*****. Sorry for the swear but nothing else works.

Sorry for posting again and probably wasting your time.

Ramble commence:

I still feel guilty and empty and worthless and hopeless and scared.
I still feel guilty about feeling guilty.
I hate this, I really do.

I've tried St Johns Wart. Took it daily for 3 months and no effect.
I don't know what to do now.

I can't go to the doctors. It's too scary.
> What if they make fun of me?
> What if they tell my parents?
> What if they lock me away somewhere?
> What if they put me on medication and I have to tell college about it?
> What if they make me go see someone and have to tell everything to?
> What if it makes my health records look bad?

And I can't phone to book an appointment. I can't use the phone.
And even if I could, I would be unable to go to the doctors anyway.

Then I have a cousin who knows all this. She's 24 and is at uni. She offered to come and take me there if I was too afraid to go alone. But she's so selfless. I know she has neither the time nor money to spare to come and help me. So I can't be selfish and ask her too.

I can't tell my parents. They're the best parents in the world and they might think that they've done something wrong. And they don't believe in depression...especially from someone who has a good life like myself.

I used to see the college counciller, and it was just about ok talking about my past and bullying, etc. But as soon as she asked about whether I thought I had depression, I lied and didn't turn up to my next appointment. I just couldn't.

I can't talk to my best friend. She has enough problems in her life without me burdening her with anything. I can't lose her to my own selfishness.

Then all of my scars from self harm, I hide. And I feel **** for hiding them because it feels like I'm lying to everyone. So I tell myself that I'll just not cover up my arms/legs. But in the end I just end up covering up at the last minute anyway, or lie if anyone asks me about them.

No-one knows about this depression (apart from my cousin).
No-one knows about my self harm.
No-one knows about my previous suicide attempts.
No-one knows how when I shut myself in my room every evening, I end up crying.

I just don't know what to do anymore. No, that's a lie. I havent known what to do for a long time.
I just feel so empty, and scared (for no apparent reason) and worthless.
I can't even seem to find a scrap of hope left inside me.
Just a large hollowness inside my chest.

:Ramble finish.

Again, sorry for taking up the space on this board. I know you all have better things to do than talk to me.
So how are you anyway?

Bye.

Hi, Music Rules Me!
I wish I didn't understand what you're saying, but, unfortunately, I do. Feeling guilty for feeling guilty -- that's me.

The weight you bear must be crushing. I fear sooner or later you will not be able to conceal what's going on inside you. You've had a session or two (or more?) with a school counsellor. Do you think you could slowly build trust with a counsellor and, when you felt ready, reveal your fears to them one by one?

Music Rules Me, you and your "rambles" are always welcome

Okay, you're feeling a lot here! I'm going to try and break this down for you. This is just stuff to think about.

You said you had these worries:

" can't go to the doctors. It's too scary.
> What if they make fun of me?
> What if they tell my parents?
> What if they lock me away somewhere?
> What if they put me on medication and I have to tell college about it?
> What if they make me go see someone and have to tell everything to?
> What if it makes my health records look bad?"

So number 1. You worry that you will be made fun of?
What do you visualize the doctor making fun of?

2-3 I don't know much about, but I would venture to think
confidentiality would be kept; you think they would lock you up?

It would be discriminating for a college to look down on you for
using a medication (if you are given one), and as for health records/college, you can use your past hardships to your advantage, sometimes you can even get scholarships.

Psychologists have this paper you have the "option" of signing,
but if you don't, none of your records will even be released at all,
you would have to ask about that though, not sure if all policies are the same.

I'm out of order here, but why the anxiety around having to
tell someone everything? Is it the above worries about
your parents/school/health records finding out, or is there more than that?

Your initial concern was guilt; are you able to identify that for yourself?

Also, I think this is very important,

Are you still thinking about commiting suicide?

Few questions I just want you to go through and think about here....

1. Do you have a plan?

2. Do you know when and how you are going to carry this out?

3.When you think about committing suicide, have you ever gotten the urge to "get up" and go do it?
If so, how far did you go, and what stopped you?

To know where you are could save your life.
Do you feel like it's not worth it anymore?
What images run through your mind, and what thought,
hurt/pain sticks out the most?

And I fear overloading you here, so I'll ask about this last line.

"Again, sorry for taking up the space on this board. I know you all have better things to do than talk to me.
So how are you anyway?
Bye. "

Man, you have so much craziness going on in your life, and it surprizes me to see you feeling "selfish" for asking for some help with your load. Do you feel you are not worth it? If so, how come?

Yeah, this was a lot, I hope you eventually are able to feel comfortable enough to allow yourself the opportunity to have someone truly listen to you, and I strongly advise you to find people in your life that can. We as humans are not meant to go through this stuff alone, ya know?

Take care.

If there's one thing that I know has helped me, it's that I have to face my fears if they are becoming plain and obvious to me that they are impeding me in some way. I've started to recognize some fears of my own and I am still uncertain as to what to do to deal with them, but I do know that talking to someone about it helps out a lot. Try going back to the counselor again. Do what I did and write down what you're going through and either show it to the counselor or mail it to them and request an appointment. Though I'd just make the appointment upright then bring in your list to show to the counselor, and come up with ways to try and solve your problems.

I'm actually thinking of doing the same again when I make a counseling appointment in the next few weeks or so, mainly since I tend to get so nervous talking to other people face to face about my problems that I think I might leave some things out or do something so that the problem doesn't get solved correctly or at all.

We'll be here for you all the way.

Hello Music,

We're here to care, and we've got a safe place to vent. I hope there is a home CBT team there who can come out and help you.

Take care,

Rhiannon

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.
I'm sorry that you feel that way too.
The weight does feel literally crushing at times, but I've managed to keep it under wraps for 5 years, so I think I can conceal it further (even if it DOES keep on building and getting worse).
Also, even though I had 5/6 sessions with the counciller, I can't see myself ever building up trust with her. I find it really hard to trust people, even the people closest to me...but then again, I find it harder to talk about things with those closest to me than with a complete stranger, so maybe it could happen.

Once again, thankyou for reading my stupidly long post and for replying to it.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.

Erm, I'm going to try and reply to this bit by bit, but seeing as I dont know how to use quotes properly, it's most probably going to be one big paragraph. Sorry.

- I just feel as if the doctor is going to judge me. Or think that I'm completely insane. Or think that I'm making a big deal about nothing and then laugh about me when talking to other doctors.
- Yes I'm scared that they'd lock me up. Like when you see it on TV; padded locked isolated cells and straight jackets.
- I know it would be discriminating for a college to look down at me for being on medication. But teachers would then know about it and maybe treat me differently, and then that would draw attention to me and then other students may find out, and then all the bullying starts all over again. Also, universities mightn't want someone who has to be on medication for their mental state, and would find another reason not to accept me there.
- I don't know why I have anxiety about telling people things. I suppose I've never been one to share my emotions with others, just the type to stick a smile on my face then when I'm alone in my room, cry and stuff. But also, I don't want my parents/friends/family to think that they've done something wrong because they are the best in the world. And what's more, I'm afraid of being rejected because of it. My parents don't believe in depression and things like that, especially if you have nothing to feel "sad" about, so they may laugh or tell me to stop trying to get attention and things. And my friends could so easily push me away: they have better friends than me who they can rely on and they have their own issues to deal with, without me burdening them with mine.
- The guilt took a long LONG time to identify. But after 4 1/2 - 5 years, I understood that it was guilt. Because it felt the same as when I felt guilty about something I'd done. But without anything to actually feel guilty for. I even feel guilty for things that happen to other people when I was no where near there and not at all connected to the events.
- I no longer think of committing suicide. Because it's a burden on my parents. It's an easy way out of the pain for myself, but they may feel sad. And they'll have to fork out lots of money for everything you have to do after someone dies. It's too much for me to give them. Much easier for people if I just live and stay out of their way.
- I did try committing suicide...twice. Both times the same way (overdose of painkillers mixed with loss of lots of blood), and each time upping the dose because of the earlier fail.
- Yes I feel like it's not worth it anymore. I've felt like that for a long time. But it's worth sticking around so the people I care about don't have to suffer. I can put up with anything for them.
- I really don't have much craziness going on in my life, so I feel selfish burdening people with my emotions. There are many people who have gone through more than me and deserve the love and help much more than I do. Yeah so what I've lost close family members. So what that I've lost close friends. So what that I get bullied and sexually harrassed often. ...Some people get abused by those meant to care for them...some people haven't got parents...some people haven't got friends... so why on earth should I take away their love and help. It's too selfish, yet here I am, continuing to do it...I guess I'm just a really selfish person.

Once again, thankyou for reading my stupidly long entry and replying to it and reading this stupidly long reply. Sorry about that.

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me.
That's a really good idea. I was advised to do that ages ago, but never did. And you saying that has made me think again about maybe writing everything down and showing it to her (the counciller). However, I can't seem to explain it in writing...I just end up sounding like a moany exaggerating girl (which to be fair I most probably am. Seriously, other people have worse problems in life than me so what right do I have to feel like crap?).
Also, knowing me, I'll have it all written down but then I'll either wuss outta giving it to her, or give it to her then not answer any questions on it.
Yeah I get nervous talking to people face to face about emotions and other things - I get that horrible catch in my throat and chest - but I get that even when typing things like this.
I'm just such a coward when it comes to things like this. I can stand tall in a fist fight and not get scared, but try and talk to me about things, and I'd be very likely to run away (seriously...it's happened before).

But thank you anyway. And thanks for reading and replying and then reading this. Also thanks for saying that you'll be there for me...it means a lot.

Musicrulesme