[Foolish]

Un benounced to you all, I was planning on dying on the September 30th. I had been planning it for a while, and decided it was the night to put up or shut up. I had the pills ready, this time I was sure to succeed thanks to a website that let me know how much I'd need to die. But, I am obviously not dead, and no I did not chicken out. My friend Jonny showed up at my house at 4 am and said to me "Want to go to Jasper right now?". So, I said "yes" and in my head I was thinking "Wow this guy is friggen amazing", and I owe him huge for prolonging my life if only for a few more months. So, I went to Jasper for the day, and it was amazingly beautiful (Jasper is a place in the rocky mountains for those of you who are not farmiliar with Canada). I couldn't believe it was happing and it all seemed like a dream.

I got to see him, and talk to you him for a long time which really helped, or seemed to, until I got home. When I came home reality struck me in the side of the head with a 2 by 4. The blow did large damage to me seeing as how I haven't eaten since. My mind is so overhwhelmed these days, I am finding it hard to see the fun in things and enjoy the simple pleasures in my life. People are changing and I am being left behind in my same mould. I feel like [censored], and although the trip help, I still feel as if I should do it and go along with my put up or shut up approach.

I need something, I'm not sure what. How about knowing that my old friends on this site are still around and doing good? I hope so I think of you guys, don't ever think that I don't care. Sometimes I don't show it. Names that come to mind are Vett, Rapunzel, Serenity, Hey Hey, Planningtodie, LMo, and Heidu. Where has everyone gone? I haven't been keeping up with whats been going on with fighting and crap. I didn't like the talk about the "Core people". Because I don't like the idea of people having more status here than others and leaves ppeople like myself feeling excluded from people who claim to be "Our friends and family". Anyway, please do something for me, I'm not sure what.

Update on Erin: She has made me dead inside.

Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice

[Fuzzybear]

Hi Foolish! I know we haven't chatted much, but I was wondering about you - it's good to see you here again. That is so amazing how your friend Jonny turned up ...

I don't like talk about the "core people" either, but I think the fighting is over now ... Welcome back!!!

Sorry this is so short ... I just wanted to say hi,

~Fuzzy

[heidu]

Hey Foolish,
Well I for one am glad for Johnny and I have to believe that he showed up when he did was for a reason. An angel in disguise maybe.

As for your put up or shut up....well I would rather here you piss and moan than have you end your life. I think the only thing I or anyone asks of you is that you are courteous and kind to everyone. It's ok to express how you are feeling, even if you are feeling bad.

I would love to help you, be a friend, just be there for you so you don't have to walk life's hard road alone right now. The thing is, when we have chatted if I don't let you wallow in your muck you just abruptly leave. I want to help but I can't help you spin in circles. That only leaves me dizzy too.

Have you figured out what you can do to actually make life better for yourself? What you can do to get started on a new path that might bring you a little comfort and happiness?

It only takes one step. One little step in the right direction. You talked about God. Let him be your friend and support. Maybe instead of going to a Doctor you can find a Pastor to talk to that can help you.

You have options. You have choices. They are there for you to make. All you gotta do is decide you want to feel better and find someone to help you. I'll be here for support too and I bet many others will. Find your first step. Don't look at the big picture. It's too much, too overwhelming.

Look at one thing you can do to make life better. Start small. If you can do that one thing then you will gain some confidence and start feeling just the smallest bit better. Then you can take the next step. Slowly but SURELY you will start feeling better about your life and yourself.

I am sending you hugs...hope they help.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Peanut61]

Hello there... I was missing you, too, and I'm really glad that Johnny turned up that day as well = 'If it's odd, it's God', right? Hope to see you posting a lot more. Your friend, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

Welcome back! People have asked about you and I've been worried about you, but hoping that you were having a good break and doing okay. Please thank Jonny for me for showing up when he did. He must have been inspired. I have been praying for you. Maybe someone heard.

Did you get your light box? You said that you were going to get one; that your friends were getting it for you. It isn't a cure, but it does help.

People change as they learn and grow. They would happily take you along with them if you let them, just like Jonny thought of you and invited you to go along with him to Jasper. They don't want to leave you behind, but it is up to you.

Since you asked how we are all doing, here I am. I'm busier than I thought I would be with going back to school. The university keeps throwing rocks in my path and sometimes I just want to give up, but if I did it would be devastating to me, so I keep plugging along. I just hope they will award my degree this year so that I can apply for graduate school. I would have graduated 12 years ago if I had not had an incomplete in one class (which wasn't even required). I had two majors. One department said that I would have to basically re-do the entire last year and I can't from where I live now, so I just dropped that. The other one said I was okay, and didn't see the point in me even taking more classes (I am anyway), but now they have decided that I have to take tests to revalidate my classes from before because it has been so long. And they wouldn't answer my questions about what I needed to do to get the tests and take them. I finally caught someone on the phone and have that set up, so I take the tests next week and will have one more hurdle crossed. I'm not really worried about the tests - it was just that they were treating me like I don't exist. Sorry to talk about myself so much, but you did ask.

I really want things to get better for you. They will if you let it happen. And I wish that you would talk to someone about it - your choice but please do. I know that you don't want to go to a mental health professional, but like Heidu said, maybe it would help to talk to a pastor or religious leader of some kind. Life just doesn't have to be so bad, but you need to let someone help pull you out of this rutt, and we can't do it from so far away. You don't have to deal with it alone.

Thanks for the update. It's nice to hear from you again.

<font color=purple>"The real problem of mental life is not why some people become insane, but rather why most avoid insanity." -Erich Fromm</font color=purple>

[ltlredvett]

Foolish.....

I have had people in my life tell me that things happen for a reason. Maybe the reason your friend stopped over is that you are not supposed to die right now. I know I had similar "plans" and there always seemed to be something that would come up that changed them. Last time was my ex was going out of town unexpectedly and I had to watch my kids. Could be random events, but could be a message to you that you are supposed to live.

[forgoten]

I too was on a website that almost pull the trigger for me. And I too had a date set up. But as you see I'm still here. I don't know if there is a reason why I'm still here but I'm glad at least I find this site. Maybe with time we will find why we are here. I see that you have very good friends in here, friends that care for you. That's a very good thing in your life. Some don't even have that, don't even have a computer to reach out. Sometime I try to focus on those small things to help me keep going. I hope you can find the help you need.
Take good care!

forgoten

[PlanningtoLive]

Glad to see you Foolish and that you are still alive. I am sorry if my post upset you - it just meant the people that had been here the longest.....nothing else.

Take care.

Mary Alice

[LMo]

Hey Foolish:
I've been thinking about you. Glad you're okay, relatively speaking.

I'm not too bad.

We've talked a bit about jobs on Chat, so I know that you feel that now is not the right time for that. But still... I don't know how I would get through life if I didn't make it point-to-point for myself. I always set up some small goal... and that's what I'm aiming for. And that's the part that my boyfriend is the most frustrated about for himself - he knows that having goals would really help him, but he doesn't know what kind of goals he can set for himself without risking to fall flat on his face, so he doesn't set any. Is that where you are about goals? I know that I can give all the advice in the world, but you aren't asking for it so I won't. But if you want to talk about setting goals, I'd be happy to work with you on them. Honestly, I would be depressed too if I didn't set my mind to achieve something, however little it may be, like taking a class, training to run or bike a certain distance, planning a vacation, future dinner plans with a friend, a project at home, whatever. Also having pets really make a difference in my life.

I'm thinking about you - and I'm your friend. If anyone is an intruder here - it's me. But that has nothing to do with how everyone else sees us -- feeling like an intruder is mostly in one's head. And I don't feel that way.

Erin sucks. Time to move on to someone who deserves you.

We are ALL going to be a-ok!