Inpatient

OK. Things were going well, but 2 months ago the usual signs of depression began to return. And now they're here again. Welcome back depression! Wipe your feet on the way in...

Well anyway. I've been fairly suicidal and so therefore have decided to go to inpatient. I will be phoning up CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) tommorrow as they are closed over the weekend. I only told my mum today that I will be doing this and she wasn't very surprised and seems to agree with the decision.

I have no motivation. I'm disgusting: I haven't washed for weeks. The only bathing I've done is in misery. I tried to force myself the other day to get a shower but I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed. This is the main reason my mum wasn't that surprised: as for the first time in my 7 year obsession I don't feel like doing anything at all IT wise (Information Techology).

Suicide plans. I have one that I keep thinking about very in depth. Obviously I'm not going to put any details in here because of the mental stability of others. But it involves three main "ingredients". There are some little details I need to iron out - such as how I get to where I'm going, but otherwise it is very well thought out.

Hopefully they'll let me go in. Well I am almost certain they will...or god help me. One more night and tommorrow I finally can start to get something arranged. I'm not going to make myself go to A&E (accident and emergency) as I don't want to go to a general hospital...I want to go to a mental hospital like last time.

Sorry for the long post. Just needed to vent.

I'm never going to escape from the darkness. Even family can't turn me away from suicide.

Hey In The Darkness,

Please do not do anything suicidal wise. I too am feeling that way but I am tryign to keep my chin up.

Thats great that your Mum and you have both agreed this is the right plan of action calling the hospital. Your Mum seems supportive

Take Care

I have been just in your situation twice, and finally with others I was able to get through the worst. It seems like your Mom is aware of the worst in your situation and is there for your support. Never feel that there is no way out, because there always is. Go to therapy, and if necessary don't wait......In any hospital situation there is always an ear to be bent, or a shoulder to rest on. Even here, post as many times as necessary to help with the worst of thoughts. You can get through this if you think ahead and not behind. Even when I thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel......others who were willing to help always taught me to see that there was. Depend on a good therapist when you find one....and don't stop looking if you can't find one at first. Look to others to help you through (it was so hard for me), and I still have a hard time sometimes. Life CAN be enjoyed, though I'm still trying to learn this. I've learned to never stop trying.....NEVER STOP TRYING.
Post back please!....on your situation....friends ARE here....VENT AWAY.....Good Luck .......Y

Yeah...I'll update after the phone call tommorrow

In the Darkness you are very very brave.
I suffer from suicidal thoughts.
But I am afraid of the hospital, I do take meds & see a therapist.
You are the winner - here!
(U R a hero for not taking it and standing up to yourself)

UPDATE: Basically my therapist told me that hospital is only a short term solution...and that you come out feeling exactly the same - and that it resolves nothing. I disagree with this, last time I came out feeling 80x better (seriously, that isn't an exaggeration).

Anyway. At 9 I called CAMHS, at 9:45 I got called back and I spoke to the therapist. She said she is going to get me an appointment at CAMHS with a doctor.

UPDATE 2: CAMHS calls at 10:10, I have an appointment at CAMHS with Dr Chouldry at 11:30. Queue the agonising chats between myself, my mother and the doctor. :S

Let us know how it goes. To a certain extent I agree that hospital is only a temporary solution. Your meds are obviously far from ideal and maybe while in inpatient, have a look at changing the meds.
All the best though!

Getting that appointment is half the battle.......Good Luck........Y

After a lot of shouting, swearing and walking out twice...they have decided to let me go in. They're coming over tommorrow morning to fill out the admission form. Though I have a very strong urge to cut. I've given most of my blades to mum on the psychiatrist's orders. They wanted to give me this new medication instead of letting me go hospital and I ripped up the prescription. I don't want more meds !!!

Well anyway. So. It's happening.

Just got to hold out. DONT self harm

I self harmed. I've been holding it in for 7 days now.

But. It didnt help.

I'm very disappointed

Hang in there! I hope the hospital helps you are braver than I!

LoneScout

UPDATE

They came over...they made me agree to keep myself safe while they look for a bed. They've built a brand new hospital about 1 hour from here which will open in 2 weeks. I might have to wait until then. I did of course say that I need one urgently (especially because I still have urges to cut)...so they said they are going to speak to the commisioners and try to find a bed. If I get a bed somewhere within the next few days I will be transferred to the brand new one once that opens.

So it looks like it's happening.

Also, they're going to keep me updated via text.

In The Darkness,

That's great you got your appointment and also that you managed to have the discussion about what you want to do. Hmmm.. Do you not think the new meds and the hospital admission and counselling will help you? I am glad you are gettins somewhere eventually

On self harming, I do not condone it as I have self harm last week. But please be careful and try and do something else other than self harming. Can you not give your Mum ALL your blades for safe keeping? Yes you gave her "some" but what about the others? I know it will not be easy and I know you will be very angry but you need to try and stop. I am trying to be "positive" ye it sucks but trying is all we can do right?

Take Care

Did you get a bed?

I'm still waiting for some news.

To be honest...this waiting is killing me.

Please hang in (and don't selfhurt) you are almost there.....I bet the new hospital is as nice as it can be!! and just being there will distract you enough so you can focus on recovery. Please keep posting here at PC so we know how you are doing........and Good Luck at the new hospital!!......Y

Keep it up! You're almost there! I'm rooting for you... as one who has spent time in the hospital before, because I deeply needed it... I think you made the right decision for yourself, and will greatly benefit by your stay there.

Hang in there In The Darkness...
Help will be there soon.
You are in my thoughts.

I've been in hospital for 2 weeks now and I HAVE to stay for another 4.

But I do feel MUCH better.

On home leave this weekend for my birthday. Have to go back on Monday.

Love I_T_D

This is the best news in the world! Glad ur safe.
Lonescout

Well done, I_T_D.

In the darkness

i hope all is well. I know how sometimes it can be frustrating having people tell you when you can eat and take a shower..anyway hang in there..you have a lot of people supporting you

Hope your Birthday helps you to feel better---let us know how you're doing -----

Wonderful that you were able to get help when you knew you needed it---you are very strong!--theo

I"m glad you are feeling better

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm writing this from a PC at the hospital (yes I'm back now ) and yeah.

I'm doing good.

Whoo.

< I_T_D >