What do do when suicidal?

This is very similar to another thread I started entitled "No Help Left," or something similar, so I apologize, but I still need help regarding this issue, and I am really hoping someone here can help me.

What can I do if I am feeling suicidal? Hospitalization is not an option. I've been hospitalized twice, and neither time helped at all. The ER is not an option; I went once voluntarily, and they basically were no help. The second time I landed in the ER they dragged me off to jail because I was under the influence of drugs and alcohol and unruly. (I discussed that in a different thread.)

I have no family to talk to. My husband barely speaks to me, which is one of the reasons for my worsening depression. I have three kids, ages 13, 12, and 9, and of course I can't talk to them.

I'd been in therapy here, a new town (i.e., a different one from where I went to the ER and was hospitalized), but the therapy kind of "blew up" last January when my therapist got very confrontational about partial hospitalization, and I canceled all subsequent appointments. I haven't spoken to her since that day.

I truly feel like I have nowhere to turn.

Ugh; just realized I made a typo in the thread title. Sorry.

Hello, AvidReader. When treatment did not seem to be working for me and I thought I had tried all other sources of help, I made the decision to put my fears and ego aside to the extent I could and start over in treatment. I knew I was not getting better left to my own devices. I asked my general practitioner to refer me to a psychiatrist and therapist.

The first thing I said at the appointments was, "Please help me." Implicit in my request was my commitment to listening more carefully to what I was hearing, following the advice given and working to believe I could get better.

Hello, AvidReader! Did your bad experiences at the ER happen at the same ER? What about the hospitalizations? Could you turn to a different facility?

Crisis Resources

PsychCentral's Suicide and Crisis links page
Doc John's Suicide Resources short list
Metanoia
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK
Samaritans.org - UK & Republic of Ireland
Crisis Centres in Canada interactive map
Lifeline Australia 13 11 14
New Zealand Helplines
World-Wide Suicide & Crisis Hotlines
Suicide Prevention, Awareness, and Support
Kristin Brooks Hopeline – Get Help Now
Suicide Forum
Lynn P.’s Concise List of Crisis Advice

the first thought i had was for you to call a crisis hotline.
but avidreader i have some other thoughts for consideration:

when I was trying in my case to deal with major depression alone my results were nil. my brain was worn out from trying. i resisted getting help tho why i can't explain now. i guess i was in denial about my MI. i ended up going down further.
the only way i improved was hospitalization, therapy, meds and seeing a pdoc. for me the efforts proved successful. i'm sure there are other places near you that you might consider to try out for help. not all hosps., therapists, or pdocs are all they are cracked up to be. there were times i had to look elsewhere when the help wasn't up to par. tho there were times i saw a substandard T or pdoc due to finances. i made myself forge ahead anyway cause help was better than no help at all. i couldn't fight anymore for my life by myself.
i encourage you to not shoot yourself in the foot. it sounds like you need help too. i view it as throwing as much spaghetti on the wall and some will stick.
i guess the question is, are you willing to have an open mind and then do the part of the footwork required on your part? not busting you. i know your cry for help is sincere.
just my thoughts on the subject, just me.

Many thanks to you all, so much, for the kind and thoughtful responses. You have all brought up some good points.

Rohag, yes, I am in a different location, and thus would be going to a different ER, so perhaps I should not be so quick to dismiss the ER as an option when the suicidal feelings start to get unbearable.

Byzantine and Madisgram, you both made me realize that perhaps pride and/or a reluctance to really work on my issues is standing in my way. I think that might be the case.

One of the problems is that we've moved so many times. I've been in therapy in four different states now. The thought of starting yet again with a new therapist is exhausting. And yet, sitting here at home, feeling miserable, clearly isn't doing me any good.

I do have a great GP, so I likely will take your suggestion, Byzantine, and ask him for a recommendation.

Many thanks again to you all, and to all the kind folks here at PC. Not sure what I'd go without this site!

P.S. Thanks for the crisis resources, Rohag!

I hope this doesn't sound mean, because I don't mean it that way at all, but my first thought when I read your post was that maybe your therapist (the one you had the blow out with) saw a way that hospitalization might help you but you maybe weren't ready to hear it. Now it sounds like you are more open to that.

I only bring it up because I'm like that too--there's nothing I wanted LESS than to be in a psych hospital and I freaked out when it happened. But once I was there it was like this 40-ton weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I didn't have to pretend anymore that I was better than I was.

It's not as awful as people think. I mean, it's not like a vacation at the shore or anything, but it really can help by removing you from the chaos for awhile and redoing your meds in a controlled setting. You don't have to cook or even look good, just brush your teeth, stay out of trouble, eat. (I managed two of those three.)

Good suggestions here. I'm hoping you are turned around and feeling better soon. Be aware that if you tell your GP you are suicidal you might end up in hospital, depending on where you live. In some states it's required, but as I said, it isn't as bad as all that. Good luck.

AvidReader,
I have done partial hospitalizations a few times, and although I was initially not thrilled about the idea, it has always proved to be amazingly helpful for me. The combination of structure, intensive therapy and med management, support from the other group members, etc, etc... has turned my depression around more than once. In my own life, there are times when I get to the point where what I am doing is obviously not working, and I need to surrender and recieve help from others. This is what has been helpful for me. I obviously don't know what exactly will be right for you, but I hope that you can find a way to be open to receiving the support and care of others, whatever that ends up looking like. Depression, especially when one is feeling suicidal, is too much to handle by ourselves. I wonder if there are more options out there than depression is allowing you to see?

peace,
garden gal

Thanks (again), so much.

pgrundy, your post didn't sound mean. I think you are right; I just wasn't ready to hear what my therapist was saying. But I feel she irreparably damaged the therapeutic alliance by pushing it so hard, esp. in a combined session with my husband. (We were seeing her for couples therapy as well -- that was probably a mistake.) My two inpatient hospitalizations were just so unhelpful that I feel hopeless about it ever being a positive experience.

Gardengal, thanks for your input on partial hospitalization. Maybe I should give it a try, although since my kids get out of school for the summer in a couple of weeks it won't be a viable option 'til the fall.

I'm waiting back to hear from my GP about his recommendations, and then I'll get back into therapy ASAP. I'm clearly not doing myself any good by sitting at home stewing in my own depressive brew.

Just had to add -- pride gets in my way, too. I hate asking for help, and I've had to do it so many times. I guess I'd like to think I could just handle this all on my own. I obviously can't.

(((AvidReader))) I can relate. I do not usually like to ask for help either. I was brought up in a household where it was better to be completely self-sufficient. I have prided myself on it. But it made it harder to ask for help when depression got unbearable. It is odd to think that it is counterintuitive. That it might be a stronger thing to reach out and ask for help. That when one thing doesn't work you might have to try a different thing or if one person doesn't "get it" you might have to explain it a different way or find someone else... I guess it just comes down to, at the end of the day, medication and therapy are the best ways to treat severe depression. I have come up against this too. I was diagnosed for four years before even starting medication (I was going to fix it by myself).

OK, put a call in to my GP, whom I really like and whose opinion I firmly believe I can trust....and he's out of town 'til Monday and will call early next week. But if I've waited this long (since Jan.), I guess I can give it a few more days!