For anyone that was rooting for me today, ty for your thoughts and support. It did not go well - I actually feel like I have lost my best friend in real life.

Please don't worry if you don't hear too much from me for awhile - I'll be here checking on posts and replying. I just have no idea what to do anymore..........I am very lost right now.

Mary Alice

[Peanut61]

Hello my friend!! First of all, your pics are really terrific - the ocean/sunset scene is magnificent! I just pm'd you again, (sorry I keep bugging you, but I've grown very fond of you as I know you know) - **Peanut smiles at {{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}** We'll talk more OK? (Please?!!). You are VERY IMPORTANT to us here!!! Most fondly, and with respect. XOXO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT :-)</font color=blue>

[heidu]

If you need to talk about it we are here.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

We are here for you hun always. We have some good shoulders to lean on.

Take care
Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

[kvinneakt]

I am sorry it did not go well. Or did it? Maybe some bumps on the road, but maybe it is the right road.

You referred to your T as your friend? That puzzles me. A therapist might be percieved as your friend sometimes (I think this is called transference), but cannot ethically treat you that way in return. It is not professional and ultimately not therapeutic.

Do you have a return visit soon?

[Serenity]

MAry ALice...sorry to hear it didnt go so well I knwo it was hard for you....maybe(?) it didnt go so badly? I know you were very nervous about it and expected the worst.....maybe after a day or two it wont seem so bad? AS long as we know youre still here...even if silently inthe background it'll be ok. WOw...that was anawful lotta maybe's grrr I'll have to be more forceful next time lol *Hugs Mary ALice
Serenity

"Open the doors and windows and let your heart breathe" (thank you k )

You are never a pest Peanut

Ty, the ocean thing is peaceful and relaxing. Have a good day today.

xoxoxo

Heather, Heidu - tyvm {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I appreciate all of you immensely.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{Kv}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Yes, I thought of him as my friend. I trust him and would not talk to anyone else. He has gone above and beyond the definition of his "job" as my T, put up with me dropping in and being hysterical - and not charging me a penny extra plus being there.

I would never presume that we would "socialize" outside his office. He has a wife and children and a life. But he has always made time for me, either worked me into his schedule or has come in early/stayed late for me. If that was simply his job, I don't think he would have done all that.

Yes, I am clinging to him because he is the only one out here that has genuinely shown me caring - as me........everyone else runs. The last person other than my son that I would ever want to hurt in anyway would be him. And I believe I have done that.

I am supposed to see him next week.............as of today, unless something majors occurs, I will not be there. There isn't much to talk about as he & I agreed yesterday.

{{{{{{{{Serenity}}}}}}}}}}} ty. I spent all my tears last night, now I am praying for the numbness to set in so the pain stops. I'll be around...........promise.

Mary Alice

[kvinneakt]

Sorry, but I think you are silly not to keep your appt next week. Things have taken a turn, you have not what exactly, but that is ok. I just can hardly believe that his having learned more about you by reading your posts has been anything but positive for you in the final outcome.

I have a very good friend who is a psycho therapist. She is not a miracle worker. She tried very hard. She is just a plain, ordinary human in the real world. She sometimes makes mistakes. She is very professional and will struggle through whatever difficulties come up in a client/therapist relationship. Give your T a chance. If he has been good for you so far, then you should expect the benefits will continue.

[heidu]

I agree with you Kvinneakt and I think you have made some good points to Mary Alice. I get the impression that maybe things went well but not for her because she is very reluctant to open up. I can't help but wonder if maybe her T said he couldn't help her or maybe there was nothing to talk about because she has made it quite clear here that although she trusts and feels comfortable around him she will fight with everything she has to resist him and his help.
Just what I am thinking anyway. I hope she does keep that Appt. and lets her T help her the best he can.
I enjoy reading your posts and replies.
Heidu

Every path to a new understanding begins in confusion- Mason Cooley

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

<sigh> nothing on here that I posted upset my T. You are very correct about "although she trusts and feels comfortable around him she will fight with everything she has to resist him and his help. "

My visit with him was so sad, so depressing. I wanted so much to jump up and down and say HELP ME PLEASE but I can't. It seems that my extreme depression and resistance to him has him pulling back and thinking that we have nothing to talk about anymore.

I want to go there and tell him to stop me, to change my meds, to DO SOMETHING because he is the only one who can - but those words will never come out of my mouth. I know he's not a mind reader and that I am not very open to believing what he says about me and my "value".

But after 2 years, he knows me better than my own husband does........if he is giving up, that simply reinforces my own sense of worthlessness. He is the only one that can really reach me and I don't feel like he believes it is possible to help me anymore.

I can't keep going every week to see him and getting more depressed. Better I stay away, stay "efficient and unemotional" because I may look fine, but inside one touch and I will shatter into a million pieces.

This is the worst that I have ever felt - the absolute lowest. My back surgeon has put me on a diff med for the nerves in my leg - neurontin, 3 times a day. It's making me so sleepy.

You are very intuitive Heidu, ty for understanding and caring.

Mary Alice

[Peanut61]

Hi {{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}: I wish your T could read this thread = do you think you would consider e-mailing it to him, (there is a mechanism for doing that on here), or giving a copy of it to him in person? Keeping you close in thought & prayer. XOXO! Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[kvinneakt]

If you can't say it, but can put it in writing, do that. You are clearly one of the most articulate persons on this forum.

I used to go to a shrink with a long letter because I just could not talk. He was never surprised. I think it is not an uncommon thing to do. It was a great way to make the most of the session. I could spend days putting together exactly the right letter.

Don't despair! Keep your next appointment. Keep working on your issues.

Wouldn't it be boring to be a normal person?

:* Peanut

I want to send him an email, we do that sometimes when I need to reach him, but I can't. If he reads my posts again, that would be great, but I won't ask him to again. Last time I underlined NEED and he read them..........I can't ask anymore.

I tried to reach my primary doc today, to see about changing my Prozac and he wasn't in the office........I'm batting a thousand again.

I alternate between being so depressed that I don't care, to scared that I won't see him again because I won't let myself go. The worst part is, if I don't show up - nothing will happen. A patient cancels an appt..........so what? I'm not trying to test him - like I told him, I would lose..........but I feel like I have lost already.

Never mind, I don't think I am making any sense here at all..........keep praying though, ok? Thanks, my friend.

[kvinneakt]

It is not lost. This is not a black/white issue. He just cutting you some slack.

<~~~~~~~shocked.......ty for saying that. No one has ever said that before to me. .

I am one of these paranoid people though that if it is in writing and everything, it will be used against me........stupid, I know. He knows it's me on here but to actually write it all out and hand it to him - it would go in my file. Geez I hate that file.

The poems I have written I sent to him before, to let him see what I was feeling. <sigh> I wouldn't know "normal" if it came up and bit me in the nose..........I'd settle for peace and contentment though.

Ty Kv*************for caring.

Mary Alice

He was sad, Kv........genuinely sad and at a loss for words. It was horrible.

[Peanut61]

Hello my friend. I hope you will keep trying to reach your pdoc because the correct antidepressant could really be a tremendous help for you = I couldn't take the others you mentioned, but CELEXA has worked for my depression really well. {{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}, please keep your appointment with your T = no matter how hard he tries or how much he wants to help, (and I'm sure he does), you guys are partners in your recovery effort = he really does need your input, by showing him this, or writing like KVin suggested, or, ideally, by opening up to him in person, in order to help = and, believe me, we ALL want your partnership to be successful toward your recovery. Your Son needs you, and we need you, (((((((Mary Alice))))))) = you are a worthy, valuable person who deserves to live and to have some joy! Most fondly, Peanut **Peanut sneaking in a small icon 4 Mary Alice**

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Aw hun....is there anything we can do? I agree with sending him an email of your posts here and just writing Help in the subject. What do you have to lose? I wish there was something more I could say right now .....I am so sorry you are going through all of this. We are here for you {{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}

Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>

[Peanut61]

He's human, Sweetie; of course he would be sad that he might lose you = that doesn't mean that he has given up! It's something each of us deal with whenever we interact and risk with others on this board who are feeling so depressed = that we might lose & hurt = but that doesn't stop us from taking the risk, does it? No indeedy it doesn't, my friend!!! Never will stop caring about you, {{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}} = we're like bad pennies around here = no getting rid of us!! XOXO!!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT </font color=blue>

Beautiful heart, ty so much. A friend of mine (well, someone who I thought was a friend) was on Celexa too. [shrug] I'm just tired...........the battle was lost, but hopefully not the war, huh? Maybe one of these days I will feel like the person you describe - that would be great.

My son and I have been spending alot of time together - talking and playing on the XBox. I bought him a little stuffed dog today......just called to me as I got my prescription filled. People thought I was crazy petting this little dog and snuggling with him.......lol. My son loves him, and named him Fuzzy cuz he's so soft and cute. Add this one to the 100 + animals in the bed now...........geez.

Thanks Peanut.........so very much.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} just you responding makes me feel less alone. Thank you.

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You now have a Fuzzybear too

I know exactly what you mean about the 100+ animals on the bed. My son(Timmy) is the same as your son and loves cuddling with them at bedtime. I do the same and snuggle in with him. Why don't you try doing that tonight? Your son will love it as much as you.

On another note too - I am on Celexa as well. It has helped me immensely....I started in February as I was at my breaking point myself then...I had just lost my Mom 2 days after Christmas and could not cope anymore..... Celexa as well as therapy and the terrific support system I have with SeptMorn (Tomi), Jill(Peanut) and so many others from the CA board we used to be on......I will always be thankful for finding them all........just something to think about ok?

Take care and enjoy your cuddling with your son and Fuzzy

Hugs
Heather

<font color=blue>The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way </font color=blue>