[jen29]

Hi everyone,

I have been thinking a lot about how far I have NOT come since being diagnosed with depression at the age of 17. Now am 30 and I feel I have not come very far.
I have been taking my meds as perscribed mostly through out the past 13 years. I have been wondering if meds are even worth it anymore. I have been on so many different medications and sometimes have been on them more than once.
Therapy is really touch right now, and I just don't see the point anymore. I love my therapist so much and she really cares about me and my health. I just don't know how much more of this my mind can take.
I have lost it a few times this past week, even being rude to my dad and step-mom and a really good friend. I am never rude to them...don't know what is going on with me.
I have been seeing my pdoc, actually say him Friday and he gave me Valium to get me through the weekend, and I have to see him again Tonight. I don't even know what to tell him, I really have to watch what I say to people because the hospital has been brought up many times in the last 5 days.
The hospital doesn't help me at all, yes it keeps me safe until I get home, and now my pdoc even brought up going into a long-term hospital stay...I really do NOT want that to happen.
I really don't know what to even tell my pdoc, or anyone else. The valium helped for 2 days, and now, nothing. GRRRRR!
I have been getting so angry lately, I usually don't have an anger problem, but it's come out over the past few days, and I lose control and don't even think of consequenses.
Sorry this is long and boring, just had to get this out!
Thanks for listening.
Hugs to everyone,
Jen

[Naturefreak]

Jen29 When you've been depressed for so long it just takes a whole lot out of you mentally and physically. Then it can come to a point where you are so frustrated with your depression that anger can set in . Whether it's angry at yourself , your friends , your family , the world in general . It just happens . Getting angry can be good for your system as long as it doesn't hurt anyone , including yourself.
Get a pillow or a punching bag and take it out on them .
Your question ................. Is it really worth it anymore ?
YES . That's my answer . Take care and keep fighting .

[quote=jen29;1178281]Hi everyone,

I have been taking my meds as prescribed mostly through out the past 13 years. I have been wondering if meds are even worth it anymore. I have been on so many different medications and sometimes have been on them more than once.

You have treatment resistant depression.

My depression was treatment resistant as well. Something might vaguely work for awhile, but not really. I just went off all of my antidepressants at once, which was a very stupid thing to do but which is kind of common for people like me.

My Psydoc put me on the EMSAM PATCH, 6mg; it has really worked. I'm going to ask to go up to the 9mg patch next time I see him.

Google "deprenyl" -- that's basically the ingredient in the Emsam Patch. I'm freakin delighted, though I still have some days where I'm just beyond the reach of chemistry! Mike

[Michah]

Jen,

It sounds like you have been battling for so long that you are suffering what I call "spiritual fatigue", a feeling of futility, despair, longing and homesickness.

The thing with this is, it is a huge turning point in your recovery and healing. It means that your mind is seeking meaning, not just in life but in spirit as well. I call this period of time "existential angst"......the "what is life all about?", "is this all there is?", "what do I mean and where do I fit in"?

Let me tell you, it is extremely painful, and exhilarating at the same time......for you are on the cusp of FREEDOM. No matter how long it takes to find the way, KNOW that you are on the right path, your mind is healing and asking the big questions, which means curiosity, which leads to answers.....they will come when you are ready to receive them.

This might sound like a whole bunch of kaffooey, but it sounds very similar to what I went through at 30 and I had a lengthy psych hopsital admission at the end of 2007 at the age of 34. So much intense grief and pain I didn't think I would stand it. I also have chronic health issues as well but did not have the dx then. I was misdx as bipolar and medicated for it. It has since been retracted and off all meds. I still deal with the grief sometimes but it is getting easier........I worked at returning to spirit.......and that can be done many ways.....

I know you feel awful, but do not fear. Most people, even ones who do not suffer depression, go through a mini crisis at 30("I don't have enough money, I am not good enough at/hate my job, I can't keep the house clean, I look older, I am not a good enough parent/wife/lover and so on and on). Add chronic depression to the mix, and no wonder it feels terrible and bottomless.......this is a good thing long term, for you shall prevail. It is ALWAYS worth it babe......you are on the precipice of greatness.....embrace the uncertainty and forgive yourself for the times that you can't. No fear.......

Be very, very kind to yourself.......the Universe is waiting for you to return......time has no meaning, it will happen when it is meant to. Know that you are loved and work on loving yourself......unconditionally......love because you can......despite the darkness.......you are very, very important......do what you can do to be safe, to return to spirit.

Take good care babe.......right here with you.....you can do it!!

“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.”Taoist quote

In stillness,

Michah

[lynn P.]

Hi Jen,
you received great answers from Babysteps, Cypher and Michah. I agree with what Babysteps said about anger - I think depression is actually internalized anger. It's okay to get constructively angry - it might spur you into the next level because you're on a plateau right now. I was wondering if you've considered meditation? Are you exercising - it's well known that exercise greatly improves depression. I hope you feel better

[Michah]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

Hi Jen,
you received great answers from Babysteps, Cypher and Michah. I agree with what Babysteps said about anger - I think depression is actually internalized anger. It's okay to get constructively angry - it might spur you into the next level because you're on a plateau right now. I was wondering if you've considered meditation? Are you exercising - it's well known that exercise greatly improves depression. I hope you feel better

Totally Lynn and Babysteps, when I went through my terribly violent stages, my T at the time used to say to me.....

"Fear is the root of all anger and rage. What are you so afraid of".......I was afraid......of myself.

Took me a while to realise that......

Michah

[jen29]

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate the kind words you have sent to me.
I just got home from my pdoc and getting prescriptions. He is reducing most of my psych meds, and he gave me adivan for 3 days. I am to call him on Thursday am to see how if it is working.
He is pretty concerned about my heart rate...it was 136 today at 6. He thinks that he might try a beta-blocker to see if that will help with the heart rate and the last time I saw him my BP was 150/110...which is soooo high. I have never had that high of BP before. Today is was 110/90 which is a lot better...but my heart is beating so fast.
He said that he is not very hopeful that the adivan will help, but he said to give it a try. Now how am I supposed to be hopeful, even though I am not at all, if he feels that way.
Thanks again everyone.
Hugs,
Jen

[jen29]

Just an update.
I went to my T today and spent 30 min. with her and then my dad came in for the rest of the 30 min. I didn't hardly say anything. I was so focused on the ground. I kept coming in and out of it. My dad was very supportive and my T brought up my parents divorce when I was 8 or 9--i don't quite remember my age. She told him of my feelings of being at fault for that night things hit the fan. Of course he said it wasn't...but I know it was, well at least part of me knows it was. But for now I have to let it be known that to everyone in my mind that we are NOT at fault.
I still don't know the point is. I don't even know what to say to my pdoc when I am supposed to call him tomorrow in the morning. I have been on valium and adivan for trying to calm down.
My T says I am going through so much crap right now that the medication is working I just can't see it. She really cares for me, and boy am I trying to push her away, I am telling her to not care, and to not see me anymore. She told me she is more stubborn than myself, and she is going to fight with me till the end. She wants me to stay alive not just because she is my T but because she cares for me very much she says.
I have been having soooo many dreams about the end of life, how I do it and who is there with me. I don't know what is bringing this on, but it is getting to the point where I hardly sleep or I sleep all day.
There is so much more in me, but I don't want to bore you.
So will stop.
Thanks again for listening,
Hugs,
Jen

[gingerkat]

OMG - I know how you feel about the meds. Tomorrow I'm going to do something stupid, but I want to find out if they work. I'm stopping all meds and see if I'm okay.

(((hugs)))

[jen29]

Originally Posted by gingerkat

OMG - I know how you feel about the meds. Tomorrow I'm going to do something stupid, but I want to find out if they work. I'm stopping all meds and see if I'm okay.

(((hugs)))

Please don't stop your meds all at once. I did that a couple of weeks ago and boy did I go Down Hill. And when this happened, I was so sick and so I don't know how to explain.
Hugs,
jen

[jooker]

Jen, I certainly understand how you're feeling. Years of hauling rocks up a hill in a backpack can take it's toll. But you're still here so you've got good coping skills. Give yourself a pat on the back. It ain't been easy but you did it! It's OK if you need to rant and rave for a while and let off some steam. But remember to do one other thing...rest. You're tired and you need to rest. What I mean by that is give yourself the space and time you need to get your second wind.

Make an extra effort to be kind to yourself. Pull out some favorite music you haven't listened to for awhile. Write in your journal. Take walks in the rain or in the woods. Set smaller goals, relax your standard for awhile. Treat yourself as you would treat a friend. Most of all just say NO! to autoplay negative thoughts while you're in this vulnerable state. And they WILL come. They love to kick ya when you're down. You'll get through this. Be kind.

I second Jen29 here, Gingerkat. Take it from one who knows: suddenly going off your meds can make things much, much worse.

But I'm not here to judge, and I understand the urge. At least make sure that you aren't on any meds that sudden withdrawal from which will make you sick, like Effexor (does this sentence make sense? You get the gist).

And don't be too proud to go back on them AT ONCE if you get too down or 'out there.' I can't tell you how many times I've slunk back to my meds with my tail between my legs after having my *** kicked by a tidal wave of unmedicated depression.

Mike

[Briester]

Jen,

It was neither long nor boring, firstly.

I know how difficult it must be and especially with the H word being tossed around as it kind of adds to the stress and anxiety. On occasion I'll have some anger outburst myself and then I really hate myself a few seconds afterwards. I don't throw anything or the like but I tend to raise my voice to an extremely elevated level (ok, I yell) at the smallest of things when I have one of those moods.

Well, I just wanted to say I appreciate seeing your post and feel for you and the anguish you're going through.

I hope today will be a happier day for you.

Be at peace.
Chris

[Berries]

I've been getting intensely angry at times lately, too. But I see it as an improvement over the apathy of my depression. Maybe getting angry is a good sign for you?
Of course, it must not be harmful to yourself or others.
Work with your therapist on constructive ways to channel that anger and maybe with the anger you can dig your way out of your depression.

Best wishes

[complic8d]

((((((((((jen)))))))))
I understand.
I understand the anger, the hopelessness, the nightmares.
I'm working on these same things right now.
Let's hang in there together and maybe we can help each other.
(The hospital has also been mentioned to me )