[justfloating]

I just FAIL. I don't know what's wrong with me. Well actually, I do know what's wrong with me, and I know what I need to do to fix it, but I don't DO anything about it. I can't even throw a pity party because I don't deserve one. Everything that's wrong with my life, I've brought on myself. I have very few friends at school but it's because I do not make an effort to go out and socialize. I am so far behind in my work but I do not make the effort to get my readings done in time. I put things off for ages and I have no one to blame but myself. I can't get myself to just ... DO it. I need to bite the bullet and start getting my act together but instead I just SIT here, mostly doing nothing and wasting my time and letting my life fall apart. I just can't get myself to GO -- I care, but not enough to wake up an extra hour early to read before my lecture, or to go to society meetings or to start my homework with enough time to actually do it WELL. I hate myself. I shouldn't even complain because this is entirely my fault and I'm not doing anything to correct it. I'm just pathetic and if the world found out how badly I allow my life to unravel -- and I ALLOW this, it's not something that's just happening -- everyone would hate me and know how pathetic I am.

[Rohag]

I just FAIL.
...I do know what's wrong with me, and I know what I need to do to fix it, but I don't DO anything about it.
Everything that's wrong with my life, I've brought on myself.
I put things off for ages and I have no one to blame but myself.
I can't get myself to just ... DO it.
I just can't get myself to GO...
I hate myself.
I shouldn't even complain because this is entirely my fault and I'm not doing anything to correct it.

Are we related?

I'm just pathetic and if the world found out how badly I allow my life to unravel -- and I ALLOW this, it's not something that's just happening -- everyone would hate me and know how pathetic I am.

Well, not everyone.

((justfloating)))) take a deep breath then another one...
Know you are not a failure...
take it one step at a time..make today a new day...take one thing off the list of things you need to do. Maybe a paper for school and try to get that done.
then another thing off your list. Take it slow and one breath at a time.
please know i care and that you matter...
life can be overwhelming at times....breath breath...you will make it

[bipolo]

I know how you feel. I feel like a slug all the time, just sitting there knowing there is so much I NEED to do and I just sit, sit, sit feeling like a failure. You are NOT a failure. Are you on meds for depression? Sometimes they can slow motivation too. As for your "list". Take one thing at a time. Sometimes just getting out of bed has to be enough. And Take a few breaths and try to only achieve the "little" things. And reward yourself for even the basics cause feeling the way you feel that is all you can achieve at this point. Give yourself a pat on the back for even that much. Tell yourself "I did it" for the little things.

[lindee]

You are not alone in how you feel. I can write the same thing except I am not in school. I never do anything. I am such a failure. But I'm glad you wrote cause I don't feel so alone since I know that others are having the same problems.

Last week I did get the house cleaner. I set my kitchen timer for 15 minutes and then just started picking up things around the house. It was easier that way cause I knew that it wasn't going to be a forever job. But you know what? When the timer went off I just kept cleaning. Knowing that I was making a difference. The hardest part was just getting started.

Of course that hasn't worked this week. I can't get myself to start that timer. But I know that eventually I will.

I am going through a bad time but at least I can look back on that cleaning day and tell myself that I am not a complete failure.

Try getting yourself a kitchen timer.? It might help you to get started.

Thanks for making me realize that I am not all alone in my despair.

Take Care.

[Naturefreak]

JustfloatingWhen I first visited the forums this morning I saw your post. FAILURE AT LIFE.
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......
That is depression telling you this......

GET THE POINT.

I know how it feels ...... it seems like you're doing good then it returns . YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE .
I've been telling myself the same thing for years .
This morning I'm a failure , this afternoon I'm not a bad person , this evening I can't do this anymore , at bedtime tomorrow is another day .... I hope it's a good one.
It usually isn't as bad as depression says it is .
Go for a walk , read a book , anything to stop your mind from the constant horror of the negative thoughts.
I am not a good role model when it comes to depression.
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........
I've been down that road before.........

I DON'T WANT TO GO THERE ANYMORE!!!

I know you are , we know you are , just another good , caring , intelligent , compassionate , intelligent , fun , loving , special person . These words are the truth .
It's the negative words like failure that make us feel worse than we need to be. It's hard enough living with this illness , we don't need to feed it with lies .
Take care of yourself and try your best to get through the day. Go buy yourself a treat. Something you haven't had in a while. You really do deserve it.

[lonegael]

Yes. Totally agree. And if you keep insulting Justfloating, who, I'll have you know is smart, brave, concientious and in general terrific, I will have to steal a rowboat and row over there and track you down! Then.... I don't know. Chase you around the block or something, tell you bad jokes, show you pictures of my kids at each stage of life, all those fates worse than death.
Yes indeed, depression is talking to you, and if I could put my hand down your throat and yank him out, I would, even if II had to row to get there!! I don't know how you all have been having it, but the weather stinks here in Sweden, and I think if we all could get some sun, it would help alot. I was saying the exact same things about myself for losing my wallet (again), basically because breathing takes all my consentration nowadays. So II know, that sort of stuff is so easily triggered, and not horribly creative, I hate to say. You'd think Mr. depression would have a bit more fantasy from all the artists and authors he's inhabited... Be really nice to yourself, Justfloating. It's a nasty enough world that even the sweet things you do for you are a needed improvement all around. Much love

[googley]

((((((((Justfloating)))))))

I know that you have been here before, and you have made it out the other side. It often seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but there is. Can you talk to your professors about re-scheduling some of your work so that it is not all at the same time? Make new schedules for when things will be due taking into account what you have already been able to do? You were able to make it through last year, and I remember you having problems then. I know that you can make it through this year also. Take care of yourself. We care about you.

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( justfloating ))))))))))))))))

[justfloating]

(((((((((everyone)))))))))


Thank you for all your support. It means a lot.

I am having such a down day. I keep a mood diary and I rate my moods in the morning and at night on a scale from 1-5, with 5 being wonderful and 1 being so low I can't get out of bed. When I woke up this morning I was at a 2 but as the day has worn on I've slipped down to a 1. I went for lunch with a friend and I couldn't concentrate on what we were talking about. I enjoyed being in her company as always, but I was just so exhausted that it took everything I had to smile and be conversational and catch her up on my life since we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks. Now I'm home I'm curled up in bed, and I just want to stay this way forever. I feel like my heart is being torn out of my chest.

My counsellor thinks that this is probably a sign that my meds need changing/adjusting. It's happened before where I suddenly dip, where my mood is all over the map. Some days I'm great, and other days, like today, I'm barely functional. I think she's right, I think this needs looking into right away. I hate being this way. I hate hating myself, and right now, I do. I can't push the negative thoughts away. I'm being bombarded by them, and I've tried everything that normally makes me feel good -- I've gone for a walk, I've been listening to music, I tried writing and watching tv and talking to a friend but every second feels like an hour and I feel like there's this huge weight on my chest. I want it to stop. I want to feel good again. I hate these days where my life comes to a standstill and I can't do anything. I can't work, I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't have fun. All I can do is stare at the wall and ride it out and I HATE it. I hate it and I hate myself for being this way.

I'm afraid my friends and family are going to be frustrated with me. I know they love and support me and I know they're there for me no matter what, but I don't want to burden them with a low mood I know is going to pass. I can see how it bewilders them whenever my moods dip suddenly. I can hear it in their voices when we talk that they're testing the waters, to see how I'm feeling today, to see how I'm going to react and whether they should tread carefully. I know they love me and don't blame me but I blame myself for the stress I cause. I blame myself for not trying hard enough. I blame myself for dragging them into my twisted, hopeless, confusing world in the first place. I just want a shoulder to lean on right now but I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to feel like even more of a failure when I tell them that I'm low again. Rationally, I know they'd never tell me that or even think it, but it's how I feel, just so, so guilty, and I hate the depression for making me feel this way and I hate that I can just wake up some mornings and find that I'm no longer able to fight it off. I really hope that this is a med problem, because things in my life aren't so bad, not as bad as last year, not as bad as the summer, not really that bad at all. I'm so blessed and I try to count those blessings, but the depression is screaming at me the whole time that I'm worthless and useless and a troublemaker and not worthy of the oxygen I breathe.

[A_Long_ways]

You're not useless, you made a lot of sense in the reply to my thread and you helped my perspective on things a bunch I deal with depression also and know the exact feelings you're talking about. My only advice is don't be alone. The more I've spoke with family, especially my brother, the more it's helped me push through this. Don't be too concerned with your family being frustrated with you, frustration is a sign of love because they know you can do better, and you know you can do better as well.

One major thing that has helped me with my own depression is proving it wrong in the past, I'm struggling again with it now but trying to prove it wrong yet again. I've had those same thoughts, "I'm worthless; I can't do this; I shouldn't even try". I had to actually get to the point where I would be proving those thoughts wrong and almost laughing at them to myself. "How can I be worthless if I'm being successful; Hah, I thought I couldn't do THIS?". We build up these huge walls and negative thoughts about ourselves and that's exactly it, ourselves.

Wishing you lots of luck and if you ever need a shoulder to lean on, feel free to PM me

[Berries]

((((((((((JustFloating))))))))))


Wishing you some peace soon.

Confucius reminds us, “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” Life will always be a work in process. No matter how frustrating your life may be right now, beating yourself up with negative chatter will not help.

What will help? Have you talked to a psychiatrist about your medications? What has helped you cope in the past? What do you need to work on to have a better life?

Asking myself these questions on a regular basis has helped me:

1. What am I thankful for today?
2. What did I learn today?
3. Where did I do a good job?
4. Who was I valuable to today?
5. How did I take care of myself today?

Good luck!

[Beholden]

It is the depression talking.....

Push yourself to do just one little thing that needs to be done. Do one little thing that you enjoy and feel the satisfaction of getting it done. I know it's hard, but I know you can do just one little thing. And then feel grateful about the action.

My pdoc told me that I needed to push myself just a little harder than other people need to push themselves. I thought that harsh at the time. But for me it worked. I spend way too much time on PC everyday, but sometimes I think I help someone just a little and it makes it worth while for all of us.

Keep on keeping on, you will get there. Life is a journey kido! there will be many paths. Some are just not so much fun as others.

We will all be your friend here.

what are you studing at school?

[idontknow13]

((((((Justfloating))))))
I am sorry you are having a hard time.I hope you have better days ahead of you. Thinking of you

[lonegael]

((((Justfloating))) the state here has decided that mass murderers have a right to cooking classes, an automatic 1/3 reduction of their sentences, and the right to wear streetclothes, not to mention the space they take up and the air they breathe. If they are worth that, Justfloating, aren't you?
You don't have to make great achievements to be worth love, air and the food that goes into you. Every child is born with that, and you have to do a heck of a lot more than that to lose that worth. No, being sick does not negate that God given worth. You are NOT guilty for other people's faults, you are not responsible for a system that flipps into low gear when you least need it to, and you can not be expected to be any one other than who you are (which is pretty darned good, actually).
Dear I know others have said it all before, but I know how little it takes for all those words to lose all meaning, and so I will say them over and over again in the hope that something will stick (with my luck, it's be someone else's gum) I am so glad your docotr seems to be looking out for you. hang on and Be excellent to yourself. Hugs, JF.

[Naturefreak]

Originally Posted by justfloating

Some days I'm great, and other days, like today, I'm barely functional.

Some days I'm great .....There will be other days too justfloating . Hope you're doing better tonight.
Sleep tight.

[lynn09]

Sorry you're feeling so low (((((justfloating))))). But, you are not a failure - far from it. You have been battling this for how long? Your depression is not of your choosing, nor are the ways it affects your ability to function. Depression is the enemy, not you. Depression steals parts of your life from you, then tricks you into blaming yourself for it - it tricks you into abusing yourself. Sometimes, you just have to ride out the rough times and learn to forgive yourself for your limitations during that period of time. You are no more responsible for those limitations than a person with a broken leg is responsible for the limitations the injury places on them. This is an illness and you need to view it and treat it as such. During the rough spots, you need to be that much more patient, kind, compassionate, and loving towards yourself to lessen depression's grip. This has nothing to do with counting your blessings or performing to standards you and/or others have set for you. Just like a virus has to run its course, so do the deeper bouts of depression. Remember, any changes in your body chemistry due to stress, less sleep, changes in diet, etc., affect how your body processes your meds - so, during periods of greater stress on your body and chemistry, you may need adjustments to your medications to make certain they are effective. This is not a time to beat up on yourself, but rather a time to seek assistance in taking back what depression is stealing from you. Please let us know how you are getting on, and know that we are always here for you through posting, PMs, e-mails, whatever. Reach out and we will grab hold.

[Berries]

(((((((((((Justfloating)))))))))))

How are you doing today?

[leacon]

Rebecca, I think I remember a few months ago you wanted to be reminded that you can get through this. You have done it before.

[justfloating]

(((((((everyone))))))))

You guys are great. I don't know how I'd get through this without all of you!

I am feeling somewhat better. I think today was very much a recovery day for me. I slept for 14 hours last night, and I sort of just stayed in my pyjamas and watched tv and napped and didn't have to go out and do the usual routine of smiling and pretending I'm okay. I hate having to wait it out but I think it passes faster if I just let it run its course.

I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to get out and about a little bit. I have to, because I have no groceries and I've left my laundry to pile up and I have a ton of homework I've been ignoring. I hate how the depression just attacks me, and then I'm out of commission and I have to put my life on hold. I know it's the illness telling me all these terrible things about myself but what I don't get is why some days I can ignore those negative voices, and other days they're all I hear. I just want to get on with my life. I just want to be able to stand up to the depression. My life is a mess. Some of it is my fault, and some of it is because of the depression, but I just have this feeling like if I don't get things in order soon, I'm in for a REALLY rough time. I just can't go back to being depressed all the time. I can barely handle it when it hits me for a day or two.

I know exactly what I need to do. I know exactly what would make me happier. I know exactly the kind of person I WANT to be. I know exactly what I could do to stop hating myself so much. But all those things are terrifying and every time I try to take the plunge, I just freeze. And when I give in to my fear -- AGAIN -- those voices get even louder, telling me what a failure I am, telling me I'll never get what I want and I'll never be the person I want and I'm just going to hate my life forever because I don't have the guts to DO anything about the things that I don't like. Part of it comes down to accepting myself as I am, but there is a point where I know I have to step back and make a change. I have to bite the bullet and just DO it.

I just wish it weren't easier said than done. I have no idea how to turn off my fear. I have no idea how to make it less ... debilitating. I don't know how to get past my shyness. I don't know how to kick my *** into gear. I don't know how to stop pitying myself and actually DO something about my problems. I've gotten the meds, I've gotten the counselling, and I have worked through some of my issues, but only the external ones. The problems with my family. The problems with my relationship. The issues I can't seem to reach are the most fundamental, internal ones. The ones I can't even begin to talk about in counselling, the secrets I'm so ashamed of but that are eating me alive. Every time I try to bring it up to my counsellor, my throat just closes. I can't even bring myself to write half this stuff down. It's not even a huge deal, compared to a lot of people's problems. I know my issues are fairly common and I know my counsellor would be able to help me with them but I just ... can't. I can't talk to her, to my friends, to my family ... I've never even been able to get it all out here on PC. It's like these issues are buried so deep, and if I bring them to the surface I'm going to start crying and I'll never stop. It'll be a confirmation of those fears just to talk about them. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't keep living this half-life of mine. I WANT to live my life to the fullest. I want to have all the experiences other people my age have. I want to do great things with what I have. Depression or no depression, I can't admit the worst of my problems and i HATE myself for it. I hate my cowardice. I hate being ashamed all the time. I just want to be happy but I'm afraid I'm never going to be happy because I'm never going to be able to sort out the most fundamental problems in my life. The best I can do is bury them deep enough so that I can function.

[lynn09]

So glad you were able to just take a day off and "cocoon" (((((justfloating))))) - that's what works best for me, too, sometimes. I can really, really relate to what you are saying about the debilitating FEAR and not being able to talk or write about some of your deeper issues - I wasn't able to either for many, many years. Even now, there are some things that my abusive family members did that I just cannot speak or write about - I did finally tell one therapist about some of it, but I felt no relief in the telling of it. As for writing about it, I couldn't stand to even touch the paper on which the awful words were written - just too much. However, gaining strength in other areas, I really no longer have a need to speak or write about certain aspects of my family's abusive behavior towards me or about some of their personal abberant behaviors that absolutely disgust me even to know someone who would do such things. Ick!

I couldn't turn off my FEAR either, and it was crippling me - preventing me from living a real life. Long before I had a T, I developed little exercises for myself. I have always been very self-conscious in public as a result of all of the years of being told how worthless, ugly, useless, etc., I was (and apparently still am to them). I would go places by myself - like to a restaurant for lunch or dinner. At first, I could barely sit there and drink water or coffee - couldn't eat - afraid I would choke and others would notice me and wonder what right I had to be there. I kept doing this over and over again for years. Gradually, I got to where I could actually eat an entire meal without freaking out. I forced myself to be in plays and musicals, sing duets and solos, speak in public (AGONIZING!). From the moment I went on stage until I came off, I would remember absolutely nothing - nothing, but others would tell me that I performed perfectly (sheesh!). I went other places alone, too - museums, plays, concerts, etc., and I forced myself to live alone. I taught myself to feel the FEAR, but do it anyway. Don't get me wrong - it didn't happen overnight and sometimes I just couldn't do it - but everytime I did do it, it got easier and easier. I guess I've been at this for 40-45 years now - and sometimes I still have to work at it - still a little self-concious, and sometimes I just don't feel up to it, but the fear is no longer dictating my life.

Please don't get down on yourself because you can't just kick your ***** into gear - it just doesn't happen like that - at least, it didn't for me. IT IS HARD AND IT TAKES TIME - but, it can be done and it is so worth it. The "self-pity" that you regard as so distasteful is necessary - those who hurt you never showed you any pity - and it is right and appropriate for that injured part of you to be acknowledged and pity. It doesn't last forever - you can and will eventually no longer need it and will be able to move beyond it. You must not punish yourself for your feelings - you feel what you feel for a reason - acknowledge those feelings and recognize that you have every right in the world to feel them - in doing so, you help yourself to heal and move beyond them.

You have nothing to be ashamed about because you have no reason to judge yourself - that's one of those feelings that has been projected onto you by others to convince you that you deserve to be abused - and if others are not around to do it, then they want you to do it to yourself for them. Be patient with yourself - you will be able to express those deep internal "secrets" in time - the fact that you want so much to express them means that your psyche is working on preparing you to be able to express them - but you must feel safe with a T or someone and safe with yourself before you do. You really must learn to be kinder and gentler with and not put unrealistic expectations on yourself. You're only human, you know - you're not a superhero - just a young, vulnerable, human being struggling to live despite the damage inflicted upon you by others. Give yourself a break, (((justfloating))). You have a lot of people here in your corner to comfort and support you - and hopefully help you see your true worth.