[Rapunzel]

Maybe it's stress. All of my classes had something due today, including a test in Personality Theory. I got it all done and handed in, and only missed 4 points out of 65 on the test (it will work out to be an A- depending on how the essay questions go - they weren't graded yet, but I felt good about them). I guess I'm okay with not having a perfect score on the test as long as I get an A in the class, and since I get A's on all the homework I still expect to be able to do that. I really want straight A's this semester.

This morning I just couldn't wake up all the way. I took Tylenol PM last night since there have been a couple of nights in the last week that I couldn't sleep, and my T told me to take something when I have a test the next day, since sometimes I sabotage myself by not sleeping. That stuff takes 2 hours to start working (I took it at 9), and then knocks me out for a good 10 hours after it kicks in. That's only taking one pill. And I couldn't get people to leave me alone and let me wake up gradually (let the drug wear off), so I was irritable all day because of that.

I tried to brush my hair sometime this morning and didn't have the energy for it. Went and laid down, and I remember hearing the clock and thinking it must be 10 or 11, then looked at a clock after a little while and it was 1:30! And I still had studying to do and homework.

Interviewing and counseling class was about confronting incongruities. I've got plenty of experience with that from the client side, and almost wanted to talk about some of those experiences, but not sure I wanted to admit my problems to the class. Most of the time when my incongruities have been confronted it was memorable, but not particularly positive or helpful. One example was one of my earlier therapists. The last time I saw him one of the things he threw at me was how I had talked about a suicide attempt but smiled while talking about it. He didn't point it out in a nice way or offer any help understanding it - more like threw it at me, making a point about how something didn't add up. I never understood that smile. I did bring that up in class, but didn't say it was me, and asked why someone would smile in a situation like that (most likely they are nervous). Another incongruity my current T couldn't resist: he had asked me how old my sisters are. I started figuring it out - "I'm 2 1/2 years older than one and she's 1 1/2 years older than the next, who must be 29. We're all 29 then!" He had to stop me and point out the logic error there. If he had been paying attention in the past he would have remembered that I choose not to use numbers beyond 29 when referring to my age.

Well, I guess I'm doing a little better now, but I'm worried that I might be slipping again. I was thinking on the way home from class and realized that I have a hard time admitting it if I need help or attention. Even here, I'm more likely to include a story of my own when responding to someone else, but I rarely start my own thread. I really wanted to call someone today, but couldn't think of anyone to call. Sometimes I call someone about whatever I can think of, but I can't say that I really just need to talk or I need a friend. I don't have any real life friends who are like that, so I'm always disappointed that they don't really talk to me and sound so busy and in a hurry to get back to what they were doing. But if anyone asks how I'm doing the only answers I can ever give are "fine" or "okay." Why is that?

Don't worry about me, okay? I'm doing better now. I think that telling someone that I had a bad day is a pretty big step for me, even if it's just here.

Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

I know when I am expecting to do something important I can't sleep well the night before, the brain just goes into overdrive with thoughts and I toss and turn.

I gather from your post something that you were smiling while talking-

"The last time I saw him one of the things he threw at me was how I had talked about a suicide attempt but smiled while talking about it."

As you are studying for a psychiatric degree, I think one of the things they probably look at is emotions of the therapist, in other words the therapist cant display things like shock, disgust etc to things a client says or I imagine it could be very detrimental to the client.

"Even here, I'm more likely to include a story of my own when responding to someone else, but I rarely start my own thread. I really wanted to call someone today, but couldn't think of anyone to call. Sometimes I call someone about whatever I can think of, but I can't say that I really just need to talk or I need a friend. I don't have any real life friends who are like that, "

Same here to a tee, I simply do not go over to someone's house to just "visit" nor call just to talk.

[SeptemberMorn]

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

"I really wanted to call someone today, but couldn't think of anyone to call."

Boy do I relate to that!! Even if I can think of someone, I immediately start thinking of why I don't want to talk to them. And if I do call someone... either the phone is busy or they're not home.

I take Tylenol PM, too, sometimes when I've messed up my sleep pattern somehow. Two's my dose, though. It acts pretty much the same way with me. Zonks me out for a good 10 hours but it sure doesn't take two hours to start working. I'm usually gone within half an hour. Do you drink a lot of water when you take it? They say it helps get it into your blood stream quicker.

You won't have any trouble A's-ing your classes, I'm sure.

Hey... you can always call me when you want someone to talk to. I'm never in a rush to get anywhere.

Even when you have a bad day, Wendy, you always sound so possitive. How do you manage that?

Have a nice weekend. No tests tomorrow!

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[Fuzzybear]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

**Fuzzy brings a warm fuzzy blanket to wrap round Wendy**

I'm like you ... I don't have real life friends who are there for me when I just need to talk, for me it has a lot to do with trust.

I hope this down time passes soon for you,
Love,
Fuzzy

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am thinking of you today and hope that things are a little bit brighter. We are all here for you and care about you very much....you are never alone hun.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[heidu]

Wendy,
I hope your bad day got better and your weekend is nice. It was good that you posted if normally you don't ask for help or say anything when you are hurting or need attention. Reminds me alot of myself :O/

Hang in there hon.
Big hugs sweet girl,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

[nowheretorun]

((((((((((((((((((( Wendy )))))))))))))))))))

Didn't have time to think about how to respond, just wanted to say Hang On!

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

[Rapunzel]

Randall,

Yes I am studying for a degree in psychology. Therapists are supposed to control their reactions and not appear shocked and disgusted at things that the client says, as that kind of reaction can be detrimental and disrupts what the client needs to talk about, probably sending them the message that those topics aren't acceptable. I'm learning so much now about what my prior therapists did wrong! The thing I was talking about with discussing a suicide attempt while smiling has bugged me for a long time. I didn't know it at the time, but it wasn't an actual suicide attempt. I cut my wrists, and was thinking about suicide, but didn't cut deep enough to even really bleed. (this was like 14 years ago) My therapist at the time didn't react at all when I told him. I don't think he said anything right then and I didin't think he even heard me, but weeks later he tossed that observation back at me like he was mad at me or tired of me or something. I never did like him and just never saw him again after that last visit. But I know the smile that he was talking about. It's not a normal smile, and now at least I am aware when I am doing it and I think my teacher is right about it being related to nervousness.

Thanks for your comments.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[Peanut61]

Hugs 4 (((((((((((Wendy)))))))))))...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Ty for the hug and for responding.

I'll have to remember to try drinking more water next time and see if that makes it work faster. I've tried two Tylenol PMs and that's definitely an overdose for me. Instead of making me sleep, it makes me aggitated. I feel my heart racing and even skipping and was afraid I would stop breathing. Maybe it triggered a panic attack, which is not normally something I get.

I am very skilled at hiding how I'm feeling. I had to be with my family - they were so unaccepting of emotions. The day before my incident last February, I taught the lesson in church, and I didn't know how I got through it, but everyone said I gave a good lesson, etc. The day of the incident I was so calm. I worked hard cleaning up the house (had to do something - I was really aggitated, but didn't show it) and my husband thought I was handling things really well. That was the day I had to appear in court about hitting that car in the parking lot before Christmas. I knew something was going to happen. I was saving up pills and had been planning to take them with me and overdose there, but all the pill bottles were too loud so I left them home. I wore a long-sleeved jacket with sleeves too tight to push up so that I couldn't rip at my arms, and was careful not to have any sharp things (but can't leave my fingernails at home). My face wasn't covered though, so that was what I shredded, and my leg, and also tried to break my arms and legs by slamming them in the truck door. But up until the point where I lost it, I looked like I was doing just fine. I know I shouldn't post this. It was 8 months ago though (and two days).

I'm really doing much better today than yesterday. Today was spinning guild, so I got out of the house and around people, and have been taking a break from studying. No more tests for about a week and a half.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Fuzzy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for the warm blanket and hugs.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks. I think your positive thoughts and care just might be working.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}

It's hard to ask for help, but it does help. You've been a good example lately. I hope you're having a good weekend.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{Darrel}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for letting me know that you are there. It's always nice to know that someone cares.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Peanut}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I appreciate your hugs.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[SeptemberMorn]

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

I can't pretend to know what it's like to hurt inside so bad that you feel you have to hurt yourself physically. All I know is that it's supposed to ease the emotional pain. I don't know what to say... all I can think of is "You're much too precious to do that to yourself." It's probably wrong... I'm sorry if it is, but that's how I feel. My heart cries for you... and even if it's all soggy right now, be sure it's with you.

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>



<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[bevers]

((((((( hug))))))

I can understand the bad day, the extra tiredness. Hurting myself
I haven't thought of ... But I can say I have thought about taking pills.
Except I stop myself and remind myself that it wouldn't be me I am
hurting it would be my family and friends.... They are the ones who
suffer...
So I just turn into a hermit and sleep alot.....

Please remember to turn to you support group like you did now, that
shows alot of strength right there,,,, or at least thats what everyone
tells me......
We are here for you.....
GO find something fun you like to do,,, or go exercise, it will help get
the endorphines working
Remember your not alone..

Please Take Care....

Bevers

[PlanningtoLive]

I'm sorry seems very inadequate, but you know how much I care about you. I'm glad that all happened a long time ago...you need a shoulder, just holler.

xoxoxo

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I don't know why I told you all that. For me, that was what it took to break out of the pattern I was in. I was stuck, and for two months the only thing I ever thought about was suicide. I wasn't in therapy and didn't tell anyone who was close enough to do anything about it. I don't recommend what I did, but for me it worked. It really shocked people, especially my husband - he was really hurt and I will always feel horrible about hurting him like that. Two hours in jail being watched so that I couldn't do any further damage really wasn't fun either, but it scared me enough to break out of it and start getting better. I really am doing pretty good now. Probably better than at any time in my whole life. My T says I'm doing really good too. It also helped to find a goal (going back to school) and to believe that I could do something worthwhile. Losing my goal would instantly put me right back there again. I've given up once or twice and that was what happened (the depression - I didn't hurt myself like that again). That's why not doing as well as I would like on tests scares me so much.

I hope that reading about that day in February doesn't upset anyone here too much. I should have put "trigger" on that but didn't think about it. I didn't even expect that I was going to get into that story. It's been trying to get out for a while though. I really hope that everyone's okay and that nobody has been damaged by my confession. If it is a problem for any of you, I am so sorry. And it's fine if you don't understand. I know that some of you do understand.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{Bevers}}}}}}}}}}}}

I sincerely hope that you never do think about what I did. It is wonderful to have this support group here. Maybe it wouldn't have had to get that bad if I had known about this group back then. Thanks for the very good advice.

You take care too,
Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[SeptemberMorn]

Oh, Wendy, I know you're doing better now and I'm so glad of that. It's just knowing that you hurt so bad at one time. It's good the story got out here where others understand.

I wasn't depressed or "triggered" by it, I just hurt because you hurt... even if it was a long time ago.

It's so good to find something to bring us out of that hole, isn't it? You're so strong to keep coming back after the couple of breaks you took. That's lots to be proud of!

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

It seems like a lifetime ago, actually. Yes, I know you care. Remember that I care just as much about you also. And when you need somebody, I'm here for you too.

xoxoxox
Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[heidu]

When I am nervous I laugh. Totally inappropriate to the situation but I can't help it. I can control it usually till I can get alone but still it comes.

When people get hurt or fall I laugh. Not because I don't care or I really think it's funny (falling can be funny) but there is something in me that gets nervous or feels inadequate or something and my expression is to laugh...hysterically. When something scares me often times I laugh.
You proabably have the same feelings or reasons but your's comes out in a smile. At least your's is quieter :O)

I am sorry too that you have had to experience so much pain. I think it gives us something though when we suffer like that. It shows us a place we never want to go back to again. It makes us try to find out what got us there and what we can do to stop it. I think you have come a long way in achieving that.
Big hugs wonderful lady,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

[Rapunzel]

Heidu,

Thanks for telling me that I'm not the only one who does that! As a child I laughed when someone got in trouble. I was so embarrassed, and I tried so hard to control it, but that only made it worse and people stared at me. I didn't really think it was funny. I might have been a little relieved that it was them and not me getting in trouble, but I really felt awful about showing the wrong reaction and not being able to control it. I never put it together before, but I was very nervous and very uncomfortable. So while I never managed to entirely eliminate the inappropriate expressions, I reduced it to a weird smile. That really makes sense. And I guess that a nervous smile really is not uncommon at all.

I think that we can either grow from pain and become stronger or we can let it destroy us. What happened to me was necessary for me to break out of the numbness and depression that had just kept building up over pretty much my whole life. I guess I'm glad that it happened because I don't know if I ever would have gotten any better otherwise, and because I can remember it and know that it is something I don't want to go through again.

Hugs to you too,
Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

Rapunzel, I see what you mean. That therapist sounds like a poor one...
Ok, so the smile may be nervousness, and someone else commented about nervous laughter when someone falls. I think I do that some too, but I know beside that, when I hear about something bad in the news- car wreck, building collapse, whatever, to people I don't know, will never meet etc, I either don't care or I'm glad.
Seem to be in the <1% group there, everyone else recoils in horror.

Similarly, I can eat dinner say, while browsing the web looking at totally uncensored gruesome accident photos, explosion injuries on medical sites, autopsy photos or surgery, doesn't bother me at all, again, in the <1% group there, everyone else recoils in horror.
I don't know what to make of that.