[poptardqueen]

Hi all,
I'm sorry if this is repetitative, i know I have posted something similar to this before, but I'm still in quite a bad place as far as this situation goes.
I have been seeing my current therapist for approximately 10 months. I began to see her late last January at the insistance of my Pdoc. I began the relationship rather optimistic, yet since it takes me an extremely long time to warm up to people ( especially in a case as this where I am expected to put into words things I would never otherwise) it has obviously been quiter a long, drawn out string of sessions. Over this course of almost a year, I have settled to a place where I am quite hopeless as to my outlook. I honestly feel I have hit a plateau in my therapy, and this is purely because there is so much that I hold back from her because I am deathly afraid of being put in a hospital and being rendered helpless. Though there are many things I have brought myself to divulging to her, but the first time I opened up my true feelings reguarding how truly suicidal I was she gave no no option but to call my parents and to at least let them know about my 'state of mind.' Obviously my parents freaked out and started walking on eggshells around me, which if anything has only led me to hide my feelings even more. But judging from this reaction, I am terrified to reveal several other things which I feel desperately the need to get out, yet I can't imagine what her reaction would be since these things are so much worse. First of all, she is aware that I am majorly depressed, but I know that I have given her only slight glimpses into how bad it gets. I have never told her about the hundreds of times I've mapped out how I was going to do it, and how close I have actually come to carrying it out; nor does she know what an obsession it has become in my life, to such a degree that my life almost revolves around it now to a sickening degree. I've told her about my issues with eating, and about how I starve myself and obsess extensively over how much and what I consume (and the fact that ive lost 80lbs in the past 3 years and am only 19). She had told me that she is very concerned about this, yet, once again, I have witheld the true degree to which this rules my life out of fear that she will make me stop. And a last major thing revolves around my increasing involvement with SI. I have never told her anything about how I used to cut myself back when I was 13. I remember the first session she was going down the list and asked me if i had ever purposefully hurt myself (to which I said 'no' because at the time i had only done it for about six months when i was 13 and was extremely embassased to mention it.) I want so badly to tell her, to tell someone, because i feel it is getting way out of hand. Its no longer something i purely enjoy, buth something i NEED to do, which scares me. Every time I go in there i pray for her to ask me about it, because I can never summon the courage to flat out tell her in the middle of talking about something else.
It's just so hard to get any of this out, since during most of our sessions she never seems to guide our topics to things which would lead me gradually into telling her. I don't know what to do anymore, I just need some help on deciding what to do, because I DO want to get better (i think) but I know that holding this back is never going to get me anywhere. I just hold it back in fear that it will land me in a padded room (which is probably where I belong.) I appologize for the LONG post, but thank you so much for just reading it, and if you can help, I would be quite greatful.

------Kelly-------

[Rapunzel]

Kelly,

Can you print this post and take it to her? That would be the easiest way, and then she will be able to help you with these things. I know, those topics are extremely difficult to vocalize, especially when you have not talked about them before. I've been there, and writing it down was what I had to do.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I hope you feel better soon.

Wendy (I'm in a bad place currently also - maybe if we run into each other we can help each other find the way out)

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

[Duchess]

Only you can want to get better,
Only you can open up ,
I was reading a couple of old Journals And Realized how much I hated myself when I was younger. How many GOODBYE letters I wrote.all for attention I was Lacking. From my mother or a DAD who was never around to save me. You should read Suffering,Upset,Hitting Rockbottom, In this Forum I have found people who understand me. Think about your problems..
your in control of your life.
When you feel you can't open up talk too us, we will never judge you.
If I sound like I'm being harsh, I'm sorry!
I'm just having a bad day, Bad life.
But if there was one thing I could change from my past
Is not botteling everything up! Having a VOICE.... too say what I truely felt and not thought about how I was going to tell and never did... maybe now I would be feeling better.
Music and writting brings me peace
If you need a friend we are here,
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Duchess~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

ABOUT THE NINTH HOUR JESUS CRIED OUT IN A LOAD VOICE, "ELOI,ELOI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?"~WHICH MEANS~"MY GOD, MYGOD,WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"
~MATTHEW27:46.
MY GOD,MYGOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?WHY ARE YOU SO FAR FROM SAVING ME,SO FAR FROM THE WORDS OF MY GROANING?~ PSALM 22:1

[poptardqueen]

Thanks Wendy and Duchess,
I have been trying to force myself to do just as much and fully type out everything I have never had the courage to tell mt T and handing it to her, I've just never gotten up the courage to do so. I really am thinking that it's about time I do so, seeing as otherwise I am probably wasting my (and her) time and money. I'd like to say that I plan on doing so by tomorrow for my next appointment, but I can't promise that i'll muster up the courage. Even though I very well may type it out, the hard part is actually handing it to her (since I have in the past printed out things for her, but felt silly giving them to her). At the end of the day, both of you two's advice is exactly what I need to convince myself of. I'm trying. I'm just trying to steer away from the urge to give up and revel in my misery. Wendy----I'm going to try my best to follow through with your advice, for on a logical level I know you are EXACTLY right. Thanks for the encouragement : ). Duchess----you are right, I am the ONLY person keeping me from getting better (a fact I face every day, which mostly only fuels my self loathing and depression). I'm looking for that voice so hard, it's just quite elusive these days. I try and use writing and other things as my outlet, I've just been betrayed by my journal one too many times so it's hard. More than anything just talking to people here who are or have been where I am is the most theraputic thing of all. It's so much different from talking to any therapist, because they can never look at the situation fully if they havent been there. Thank you both so much for the advice, now I just have to LISTEN to it : )

<3<3<3<3<3Hugs to you both<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

[penna]

maybe you could approach this from another direction. maybe you could try talking to your t about what she does that makes it more difficult for you to open up to her. i'm not in any way suggesting it's her fault you can't open up--i'm just saying this might be another way of working up to telling her more about what's in your head.

when you first opened up to her and told her how suicidal you were she wanted you to tell your parents. obviously, this didn't exactly motivate you to open up further. so how would you have preferred her to handle that situation? maybe that's a place you could start.

[Rapunzel]

Kelly,

You can do it. Good luck.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

[poptardqueen]

Just thought I'd tell everyone that I finally worked up the courage to write out a letter to my T. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't terrified of handing it over her in session tomorrow, but I'm hoping that I will. I didn't exactly own up to everything I have been hiding from her (mostly reguarding my increasing obsession with suicidal thoughts out of fear that I will end up in a hospital) but I did fess up to the topic of my cutting, something I have never told her anything about. I tried to give a somewhat indepth explaination of my history with it, but I can only imagine how insane and incoherent it will probably sound to her. It will be interesting seeing as after I see her tomorrow she will be gone all of next week, so I won't see her until the following tuesday. I hope the note doesn't terrify her, but I feel a little better in that I feel I was pretty honest in it's contents. Wish me luck in summoning up the courage to hand it to her. And also, if any of you have had similar experiences with divulging things such as this to your T in a letter, I'd love to hear them since I am quite wary of the outcome and impact this will have on our relationship. Thanks again ALL of you for being there, you don't know how much of a help you are at the end of the day.

<3<3<3love to you all<3<3<3<3

-Kelly-

[Rapunzel]

Kelly,

Being honest with your T is important. They can't help you if you don't tell them what is going on. Try not to worry about it as much as possible (I know, that's much easier said than done).

I write things to my T that are too hard for me to just say. He's always thanked me for the note and then we go through it and talk about it. I use e-mail too, and I have told him through e-mail about cutting as well as when I felt suicidal. He has not reacted much to those messages - I wonder if he doesn't want to encourage that stuff. But he's never mentioned hospitalization or anything drastic like that. If he does respond he usually just says thank-you for writing. This week I wrote to him and told him that I was really depressed but not cutting (the only reason I'm not is because he told me not to, and it keeps getting harder not to), and he wrote back and told me not to cut again. He has never been so direct with me before, but just has in the last week since I told him the cutting was getting worse and he seems to have decided that it was out of control.

Anyway, everything that I have experienced as a result of telling my T about those things (in a note or otherwise) has been to my benefit. I think it will go okay for you too. Good luck.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

-Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[poptardqueen]

Hey Wendy,
Thanks for the vote of confidence : ). It had honestly never occured to me to write things out to my T until recently, but I'm hoping it will be a step in the right direction as yours has been. I would definately perfer the email thing, but she's never offered up that information and I would feel a little awkward about pushing into her social life without her offering first. But for now, I'm going to try and FORCE myself to suck it up and slip it to her before the end of our session tomorrow (for I know that if I give it to her at the beginning I would feel extremely uncomfortable). The only thing I'm worried about is the everpresent hopsitalization fear, for my T has indeed almost given me that ultimatium before (which honestly has done nothing but make me put more of an effort into my facade, and be careful not to tell her anything that will get me sent there, which I know in the end is only hurting myself.) But I digress. Thank you again, and I'll try and keep you posted about how it goes : ).

-Kelly-

[Sherry52]

Kelly,

You are defininitely doing the right thing by being honest. If you are not honest, she will not be able to provide the kind of help that she will be able to by knowing the truth.

You're in my thoughts and prayers. Don't lose your courage!

Hugs,

Sherry

[poptardqueen]

Thanks for the encouragement Sherry, I actually just got back from my session with her and I actually did work up the nerve to give her the note. It must have been one of the most awkward and nerve-racking things i've ever done, but I would have felt worse had I chickened out. I literally ran out of her office to my car once I said goodbye, I couldn't stand the thought of knowing she was reading it with me there. I just got off the phone with her, she called me since she is going to be gone all of next week and won't see me. I am actually quite glad that she now knows, and it seems as if she has taken it much more rationally that I thought she would. So I am hopeful now that she knows and hasn't committed me yet, but I guess the real test will be at my appointment with her Tuesday after next. Thanks for all the support everyone, I couldn't have done it without you all. : )

[Sherry52]

Kelly,

How did things go today? Please give us an update. I've been thinking about you and hoping that you had a good session.

Hugs,

Sherry

[Sherry52]

That's great news! :-)

You were very courageous to have done what you did. I can imagine how difficult it must have been for you and I can also appreciate what you said about not wanting to be there while she read your note! I would have felt the same way. The important thing, however, is that you were honest with her. That must be a freeing feeling in itself in that you don't have to carry that burden any longer.

I'm sure that your next appointment, although difficult, will work out just fine. This is a step in the right direction.

Hang in there and know you are in my thoughts and prayers. People really do care!

Big Hugs!

P.S. You deserve an "atta girl!"

Sherry

[Rapunzel]

Kelly,

How are you doing now? I'm proud of you for giving her the note. Do you feel any better being relieved of that burden? I hope you are doing okay.
Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[Rapunzel]

Kelly, how did it go today? Was today your next appointment? Did you talk about the letter?

Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

[maryjane]

Hi Kelly, I am new to this forum and have been reading but not had courage to write. Now I am so inspired to share my own fears without fear because YOU and ALL the people on here ARE so OPEN, this in itself should be seen positively. I know exactly what you have been going through. When you have kept all your hurt, dark thoughts and feelings inside for so long,where tobeginI have just started therapy and have been so scared of being sent to hospital. I have been told I have a slight personality disorder as I feel lostand insecure. The thing is if you beginto voice out your feelings and can do so, you are moving in the right direction.Iwas frustrated ay first, I wanted a quick fix but this is going to take time.I have more positive thoughts than I did a week ago so my T is working. Hope your therapy brought some light relief, be kind to yourself. Mary Jane