[ForWorseOrForWorse]

I can deal with you sleeping all holiday weekend. I can deal with you blowing off your family because they are "all out to get you". I can deal with you shirking all of your responsibilities around the house.

But for God's sake, don't nitpick and complain about the job I do on the tasks that you have let slip. What the heII???

Appears the worse is ahead. So sorry.

[Elysium]

Wow!!!

Sounds like you both need support... It doesn't sound like you're "dealing" with your husbands illness at all. It sounds like you are stuffing your emotions down and holding them in until they explode. This is not healthy for a relationship and it doesn't get better without work, communication, patience, compassion and understanding from both people involved.

I would suggest that your husband seek treatment for his depression, and that you also seek some guidance from a professional to help you learn to cope in a more healthy way. Depression hurts the whole family. Not just the person afflicted with the disorder.

Welcome to PC.

Please watch this video....http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...14#post1246314

[Fuzzybear]

I agree with Elysium ... Welcome to PC

[lonegael]

Oy. That was about time you got on here. I agree with all the above, but I think it's about time that you both got to a couples therapist. It is NOT EASY dealing with this illness, and while I think being understanding is good, if your hubby starts getting nasty with you, it is time to tell him that that is not acceptable. Not as "fighting" words, but simply that if he feels he needs to critisize or snipe, he needs to take that need elsewhere.
A lot of men that i know who get depressed can get hypercriticall and controlling. ithink it is an attempt to not feel helpless, and some women do this too. (I am assuming that you are a woman writing about a husband, am aware that you could be the husband) Simply blowing up on him/her will not help, but somehow, you guys need to sit down with someone and work this out. Huggs, you are going through so much.

[Elysium]

I'm not sure, but I may have gotten gender switched here. Are you the wife or the husband?

It doesn't matter in regards to the depression, or what type of role you may want to play in your spouses recovery. But I looked over your other posts and it sounds like you are the Husband...so sorry for the mix up there. Just flip it around.

[ForWorseOrForWorse]

Originally Posted by Elysium

I'm not sure, but I may have gotten gender switched here. Are you the wife or the husband?

It doesn't matter in regards to the depression, or what type of role you may want to play in your spouses recovery. But I looked over your other posts and it sounds like you are the Husband...so sorry for the mix up there. Just flip it around.

No offense taken. She is seeking help. Way too early to tell if it will help. I don't get on here enough. I show up when things are bad. I am pretty much isolated from everyone I could talk to (read: "We" never want to do anything, so we have no friends.)

I am sad to say when it happened I snapped. She had just needled me about something else, was interrupting me while I was doing another chore, and I couldn't keep my thoughts to myself. We aren't speaking.

The depression is destroying our marriage. It is hanging by one cute little thread. When she is in an episode she can't see what it's doing. Why doesn't she apologize during an level period though?

[sanityseeker]

Speaking as a women who suffers depression that cost me my relationship..... responding to your last question 'Why no apology'.... Often shame plays a part in it and often being so self absorbed when in the worst of it that there is no recollection of how badly one behaves. When there is a level period one does not want to get caught up thinking back and risking the shame and regret that could trigger a cycle back into the depression.

My partner grew very weary of my mood swings and eventually we split before it cost us our friendship too. I wish looking back that we were able to get help together and maybe we could have prevented the breakup. Maybe we could have learned some communication skills and developed some coping strategies that would have helped us tackle the problem together. Instead the illness pushed us apart as each of us positioned ourselves in opposite corners. Hurt, angry, frustrated and feeling the victim. Fighting each other instead of the illness until we could not hold on to the unraveling threads of our relationship.

If you and your wife, like us, are not comfortable with seeking outside help together or even if you are.... it may be useful for you to seek your own help. Coming here is a good first step because at least here you can release some stuff and be heard but perhaps there are other resources you can add that can help you cope. I know my ex confided in friends and that was a big support to him but it had its limits since they had no experience with coping with someone like me. I used to give him articles and books to read to help him understand the illness but I know he didn't read many of them. I knew of a support group of people living with people with mental illness but he was not up for that either.

I take my full share of responsibility for our break up. I didn't, still don't comply with treatments that can perhaps ease my suffering like I could or should. I often allow my illness to control my life without trying to fight it. I often feel defeated and helpless and be damned anyone who tries to help me. I would often rather fade into nothingness than rise and fall one more time. It is just easier sometimes to give up the fight with the depression and internalize or transfer all that pain and rage onto someone else or back onto myself. The after effects of shame and regret then just feed the illness and round and round it goes.

I hope you can hang in until she levels off again and perhaps then you can have a discussion about strategies for moving forward. It is good she is seeking help. Find out how you can be a part of that help for yourself, for supporting her and for strengthening your partnership.

I also hope someone who has walked or who is in your shoes comes online or into your life so that you fell less alone with this heavy load you are carrying. There is hope to hang on to. Many couples survive to tell wonderful stories of healing, recovery and a deepened love.

Bless you and may the days ahead bring healing and renewal for you and your wife. Take time to yourself to be as healthy and balanced as you possibly can. Don't allow her illness to isolate you from the world or you may find yourself caught in the illness yourself. Take good care of you so that you may be able to endure the challenges that are still ahead of you.

Thank you for sharing.

[sanityseeker]

Here is a link to some resource matters here on PC http://psychcentral.com/resources/Depression/ I am sure there is probably something in there related to living with someone suffering depression.

Wishing you well.

[Rohag]

"Depression = Life Sponge" -- well put!

Originally Posted by Sanityseeker

Fighting each other instead of the illness...

This is an important point. (Thank you, Sanityseeker. Your whole post is insightful.)

I'm the depressed one in the marriage, but I suppose the illness imposes a kind of psychological bigamy on the spouse. The "normal" partner is married to Relatively Less-Depressed and at the same time to Relatively More-Depressed.

If you woke up one morning to find yourself with two wives, a whole lot of adjustment would be necessary. And...you cannot bear the whole burden of adjusting by yourself. As the others here have noted, it may be valuable for you to regard yourself, not as depressed, but as a person with unique needs of your own in this situation.

Please keep on posting as things evolve. You are hardly alone in your predicament.

[sanityseeker]

Thank you Rohag. Seeing it quoted reinforced its truth back at me too. Cool.

I really appreciate your analogy to bigomy. That is so deed on. I think that is very much how it affected my ex. Like he was dealing with two different people. Good one.

I too hope you ForWorse keep reaching out with your posts and remember you are not alone.

[ForWorseOrForWorse]

Thanks to everyone for the insightful responses. The comments about being self absorbed ring true.

This is a dark time. Every time it gets like this I live in fear of what rash decisions might be made that could destroy my family.

I have no control over what will happen to us. That makes me fearful. The fear turns to anger when I realize how selfish a choice it is to attack the people that love you, to inflict pain on them, because if makes you feel just a little better.

Will there ever be "normal" again?

[sanityseeker]

My heart goes on to you. You are right. Depression is selfish but I can assure you it does not feel good for your wife to inflict pain on people especially the people she loves any more than it would feel good for you to be the one inflicting pain. The temporary release slaps back many-fold. Perhaps even more intensely for the one who is depressed. The self loathing that comes whenever I succumb to the rage is equally if not more intense and painful than the sadness and despair of the depression itself. It truely adds insult to injury all the way around. The rage isn't always so much a choice as a desperate release. It's a symptom of the severity of the suffering.

Experts will tell you that depression is not just your wife's illness but rather it is your family's illness too. That is to say that the effects of depression affect everyone especially those closest to the person disabled by the depression. I know it can't be easy living with your wife right now but it can get better.

There is so much to learn before one can get a handle on coping. Your wife sounds to be in a really rough place right now and you and your family unfortunately are along for the rough and painful ride. It isn't fair and the damage can be wide reaching but it can be treated and the ride can be smoother.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record you must acknowledge that you can not deal with this without the right resources. Knowledge and skills need to be acquired and practiced and teamwork is critical. Medications can help but the trial and error period can be lenghthy.

I can hear that you are near the end of your rope and that you are in a great deal of pain. I hope the help your wife has begun to receive will begin to turn things around for all of you. You may need to redefine normal too in my opinion because until the proper treatment and coping mechanisms are in place nothing will be able to normalize your lives. It will take time to find the right treatment and to develop the skills but patience is a lot easier to find when you are part of the solution and when you begin to see baby step improvements.

I am concerned about your feelings of powerlessness. I imagine that is very frightening and anger is a natural consequence of fear. While this is a family illness you are dealing with you can take a lead by empowering yourself. You can do that by arming yourself with more knowledge and you are doing that by reaching out for help. Keep reaching until you get the quality and quantity of help you need.

Keep talking to us if it helps. Keep seeking out more information. We are here to listen and support you as best we can. There is no easy fix or quick cure but there is reason for hope and there is reason to believe in better days ahead.

Take good care and try your best to keep the hope alive in you for you and your family's sake.

[lonegael]

My heart goes on to you. You are right. Depression is selfish but I can assure you it does not feel good for your wife to inflict pain on people especially the people she loves any more than it would feel good for you to be the one inflicting pain. The temporary release slaps back many-fold. Perhaps even more intensely for the one who is depressed. The self loathing that comes whenever I succumb to the rage is equally if not more intense and painful than the sadness and despair of the depression itself. It truely adds insult to injury all the way around. The rage isn't always so much a choice as a desperate release. It's a symptom of the severity of the suffering.

Experts will tell you that depression is not just your wife's illness but rather it is your family's illness too. That is to say that the effects of depression affect everyone especially those closest to the person disabled by the depression. I know it can't be easy living with your wife right now but it can get better.

There is so much to learn before one can get a handle on coping. Your wife sounds to be in a really rough place right now and you and your family unfortunately are along for the rough and painful ride. It isn't fair and the damage can be wide reaching but it can be treated and the ride can be smoother.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record you must acknowledge that you can not deal with this without the right resources. Knowledge and skills need to be acquired and practiced and teamwork is critical. Medications can help but the trial and error period can be lenghthy.

I can hear that you are near the end of your rope and that you are in a great deal of pain. I hope the help your wife has begun to receive will begin to turn things around for all of you. You may need to redefine normal too in my opinion because until the proper treatment and coping mechanisms are in place nothing will be able to normalize your lives. It will take time to find the right treatment and to develop the skills but patience is a lot easier to find when you are part of the solution and when you begin to see baby step improvements.

I am concerned about your feelings of powerlessness. I imagine that is very frightening and anger is a natural consequence of fear. While this is a family illness you are dealing with you can take a lead by empowering yourself. You can do that by arming yourself with more knowledge and you are doing that by reaching out for help. Keep reaching until you get the quality and quantity of help you need.

Keep talking to us if it helps. Keep seeking out more information. We are here to listen and support you as best we can. There is no easy fix or quick cure but there is reason for hope and there is reason to believe in better days ahead.

Take good care and try your best to keep the hope alive in you for you and your family's sake.

Good post, and I second it whole heartedly. God bless, For worse or for worse. Please don't try to go this completely alone. Huggs and good luck.

[ForWorseOrForWorse]

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

My heart goes on to you. You are right. Depression is selfish but I can assure you it does not feel good for your wife to inflict pain on people especially the people she loves any more than it would feel good for you to be the one inflicting pain. The temporary release slaps back many-fold. Perhaps even more intensely for the one who is depressed. The self loathing that comes whenever I succumb to the rage is equally if not more intense and painful than the sadness and despair of the depression itself. It truely adds insult to injury all the way around. The rage isn't always so much a choice as a desperate release. It's a symptom of the severity of the suffering.

Experts will tell you that depression is not just your wife's illness but rather it is your family's illness too. That is to say that the effects of depression affect everyone especially those closest to the person disabled by the depression. I know it can't be easy living with your wife right now but it can get better.

There is so much to learn before one can get a handle on coping. Your wife sounds to be in a really rough place right now and you and your family unfortunately are along for the rough and painful ride. It isn't fair and the damage can be wide reaching but it can be treated and the ride can be smoother.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record you must acknowledge that you can not deal with this without the right resources. Knowledge and skills need to be acquired and practiced and teamwork is critical. Medications can help but the trial and error period can be lenghthy.

I can hear that you are near the end of your rope and that you are in a great deal of pain. I hope the help your wife has begun to receive will begin to turn things around for all of you. You may need to redefine normal too in my opinion because until the proper treatment and coping mechanisms are in place nothing will be able to normalize your lives. It will take time to find the right treatment and to develop the skills but patience is a lot easier to find when you are part of the solution and when you begin to see baby step improvements.

I am concerned about your feelings of powerlessness. I imagine that is very frightening and anger is a natural consequence of fear. While this is a family illness you are dealing with you can take a lead by empowering yourself. You can do that by arming yourself with more knowledge and you are doing that by reaching out for help. Keep reaching until you get the quality and quantity of help you need.

Keep talking to us if it helps. Keep seeking out more information. We are here to listen and support you as best we can. There is no easy fix or quick cure but there is reason for hope and there is reason to believe in better days ahead.

Take good care and try your best to keep the hope alive in you for you and your family's sake.

Oddly enough, after these incidents it is usually me who is persona non grata in the house. Regardless of how the issue started, if I stand up for myself then I get shut out for days. It is as though by standing up I am betraying her in some way. She gets very upset and blames me for the whole episode.

[sanityseeker]

'Oddly enough, after these incidents it is usually me who is persona non grata in the house. Regardless of how the issue started, if I stand up for myself then I get shut out for days. It is as though by standing up I am betraying her in some way. She gets very upset and blames me for the whole episode.'

I can totally get what you are saying. My ex would totally agree with you. All I can say is that is not 'her' but her illness reacting. Nothing makes sense and the pain is so intense that all she has left or all she can do is to transfer or explode and you are the easiest target to take the hits. Shamefully I will admit that my son suffered the same bad treatment too.

I blamed my ex for everything in a desperate search to give reason for the raging and all the negativity that dominated my thinking. For my life spiraling out of control. If he would just do this or that or not do this or that then I wouldn't be so messed up. He couldn't say anything much to me without me taking it the 'wrong' way, twisting it and blowing it way out of proportion. It was a endless cycle and I couldn't see the irrationality of any of it. All I could feel was pain.

Near the end I would just isolate myself after an outburst or to prevent an outburst and he would become a 'yes' man biting his tongue just to keep the peace hoping beyond hope that he didn't set me off. Sometimes he would try to lighten a situation with laughter and that would often back fire. It would just irratate me all the more. He could not win for loosing. It was very very sad. It wore on his love for me until eventually he couldn't take any more and moved out.

It has been a few years now since he left and I have recovered enough or at least learned enough about my illness and learned enough coping skills and accepted effective treatments so that I don't act out in the same ways as I did before. I have the tools to manage the effects of the illness that I didn't have in the beginning. I may still have the same pain for short or long periods of time but I now have knowledge and skills that make it so that I don't need to transfer my pain or blame anyone else anymore. And if I do slip and suddenly lash out I am able to pull it back and see what is going on and utilize a skill to get through it without the calateral damage.

The illness may still have me but I am not helpless or a hostage to it in the same way anymore. I get it now and so those around me don't have to prepare themselves for target practice everytime I enter a room. My ex gets it now too to some degree and he now has his own arsonal of coping skills to know how better to read me and respond to my mood swings. We can actually communicate about it now which is a real blessing for me. I don't feel judged by him anymore. I feel supported and accepted and even loved if on a different level.

My ex and I have become very good friends again and when he does come to visit now its a whole different ball game. I may still isolate myself when I feel over stimulated or off balance but I'm not hidding from or rejecting anyone in the process. Its about maintaining balance within so that when I am engaged I am not defensive or aggressive in my defensiveness. Knowing, accepting and coping with the illness as a family in a healthy way. The times we spend together now are enjoyable again and the times when I have to retreat are not seen by others or used by me in a negative or hurtful way anymore. When I feel overwhelmed and the temptation to rage at him or my son wells up in me I can talk my way through it and give myself permission to make healthier chooses than before. I have learned and practiced alternatives for processing what is going on with me. I will be honest about and conscious of my feelings and state outload when I need some quiet time because I am feeling off balance. I will use that quiet time to regroup my feelings so that I can return to positive engagement.

My ex and my son are able to read me now and able to offer suggestions or take approaches with me that aid in my recovery. They too get that this illness is real and requires accommodation. They don't blame me and I don't blame them. Together we have learned to live better with the illness in our midst and for the most part we interact in healthy and loving ways again. The illness is not the centre of our world anymore because we no long live in a battle zone fueled by of ignorance of the illness and the incapacity to know what to do. We have skills, knowledge and hope.

I often still wonder if I or we had been more receptive to getting professional help earlier if now we might still be together. It is too late now to speculate on what could have been but still I wonder.

Please don't wait too long to get professional help and please try not try to make sense of a non-sensical situation. You can not beat the illness by applying rationale concepts to irrationale behaviours. I think you need to first understand the mechanisms behind the irrationale effects of the illness and separate your wife from her behaviours. (if that makes any sense)

I expect you are very tired right now. Tired of thinking about this and tired of dealing with the chaos. Feeling pretty defeated and without a clue how to keep the peace with her. How exhausting that must be for you. I pray a fork in the road is presented to you soon that you and your family may find the path to recovery and a renewed normality. It is possible.

Have you read any other threads around here? It might be insightful to read how some folks around here cope or sometimes don't cope from time to time. Just a thought.

Keep posting.

[sanityseeker]

There is a relationships and communications forum too that you may find insightful. Here is the link.... http://forums.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=7

[lonegael]

((((((for worse or forworse)))))))) Most of us who suffer from a mental illnessof some kind bear a lot of shame around in us, and guilt for our behaviour. One of the worst about these emeotions is, because we are a bit out of control and can't always right what we do wrong ourselves, we can't take normal, healthy and, yes, decent steps to rectify the situation. Add to that the tendency that depression has to magnify the self accusation, and some people willl have a paradoxical response. The guilt and shame are so overwhelming that they can not admit any of it or what has caused it. all the problems have to be someone else's fault. My mom has a very obessesive compulsive personality and when she gets depressed, it is NOOT a good scene. Everyone else is on the -it list. But that is because she was raised to think of certain actions and thoughts to be unforgiveable for a woman. And she HAS to be perfect...
Tha't probably not exactly your wife's problem, (perfection), but I have the feeling that toxic shame might well be. For a good example of the extremes it can go to, read Pelzer's "a Boy Called It".
Any chance of couple counseling, or at least help for her? In MY case I needed my husband pointing out to me how hard it was for the kids to have me like that. Huggs dear, and I really feel for you.