Trouble Opening Up

I've never been good at opening up but recently things I have gotten about 10x worse. Every time I try and speak about emotions I feel physically sick. It feels stupid - kinda like the feeling of guilt but not quite.

It's so frustrating having that feeling. When people try and talk to me about my problems I just seem to want to desolve into the ground, and just friggin shout really loud. BANG!!! It just feels...stupid. And like I said I feel sick - really sick.

GRR.

And also recently I have been very depressed but I just really don't want to talk about it. But even when i do want to it just...ARGH!.

Whenever I see my T I just say yeah everything's fine it's all been going good etc when I know it hasnt but. I just cant ****ing talk about it!

Sorry for cursing but I am really frustrated and disappointed and I am getting the feeling now right ing it and I just want to self harm or scream really load. GRRR!

I am sometimes amazingly depressed. But. Not because of my problems - because of my mum's.

Recently...her work got rid of her position (care co-ordinator) so she had to re-apply and get the job as AMD (the new position that replaces care co-ordinator). Before that she'd been working for company for 4 years as a carer, 1 year as a team facilitator and about 3 months as a care co-ordinator. The change of position meant a pay cut of more than £2000 per year (about $3,190). So she re applied and about 1 week later she got told she got the job. Another 2 weeks later, and then they told her that she hadn't. Why ? Because someone who had been in the company for only 2 years took the final place. So she's got an even shittier job now. And she was crying her eyes out about it.

****. LIFE ****ING SUCKS!

Hello, In_The_Darkness!

I'm sorry about your mum's employment troubles. You're enmeshed in her emotions and that's both touching and troubling. I say "troubling" because you are already suffering and now bear a double burden. Does Mum know about how you're feeling or understand?

Regarding your difficulty sharing your feelings, I think you need to mark it as a problem in its own right. If you feel comfortable doing so, tell your therapist directly what you've revealed here, that you really are very depressed and that you get sick even trying to talk about it, that you don't want to talk about it. A good therapist will take you seriously and work with you.

Wishing you a lightened load...

sorry to hear about your mum's problems.

No my mum doesn't know because it just makes me feel sick and angry when I talk to her about anything to do with my emotions, depression, any sort of health problems really.

Thank You

ITD, what kind of messages do you have floating around in your head about you talking about your feelings?????

You know, In_the-Darkness, regardless of your mum's problems, she would truly love for you to share your life with her. I know that you said that you have trouble talking emotions. I really understand, honestly. I am dealing with something now that I've never dealt with before in therapy and it is too hard. I feel awful talking about it and can hardly say the words. But I have to. If I don't, it will do me in. Talking emotions isn't easy, but it does get easier with practice. Ask your T to give you a sheet with faces on it describing emotions with the facial expression. It's a cool little sheet, I hope T has one. I never knew what they were, honestly.

Lots of hugs to you.

I think a lot of young men have difficulty in opening up and if you have the belief that you don't really matter or think you will get in trouble for expressing your own feelings, it can be hard.

The sickness you feel is probably fron fear/anxiety. What is that fear about? I am glad you could open up here. Maybe you could print the post out and share it with your T. They are there to help you and won't be able to help if you are not honest. I think you'll find the T will be understanding and you'll feel some relief for sharing exactly what is going on for you.

Hugs

I don't know :S I don't know what I have to fear. It could be anxiety I suppose. When I am in these horrible, awkard meetings with my T or really anyone asking me about my emotions. It just feels STUPID and pointless really. And I start kinda scratching my hand and feel really restless - shaking my legs, biting nails, just wanting to SCREAM etc.

Sigh. It would be really could if these feelings went away. The only other thing for me to do is self harm. And that's what I sometimes turn to.

Thank you for your reply

> You know, In_the-Darkness, regardless of your mum's problems, she would truly love for you to share your life with her.

> I wish I could talk to her. I just cant. GRR.

> I know that you said that you have trouble talking emotions. I really understand, honestly.

> It's good to find someone who understands

I am dealing with something now that I've never dealt with before in therapy and it is too hard. I feel awful talking about it and can hardly say the words. But I have to. If I don't, it will do me in. Talking emotions isn't easy, but it does get easier with practice.

> I'm sorry about that...and thank you

Ask your T to give you a sheet with faces on it describing emotions with the facial expression. It's a cool little sheet, I hope T has one. I never knew what they were, honestly.

> Thanks for the suggestion. I really appreciate it. Though we've tried that before and I am not good with facial expressions and it didn't go very well. I just found myself lying about it. Once again it just feels really stupid and I get angry.

Lots of hugs to you.

> Thank you very, very much for the hugs and the reply. Sending some back. Thanks

I can't remember

In_The_Darkness - can you write down your feelings and then show them to T. I'm really sorry about your Mom. The country is in something of a mess I fear. Since you post your pic in your avatar, maybe we will run into one another in the national bread line. See if you can just identify your feelings before writing them down. This may be a problem for you. Anxiety about leaving the house. Anxiety about world situation. No energy. self esteem issues. Paranoia Idk. Caring about you, though ~ Reaching out to others is hard for me, too. billieJ

ITD, we all have messages behind our unhelpful behavior. If you can focus and uncover these it would help you to change your behavior to something that you would prefer. These messages that we pick up while growing up are very powerful and really control our behavior. An example might be how you were treated when you tried to express yourself. If you were discouraged, shamed or even punished this would have a huge affect on you.

A few months after first suspecting I had depression (and about 1 week after being diagnosed), I decided to open up to my freinds at the time and later - after that - about my self harm. They disowned me because I was too 'emo' and 'depressing'.

So much for being myself!

Thanks - I will try next time I see her.

Definately is. The whole world's in a friggin' mess !

Hehe. Sounds good
I really have trouble identifying my feelins. I try really hard. Sometimes I can't decide if I am sad or happy!

I get all of them. The times I do identify my emotions it's usally a mixture of these or more. It's rarely just one emotion :S

Thank you

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To make matters worse, mum has decided to hand her notice in next week. And I said, because I was concerned (and nicely I thought): "You will need to get a new job then won't you ?". She came back at me with: "HOW DARE YOU?! At least I don't sit on my arse all ****ing day doing nothing. You don't have the right to say something like that to me!".

GGR. FFS. She never understands me!

You appear to be able to express yourself quite well using a keyboard. I wonder if it would be possible to have a chat with your T online?

Might be worth a try.

I'll speak with her, thanks.

Talking about your feelings certainly is not pointless. It does sound like you are frightened of opening up.

As for self harm - Self harm takes away the focus of your anxiety so that you do not have to deal with it. Quite often people will self harm to get rid of fear and angry feelings which they feel they cannot express. I wonder if it is this way for you?

I do hope you will gradually open up to your T. Wouldn't it be nice to have feelings without that fear you feel?

Hugs

Let us know how it works.

You definitely need to know who to open up to

Wow! With that sort of response to a question, no wonder you have trouble opening up! Emotions can be really hard to identify, because many people are really only aware of the way that their body reacts to a situation - arousal - and not to the fine tuned interpretation of it. Normally you get a flash of physical reaction which calls forth emotional associations, and those can go on and on, and help us identify what we felt, but als keep us mired in negativity if we aren't carefull. So for some what others do in less than a second - feel response - make associations - identify emotion, others need far more time for. Some of us need to send out assessments, take a vote, fill out the environmental impact forms, before we can start guessing what emotion actually made its appearance. I'm sure you have a lot a trouble with this, but there are a lot of ppeople who can't do it because they have, in affect, been trained not to. Emotions are scarey stuff. Take some huggs with you and use them if it helps you sort things out