I don't know what keeps me here

Why I do nothing when my being screams for escape. What inner conscience holds me back? Maybe it's the waiting wondering, to see what happens in my doctor's appointment tomorrow. But I know there's no hope. Why continue in cycles? If they somehow talk me back to hope this time, how long? Maybe a different medicine will give me a high, but it won't be long before I see the truth again. There is no solution. No matter how many times I try, no matter how good I feel when I try, I will always be alone. I don't know what to do.

Would you like some suggestions?

I'm glad you are hanging in until your doc's appt. Hopefully, you will find some answers and some hope there.

In the meantime, feel free to borrow some of my hope for you.

Take care,
gg

Last night my family didn't matter - I didn't want to hurt them, but that wouldn't have kept me from doing so. Today I can't stand the thought of devastating them this way. I don't know what caused the continuum to swing. All I know is I hate my choice is either devestate them or resolve myself to live in this miserable solitude. Or wait until I get the chance for the decision to be off my conscience - a med change, not being "myself." It's all so pointless.

I've obviously made a large plumment in the severity of my depression - ten on the ten-scale, I can see it in my symptoms if nothing else. I want to say I don't know if I'm safe - the truth is I probably know I'm not. I don't want to deal with my parent's disappointment in another hospitalization, which I don't see how it could help. Where can I buy a new personality? Will Medicaid cover it? That's what I need. Medicine is nice, I feel physically better when it's working, but it still leaves me alone.

2 hours, that's when my appointment is. Guess I'll see what my pdoc says. Have only seen her once, but she seems good.

What's it matter.

Good luck with the doc. And thanks for sharing how you are doing. Does it help?

You can hang on to my hope for as long as you need it.

((((Tanouviel))))

gg

((((((TAO)))))))

I have felt what you feel. It's a dark and desolate tunnel with no way out, or as you put it, what is keeping me here? I wish I could trade in my personality too. Truth is, I got past all the negativity and moved on to a brigther outlook. Could you write more details about the origin of this feeling, when you are happy what keeps you going, hope you get from this website, let us know how you are feeling.

Everything I try only disappoints me. People are too quick to latch onto the easier route, to be convinced from little that I'm safe. "Have you had any thoughts of suicide?" "Yeah... I always do when I'm this depressed..." "Do you think you need to go to the hospital again?" "I don't know..." "Well, call your therapist if it gets worse." Gee, thanks... it already IS worse, I just don't know if the hospital would help. Thanks for closing off that subject. Result of that psychiatrist visit: "Put some schedule in your life; go for walks in this gross humidity, find ways to get out and see people you're not close to and are sick of trying to have a friendship with or volunteer on your empty tank of gas due to having no income. About the income - keep trying on that empty tank of gas to find a job - sure you've had a ton of difficulty finding and keeping one in the past, but I'm sure you can find one now while you feel suicidal! I'll see you again in six weeks!"

It's pointless. Why do I even try. No chance will I make it through this summer - if even this week! But there's no solution to it.

Hi, my name is Ayesha. I am only 14 years old. Everyday I think of suicide and well I dunno what to do. I like to play badminton the thought takes my mind off it. But then the thoughts come back when I think of the worse. Believe it or not the most important person in life, sounds selfish but is true is yourself! If you have ever had therpy then you have come along way. Don't give up still I know theres something out their which I haven't seen before and I want to find it some day. If I ever decided to do that the first person I would tell is my best friends who I've known for 8 years now although I have moved away from here. Still stay in touch, someone who you can trust has the right to know. It is hard, I don't know what keeps me here but sometimes it can be other people you care about too. Im in pain everyday yet I try not to say. My smile and laugh is just a fake happiness to life itself. Some people try to bring me down and the only person who can bring me down is myself. I use to listen to them thinking that I don't beling or that no one likes me. But now I've realised that I do have someone there for me. Also I take my teddy bear at school instead of sissors because the scars is not worths it to make. I find it so hard and upseting when I heard that a friend of mine wants to commit suicide. I was there saying that if she ever thought she is going to she can ring me first and talk about it. The thing is you have a life and you can do so much with it to. For me right now I have school and a home which doesn't even feel like sweet home at all. Will I ever find mr right who loves me for who I am. I feel so different to everyone else. I'm naturally tan, have very dark brown/black hair, My pupils are quite big (I don't even take drugs), I like black eyeliner and I'm kind of like a punk. I do have a heart inside of me. I never mean to hurt anyone yet most of them try to hurt me. Deepest thoughts are if someone doesn't want me here badly, I could give in easierly. You know why because the same as Taonuviel was saying I don't know what keeps me here. I guess I keep myself here. I don't fight, I don't listen, I don't care or I want is to live my life to the full! It's hard to imagine if I'll ever get a job and start a family and grow up. Life to me if mind blowing. Please don't take any way your life there's so much more you haven't seen that is good. Have you ever seen the sunset go down? Watch the stars at night? Been on the London eye see the buildings and people down below? If I can't help myself, I at least try to help someone else. Be brave, Be strong, Be you and Hold on!

((((((((((Taonuviel)))))))))

You probably don't want to hear this, but I think you should call your pdoc's office and tell the pdoc that you aren't safe and need to be hospitalized.

For what it's worth, I've felt the way you feel before, but I've been much better for months now. I've had much joy that I would never have experienced had I acted on my feelings.

Please keep yourself safe.

I called the office earlier, they said my T will be in this afternoon, so I'm waiting for her to call me back. I told her on the message what I've been thinking of - not details or anything, just enough so she'll know it's serious.

I don't really care about going to the hospital, but there's no real solution in it. As long as things look so bleak outside of medicinal help I'll only keep playing out this cycle until I'm dead or institutionalized. The only thing that keeps me here is my family, but ideas play in my head as to ways to hurt them less in it, their pain won't be enough to keep me here forever. So then what? I need God's intervention, that's all I can figure.

I wish they'd told me when my T will be in... waiting on this is difficult.

I'm praying that God will, indeed, intervene for you. Keep hanging on, O.K.?

Talked to my T, and decided I didn't trust myself and to go to the hospital. But it's full, so they're calling me when they have an opening (I'd guess tomorrow) and I'm home. But my family know, so it's not so dangerous. I don't know if I'll go in when they call... probably will, but I feel weird about everything.
But I'm going to a depression group meeting soon... so that's something.

Oh, Taonuviel, I'm so relieved! You're taking good care of yourself and being very strong---just keep it up!

I'm still praying for you.

((((Tao)))) ok... you can do this... one foot in front of the other... it's good you have support IRL...

Excellent! So good to hear that you are taking these steps, communicating with folks, asking for help, working to be safe.

Thanks.
The group is based out of a church ministry, so it touches on my faith. I received prayer and did some thinking, and I'm a bit more optimistic - just a bit - but I'm going to try applying myself to some work and spiritual time tonight and tomorrow morning, and try to evaluate how I'm doing tomorrow... maybe I won't even need the hospital. I think I'll be able to judge it pretty well when the chance comes with the phone call.

Tao, I do understand how faith can help with feelings like you seem to be having. Faith alone, however, does not usually change the chemistry of the brain so drastically. (It can, but...) It's because God made our brains to work a certain way, and the hiccups it gives us is also part of the way it works (or doesn't)... if you need medicine, it's ok to take it... if you need hospitalization to help you stablize, that's ok too.
What you are thinking... How you are thinking... is depression talking, not you. If you can get into some CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or such that will show you how it is you are thinking.. that will make things better for you. For you see, though you don't have hope... there is hope. (It isn't a one-person only thing.) The truth is??? That you don't see any way for change when you are depressed, is because of the way your thinking breaks down when you need it most.

sigh. dumped me out before I was done... oops

Having spiritual support is important. Many well-meaning church ppl may say things about trusting and being strong etc... when more active options might be taken.

Did someone else mention the hospital, or is this your thinking with how hopeless you feel? I hope you feel at least a little better soon.

No one except my mom is trying to convince me to stay out of the hospital - aside from not wanting me to go there too much. But the hospital would only be a safe place, my medicine needs little tweaking - if any. Being suicidal was a cognitive thing, not chemical, I'm very sure of it because I've learned to recognize the difference between the symptoms of a chemical imbalance and problems with negative thinking. Between the stresses I've just come through and my struggling with lack of faith it was no wonder I should start thinking like I was. But the group last night gave me things to think about, and I've found more faith in God again, that I don't have to know how He'll work things out, I just have to remember He's in control. I'm still watching myself, and I'll go if I need to. But I think I'll be ok.