last Christmas to one of these types of get togethers and it was about as exciting as watching paint dry (I am not exaggerating!)
> both of my parents have passed on
> my brother wants nothing to do with me because of my bipolar disorder...hospitalizations...ER visits...him having to take care of my personal affairs while in hospital...being called out of important business meetings by police and hospital...etc
> I cannot seem to keep my home tidy it does bother me that my place is a mess but I lack the motivation and desire to keep it tidy
> I only go outside to go to doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, and to do errands...otherwise I am at home with my dog and reading a book or surfing the internet
> I feel lonely, sad, angry, dejected...etc all the time
> I feel empty and dead inside...
> I want to stop feeling paranoid about life and ppl
> I don't want to be on medications anymore because they have lowered my metabolism down to the point it doesn't work anymore
> I have to turn down invitations to holiday dinners in order to avoid my brother because I don't want to have to deal with the emotions I would feel being in the same room as him
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How do I get a life? How do I stop feeling so freaking lonely and desparate for affection? How do I stop being so paranoid about life and ppl? How do I stop worrying myself sick about my health...I tend to think I have a new disease or disorder every other week?

HELP!

Hey Zen , I'm the MALE version of your thread .
No help here ........ we both need it .
Hugs though ........

((((((((((((((((( Zen888 ))))))))))))))))))

((((((Zen888))))))

Zen,
just some random thoughts...

Volunteer work...contact your local community services for places looking for them
My favorite one is with the Adult Literacy Project.

Tidy house? Make a commitment to do one chore a day...anything to get you moving.
Re medications and metabolism. Walking is good exercise for physical and mental health...the benefits are rewarding.

Turning down invitations...means you were invited, right? Has your brother refused to come if you do? Probably not...perhaps making some kind of truce with him is in order? By letter if in person is not possible. You can explain your side of things, let him know you are better, and offer your thanks for taking care of your affairs...

Many of the other things may fall into place once you get out and about and become involved with anything outside the walls of your home.
Another though, but I don't know if you have it there. We have a telephone check system for the elderly and disabled...they are called on a daily basis, usually at a prearranged time--subject to change for appts, etc. These folks life alone and this gives them daily contact with a friendly voice...and it makes the caller feel good, also.

Just try one so you won't feel overwhelmed...as you feel more at ease, then add more activities.
You can do this; make changes that will bring you more peace.

In Peace

((((((((Zen))))))

Catherine's suggestions are good ones. You can work on what you are able to. Please let us know how it's going for you.

yea im also one of those male vers. ive been wanting a family/kid for sometime now but without wife or even a girlfriend and not be able to have them as is im looking to do a big brother thing. im hopen it works for both the kid and i or its goign to tear me apart for not having what i want in life...who knows guess ill find out.

(((Zen))) I am sorry that you are so lonely. My heart goes out to you.

Hi, Zen! I have been visiting this post repeatedly since you published it yesterday yet without replying. What you've said grabs my attention and makes me think. Unfortunately, all my thoughts are unsatisfying; I fear they fall far short of what will genuinely comfort and affirm you.

The best I can offer is an old observation I've returned to again and again: Some of the most valuable things in life are obtained only indirectly, or arrive unexpectedly while you're pursuing something else. Sometimes you hit the bullseye by aiming at a tree.

I know this may sound trivial Zen,,,but your ability to make that list is a gaint step in finding solutions...

Plus,,just as a side note,,,you have many friends here...

Oh,,,and Thank God for our Dogs huh?.....

Lenny

(((((((((((Zen)))))))))))

I think Catherine had some really good ideas.
I have nothing to add to them. I just wanted you to know I can relate to a lot on your list.
Best wishes and good luck on your job hunt.

(((((((((((((((( Zen888 ))))))))))))))))

I'M LONELY TOO I would say u just don't know but u just might. I got no help for you I can't even help myself. I know where you are at because I am right there with you. I would ask you to be my friend but I cant figure out how to do it. I garentee you i need a friend as much as you. I would never say that to you in person but here we can hide so if you can figure out try and make me your friend. I would really like to be

I debated Monday sending my brother an e-mail to say thank-you and I am sorry for things that have happened in the past. I had all sort of things I wanted to say. All of them sounded good. But my brother is narrow minded and works with the mentally ill and ppl that are addicted to drugs and alcohol. He is not a doctor he is just a therapist (not a psychologist). He thinks he knows everything about me ... about my mental illness... even tried to diagnose me with borderline personality disorder...I went right away to my doctor and asked him to be totally honest with me and not sugar coat things with me and he said that parts of my bipolar 1 disorder affect my personality and they way in interact with my environment and ppl.

My brother has said the following things in past e-mail in addition to diagnosing me with various disorders:

> he doesn't desire my company
> he feels at peace when he isn't around me or doesn't have to communicate with me
> he doesn't share the same level of affection or love that I have for him
> he wants distance from me

In addition, he cannot get over things I said to him when I was very ill like saying I tried to kill myself because of him. I have apologized and explained myself till I am blue in the face.

Lastest news on my brother is that he has a new gf what else is new he always has a gf. When he has a gf his whole world revolves around her (her needs/wants) and family comes a distant second or last on his list of imporant ppl in his life.

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So if I were to compose an e-mail to my brother who is 35 years old, what exactly would I say to him that would "get through to him" and not cause him to reply with hurtful and angry comments?

(((((Zen))))) I think others have made some very good suggestions here for you and I can't really add much. But my thought about your brother is that perhaps you might want to stop focusing so much on him and how he feels about you. You can't get water from a rock. Perhaps you should just accept him as he is - and how he feels about you, then concentrate on yourself and making yourself happy and feeling better.

(((((((((((ZEN)))))))))))

As far as your brother goes: I'm very sorry that you are in this position. It must be terribly painful.
I agree with Pomegranate, Zen. I think you need to work on accepting the situation with your brother as permanent and then work on moving on in your life without him. I think, right now, you are stuck and trapped and I know from personal experience that being stuck and trapped in a situation is a death sentence to your well being.
However sad and heartbreaking it is, I think you need to start mourning the loss of your brother.
I wish you strength in whatever you decide to do.

Hi Zen,


I think its best to remove people from your life who are therapists. because they will always look at your from that lens.

Many of us need to get away from our labels or other peoples labels

By not sharing about our past or our problems with new friends you meet you can prevent this from happening.


I would recomend you let go of your brother .

write that apology note and tuck it away . don;t send it.

Do not focus on him AT all. Don't find out anything about his life . That way you will not compare or feel bad.
you can make the changes you need to make with out him .

and he doesn't ever have to know about your changes.

If he feels at peace when your not around.

( and by golly thats a very cruel thing to say to you.)

then let him have total peace .. as in

do not contact him and hold the fort if he tries to even contact you.

never let him see you suffer ..

close the door on him forgive him .. but close the door .
you don't need people labeling you or psycoanalizing you .

I've met some who have and though there is a draw it only will end up in you getting severly hurt. many will try to fix you but have no intentions o haveing a real relationship with you.



Be very careful. about what you share to whom .




what is it you want from him Zen?

It doesn;t sound like he wants to help you..

I wish you the best with your list. Mines very much like yours .

I have men intresed in me ..I just can;t get my place cleaned up.
very frustrating ..

ADHD thing,,,

Last night, I did send my brother a short e-mail to him. I told him that I still loved him, cared about him, and wish him the best and that these things will never change. I also said that I know you (my brother) have gone on with your life as I have. And said I know you hate me and wish I was never born and hope that your wounds heal. And ended it with ... love always, (my real name).

I haven't received any response from him and don't think that I will.

Sometimes I catch myself wondering about him. Like does he ever miss me, does he care about how I am doing, does his heart ache is he sad...etc. We spent over 20 years living together...in my mind he must have some feelings of attachment towards me that aren't all negative. Maybe I should take my rose colored glasses off.

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I am still looking for part-time work. I had a good interview (in my mind) and was told that I would get called back for a second interview but he had some other applicants to see. I have been stressed out all day waiting and waiting...babysitting my phone. I have a job interview on Saturday at a grocery store as a cashier. Less pay and less hours.

My background is in psychology and sociology....and child care. Since I seem to be having no luck at getting a job as a cashier, dishwasher, busser...etc I have been considering going back to child care jobs. I didn't like my previous jobs working with children because I felt like a glorified babysitter and janitor being under paid and over worked. And I have poor self esteem and confidence and found it difficult to put up with some of the catty/childish co-workers. Can someone brainstorm child care professions ... so far I have been a kinder daycare teacher and an out of school care worker. Plus I have experience as being a classroom assistant at an elementary school.

___________________________

I just don't understand my brother's behaviour towards me. He seems to have everything going for him. He has a stable job, gf last I heard, works out regularly, lots of friends, travels the world, .... list goes on. Why can't he just give me a break and make peace with the past? I have been stable for 2 and half years now. I am no longer S at all. I am being proactive about finding a simple part-time job. I have filled out my application for college that is due to be submitted in October. I have being doing my best to get mental health services...it's an up hill battle. I just get very lonely and sad at night thinking about how successful other ppls lives are...family, children, career,...etc. All I have is a new friend, I own my home outright, I own my car, I can afford to take as long as I need to find work, I have an overly affectionate dog, I have an elderly couple that help me with my home repairs..

_____________________________

How do you find that spark that makes you feel alive and want to take on the world? Instead of being content and lazy.

__________________________________________

I miss my brother so much but he has changed into a person that I don't understand why he is being so mean to me or indifferent. It hurts so much to think that I have absolutely no family. I am not close with my cousins or aunt. And my grandparents have passed on as well as my parents. Holidays, birthdays,...etc feel so lonely and pointless. At Christmas time I wish it was still summer or someway I could pretend it wasn't Christmas time.

Hi, Zen!
Suggestion: Can you find the strength and creativity to start your own, independent holiday/birthday traditions? Even without a social life, personal traditions help me remain relatively sane.

I was thinking about stocking up on my fave food a couple of days before holidays and making myself a special dinner and dessert.

(((((((((((Zen))))))))))))

I just want to applaud you. Even though you have the long list and virtually no family support, you have really managed to to stay stable and take care of yourself. And now you are even looking for a job and applying to college.
I hope someday all your dreams come true. You deserve it!!!


Excellent idea!
What about getting a tree and decorating your house?

Christmas isn't my fave time of year. Jan. 3, 1999 my mom passed away. So it is a very sad time for me. I don't enjoy Christmas decorations for this reason.

First, lots of hugs for you ((((((((((Zen888)))))))))). I have an older brother who is very similar to yours - has said things like, "We're doing you a favor by even associating with you at all." He also thinks he knows everything and is more qualified than any of my medical/mental doctors to evaluate, diagnose, and prescribe treatment for me - he constantly brags, "I diagnosed myself with depression." He takes psych meds for his depression, and claims that his depression is of a better quality than mine since his is due to a brain-chemistry imbalance, whereas my depression is a character flaw.

Zen888, my brother and yours have their own mental problems as evidenced by their complete lack of empathy, compassion, patience, and acceptance. You must not allow your brother to make his problems yours. He treats you according to who HE is - not who you are - he just uses your problems as a means of excusing his misbehavior - a means of justifying mistreating you. Like you, I have tried for years to get through to my brother - but now I realize that that simply is not possible - he is never going to change his attitudes or behavior towards me because it does not benefit him to do so - he would lose his excuse for being abusive towards me.

And, yes, Zen - your brother is psychologically and verbally ABUSING you. This is the very last thing you need - clearly your brother's abuse has only served to do damage to you and to make your problems that much worse. Stop worrying about how he feels about you - just because he is incapable of loving you, that does not mean that you are unloveable - which is exactly what he wants you and others to believe to justify his inability to truly love anyone. You need to focus entirely on yourself - put all of your energy into getting the appropriate treatment you need. Stressing over your brother's behavior is going to impact your body chemistry which will also impact the effectiveness of your medications. Getting involved in a job or activity, especially where you are helping others, will provide you with more positive surroundings and input from other people. Take your time, though. Concentrate first on getting yourself stabilized - talk to your T and/or pdoc about the situation - perhaps your meds can be adjusted until the stress from this situation begins to abate.

As for the holidays, I had to do the very same thing that has been suggested by others here - I had to create my own good memories by celebrating holidays the way I wanted to experience them - why should I (our you, or anyone else) allow other people to take such things away from me for their own twisted and perverse satisfaction? I don't care if no one invites me to join them - I invite others to join me and they are welcome to join me as long as they leave their drama at home. If no one else comes, that's just fine - I still celebrate with myself and my pets. Please keep posting and letting us know what is going on and how you are feeling.

I have no mental health services. I have been trying to get my family doctor to put me on a waiting list but I have been waiting since March 2009. I am trying out the local mental health clinic in my city but since I am stabilized, on proper medication, not S or self-harming, or other things...then they don't take me seriously when I ask for help (therapy). They just pass me around the system. Wasted 2 hrs so far talking in circles only to find out that I was directed to the wrong person for help. And that the system is backed up and it might take some time to get help. And since I have been in therapy for many years they have given me the impression that I am "cured" and in no need of mental health services. The psychologist said things like are you just wanting reassurance, advice, guidance...etc?

I have bipolar 1 disorder and PTSD. During PMS week and half I cannot regulate my moods.

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Today, a nice elderly couple came over to do some home repairs around my home. It was very nice to get the help. I had a whole in one of my walls and I subtly hinted that I would get it professionally repaired (since this elderly man had done a very poor job on other patch work)...but he didn't take the hint and repaired the wall anyway. I was smiling on the outside but fuming on the inside. Now I have yet another wall that I will have to have repaired professionally because of the poor workmanship. Grr! And he was about to hang a door back up for me which would require holes being drilled into my new wood laminate flooring...so I lied and said I was having new flooring installed and that there was no need to do it.

I know I sound rude and like a total B....but this man has done some awful patch work in my home that is going to cost me money to have repaired so I can paint the walls.

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I think I am coming to terms that I will never have the relationship with my brother that I want. It has always been on his terms and his boundaries. He has made no attempts to contact me since Dec.26/08. Now I will just have to kindly turn down holiday dinner invitations since I don't want to run into him.