[Jmall]

Hola. My name is John. I'm 22, and pretty much I am so depressed I can barely move. The only reason I do, is to hide the fact that I am depressed from those around me.

Sometimes I think about it, and my life doesn't seem like ****... I think I have friends, and family that care about me. I can flirt, and get people to like me.

But then I sink into a deep dark depression. My friends seemingly hate me. My family doesn't want me. I am ugly. This is how I generally feel. It sucks my motivation up as well, I don't have my license, or a job, simply because I do not have enough motivation or care enough to get them. It's tiring sometimes just rolling out of bed.

Then I think about the things in my life, and I just want to go back to bed...
The girl of my dreams that I am doomed to be close friends with for the rest of my life. My ex girlfriend I don't talk to anymore (even though she is the only one that knows the real me) The fact that I am a failure, and not good at anything... So instead I sit in online purgatory all day, and play video games just to distract myself from thinking. I have grown to despise video games, but I'm good at them, and it keeps me from being suicidal.

[googley]

Jmall,
Welcome to PC.
Have you seen a T who would be able to help you with how you're feeling and find more outlets? It is good that you can see it is your depression that is changing your thinking. I hope you feel better. Take care of yourself.

[littlelou]

[Rohag]

Hi, Jmall! Global demotivation and a general inability to sustain motivation are also characteristic of my experience of depression. Various medications and therapy have so far failed to help.

Clearly, you have talents and can do some things. Unfortunately, too many of the people around us devalue those particular accomplishments, and their judgments echo in our minds, worsening our depression.

I'm glad you have friends and family who have at least some understanding. May you find a way forward.

[BlueOak]

Jmall,
You're in a very dark place and, given the way you've described your life right now, it seems unlikely that you're going to find your way back into the sunlight without some help. I strongly urge you to consider either finding a therapist/counselor who you feel good about or getting an evaluation by a psychiatrist with the idea of trying antidepressant medication -- or both. You can find support and advice and cyberhugs at this forum (all good things), but my gut feeling is you need professional help of one kind or another. Some people find more benefit from therapy; others, like me, have found more relief from medication. You know your present course is leading you nowhere, so I hope you can find the strength to do some research and make some phone calls once you decide which direction you want to try going in first. Please keep posting here and let us know what you have decided to do. Good luck.

BlueOak

[Jmall]

Therapy has always just depressed me more. I start getting this feeling like... "Oh awesome, the only people I can get to care about the things really going on with me, are getting paid... sweet."

Yeah I know I should get help, but the problem is. I don't want to let my family and friends know just how depressed I am. It would just make them feel bad. Which I don't want. So I am hoping that here, I will be able to talk to other people etc, at least enough to get my motivation up to do something else.

[BlueOak]

Originally Posted by Jmall

Therapy has always just depressed me more. I start getting this feeling like... "Oh awesome, the only people I can get to care about the things really going on with me, are getting paid... sweet."

Yeah I know I should get help, but the problem is. I don't want to let my family and friends know just how depressed I am. It would just make them feel bad. Which I don't want. So I am hoping that here, I will be able to talk to other people etc, at least enough to get my motivation up to do something else.

Well, yeah, if you don't tell family and friends about your condition, then the only people who will care about what's really going on with you -- IRL anyway -- will be people who are getting paid! Who else is there besides family and friends?

I'm not completely convinced that the reason you haven't told family and friends is that it would "make them feel bad." (I'm also not sure what kind of "bad" you mean -- bad as in feeling guilty because they feel responsible, which might make sense for your parents, or bad as in bad for you, that is, they would pity you, which might be true for family or friends?) In any case, you don't really know how they would respond. I suspect you are also motivated by the fear that they might feel that you are WEAK if you admit your depression to them. They might. They also might surprise you by being more supportive than you give them credit for.

Of course, even if you have supportive family and friends, that doesn't mean you wouldn't also benefit by seeing a therapist. Therapists are professionals who see depressed people every day. They know what to say and what to advise that will be HELPFUL. (Well, some of them do, anyway. Unfortunately, there are also some less than stellar therapists out there, which is why it's so important to find one you feel good about and comfortable with.)

I hope you're right and that your interactions here will help to motivate you to decide what your next move should be.

Just curious: what are your thoughts on medication?

Take care,

BlueOak

[trevorzero]

If your ex-girlfriend knows the REAL you, then it seems that she ought to be an important person in your life. Whatever reason you've had not to be talking to her, I would hope that you could overcome it and get her back in your life as a friend.

[Jmall]

Originally Posted by BlueOak

Well, yeah, if you don't tell family and friends about your condition, then the only people who will care about what's really going on with you -- IRL anyway -- will be people who are getting paid! Who else is there besides family and friends?

Well, part of it is that on some sick level I want people to see that I am depressed, and ask if they can help. Not go to them and ask them. Because then they will feel obligated, and bad for me.

Originally Posted by BlueOak

I'm not completely convinced that the reason you haven't told family and friends is that it would "make them feel bad." (I'm also not sure what kind of "bad" you mean -- bad as in feeling guilty because they feel responsible, which might make sense for your parents, or bad as in bad for you, that is, they would pity you, which might be true for family or friends?) In any case, you don't really know how they would respond. I suspect you are also motivated by the fear that they might feel that you are WEAK if you admit your depression to them. They might. They also might surprise you by being more supportive than you give them credit for.

I feel like with my friends, I have constant fear of losing them anyway. So if I present any more issues to them. They won't want to deal with it. My mother I think would feel bad, because she would think it was her fault, while my father doesn't believe depression exists.

Originally Posted by BlueOak

Just curious: what are your thoughts on medication?

I don't really know. Haven't tried many.

[Jmall]

Originally Posted by trevorzero

If your ex-girlfriend knows the REAL you, then it seems that she ought to be an important person in your life. Whatever reason you've had not to be talking to her, I would hope that you could overcome it and get her back in your life as a friend.

We've both tried. The thing is, the reason we broke up. Was because a) I was in love with my best friend. And b) she never had time.

[lonegael]

(((((((Jmall))))))) Oh, you've got it bad!!! One thing that I've learned from dealing with recurring bouts of nasty depression is that the big D will do what ever it can to ensure that the downward sprial continues. It will discourage you from getting help for different reasons, and will denegrate the efforts you make to do so.

It is excellent that you have tried to talk to a therapist. It seems like a lot of folks, you have some ideas about therapists and caring. I work with people who do a lot of therapy for chronic pain patients and I can honestly tell you that they care, and not because the State here pays them so much for it. I've seen therapists get tears in their eyes reporting on a particular patient's background, and have heard them saying that they sometimes have trouble leaving the work at work. What you are paying for, Jmall is not the caring. That has to be there from the beginning or that professional should have never been a therapist. What you are paying for is the expertise and the work that no friend would be able to do for you because the type of relationship might be too close. Not the caring. That should come naturally.

As to your mom, give her a chance. You can make it clear to her that it is not her fault, or ask a therapist about how you can tell her (another thing therapists are good for). Depression has a way of tricking us into thinking that maintaining HIM will spare others. It's a way of sealing off all the exits. Your mom might be much stronger than you think, and she is an adult who deserves the respect of not being underestimated. If it were my son, you betcha I'd want to know.

Hang in there. I know for a fact that stupid people don't get that good at computer games, so that it means that you actually are no failure when certain qualities like reaction time, focus, problemsolving, strategy and such are involved. What's wrong is that it is hard for you to use these qualities right now, but you are not a failure! That's a lie from depression! He's told me that too! Keep posting and let us know how it foes, OK?