:( My whole life feels like a sick joke or a nightmare.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting this on here seeing how my issue is more medical than it is psychological, for lack of better terms because I do know the two are interconnected. I'm just feeling really hopeless and alone and need to vent everything somewhere I guess since I can't really talk to anyone about this in my life...no one understands, and truthfully, none of you probably will either.

I'll try not to get too in detail because this has been going on ever since I was like 14 years old, so there are a LOT of details. Essentially, I started all of a sudden having really scary health symptoms when I was in the 9th grade...I'm 22 now. I was afraid of going to a doctor then because I was stupid and scared of what I'd find out, and I thought that if I just prayed a lot I'd be healed. Now that 8 years have gone by and things have gotten REALLY bad, I'm scared because I know the prognosis will be horrible, and I know my dad is going to tell me what an idiot I am for refusing to go to a doctor all these years, and it's gonna shake up my whole family, and...yeah.

I'm so sick of everyone telling me it's all in my head or it's anxiety. Anxiety doesn't cause you to randomly one day lose your sense of taste. Anxiety doesn't make you have really intense pain in a very specific spot on your head. Anxiety doesn't cause your skin all over your body to feel numb. Anxiety doesn't give you the balance, coordination,memory and focus problems I have. Anxiety doesn't cause you to have difficulty pronouncing words that never gave you trouble before.

I'm about 95% certain I have a brain tumor. It's the only condition that really fits my symptoms, and it just keeps getting worse.

I honestly just don't have any desire to live anymore. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this. NOTHING is enjoyable for me anymore. I'm worried 24/7 because I never know when the next symptom is going to strike or what it's going to be. I hate feeling trapped in a body that keeps betraying me. I can't date because what guy wants to be with a girl who lays in her bed crying day in and day out, and I can't go out to hang out with what 'friends' I have b/c we're at an age where everyone's idea of fun is going out drinking and things along those lines, and I can't consume alcohol without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I went from being a girl who was afraid of literally nothing...I would go ride the steepest roller coaster 8 times in a row and go walking by myself in a bad area of town...to a girl who's afraid of leaving her house because she never knows when she's going to start feeling confused or like she may pass out. My life is such a lie..people think I don't do a lot of things because I don't like them or don't want to, but the truth is I don't do a lot of things I used to love because I can't do them without feeling sick.

Anyway, sorry for taking up your time if you read all of this; there's nothing any of you can really do to help me (besides pray I suppose), but thanks for letting me vent anyway.

It helps to vent where people understand. I am so sorry you are going through this, however, had you gotten your symptoms checked out right away, you may have been able to avoid the symptoms you are having now. I do also know that when you are depressed, you could really care less about yourself.

It's a never-ending cycle of bullcrap it seems, but you can always count on us to listen, if nothing else.

I hope you don't have a tumor, that would be terrible. GO TO THE DOCTOR, PLEASE!

Yeah, I know. I wish I could go back in time, but I can't. And I know I should go now, but I get really scared and chicken out every time I try. I know with about 90% certain that something's REALLY wrong, and I'm like not ready to deal with all of the changes that would occur in my own life and in my family's say I had to undergo potentially fatal brain surgery or something. And yes I know it's illogical to think this way; it's hard to explain it to someone who isn't me. I wish I wasn't on my dad's stupid insurance...I think it may be easier to go if I didn't have to consult with him to make the appointment because he's the type of person who thrives off of insulting people, and everytime I go anywhere or do anything with him, he spends the whole time asking me why I'm such a moron and why I can't be perfect like him.

Anyway, thank you for your well wishes and kind thoughts. I didn't come here thinking anyone would have a magical answer for me; I just needed to talk to human beings for once, I guess.

Hi sigh1989,

It sounds like you really understand what is going on and what you need to do but you are scared which is normal. I guess it doesn't help that your father is not supportive. But it's not too late to get better. Can you go to the doctor with someone else or just by yourself? You deserve to get well and live a happy and full life. All the best.

HI Sigh

I am sorry to hear you. I think you need to talk about it and I am here if you need it. Go to doctor and try to be positive that it is possibility to know what is wrong. When I was 24 I thought that I had AIDS, I had a sex with foreigners at my uni and I had healthy problems. I did not tell nobody about it and I had in my mind it always, I was depressed. I thoought that I did not have to buy staff for me that is no point and other thoughts.

If you have somebody to go with you ask him or her to doctor.
Take care
Mediator

Do you have the insurance information and some cash for the copay? Because basically your health information is private, your dad does not have to know anything, legally. I understand there may be practical matters to work out (transportation?), but that's different. You're an adult, you can make your own appointment, you should have your insurance info on your person (ie in your wallet, with your other identification) at all times. And you should probably get your lady parts checked if you haven't ever yet - maybe dad won't bug you about THAT? Good luck.

You might not like what I have to say, but I have all the above symptoms that you have and in my case, it is caused by past childhood trauma . I' ve seen doctors and had every test under the sun. All kinds of mris and neurological exams. I even run a fever most of the time. My immune system doesn't work right. Some people call it complex ptsd. Anxiety and stress actually cause my body not to heal, cause my brain and nerves to dysfunction, and cause me excrutiating pain. I'm not saying this is true for you, but you said anxiety couldn't cause those symptoms. . . Well it can. Either way your symptoms are very serious and need to be checked out by a dr or probably several. Pain is a sign something is wrong and no one should have to live in such misery.

Sigh,

I don't have a magical answer either, but I've been in your situation many times where I was convinced that I had some horrible disease. And, like you, I was afraid to go to the doctor because I didn't want to find out that it was true. I finally made myself go get checked out each time this happened, and I was shocked when they told me they didn't see anything seriously wrong.

I'm not saying that there's nothing wrong with you--your symptoms are worrisome. And maybe the doctor will give you bad news--but then, maybe he won't. If he does, you can move forward from there and get whatever it is treated and stop fearing the unknown. At least you'd know what you were dealing with. If he doesn't, then you can breathe a huge sigh of relief and stop worrying so much.

My prayers are with you!

For me the worrying and not knowing is the worst part. Things are usually not as bad as they seem. And Hankster is correct your health information is private even if you are on your father's ins. I would go to the doctor to know for sure what is going on!