[Elana05]

One wounded part for me is in regard to work, career, life-passion etc.

I have had the realization lately that a lot of my depression presents itself with this loop that plays around and around (and around) in my head. It says, "you aren't doing it right, you need to be doing things differently, you should be doing X and not Z right now."
And really the "shoulds" are geared toward two people: my dad and his wife. In my mind the voices belong to them mostly. But the voice also alternates between being mine and being theirs.
So...
I realize I feel pretty OK if I am doing things for myself or my partner: cleaning the house, buying groceries, taking care of our pets, doing my artwork, or even studying some of my old textbooks in preparation (I hope) of going back to grad school some day. Those things are like a "free zone."
It is simply when I venture to the thoughts of anything "outside" of myself or our home: an outside career, a simple low-wage job, even volunteering. I freeze up completely. My heart turns to ice. I shrivel up into a ball. I feel sick and worthless, hopeless, lower than anything, angry, depressed and then especially angry at myself because I am not "functioning" and seem "lazy."

So in an effort to "fix things" lately I have been *trying* in my mind to meld the two areas of the things I enjoy on my own and things that are related to "outside."

Where I get caught up in this area is:
I don't know who I am doing things for, making an effort for.

As an example:
I recently found a volunteer position online that sounded interesting.
But an hour later I realized in the back of my mind I was methodically forming out how I was going to tell my dad about it and how important this would be to him.
My relationship to this thing again took the back burner.
It's like as soon as I begin thinking about these "outside" things: work, career, job etc.
It is NOT mine anymore. It belongs to someone else. I am not my own anymore, I belong to someone else. The things I do at home are good. The things I do outside are hurtful. I can pretend they are helpful to me but... well it apparently it doesn't even last very long. Pretty soon it is all about everyone else. I don't own it anymore.

I mean, I know there are benefits to doing things for another person until you can do them for yourself. It is one of the reasons I finally got the therapy: for my partner. But I knew she had my best interest in mind and it turned out to be the best thing for me (of course).

But my dad has really hurt me in the past. To some extent his wife has too, but this is more complicated. A lot of it comes from her "views" on work that I know are important to her. Basically that if one isn't working or at least trying, one is being lazy.
So when I do these things for him, or for his wife. It definitely feels... well like I disappear.

I just don't know how to get around these feelings. Except to take them to therapy.
Just wondering if anyone could relate to this issue of "losing yourself" in a hurtful way.

E

[Gus1234U]

{{{{{Elana}}}}} sadly, much of our early childhood conditioning is around "social roles",,, sounds like you got a double dose of this. what do you think would happen if you were to go back and imagine you were being prepared for a job, an education, a career ? say the things to you that you know would be appropriate for that life, imagine yourself growing up with parents who say those things to you, and support you in that ? guided, even self-guided imagery is a very powerful tool for rebuilding lost or never gained life skills. wishing you the best,, in your Quest~!! Gus

[Rohag]

Hi, Elana05!

I frequently experience depressive volitional paralysis when contemplating potential activities. Unfortunately, my mind is adept at concealing any thoughts associated with this. I'm glad you can at least identify the mental path by which your planning becomes entangled with others' expectations.

Some therapists -- I think -- might call what you are describing an example of "weak psychological boundary strength" or "enmeshment."

[notz]

I just don't know how to get around these feelings. Except to take them to therapy.
Just wondering if anyone could relate to this issue of "losing yourself" in a hurtful way.

IMHO, I haven't found a reliable way to get around feelings. Like a spot of mercury, break it apart for awhile, focus on it and then it goes back to the larger piece. Each segment of work is beneficial toward a more finished product. Doesn't make it feel any better in the middle of it though.

I have done "many things" in the hopes that one person or persons will give me the validation I feel the need to have, in order to be a complete human being. "Many things" seldom gave me what I wished for. "Many things" sometimes gave me what I did not count on.

JME, it's easy to lose yourself. Easy enough to do it in a hurtful way. Easy enough to do it in a good way, too. Art, music, sports, exercise. All in how you do it.

Elena, you are a smart woman. Therapy and you will sort all this through. Throw in a little PC and nothing will stop you.

[justfloating]

((((((((Elana))))))))))


I can ABSOLUTELY relate. I'm dealing with this problem too. It's really tough. No matter how many times I tell myself (and my counsellor tells me, and my friends tell me) that my parents' desires don't have to be MY desires, I just freeze up. I can't think of my future without worrying about how my parents will react to it. Every life decision I have made thus far has been, in some way, about THEM, about what THEY want and how THEY feel and what THEY think. I went to university because I was groomed for it, I never really had a choice. I went into a program my parents approved of but that I can barely stomach. I came very close to applying for law school because my dad has wanted me to be a lawyer pretty much since I was born (it was his dream for himself that was never realized, hence the whole "living vicariously through my kids" thing). The first time I told him that WASN'T what I wanted to do, I had a complete breakdown and I couldn't stop crying for hours -- BUT, it was incredibly freeing too.

My parents are a lot like your dad's wife. If I'm not doing something "productive" (by their definition), I MUST be being lazy. It has reached the point where I hate being at home because if I happen to be watching tv, even if I spent all day doing things for my family (I help my grandparents out a lot -- 70% of my time goes to them whenever I'm in town) because what I've been doing has no material value I need to jump straight into something productive like studying or researching grad schools for them to be happy. It took a LOT of explaining for them to understand that my lack of energy, my need to stay in bed locked away from the rest of the world sometimes and my inability to concentrate or follow through on a lot of tasks is due to an illness I can't control and not innate laziness.

Now, I'm finishing my undergraduate degree mostly because my parents would be incredibly disappointed if I didn't despite the fact that this program makes me incredibly unhappy and severely triggers my depression. I'm fighting off their urging to apply to teacher's college after this degree -- because teaching is a parent-approved career -- while I try to finish my applications for Master of Fine Arts programs in creative writing, like I've wanted all along. Going to teacher's college makes me feel physically sick to my stomach, and I know it's not what I want to do with my life, and I'd be MISERABLE because it's simply not my niche, but part of me is tempted to do it just to get some release from those voices. The trouble is, if it's not one thing with them, it's another. None of us is ever going to live up to those voices, or in many cases our parents' expectations. It's taken a LOT of therapy (and an entire ocean between my parents and I) for me to be able to put my foot down and do what I want for the first time in four years, if not my entire life. But I have to believe it's the only thing that's going to help me lick this depression for good. The voices in my head -- the judgemental ones the depression throws at me just to hit me when I'm down -- sound EXACTLY like my parents. I can imagine what they'd think of me for everything from my eating habits to my study schedule to the fact that today I simply couldn't make myself go to class because I was too overwhelmed. I forget all the good things about myself, all the things I'm proud of, like I'm seeing myself through this extra judgemental filter or something. Anyway I'm not really sure what the answer is for shutting them out, but this is my long, rambling way of saying that I totally understand what you're going through and if you figure out how to banish those voices, let me know

[dil5077]

Originally Posted by Elana05

As an example:
I recently found a volunteer position online that sounded interesting.
But an hour later I realized in the back of my mind I was methodically forming out how I was going to tell my dad about it and how important this would be to him...I don't own it anymore.
Just wondering if anyone could relate to this issue of "losing yourself" in a hurtful way.

Hi Elana, I can totally relate to losing myself in this way. It's not the same players or situations, but it's something I return to in therapy.

I was glad to read your post. What stood out in the above box is that you were going to tell your Dad about it. Is it an option to not tell your dad? That is certainly one way to own it. Perhaps it will grow strong in you so that when you do disclose things, you do own it completely.

To be honest, when I lose myself, I nap. Like an infant, I retreat. My partner gives me good support & space for this, I'm very lucky. But God, I wear myself out getting to that place where I know I've lost myself. I think, and I suspect you have done this in some areas, that this is a step forward, step back solution. Where you try out a new tactic to see if that works (as far as doing things outside the home). I wish you well and hope to hear more.
Stephen

[googley]

I just have hugs today.