need to vent

Well I've taken my first step and made an appointment to see my doctor, but I have to wait til the 20th of this month.

I've had depression on and off since I was about 16. I'm now 29. The depression has gotten pretty bad for about the past 2 months, pretty much nonstop. I'd have my good days though, but the past 2 weeks I've had periods where I've felt low every single day. Along with that my head hurts so bad. This past year I've had alot of stressful situations come into my life which I'm sure contribute to this. My grandmother died, I'm going to be a father in a couple months, and I'm in a relationship only because of the baby. Now I'm obssessing over a previous relationship. This pattern is typical of all my relationships. I end up in one, become unhappy, and obssess over a past relationship.

I've thought maybe I'm bipolar, my father was. I'm also a pretty shy person and social situations tend to scare me. I feel I've had to deal with these issues for too long and its become so bad lately I want to get help. I'm just frustrated, it feels like I cant escape stress. I am trying to cope with it, I've started a journal so I can look back at my mood patterns. I also work nights so that might contribute to it. I want to be able to talk to people about this but sometimes I just think they dont want to listen or i'll scare them because i'll sound obssessive.

I need some friends that will listen, I feel like I have shut myself out from my friends.

Well thanks for listening.

Welcome bgrar

Good for you to take that first big step of making your appointment. Be proud of yourself as that is the hardest step to take.

You are going through a lot right now and you have found a great group of people to be there for you. Keep posting and let your feelings come out.

We are all here for you.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

Thanks Heather. Nice to now that people are out there willing to listen.

i worry about everything, so much so that thoughts go spinning through my head and I cant stop them, it causes my head to feel cloudy and hurt.

I worry and stress about money, my job, what people think about me, what people would think if i told them i had these problems, i worry about getting old, i worry that i've yet to accomplish anything in my life, i worry that i wont accomplish anything, i worry that i'll never marry and end up alone, i worry that i'm not gonna be a good father....

Then there are the times that its like my problems dont exist, its like i go into a "fantasy world" where things are different and everything is great and i almost talk myself into believing it. I find it strange that i do that.

If anyone cares to read my livejournal, i've just started it but guess it offers some insight, let me know.

Hi there bgrar

Worry is my middle name . I had a constant flow of "what ifs" going through my mind day in and day out. What helped me was going on Celexa (antidepressant) and therapy. I have been learning to control those negative worries and turn them into positives. It doesn't happen overnight but it does happen.

The Celexa (for me) was helpful in clearing my mind so what I learn in therapy was able to "sink in" better to me. Now when something worriesome starts to happen, I am able to put the spin on it....for example : I will be in a store and feel like someone is staring at me. I used to worry that they would think I was weird/strange/something on my face/ you know what I mean eh? ........what I did was to take that and say to myself now - maybe they like my hairstyle?....maybe I look familiar to them? see what I mean? Instead of worrying about what they think - I change the inner dialogue to something positive.

Your fantasy world you describe is very normal.....it is what us anxiety sufferers imagine what life is like. Don't try to fight those thoughts...work towards them.

What is your address of your blog? There are a couple other posters that just started them too.

Take care and keep posting


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

Hi there
Welcome to our forums,
You said you want to be able to talk to people about this but sometimes you just think they don't want to listen or you'll scare them because you'll sound obsessive. . .
Well, not here you won't, you talk about it here if you wish there are plenty of people that won't mind at all to listen, and that is what support forums are for There are many of us that are dealing with the same or similar things you are and together we can all make these emotions, depressions, stress and anxieties a much lighter load to carry.
These forums became a refuge from the world around me that just did not understand, talking with members here you'll will find most of us do understand and may even be able to share some of their ways of getting through this.
You did the right thing making an appt. to get professional help, it is the best way to go in order for you to find out exactly what and if you have a disorder and if necessary what meds. you may need to get the chemistry back on the right track, it won't hurt, knowing this alone alleviates a lot of stress of wondering what is wrong, giving you a direction of what you will need to do. If this is your fisrst time going to therapy and/or a pdoc, you may feel nervous and all but it will go away, especially once you meet the person you'll be working with.
Take care, and know you are welcome
"darkeyes"

In giving advice seek to help, not please your friend
SOLON

Congratulations on taking the step to get help! That is a huge accomplishment! I'm very sad when I hear of your struggles. These things can be controlled and helped by therapy in medication in a lot of people. I do know of cases where nothing helps, but you have an empty canvas in front of you to fill up with helps and recovery knowledge. I believe you will succeed with some outside help. I needed outside help and am doing much better. The therapy process has taken 7 years so far. I am growing every step of the way and get outside feedback from others saying they see growth. That's always good to get feedback because you can't always see your own growth. Keep that in mind as you endeavor on recovering. Sometimes you can't see growth in yourself, but it's still there.

Hope this helps.

Willow

The link to my livejournal is here:

<A target="_blank" HREF=http://seezar.livejournal.com> link here </A>

almost all the entries are set to be read by friends only, but if anyone wants to read the entries I have no problems with making them friends. Dont know if anyone is interested or if it would help in any way, but its there. It is really the first time I've started recording my thoughts and feelings. I find it interesting to look back at my entries and see the changes in emotion.

Welcome to the forums bgrar.
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

Hi bg

I can relate... more than I'd like to admit, but hey, here we all are... let's do some good for each other if we can. Nice to meet you.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Well thanks all for the warm welcome, its been a crazy ride lately and sometimes I wonder to myself if I'm just imagining all thats been happening to me in my head. Its so confusing but I'm doing my best to figure it out. I hope I'm able to give back as much as I might be able to be helped out by these forums.