[AmanTravelling]

I'm not very good as a husband or dad.
Yesterday something hit me and I don't know what; it happens now and again but usually in winter.
My son might not get into the university he wants and it turns out it's my fault for not guiding him right.
My daughter isn't playing music as good as she can because of my attitude.
My wife spent an hour in tears this morning because she thought I was OK but now I'm depressed again - she started a new life by going back to university today and I'm ruining it for her.
I'm supposed to be working just now but I have just wasted 5 hours staring into space worrying about nothing.
I need to move on and let them live a better life.

[Rohag]

Hello, AmanTravelling! It seems you are assuming an enormous load of responsibility for the feelings and even achievements of your family. By no means do I challenge the reality of your feelings; you feel the way you feel. I am curious, though: as far as you can discern, how did you come to so keenly feel this way about your family members? Have they told you? Did someone else tell you? Were you raised to see yourself responsible for the feelings and success of others?

Of course, there's no need to share anything you don't want here. I personally am skeptical of the possibility of simply reasoning one's way out of depression (hasn't worked for me, at least). Nevertheless, I hope any attempt to think about things will grant you a degree of clarity in your struggle with possible courses of action.

[sick]

your family will carry a greater sadness a greater burden in their heart if you left take care of you and your depression okay get well for them

[shezbut]

I can understand your perspective a little, AmanTravelling.

I held similar thoughts a couple of years ago in my world. I thought that the world would be much better off without me ~ especially my family. That I was holding them down, being such a huge burden in their lives. I recall the intense emotion very well.

What I could not forsee was beginning to come out of that funk with my kids. To hear them say that they love me ~ without someone telling them to do so. Without me saying it first. That high of mine occurred about a week ago. What a high it was too! I could not have predicted that would occur. as when I was in my low, I was absolutely convinced that no one could love me. If I heard it from someone, I became angry & immediately presumed that they were full of beans. But now that I have worked years to win back my girls' attention & respect (and it has not been easy!), I can see that they truly mean it. With that, I cannot hurt my girls by causing more pain. They've endured too much already.

I'm not done re-building my life, as you can see. I still have strong feelings against myself. Maybe I always will ~ I don't know. But I am working to re-build.

I'd recommend that you start with re-building yourself as well. You may need to start with hospitalization. Or, maybe a new med is the beginning for you. Please do see a doc today though. You need help to get through the misery.

Very best wishes for you!

[AmanTravelling]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Hello, AmanTravelling! It seems you are assuming an enormous load of responsibility for the feelings and even achievements of your family. By no means do I challenge the reality of your feelings; you feel the way you feel. I am curious, though: as far as you can discern, how did you come to so keenly feel this way about your family members? Have they told you? Did someone else tell you? Were you raised to see yourself responsible for the feelings and success of others?

Of course, there's no need to share anything you don't want here. I personally am skeptical of the possibility of simply reasoning one's way out of depression (hasn't worked for me, at least). Nevertheless, I hope any attempt to think about things will grant you a degree of clarity in your struggle with possible courses of action.

I'm not responsible - but my influence is (was) negative, and that is what I want to protect them from.
I told my wife how I felt and she forbid me leaving (thank goodness)
I spoke to my children too - they say they need me although they said they weren't sure what for - we also escape using humour.
I was in bed when my son left for school on Monday and he thought I was asleep. I caught him just watching with a sad face then he left for school - I new he cared for me. (tears again!)
I'm staying and my family want me to tell them stuff sooner.
Thanks for talking.

[AmanTravelling]

Originally Posted by sick

your family will carry a greater sadness a greater burden in their heart if you left take care of you and your depression okay get well for them

Thanks, You're right. I said in another reply how I've moved on a little.

[AmanTravelling]

Originally Posted by shezbut

I can understand your perspective a little, AmanTravelling.

I held similar thoughts a couple of years ago in my world. I thought that the world would be much better off without me ~ especially my family. That I was holding them down, being such a huge burden in their lives. I recall the intense emotion very well.

What I could not forsee was beginning to come out of that funk with my kids. To hear them say that they love me ~ without someone telling them to do so. Without me saying it first. That high of mine occurred about a week ago. What a high it was too! I could not have predicted that would occur. as when I was in my low, I was absolutely convinced that no one could love me. If I heard it from someone, I became angry & immediately presumed that they were full of beans. But now that I have worked years to win back my girls' attention & respect (and it has not been easy!), I can see that they truly mean it. With that, I cannot hurt my girls by causing more pain. They've endured too much already.

I'm not done re-building my life, as you can see. I still have strong feelings against myself. Maybe I always will ~ I don't know. But I am working to re-build.

I'd recommend that you start with re-building yourself as well. You may need to start with hospitalization. Or, maybe a new med is the beginning for you. Please do see a doc today though. You need help to get through the misery.

Very best wishes for you!

Thanks - I don't think the world would be better without me. I just thought that my family would be as I said above to another who helped me.
Thank you for all that say to help - I know deep down that I will be a man that they can be proud of - I hope I can lead them to a happy future.
My son said he loved me just in the way he looked on Monday - I still have hope.

[lynn P.]

That's great news Amantravelling. Good to know you're not feeling so low anymore and you realize your son loves and you want to make your family proud...I'm sure you will! Very heart warming to hear you say these statements. Hope is priceless.

[(JD)]

Do you think you might have "SAD" (seasonal affective disorder}? Generally that grabs you during the less-light months (such as not summer) and one help for it is a white light lamp specially made for giving you the light your body needs to make the chemicals that help keep you feeling well.



You know, sticking around is good. It's never too late to say you goof and are trying to be better. It also gives them an example to follow, to keep trying and not to quit. Ask them to share more with you, too, about what they need for support.

Be well.

[Travelinglady]

Of all things, my 19 year old son (home from college for the summer) told me last month that I was "not a good mother" and intimated that he was chosing girls beneath him because of how he'd been brought up. Of course, that upset me, especially since I had decided a long time ago that I would not commit suicide because of the negative effects it would have on my children!

He apologized almost immediately afterwards, I do have to say, but it still really hurt. I told him that I had done the best I could, had been in therapy for years, etc. (I'm bipolar with fibromyalgia and other physical health problems.)

I think we need to remember that most all kids, at least in their teens and twenties, want to blame their parents for all sorts of what they see as bad about their lives. I know I did--and truthfully rightly so, but we need to take responsibility for our own failings at some point and get to work on them.

I'm now reading Laura Schlessinger's book "Bad Childhood Good Life." In it she encourages adults to give up their "poor me" mentality.....I'm not going to give it to my son yet, while he's still mad, but I hope one day he'll see it lying around and pick it up.

Yes, some kids are better off without their messed-up parents, but I think most of us, even with mental problems, do the best we can and are loved and needed!

[madisgram]

hey man, none of us have the power to make ppl feel the way they do. i concede we may be a part of how they feel or succeed but the burden is not on you to carry the whole load of whether they succeed in their endeavors, etc. you can focus on you and improve what you can about yourself and depression, but i don't buy into their blame, just me.
if they choose to keep this logic the blame falls clearly on their individual shoulders.

[sunsetsunrise]

Hey Aman. I am sorry for your pain. Sounds huge. And its not your fault. But of course getting help may be your responsability. Have you thought about psychotherpy and getting on some good meds? For some, ney many, people its a life saver. You deserve to feel good about who you are. Have you seen a pdoc to see if meds would help? And are you in therapy to try to figure out how to heal whatever is going on??? hey, you deserve that !!!!!!!!