[justfloating]

I want so many things for myself. The fact that I actually want ANYTHING, that I'm not completely indifferent to life, is proof that the depression has lessened. Even when it sets in I can feel myself struggling against it harder than I ever did before. It's like the inside of my head is a battlefield, and my true self occasionally gets overwhelmed by something dark, scary and incredibly strong. It wipes me of my energy, but not my desire, and I find myself clinging to that desire in the dark days because it's the only thing I have to hold onto to keep from slipping completely over the edge. That desire is the only thing that FORCES me out of bed some mornings, that FORCES me to class even when I don't want to go, that FORCES me to eat and sleep and bathe and check my emails and write my essays and read my textbooks. I feel like a drone sometimes but I'm doing it, I'm putting one foot in front of the other, and even if I'm taking two steps forward, one step back, I still have the sense that I'm actually getting somewhere.

What's awful is I think I'm going to sabotage things for myself. I know exactly what needs to be done and then I don't do it. I don't work hard enough in school. I do okay but not nearly as well as I could. I don't spend enough time on my writing and I'm terrified of letting any one see it, even though I want nothing more than to be a writer. I wrap myself in a protective barrier and won't let anyone in. I don't want to do these things. Even as I withdraw from my life, some part of my is screaming not to do it, but it's like I don't have that kind of control. All I know is that it's safer not to do anything, that the extra effort is only going to get me hurt. My life is full of regrets, and I'm sure there are more to come. I'm sabotaging myself and I don't know how to stop. Determination isn't enough. Rewarding myself isn't enough. I just don't have the willpower to overcome whatever terrible part of me isn't allowing me to live at full capacity. I'm just on autopilot and for some reason I don't understand, I can't force myself to take the controls. I'm headed somewhere good but I have the horrible feeling that I'm going to let it all slip right through my fingers.

I don't want to be this person. I know the person I want to be and this pathetic, terrified little girl isn't it. I want to laugh, I want to have fun, I want to do things I can be proud of and make my mark on the world. I want so badly to straighten out my life but I don't even know where to start. There are so many things I could be doing -- SHOULD be doing -- and I just ... don't. I don't even really know why. I've been told I just have to FORCE myself but at this point it feels a lot like pushing against an elephant to get it to take a step. Maybe I'm just doomed to destroy myself with indifference.

[lonegael]

((((Justfloating))))) When you write these things I hear a bright, brave young woman who is amazingly critical of herself. A lot of gifted people develop the attitude that if things aren't perfect, then there's no point doing them in the first place. Anxiety over making mistakes or making the wrong decision is often disguised in procrastination and "Lazyness".
These wouldn't be things you knowingly do. It would be the vague fear that others would be extremely critical of your work (as you might be) or that others would see all your faults and reject you (as some part of yourself might).
If you do saboutage yourself, Justfloating, do you think you would be able to forgive yourself and continue?
Huggs. I really am glad to hear that some ambition and caring is comiing back into your life, but go easy on yourself. You're not the enemy, hon!

Negative chatter is so destructive. You know, all that stuff inside your head that convinces your subconscious that "you're not good enough" or that "you don't deserve it" or that "you don't have the time" or that "dreams don't come true" and so on. All of the "would'ves," "could'ves," "should'ves," "nevers" and "always" can bring you down for days and make you doubt yourself.

An indifferent person would not care so much. By your own account, you are making progress. Lighten up a bit and reward yourself for what you have been able to accomplish. Most importantly, challenge every negative. For example, I bet you can recall many times how hard you have worked at school; and, on your writing too.

We are fallible beings. We make mistakes. We procrastinate. We get off course at times. We are human. Even so, you have struggled mightily against depression, and you are winning!

Good luck!

[Ratanddragon]

I can relate to what you are saying and Lone Gael is right. The only thing I have to contribute is this....if you wait to deal with it until say, your 40's, it'll be twice as hard to overcome. That's a lot of time for the depression and self-doubt to work on you and create a groove in your mind and heart. The energy to change is a bit less too! Be good to yourself.

[Rohag]

Reading your post - and remembering your many others, I form a vision of you as a "creative person" painfully writhing in an inherently "a-creative" even "anti-creative" environment. That is, your creative personality is the square peg forced by convention into round hole of formal academic studies.

Real questions (not rhetorical): How many great writers did well as students? Can any consistently positive correlation be drawn between academic achievement and creative endeavors? (Edgar Allen Poe, Nathaniel Hawthorne, and Bill Gates immediately leap to mind - but they would lead away from this conversation....)

Anyway, the point I think I'm trying to make is your discomfort in your current environment may have more to do with the natural mismatch of the creative personality to formalized social/academic structures than with any "defect" in your personality.

Something to consider, maybe...?

[Christina86]

(((((justfloating))))))))

I saw your thread title and I thought to myself, "Hey, I do that too! I should definitely read this post".

And so I read your post, and honestly I'm floored. Mostly because I completely understand and you've put into words stuff I've been dealing with myself and I'm so glad that I'm not alone.

But back to you... (I ramble, sorry!)

Sometimes being a drone/zombie/just surviving is all we can do. At least we're still struggling to swim, even when we feel like we're drowning. Sometimes that's all you can do - just survive moment to moment. But of course, you want more than that! (Who wouldn't!)

The driving force to actually make it through shows that you're a strong woman who won't just lay down and let the depression take over you. I have to force myself to do a lot lately, and I'm not nearly as depressed as I've been in the past. Some days are just so ... tiring. (This is the point where I tell you that if you haven't been tested for anemia or had a blood workup done recently to do it because I'm borderline anemic and it does cause issues, especially if you're depressed as well!)

I'm in therapy currently. If you're not seeing a therapist I highly recommend it because there are things you can do to overcome some of what you're experiencing. It just takes a lot of time and some willpower on your part (which is hard to muster up sometimes). My "homework" from therapy is to write about what "fear" is doing in my life. That's one of the reasons I sabotage myself, because I'm afraid. My primary motivation for doing things seems to be based in fear - I'm afraid to succeed because that means change, and I'm afraid of change because that's the unknown and I'm afraid of the unknown because I'm afraid of losing control, and I'm afraid of losing control because I'm afraid I really don't have any control over anything in my own life so I struggle a lot with myself.

Could that be something you identify with? Or parts of it? I also have dealt with a lot of critical people in my family and life, that pushed me so hard that I eventually just gave up. It's easier having everyone expecting me to fail and not pushing me to succeed, than everyone expecting me to succeed and if I wind up failing -- well, that would royally suck! I sabotage myself because I want control over my surroundings and myself and other people trying to control me makes me rebel and do the exact opposite of whatever they want me to be doing. Which means I'm frequently sabotaging myself and not really moving forward. Or it's the two steps forward, one step back. Which is good at least because you're moving forward, just reallllllllly slowly.

I don't want to be this person. I know the person I want to be and this pathetic, terrified little girl isn't it. I want to laugh, I want to have fun, I want to do things I can be proud of and make my mark on the world. I want so badly to straighten out my life but I don't even know where to start. There are so many things I could be doing -- SHOULD be doing -- and I just ... don't. I don't even really know why. I've been told I just have to FORCE myself but at this point it feels a lot like pushing against an elephant to get it to take a step. Maybe I'm just doomed to destroy myself with indifference.

You don't have to be this person. You can be whomever you want to be, but first it's easier to figure out what you WANT to be by finding out what you DONT want to be. Make a list of these characteristics. There are also a bunch of self esteem workbooks and books that you could work through, because I'm betting that you're probably similar to me and don't have the greatest self esteem. It helps to not sabotage yourself if you like yourself for who you are first.

One thing I'm also going to share (and like I said - sorry because I do ramble!) is something my therapist taught me. Do NOT "should" or "could" yourself to death. "Shoulding yourself" is not something that is very productive because we wind up devaluing what we've actually accomplished, in favour of what we should have/could have done.

Instead of "I should be doing this" say "I really think this is important to do right now over whatever else I'm currently doing". That's cognitive reframing of sorts, which has to do with cognitive distortions.

Therapy can help. Like I said, if you're not in therapy - find a counsellor/therapist you like, or talk to a religious official if you're religious, or talk to anyone who is willing to help you out and is trained to do so. Trying to change who you currently are is hard work and is a lot harder to do by yourself because you can get stuck in a rut and can't pull yourself out without someone else around!

I know I've written a lot but I really identified with your post since I'm also a woman who's in school and it's freaking hard sometimes... and I just wanted to say that I understand and you're not alone.

And you are NOT NOT NOT "doomed to destroy yourself with indifference". You've identified part of the problem, now it's just more work to work toward a solution.

[Berries]

Originally Posted by justfloating

I don't want to be this person. I know the person I want to be and this pathetic, terrified little girl isn't it. I want to laugh, I want to have fun, I want to do things I can be proud of and make my mark on the world. I want so badly to straighten out my life but I don't even know where to start. There are so many things I could be doing -- SHOULD be doing -- and I just ... don't. I don't even really know why. I've been told I just have to FORCE myself but at this point it feels a lot like pushing against an elephant to get it to take a step. Maybe I'm just doomed to destroy myself with indifference.

I can relate. I don't want to be the person I am. I want to be so much more, but try as I might I can't get there. You put it well--it's like pushing against an elephant.