I've had enough!

I said I wasn't going to post about myself anymore so I don't even know why I am.

I'm so tired of all of this. I just don't see any point at all anymore. Every single day now, more negative things keep happen, each day being worse than the day before. Just when I think it can't get any worse, it does. I'm tired of living in this continual hell. There is only so much that one person can handle and I've far gone past that limit. I don't see any hope for a better life. No matter how hard I try, the rug keeps getting pulled out from under me again and again. There's no light at the end of the tunnel. There's no love. I'm nothing but a burden and major inconvenience. I'm totally useless. I'm nothing but a loser and failure. I don't even have the energy to fight anymore and quite frankly, I don't see anything worth even fighting for anyway. I'm continually rejected and abandoned. I'm tired of all the sadness, heartache, rejection, abandonment and tears, so many tears. I'm either numb and catatonic or crying uncontrollably. I don't know which one is worse. It's getting to the point where I'm so overwhelmend much of the time, that I'm continually zoning out and am oblivious to what is even happening. I just can't cope. Meds don't work, therapy's not working. I just have so many mental disorders, too many. How can anyone with as many as mine ever become functional. They've robbed me of the life I was knew, the life that will never be mine again. I'm just so sick and tired of it all. I have nothing left with which to fight anymore. I'm defeated, broken, so totally btoken. There is nothing left of me, I'm 'vacant', vacantangel. I'm already gone.

((((Angel)))) only if you want them

I am sorry you are feeling this way Angel.I hope things get better for you soon. Take care of yourself please.

max

Angel....seems like you may need to call your T or perhaps even be screen for crisis? I am not trying to %#@&#! you off by saying this...just very concerned about you and I know when I have gotten that low I needed immediate help.
Is there anything you can do for YOU to try and ease this pain and regain some hope?
Always here for you!

Vacant, how can you say your rejected and abandoned, septmorn,sky and jmo are by yor side, also you know these feelings do go away after your over your cycling

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Angel}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
take care of yourself...........your not alone we are here listening.....I HOPE you feel BETTER soon....take care

Thanks Max. Quite frankly I wasn't expecting any replies. I don't even know why I even posted to begin with. There's really nothing that anyone can say or do for me anyway. But thanks for the hugs. Just wish I could feel them. I'm too broken for anything.

(((((((((((((((((( max )))))))))))))

Hi Susan. I don't have the ability to call my t outside business hours. I'm not going to do anything, I don't even have the energy for that. I wish I did, but I don't. I don't want to call a crisis line. There's no need to. There is no hope, there never will be. Every time I remotely start to feel better, I get hit again. There's just nothing left here. I'm truly vacant. Like I said, I don't even know why I bothered to post. I honestly wasn't expecting any replies. I don't know anything anymore. I'm too zoned out and too depressed to even care. Thanks for your concern though.

So as not to be misunderstood, vacant you have been in this state many times before and have been able to pull out of it, YOU have one of the bestest support lines here agnology (sp) them accept them, use them for support or is it just hugs you need today, I can't tell
Ppl are showing you that they care

Like I said, I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I'm at the extreme bottom. My mind is spinning so much, I'm just in a daze. I can't even tell what is reality anymore. I don't think this is a cycle anymore. There is no hope. I'm beyond that now. I'm vacant, numb yet at the same time crying. It doesn't even make sense to me. Nothing makes any sense to me anymore. I'm so dissillusioned. So very, very broken. I'm a total loser, a failure and a major screw-up. I should never have been born. I'm a mistake. Damn tears, don't they ever stop. I want them to stop but I don't know how. I just totally give up. I just want to die.

Hi Hope. There's nothing left to take care of but thanks anyway.

((((((((((((( hope ))))))))))))))

I don't know myself what I need or want. I've never been this low. I've been dangerously low before but still had the energy to act on my urges. This time I'm much much lower. No energy, no urges. Want to be dead but can't do anything about it. I'm far too low. I've never been like this before. I really don't think there is any way to reach me here. I'm far far too low. It doesn't get any lower than this. I don't know what I want or need. Wait, I do, I need love, but even that is beyond my reach now. I'm way too broken for anything anymore. Damn, how do I make these tears stop. I'm so tired of crying. How can anybody hurt so much.

HI Angel.

I am sorry your feeling like this. I truely am. What you need to do is work on your self worth.

Your constantly blaming yourself for others actions towards you. You have no control how others think or feel about you. I think you let that have a big impact on your feelings. Understand that you are a wonderful, giving, loving, bright human being being that deserves happiness and love just like the rest of us. Dont let negativity bring you so far down because you will never see the light if you continue to do that. You do have a wonderful support system. I am there for you when ever you need. You know that.

I am so glad you posted about yourself and your feelings because it is always good t get those feelings out.

I want you to start working on you. Once a day do something for you. Write something positive about yourself. Something you have accomplished. Everyday say good things about yourself. This is not a request AG. This is an order. Everyday set goals. Tiny goals and one by one complete them. You will feel accomplished when you do this. You do not give yourself the credit you deserve. Lashing out at yourself is not the answer. I need your help in helping you. Please help me help you.

((((((((((((((((AG)))))))))))))))))))

How can I not blame myself. They say bad things about me. Things that I've supposedly done. So if I've done them, then they're personal, they're mine to own, so the blame is mine. I have to internalize that. I screwed up so it's ME. It's always me. I can't ignore that. They can't all be wrong. I'm the one that's wrong. I have to take responsibility for the things I do.

I don't accomplish anything. I'm a total loser and failure in life. There are no positives, way too many negatives. It's insurmountable. There's no hope. I'm broken.

I know you're there for me and I thank you for that but you have your own life and your own problems that you should and need to be working on. I'm not worth anybody's time. I'm a loser, a total waste of space. I shouldn't even be here. I'm a mistake.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

I want to scream. I am so frustrated with you. I think your trying to push me away because that would be easier for you. I DONT KNOW how to help you. I am so frustrated I cant even think straight. You want to be alone and I dont understand that. Why wont you let me help you. WHY????????????????????????

I have tried my best to be there for you in everyway I know how. I dont know how anymore. I truely dont. Im at a loss. I just dont know what to say or do anymore. I am powerless.

I luv ya AG. Your a wonderful person. But if I cant make you see that then what is the point anymore. I just dont know.
Again, I will say. HELP ME HELP YOU.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((AG)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Angel}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your illnesses have your perception all skewed! You've had some wonderful advise and caring shown to you, but you're rejecting it again.

Hope you don't get mad at me, but you know? Angie is right. I agree with her. Give yourself a break! Get off the computer and go back to bed. When one is as bad as you are, two things you need to do; either sleep it off or call the crisis line, the crisis line being your best option whether you believe it or not, want to or not.

Don't argue with me. JUST DO IT!

AngelGirl....when I come to the point that I want to die I either call a friend, call my T or go to a crisis center.
If you have been in this lowly place before and have pulled your self out of it then why do you think this time that cannot be done?
You keep saying you didn't think anyone would even reply to your post...I think that is b u l l s h i t. You know people here care deeply for you. But they are at the pc and you are at yours and so the sense of support although genuine can only go so far. You need to reach out to someone who is tangible...because although we can send hugs and be supportive we can not be sure you are safe. And we cannot feel guilty if you are not.
I don't mean to be harsh. I am sure I sound it. Maybe because I am concerned and a little pissed.
I don't want to get up every morning and face the same thoughts in my head, hear the same voices, and fear the same things day in and day out. But, all I can do is wake up and hope for the best and if issues and struggles come my way I know I need to do my best to work through them. Although I use this forum site to vent and get some feelings out...by no means is this site there to provide the care and concern I need in order to keep myself from killing myself. Are you following?
If you knew how bad I want to die every day you would get to a point where perhaps you would offer me the rope...sometimes I wish someone would. But, I have to hope that tomorrow will be better then today..no matter what.
So, please do yourself a world of good and call crisis if you cannot call your therapist on the weekends. Although, they should have someone on call if your specific therapist is not available.
Do something to make the changes....Please! Because we do care...

I'm sorry I'm frustrating you. I seem to do that with everybody. I DON'T want to be alone, I'm not trying to push you away at all.

I don't know how to help you help me. I'm sorry!

((((((((((((((((( jen ))))))))))))))

I went back to bed. I don't need a crisis center.

((((((((((((( Tomi )))))))))))))))