Long time sadness - anyone else? :(

Hi everyone,

I posted on a webmd board but nobody there really seems to care much so I thought I'd try this site. It's my first post so I hope it's not dropping too much at the outset.

I'm a married man, 39 yo, with a 9 month old child. We just bought our first home in July and moved in the same month. Recently I've finally admitted to myself that someone was wrong and went to a family practitioner to get meds for my original self-diagnosis of dysthymia (which was confirmed by the doctor) and started Prozac. Everyone around me says how happy I should be and I guess I should but I'm not, even to the point of wanting it all to end on occasion and even thinking of ways to do that.

It started from an early age I think. My parents moved to an town when I was young and these small southern places don't consider you to be there unless your family from way back was there so I was usually ridiculed or ignored or physically harassed because I wasn't from there, I was smarter than others, I was larger than others, and I was pretty much gentle and unassuming, which is a dangerous combination to have. My parents were together but I always had a great relationship with my mother (best friend) and my father and I was usually at odds though I know he loved and cared about me, he was usually away working. Fast forwarding, after years and a string of wrong decisions (not finished college (3 I went to) though getting an associate degree, I'm convinced now I've had ADHD all my life but never diagnosed, when I want to know something I quickly learn all I can but I can't stick with it.) and bad relationships with women who took what they could get financially and emotionally then left when I had nothing else to give, my mood and outlook on life and people spiraling down all the while my mother was diagnosed with cancer in Aug. 2001 and died in Oct. 2001. That accelerated my sadness and in 2007 my cat who was all the comfort I had during all these headaches passed away from renal failure (in my arms at least).

I had met my wife in 2006 and we were married in 2007. At times I felt like I was having fun and all was well only to fall back into misery a short time later. She moved here in 2008 and in Jan 2009 we had our son. Again in July we bought a house. Aside from the brief moments of what I tried to be happy about, everything else just seemed taxing and I wanted some relief. My stress and illness caused me to lash out verbally at those closest to me and I finally decided to do something about it for my safe, my wife, and baby. Even now sometimes I think they'd be better off with my insurance money and without me, though she's absolutely supportive and loving and all the issues we have on occasion stem from my internal hell.

Has anyone else gone through something like this? Any suggestions on what to do?

Maybe this was lost in the sea of posts.

Welcome Briester, it sounds like you have been through an awful lot of grief in your life so far and possibly didn't grieve properly at the time. Past traumas can have an impact on us. I am glad you are able to talk about it here. I suggest that you talk to your Doctor on how you are feeling and look into getting psychotherapy.

Hello & Welcome, Briester!

Our stories are different, but we do share some of the same thoughts and, most to the point, our depression is of long duration.

In my case, therapy and medications have helped take the edge off the sting of the illness, but have not restored me to a "normal" productive life. I'm relatively safe but highly dysfunctional.

What I keep hearing about the drugs is that they don't make you feel better, they enable you to feel better. In my personal case, I find the medications simply make me not care I don't feel better.

You already seem to be doing some of the "right" things, and you have a supportive wife. It's always best to be completely honest with your doctor about how you are feeling and the effects/side-effects of the medications. I'm sure your wife would appreciate reconfirmation from you that you love her and that your love is not conditional on your "getting better."

Good for you for seeking help!

Welcome to PC.

I agree with Pegasus; I find it very helpful to go to a therapist. He is very nice, caring and supportive and I don't have to worry about his welfare so I can talk openly and honestly.

This web site has a list of therapists in your area. Go to the home page and write in 'therapists' in the search box, then you type in your zip code. It will give a list or and profile of therapists in your area.

Best wishes and Keep Posting!!

Briester, the others are right. You can't just change your mood to happiness by choice as many who do not suffer think that is all it takes. As a strong person all my life, when I started exhibiting early warning signs I ignored them even when they grew worse. I too have a new wife and baby and just had to shut my law firm down due to the economy. However, with the right combination of medication and psychothearapy you can get thru this. I fought it for 20 years because I saw my illness as a sign of weekness. I am working on a book about it with a working title right now called "Two Decades of Darkness" Imagine not feeling like you or pretending to be your old self for twenty years? It will catch up to you in a bad way if you do not seek help and also urge your loved ones to gain a better understanding of what you are going thru so they can be more supportive.

I came from the old school where such mattters as mental illness were not discussed...it was hell getting my family to open their eyes.

Hi Briester. I have no advice, just some positive energy that I'm sending your way . Hope you feel better soon. Mike

When I go through my downs, they are deep and nasty and long. It's just recently that I have found that all of my problems with my hubby aren't related to my disease So now that i'm somewhat better I have to work on that too... Welcome and enjoy posting! People here are pretty cool

I have a diagnosis of dysthymia as well. But it sounds like you are in an acute phase of depression and perhaps you require a different drug regimen than what you currently have. Don't be afraid to speak up and demand a new med if you feel the need for one.

By the way, I know what you are talking about in terms of your cat dying. My cat died in August and it was a very major blow for me. Cats can make us feel quite loved and appreciated and it is terrible to lose that support in our lives.

Hi Briester,

I feel your pain. I have suffered from depression for almost 14 years and after countless medications, only therapy has really helped me. I am still depressed, but I can manage it with therapy and I am on Lexapro. I can tell you from experience that you DO NOT want to kill yourself..it will devastate your family...no amout of money in the world can replace you...my dad killed himself when I was 16 and it really messed me up...seek help, if not for you for your child. Good luck and be blessed..it WILL get better.

I sincerely appreciate all the kind words, thoughts, and positiveness you have gifted me with from your posts. As many of us know it's difficult to feel good many times and it's also comforting (in a strange way) to hear of other people going through the same or similar issues as you then realizing from this that you're really not alone in the world. To me it brings a slight reconnect with people.

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate each and every one of you taking the time to post a reply. With how difficult our lives are, sometimes it's hard to get anything else else done aside from what's just needed day by day.

I'm looking forward to being an active participant here and hopefully seeing my and all our conditions improve over time.

Thank you again.

That's very very true. There's something about a contented purr that just eases my mind for a little bit. Sorry to hear you lost your cat too.