Hopeless..

I feel so pathetic. Here I am writing another post about the same unresolved issues I've been *****ing about for months. I am defeated in the game of life. I spent some time today pondering my life and trying to remember the good times, then I realized I only have one or two happy memories. I've spent my whole life not good enough in my fathers eyes, an awkward outsider in social situations, never with any true passion for anything I've done. Just sauntering through life as my peers pass me by.

I've been a horrible role model for my younger brother, but even so he's moving on with life while I'm stuck in the same pit of quicksand. To my face my mother doesn't say it, but I know she's ashamed of me. I barely even know my father, the only part of my life he was was slapping me around and telling me I was worthless until I was 12 and he decided to cheat on my mother and move out.

I've had thoughts recently that I've never even considered before. The creeping whispers of my own intuition telling me "There's really no point, why not end it now?". I have no friends to call and talk to, nobody to go out with for a fun night to forget about things. I just sit here while it builds up and chips away at my foundation. I can't even lie to myself anymore and say "soon enough things will get better". They're not getting better, and it's my own apathetic attitude that makes it that way.

And the funniest part is? I can call myself out on all of the dumb stuff I do and the way I'm living my life, then not do anything about it. I have no faith in myself, no courage anymore. I've defeated myself in my mind, convinced I'm not good enough to participate in society. There's no end in sight, no reason to keep pushing. I've disappointed anyone to ever place faith in me, including myself.

Don't see a point in continuing to exist. I'm worthless, and if I died tomorrow my funeral would be like 7 people and only because they have to attend because they're family. Nobody without a blood relation to me would even notice I was gone. I just wish I could hit the reset button and start over. I've screwed myself so badly that I don't know how to recover from it.

Feeling very hopeless. I don't even want to press submit but I guess I'm going to.

Hi, A_Long_ways!

From paragraph #2:From paragraph #5:I cannot help but see a connection. I do not deny you feel terrible about yourself, but it does seem you had a lot of "help" to feel terrible about yourself.

Whether or not you regret hitting the "submit" button, your superb post echoes what many on these forums experience in one way or another. Thank you.

This is exactly the kind of writing one could (should?) copy and place in the hands of a therapist.

I relate so so much to everything you wrote... I'm sorry you feel this way too.

Wishing you to find a way to improve things and sending you hugs

"Defeated in the game of life" sounds familiar.
Well, you say you achieved nothing, you know it so probably you are right. However, it likely happened for a variety of reasons, not including your worthlessness. Seems to me that you life so far was an effective selfloath factory. However, loathing oneself doesn't mean to be loathsome. You have a heavy burden, not impossible to drop.
I'm not going to teach you anything, I'm a time wasting, self reproaching lazy axx. But I would bet my last buck you are a better person than you think. A person with that deep insight can't be worthless.
Keep posting

Bye, good luck

I agree with Rohag. Please do print this page & reach out to a T. Call a suicide hotline, and talk with someone about getting through this hour. People do care. We can't always see that, especially when all we see is darkness surrounding us. But it is always there.

You summed up your core feelings very well with, "Feeling very hopeless."

Three small words ~ they mean so much! Hopelessness yells misery to me. I have been there a few times myself, and do remember it well.

You are in my thoughts. I hope things begin to improve for you very soon. Please do reach out for help.

“"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms -- to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.”

"For the meaning of life differs from man to man, from day to day and from hour to hour. What matters, therefore, is not the meaning of life in general but rather the specific meaning of a person's life at a given moment. "

-Dr. Viktor E. Frankl

((A Long Ways)) - I'm sorry you're feeling hopeless. I remember some excellent advice you wrote on another thread - I was very impressed by your insight. Are you in school - what are you studying because I bet you would make a great therapist.

I know before you were procrastinating about trying meds again. Are you on medication at the moment? If not please speak with your doctor abut this.

For now I want you to forget about your past and how you feel like a failure -lets concentrate on the present - day by day, moment by moment. Can you think of something you're passionate about and volunteer for some organizatiion? This will get you out in a social gathering and force you to think outside yourself.

Have I ever given you the Metanoia website - if you would like it, PM me and I'll send it to you. The past is gone so no amount of dwelling will change it, so what can you do today? Eat a good meal and go out for a brisk walk. You know how to inspire others, I've read your posts - you can internalized this and talk to yourself. You're a good person and you just need to focus and boost yourself into action.

Thanks guys, sorry I didn't reply sooner, I've just been sheltering myself from pretty much everyone.

Rohag & Shezbut - I have a problem with therapists. I don't want to sound cocky when I say this, it's just the way I've felt with any therapist I've ever met. I always feel a bit intellectually superior to them, and I say that as humbly as possible. Like, having to explain the meaning of certain words to them, or realizing that they're not "with the times" and the advice they're giving only applied 10 years ago. Every therapist I've been to has been a much older guy that I cannot relate to in the slightest amount. And now I'm supposed to try to relate my most sacred and inner feelings to them? I just couldn't honestly do it, I always held back. I can just never drop those innermost feelings and when I do let a little of it out, what I feel is a huge event to them is always just a nod and a "go on". Not to mention the feeling of being told "times up" while you're in the middle of something you feel is extremely important. I've just always felt therapy is a business, with no real compassion from any therapist I've ever dealt with. Perhaps I've just had bad therapists, perhaps I just don't trust anyone, I dunno.

Freak - It helps a bit to hear that you identify with some of my problems. Then I remember how much it sucks to feel the way I do, and wish I got no replies from people who can identify. Hope you can find a way to keep pushing through it, and if you do please share!

Stefano - Thanks for not sugar coating it and being honest. I do much better with the reality of things than dancing around the issues. I know my burden isn't impossible to drop, and the funny part of my burden is it's all internalized and personal. I have absolutely nothing that I feel guilty about over my actions towards others, I've never harmed anyone for my own benefit and I've always been as fair and honest with others as I can. I suppose that's another part of it, I've tried to live by the golden rule "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you". But, it never works out that way and my own standards and values have on many occasions led to me being manipulated, used, and walked over simply because I refuse to lower myself to certain levels. This, I'm positive, is part of the reason I've shut myself off from the world. I appreciate your compliment also, thank you.

Lynn - I'm not in school, haven't sat in a single class in college. There's a long, boring, story full of excuses to go along with the reasons, but I'll spare you. Thanks for the compliment about my other posts. I have always been this way, I'm very good at helping others with their own problems and I've been told I give great advice. But when it comes to myself, I just can't take in anything that I've said to others. My self image is... bad to say the least. Pile a lack of confidence, a defeatist attitude and a complete lack of friends onto that and I guess you get a pretty miserable person.

Concentrating on my day by day is even worse for me. My life has degenerated from 45 hour work weeks, my own apartment, "loving" girlfriend, and lots of (what I thought were) friends from work, to living back at home with my mother, unemployed, single, with absolutely no purpose in life. I know, I'm just sitting around on the pity pot complaining about my life, but my life really sucks right now. It's like somewhere someone noticed I was having too good of a time and decided they didn't like it, so over the course of 2 months they systematically disassembled my life until it was crappy enough for them to be satisfied.

There were a few things I was passionate about, none of them have any meaning anymore. I swear, I don't understand women today. I did everything within my power to make my girlfriend feel like the most beautiful, important, loved and respected women I possibly could. Well, that all changed when I lost my job. I didn't have the money coming in to keep working towards our end goal, and she decided I wasn't worth it anymore. Dropped me like a sack of bricks. That was my passion, and I know it's unhealthy to invest so much emotion and hope into another human being, but deep down I just want to love someone, and be loved in return. That is all that I hope for out of life. I don't care if I'm a millionaire, I don't care how many cars I have or how big my house is. I just want love, and I'm never going to find it in the shape I'm in.

Please do PM me that website if you think it would help, I'm open for anything.

I jumped around a LOT here and this post is probably an incredible mess. Pressing submit anyway.

Okay, so what is the plan? Since you believe treatment tools are ineffective, what is your plan to get you out of this malaise?

How are you feeling today ((A Long Ways))?

Hey guys.

Just wanted to say thanks for all of your advice and compassion. I've decided to stop posting here, simply because of the guilt I feel for getting advice from you great people and never doing anything with it. Maybe I'll figure this thing out one day, but I feel like it's only making it worse for myself getting all of this advice and just giving it the cold shoulder. Thanks so much for the advice, I really do appreciate it. Sorry for not ever doing anything with it.

You don't have to feel bad or guilty for not taking the advice. If you feel it's making you more down by being here, then it's okay to take a break. But I want to reassure you we don't mind blabbing away, even if it goes in one ear and out the other lol. Many here really do care for members here and friends don't mind listening and giving advice even if you'tre not ready. No need to apologize. You also give great advice so you deserve to receive it as well.

I can understand how past abuse can make you wish your mother said no that night! Children learn life lessons from parents and your parents sound a lot like mine. It is so easy to give up hope and just die. People have told me i have strengths that i am just becoming aware of. Everyone has good in them somewhere. I hope you find it in you.