[KV_SA]

I have been having suicidal thoughts. I cant bring myself to really explain what has brought this on. I think, even if i try, it is a complex set of reasons and cannot be fully explained in any case.

People say that those who take their own lives are selfish and do not consider others in their lives. Here's what i feel - Yes there are some individuals who would be devasted - but somehow, I feel that they would understand. Deep down i also think that God understands suicide in some instances. Yes He gave me life, but i dont think i am able to do justice to it to have deserved life in the first place. I think my husband would only be devasted in a superficial way - ie, stigma of his wife's suicide, not having a companion (i think he could be with anyone else really), and not knowing what to do next (wrt should he remarry or not)... And then explaining the whole thing - "oh she didnt seem depressed" or "she seemed so happy" etc. It will be "inconvenient" to him. My sister, having been to similar dark places like I have will, understand, I am sure of it. My mother is who i worry about the most. She will be truly hurt, and i wouldnt want that, but somehow that doesnt seem like a truly valid reason to keep living. i DO respect life - everyone's except my own - because i feel like an obsolete program in an operating system. A program written for a function but one that failed to operate as expected or required.

It isnt so much about commiting suicide as it is about wanting to die. I have no issues, with driving badly (in case i have an accident and die), getting ill and dying of some disease, being killed by a murderer or by terrorism...I would even like to develop some debilitating mental illness and be committed to an institute - relief from awareness of myself... In fact, the thought brings a sense of relief.

I am tired of looking for the good in day to day life. i try and have tried before. keeping busy with hobbies, or spiritual things. I still feel useless and pointless -a functionless waste of time. I watched a bird flying around from the 5th floor of the building where i work. it was pretty and peaceful and free. But these little bits of life's happiness mean nothing to me. I looked further to the 25 story high rise nearby and wondered "I have access to the roof of that building - i wonder if it is true that those who jump off buildings die on the way down and not when they hit the ground?"

Some people say "there is always a solution" - but i dont care that there may be one. I dont want one. I want peace and quiet.

I havent told my psychologist any of this. I dont feel like "seeking help" - i feel like this is the state i am "meant" to be in. Some would say i must get help for this - WHY? So i can keep living a marginal existance and wait for a "natural" death??

I am sorry if this is difficult to read. I dont speak to anyone about these things. I prefer anonymity. Besides, why should i burden those close to me. I feel that if i tell them they will try and unconvince me of how i feel (which i think they feel is what they are supposed to do)- sorry but that didnt work the last time.

Again, im sorry if this sounds harsh. I need to know if this is how others have felt before...

[sabby]

Hi KV_SA and welcome to PC.

I'm sorry that you are feeling this way and having all these kinds of thoughts. It must be so draining on you and tiring to always be fighting to get through each day.

Are you in therapy at all? Do you take any meds for depression?

From what I have read in your thread, I can see that the depression is lying to you to the hilt. And that's exactly what depression does...it lies to you and tells you all the negative things you may be feeling....it makes you tired and not want to fight for life....it takes away your happiness and leaves you feeling flat or worse.

If you are not in therapy or taking meds, I strongly suggest going to your doctor and telling them how you are feeling. You do not have to suffer like this all the time. I really hope you can find some strength and please know that no matter what, if you decide to end your life, other lives will be impacted more than you know. Questions will never be answered because you are not there to answer them. Blame will be placed, and very possibly in the wrong place or on the wrong person. Their lives will never be the same again and they will always wonder "Why"????

Please take good care of yourself.

_sabby_

[susan888]

(((KV SA)))

My Dad comitted suicide when I was 8 years old. It has defined my entire life. I have been where you are too, but like you, I am a mother and even though I was just so tired, so tired of hurting...I just couldn't bring myself to put her through that pain. There simply is no comparable pain like that for a child, I can't even begin to desribe it.

I don't think of what my Dad did as a selfish act anymore....I just think he was so lost in his depression that he saw no other way out...

Please believe me....there are other ways out of the pain (meds for me). If I had done what was in my head (and sometimes still is)..I would have missed out on so much joy!!! Missed out on being a Grandma, missed out on being a good mother...OMG...Looking back....I would have missed out on so many beautiful moments. Yes, it's hard..yes, there is still a lot of pain..yes, I still struggle...but I have to tell myself that when the darkness comes...it's not going to last forever.

Sending you deep understanding and positive thoughts. You are a person of worth and there is a reason you are here. You might not see it now...but maybe you will see it soon.

[stefano]

Hello,
it seems to me to listen to a friend of mine... she always speaks like that. The same way, I find it difficult to say that God's great Gift (life) should be upheld no matter what. Life is hard, yes, and no life would mean no hardships, pretty obvious.
However, I always tell my friend that she has a problem, and the reality before her eyes is not reality as it is. And I tell you the same. You are not MEANT to live like crap. There is a disease called "depression" which undermines one's possibilities to see reality properly. At this point my friend rolls her eyes (I suppose, as we talk over the phone) and I think you will be quite pissed off too. However, that is how it works, nobody makes exception. You are making decisions basing upon wrong data. You may find life to be too crappy anyway... but you can't tell.

By the way, a loved one killing himself is a terrible disgrace. People can't get rid of the feeling that they should and could do something to help. In the perception of others, accidents or diseases seal death like tombstones. Suicide leaves an open grave and a wandering ghost.

All of the above are my most humble but heartfelt opinions.

[mrkmyword]

I've been sitting here for the last 4 hours thinking the same lousy thoughts as you are kv_sa.

But I'm thinking its lousy which means I guess it does matter.

With respect to what Stefano said. WOW! I know it pulled me up and gave me a good slap.

Depression is a 'sickness' it is taboo, not something we are encouraged to talk about among friends and its rarely taken serious.

Saying someone is depressed does not mean they really understand that just like alcoholism or drug addiction is a disease this too is a disease
It needs to be treated and followed by a doctor.
That's OK, cause when we're ill we go see the doctor.
Go see your family doctor and explain how you feel.
That helped me my first real bout of depression.

It's not what others think - who cares. It's what you think

We are important to so many people
Take care, talk to someone and notice how important you are

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, KV_SA!

Many lines in your post echo thoughts I've had, this one especially:

Originally Posted by KV_SA

...relief from awareness of myself...

I'm still alive. I imagine I could sit and think of all the reasons why. Some of those reasons would be close to the truth, others would be wishful or distorted thinking. Such an exercise might have its value for me; I doubt it would help you. Nevertheless, you, too, are still alive.

Personally, I hope whatever natural urge to life and curiosity to know "what comes next" will bear you and your sister through the dark times to places of self-knowledge that will make life more tolerable.

[SophiaG]

It really sound sound like you are in emergency mode as far as depression goes. I know you just want the pain to go away and I understand that. I've been in a similar place mental health-wize before.

My question is: How long have you felt like this?

The longer you feel like this the harder it'll become to get out of it. You really have to act quickly and take your feeling seriously. Have you considered a residential treatment facility? It just seems as though you're so far down in the hole that it'll take a lot of professional support/compassion to assist you in the way that you deserve.

[KV_SA]

Hi people. Thank you for all the responses. I'm doing a bit better today. Thanks to a bit of heartfelt prayer and the encouragement of your answers. I havent been wanting to face that i may be depressed. It wasnt supposed to happen to me - between my depressed sister and mum, i was the "strong one"... lol. I have felt like this, or at least pushed off thoughts like this/suppressed for as long as i can remember... it feels "normal" - i guess i thought it was me giving way to negativity... The saddest part of this past weekend has been the realization that my husband, the person who was my best friend, seems to not be able or willing to try and see beyond my black mood and see that me feeling/looking so down ISNT ABOUT HIM!!!!!!!! And i am in no mood to "make a case for myself"... if he doesnt get it, should i really be expected to EXPLAIN this to him?? He should care enough to ask "whats wrong love" and then REALLY LISTEN... but it doesnt happen. I think i should now lower my expectations... which is hard to do.. as i said, he WAS my best friend... anyway.. thanks for listening..