Questions surrounding suicide

*gulp*

I brought this up with my pdoc today....
She was really good about it, but it was really hard

True, true, true.

I was in a psych hospital this summer to evaluate my episodic aphasia and during the assessment the RN asked if I had intent of suicide or a suicide plan. It baffled her when I said I had no intent but I did have a plan. She asked me to elaborate on the plan so I did. I got the idea from watching Nancy Grace's conversation with a medical examiner.

The next day the hospital psychologist approached me and said he understood I wanted to commit suicide. No, dude, that isn't what I said at all. He couldn't understand that I had a plan but no intent. I likely will never use my plan but someday if I have an incurable disease and wish to escape suffering I know how to end it peacefully. Thank you, Nancy Grace.

I think the difference between "suicidal thoughts" and "suicidal ideation" is that ideation = thinking + motivation. So when you're motivated to act upon a thought, you have an ideation.

Personally, I think that anyone with any romance in them will inevitably fantasize about how they might kill themselves. Self-destruction is the shadow side of self-creation.

Some philosopher -- probably Nietzsche -- said something like, "Thoughts of suicide have delivered many a sufferer from a desperate night."

I think that it's important to be adult on the subject and acknowledge that we all have the right to self determination. I find the assurance of being able to end my own life to be empowering and strengthening. As long as I know that I can end it all if I absolutely must, I can bear just about anything.

I have done my research on the subject, determined a few options, and filed them away. This is called "being informed." And, of course, the famous bridge in my city is the most active suicide spot on the planet.

I call it PLAN Z. ('z' because it is absolutely the last plan to resort to). It doesn't hurt to have one. But I never, ever have to act on it. And this knowledge and assurance has delivered me through a few desperate nights. Mike

I have sat in a running car with the garage door closed before...Thankfully I was able to remember the devastation that I would be leaving behind for those that love me....(I am a survivor of parental suicide and I know there is nothing romantic about suicide). I truly believe it is a person saying "I hurt so much and can't do this anymore"... So sad that there is so much stigma attached to admitting that to ANYONE.

I am not suicidal, but I have been low enough (feels shame) to think about and look into it as the "last resort". Honestly though....I don't think I could ever actually do it. For some sick reason..having a "last resort" helps me cope when I am in the depths of depression.

Removing shame......leads to healing....

Asking for help......is asking for help.....

Whether it is to cross the road due to a disablity......or seeking help to stay alive.....

In my experience, I have shouted my ideation from the rooftops until someone would listen.......and my hospital always has listened and helped.....and kept me alive......they have also listened when my ideation has been homicidal....

IMO.....it matters little what others think......I don't care if they are frightened.....if they know me and love me like thy say they do, they will take me seriously and they do......and big safety measures go in to place.

Afterall, my life is infinitely important, even if I do not believe it at the time. Not just to me but also to my family, especially my son......

Please talk of it......it can be so isolating when everyone runs away from you.......and if people are educated and have access to resources, they can help, because they KNOW what to do to help......

Sorry if I have crossed any boundaries.......but my sons father committed suicide Xmas day last year......yep, it was horrific......my son and I had good talks about it......I am sure it will come up again as he gets older......

Lets remove the taboo.......I imagine we would get many more people admitting thoughts of sleep eternal, with supposedly "normal" cognitive pathologies, than we ever guessed.

Thanks all and big big hugs

Michah

((Michah))
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. The stigma prevents so many people from getting the help they need. Mental health issues should be treated like any other disease. I'm sure no one would have shunned my father if he had cancer. It's just so wrong...

I think about suicide quite a bit, actually a lot of the time. I have made failed attempts in the past. I have had a lot of therapy surrounding this topic as is the case at the moment. I call the emergency lines quite often when I get a strong feeling to do something. I have planned my own demise many a time in the past, written suicide letters. It is not something that I am proud of but something that I can’t seem to control, it comes from somewhere deep within me that wants to come out with a vengeance. At times these feelings are very frightening yet somehow rational to another part of me. It feels like its not really me who is acting on the suicidal tendencies but the other person who dwells within me, my opposite twin, someone who has their own identity and power and will that I can not control. At least now, I will call my doc or call the help line. I also have the option of going to the hospital to be placed as an in-patient. I wish that I had more control!!!! I don’t pretend to know what happens to me but something inside of me seems to be so spontaneous!!! Then I am off on another tangent planning, scheming something, it just seems so dammed uncontrollable. As a matter of fact, I am waiting right now for the crisis centre to call me back. I guess they are having a busy night. It’s like calling 911 and getting put on hold!! Not good. I don’t know what to do except wait and try to think rationally “I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, I’ll be okay, settle down John!!!” I keep telling the part of me that is somewhat sane that I can get through it. I may get admitted to the hospital again if these feelings gets much worse and that is always an option that I can’t ignore! Sometimes the medication just doesn’t do the job or at least that is what I think. Sometimes reading the bible and praying helps yet at other times it is useless. God can be cruel and pitiless or at times kind and gentle, it is his choice not mine, while I am left to live with the consequences. The mind can play some awful games with your psyche ripping and tearing a person to shreds, igniting thoughts that you never realized were even possible. I think, “Where to hell did that crazy, vicious inhumane thought come from?” I keep fighting to stay well, to stay alive to live another day, hoping it will get better sooner or later. I call my life “The Age of Depression” as I have fought with depression for as long as I have memories. The last few years have been some of the most intense times in my life for whatever reason. At times, I just seem to be on this rollercoaster ride, cycling up and down with no end in site. But the highs are uncomfortable and frightening and uncontrollable yet a split second later I can feel trapped down in the deepest, darkest most frightening hole one could imagine. I don’t have any control or the power to stop what is happening to me. The only thing I find that I can do is to try to follow my doctors’ advice, keep going to therapy, keep taking my medications, keep calling the crisis line when I feel it is necessary, and try to keep my sanity to the best of my ability.

Hi all:
This is my first time posting here. Seems to be a pretty legitimate site so I'm glad I found you all. I was diagnosed with chronic depression around age 21. By the time I hit close to 30 and the low moods were still consuming me, I started to believe the doctor. I'm 47 now, and since I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be jumping ship, I'm coming to terms with this being me and trying not to be depressed about being depressed. I'd like to maybe start a thread on that sometime because that's the key to breaking the spiral of depression. The mind can be like the house of mirrors at a carnival...it keeps reflecting back, then reflecting that back and reflecting back what it reflected back and... AY YI YI!! So then you're depressed, because you're depressed, because you're depressed...and before you know it it's pretty dark in the room. Anyway, I've gone off topic.

I just wanted to share what I know about the difference between suicidal thoughts and suicidal ideation. The occassional "thought" about not existing is something that most people have at some time or other. On the other hand, suicidal "ideation" is going beyond the random periodic thought and beginning to dwell on and romanticize about suicide. This often includes actual visualizations or mental rehearsals of different ways to do it. Sometimes it becomes a vicarious way to relieve the stress of feeling so awful -- going right up to the line but never crossing the point to follow through. It's like having an affair to save a marriage. This "flirtation" with the pleasure and relief imagined, might help someone continue to cope with life.

I'm no expert and if I had everything figured out I wouldn't be in this chatroom. This is my understanding from a training I received to volunteer for a suicide crisis hotliine several moons ago. Hope this was helpful. Thanks for being here and I hope to make some new friends.
Jooker

Trigger

I have definitely seen this side of myself and it's very scary. At the moment I have the though I can see it clear, then afterwards I just wonder what the **** I was possibly thinking. Thanks for sharing this Jooker and welcome to PC.

Chris

I think about it alot.