[xXWhyXx]

Before you read this and think how pathetic I am -- please know that I am just writing this to make myself feel better.

Whenever I listen to Welcome to My Life by Simple PLan I want to break down in tears. It describes my entire life from beginning to end. But of course, I can't, someone will see me and ask me if I am okay. I'll say yes and they will either say ok or just say that they know that I am not okay and force me to tell them what is wrong. So I mask my feelings with this stupid smile that I have been wearing for so long, it automatically comes on whenever I see someone. Are you happy now? No one can tell that on the inside I am screaming and breaking down in tears. How did it even get to a point where I got this depressed. I hate myself for this. How could I get this so far off. My life is so messed up, I can't stand myself being around. But that is a stupid thing to say. And suicide. I... I can't do it. My family doesn't deserve for me to die after all of those years. Those years when I was an innocent smiling girl. A happy. Normal. Typical girl who had nothing wrong with her. That's who I want to be. But it is too late now. It's my fault that I let everything get so messed up. What is wrong with me anyways? Nothing is wrong and I keep on screwing up everything I do. My friends? Yeah right, I don't have any really friends anymore. They stabbed me in the back and left me by myself to sit there and cry. And for all you poeple replying things like "It is going to be okay! *hug*" No, it is not going to be okay. I haven't been okay for a long time. Ugh. I just want to break down crying. As if I don't already feel pathetic by writing all of my feelings down and expecting everything is going to be okay -- when it isn't. I'll wait for that one moment, when no one is in the house, and run to my room. Turn on my TV, iPod player, and all of my alarm clocks to their max volume and scream until I lose my voice. There. Now I won't have to talk to someone who just wants to hurt me. I am tired of being nice to people who I hate. I convinced myself that school is the source of my depression. So I've come to dread waking up at 6 AM every week day to go to a place that I hate. And after all those years staying at a living hell in school. I have to go to college. That's just great. More crap to deal with. I bet tomorrow I'll read over this and think how stupid I was to even write this and how corny it is. I just want this to end, the only thing I feel is pain. But like i said before, my family doesn't deserve that. Life is crap and I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. I haven't hurt myself ever before, no suicidal attempts, no cutting... I am just about to cut myself and then I just can't do it. No one can save me now, it's too late. I had so many chances and I blew them all. And when I am sleeping I turn off all of the lights so I am left in pitch darkness, surrounded by the darkness. And truthfully, it only feels right to lay there in the darkness. To sit there crying like some emo. I mean, I want to be okay but I can't help but sulk in all of my pain. One time, I was in the car and I suddenly had a spurt of happiness for no apparent reason and I thought to myself "Is this what it feels like to be truly happy?" and then I suddenly went back to being depressed. But my mom was in the car driving. I couldn't cry no matter how much I wanted to. And another thing is when I was acting really sulky while I was at a restaurant with my family because I was very depressed and I couldn't help it. My mom asked me if I was okay and I said yes and put on that sickly sweet smile. But now she was serious and asked me "No, tell me the truth, are you okay? Now I knew that she was going to know that I was depressed so I quickly smiled and said "No, why would you think that?" and as we left the restaurant I laughed and smiled -- and they were all fake. I pity myself so much, and I don't want other people too. They don't deserve to, my life is my fault. I was the one who let it go as far as to make me this depressed. If you were me, you would truly understand how I feel, and I know you don't understand me. Don't tell me that crap about knowing how I feel and how I'll be okay. i don't want any of that. And as you see my smiling and laughing profusely, you now know that inside, there are unspoken words. Unspoken words or pain, anger, and despair. I can't stand this anymore. Why can't I be fricking normal like all those other happy girls in my school. They laugh and smile -- and they are truly smiling. And the popular kids at my school only make me feel worse. They make me feel like a worthless piece of s**t that no one cares about. They never had to even try for anything, all those stupid kids would bow down to the popular kids. Even the people who are smarter than most. They would share test answers with them in order to be accepted by the popular people. And as if all of these things weren't bad enough, the guy who I have liked for the past 6 months broke my heart. So go ahead, kick me around, punch me, say hurtful things, tease me about being a worthless emo kid. I can't feel you hurting me anymore. My brother is the kind of person who does these things to me. I mean, I usually don't cry but he tends to say hurtful things and then hurt me. So basically he hurts me psychically and mentally. And that's when I go into my room close the door, put my pillow on my head, and cry for a long time. And what I hate about myself is that I forgive him to easily, so I get stuck in a circle of him hurting me and then me crying then forgiving him. This happens about once a week. So there. I am sick of all of this. And if you actually took the time to read this then I am sorry you had to listen to my stupid rant that you don't even care about. You probably wanted to tell me "It is going to be okay! *hug*" but now you aren't. Most nights I stay up till 1:30AM crying or just thinking about how much I hate myself. I can't seem to get it right. :*(

I am sorry for wasting your time.
It is my fault. All. My. Fault...

[Yoda]

Hello Why

I am sorry that you are feeling so poorly. You said several times that you need to hide your true feelings and pretend to be happy. I have done that too with people like casual friends who it just wasn't worth getting into it. But what would happen if you were honest with your mother?

[Rohag]

Hi, xXWhyXx!

Originally Posted by xXWhyXx

I'll wait for that one moment, when no one is in the house, and run to my room. Turn on my TV, iPod player, and all of my alarm clocks to their max volume and scream until I lose my voice.

That's a lot of effort to drown out your screams. I have uncontrollable "episodes" which feature screaming until I've lost my voice, but, when they strike, they strike so quickly I can't hide myself.

Would it be so terrible is someone heard your screams? Maybe it would - I'm thinking of school and your brother. It would probably give them more ammunition to deride you.

I speculate being odd ("emo?") does serve a positive role in sifting out those who really don't care from those few who do.

Pardon my wandering thoughts...

[Mike_J]

I totally get what you said, but I also disagree with you. You didn't waste my time when I read your post, and it isn't all your fault.

I really do understaind how you feel makes so much sense but is also incorrect.

But as I recenlty discovered sometimes letting things out can make you feel better.

And I seriously hope you are feeling better

[slowinmi]

Why,

I am not an expert in what to do to help you, but after reading your post today, I had 3 thoughts:
1. Do you have a T and have you discussed these thoughts with him/her?
2. I'm the mom of 3 kids in college. They all agree that college is SO much better than high school. There are fewer pressures to conform and be socially popular and much more of a chance to find out who you really are. Give college a try before you start to dread it.
3. I know you don't want it, but I just have to give it to you anyway because I think you could use a good one right now .

We'll be thinking about you. Let us know how things are going.

[thine_self_untrue]

Why,
This post makes me so sad. I really hope letting it out made you feel a little better.
I would love to talk to you sometime, so please, feel free to PM me.
(((((((((((((((((xXWHYXx)))))))))))))))))))

Now that you have spoken, how to you feel?

[siempre nada]

I'm about to go to college too and when I read this I felt like I was looking into a mirror. I too have lost-no, pushed away all of my friends with what feels like my own sad stupidity. i used to be fairly popular (freshman year) and boy was that a hard drop! I am a "crying clown" or the person who (atempts) to smile and laugh, but feels like crawling into my room's closet turning out the lights and crying my brain out. I'm not a cutter, but once I was so upset that I went into the bathroom stared into the mirror at my red puffy tear filled eyes and placed the sharpest knife I could find to my arm. I must have slashed it in the same area at least 20 times. It wasn't deep at all amolst like paper cuts, but it was one of my lowest points.. I stood in the bathroom and stared into my own hopeless eyes as I literally brought my pain to the surface..
I tried to hide it, but my sister saw it, a large formation of lines that looked like a giant asterisk(*) on my arm. When she asked what it was I told her with the creepiest smile,"oh, yeah I cut myself. Just having a bad day." I tried playing it off as something silly I did just for fun, but she didn't believe it. i wouldn't. I mean who cuts themself for fun?

Anyway I can't look at people in the eye because it hurts. The person I had a crush on most likely thinks I'm a freak, and during school luch/brunch I wander up and down the halls alone with a blank expression on my face. My used to be friends made note of that and brought it to my attention telling me that I looked "creepy and sad." Which is right on the dot. I just hate it had to be witnessed by anyone. When Im alone I wish i were with people, when I'm with people I realize why I should/like to be alone. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be known as "that wierdo chick"

[FeelingHopeful]

xxwhy x, Im so sorry you feel like this, breaks my heart, im around if you wanna talk, I would like to be your friend. Sending a big hug!

[Choson]

It seems so hard and i know how it can be like you are insignificant.
But we all have our purpose, we just need to find it.
I feel the same way, so ashamed of my existence, so little amongst everyone.
Also, I don't want people to know, and hide it very well. But I know this is not good.
We have to let it out, we have to talk, maybe not to those who know us, but to someone who doesn't know us well. I think writing is definitely a good route as I use it as well. I hope you will feel better soon.

[FeelingHopeful]

I agree. I also write alot esp , i feel it helps me to get my feelings out esp now because im struggling. This site is so wonderful

[Miss Laura]

xXWHYXx,

I know you didn't want people to say this but YES I KNOW WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM. I really do. You seem to be really angry about school and you are VERY intuned to not wnatint to hurt yourself and your family. Are you seeing a counsellor or anything?

Its not your fault you have depression and you CAN help yourself. This is the part where I will say things and you will say "Ye right no way can I do this or Ye whatever" BUT please listen and think about it.

I always thought and still when really low think its my fault. Its not and its NOT your fault either. No one can help getting depressed and its estimated that most people in their lives will experience 1 bout of depression. It sucks when you have it and you want to give up and you wnat to end it and you want people to ask you how you are but at the same time you want people to leave you alone. WE HAVE ALL BEEN THERE AND KNOW HOW THAT IS. THATS PART OF WHO WE ALL ARE.

I am the same as you with the friends etc. I have found it extremely difficult coping this time around. My colleagues at work who I thought were my friends turned against me as I ahve been off work for 6 weeks due to my depression.

You seem to have a VERY understanding Mum. I wish mine's wa slike your's mine's thinks I should just get on with things- if only it was that easy.

Maybe you could write in a journal and get all your thoughts out your head- it's good for when you go on rants like your post and then IF you feel guilty after writing it you can write a better one after it or leave it and it can be used as part of your life experiences.

My counsellor told me last week that all my issues(depression/ocd/eating disorder) and more issues I have will all be stored and I can use them in my life and through my journey in life.

Just thought I would say my piece. I am about to head to the doctors and am HOPING to go back to work this week or next week as I think I can manage work now!!

Best wishes and thoughts are with you!!!!

[doub]

Dear WHY,
You said in your writing that you was given so much chances and you blew them all up. Exactly my own situation and my own thoughts with the difference of life experience. I think like that with every depression I have Many of them), but still seeing in surprise again and again that life gives me new chances every time. Although now I think that it's the end-now I really blew up everything possible- still deep inside there is some belief is alive that it'd be more chances given
You are very young, I'm grandma already. I wish you to learn to recognize and appreciate the new chances life is going to give you and use them for your adventage. Be well and feel better