[vintageromance]

I just have to get all of this off my chest before I lose it. I am so absolutely depressed. There is so much stress in my life and I don't know how to handle all of it. The only two people I have in my life are my husband and my mom. I feel like I can't rely on them though.

My husband is very ignorant about depression. I think he thinks it's just something you "snap out of it." Out of ignorance, he has said things that make me feel worse, like, "I don't understand why you're overreacting." He doesn't understand that depression is a mental disorder, not a phase or something that disappears in 2 seconds. Lately, I feel like I can't come to him with my problems. Sometimes he's able to help me and comfort me, but it's really hit or miss with him. Sometimes he helps, sometimes he doesn't.

My mom is in the hospital right now and has been for almost a month. I don't want to talk to her about my depression because when she gets stressed out or worries, she gets very sick. I don't want to make her sick. She also tends to make things worse, even though she isn't ignorant at all about mental disorders. She just tends to say the wrong things. I don't blame her or anything. I just don't feel comfortable going to her when I need help.

I wish my dad was around, but unfortunately, he's in jail. He was arrested May 2010 on child molestation charges. He molested my childhood best friend for years and no one knew about it until he tried to reestablish contact with her last year and she called the police on him and finally fessed up. He's been sentenced to 50 years in prison; a life sentence for him since he's already in his mid-50's. I'm still struggling to come to terms with this.

I'm struggling to deal with my own issues with him. He was verbally abusive with me my whole life; I was never good enough in his eyes. He writes to me often and is under the assumption that I believe he's innocent, despite the fact that I testified against him at his trial. I'm so tired of pretending that everything is okay. He won't admit to anything he has done and even tries to play the "poor me" card. My feelings for him fluctuate so much. One minute I hate him for what he has done to me, my family, and my friend. The next minute, I'm mad because I love him and just want him to be my dad; a normal dad. That's all I've wanted my whole life. To make matters worse, he just filed for a new trial and if he is given a new one, I have to testify all over again. I don't want to remember and tell a whole courtroom all the terrible things he has done, not again.

On top of all of this, I'm my mom's caregiver. It's hard enough to take care of myself, let alone her. She said the doctors might send her home soon with a nurse. She said to me, "I don't know why the nurse would stay the whole day. I don't need her to do this and that for me; I have you for that." I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to look after my mom. I'm only 22! Sometimes I want to just lie in bed all day, undisturbed, but instead, I have to fetch things, cook meals, etc. It's too much.

I also struggle with generalized anxiety disorder. I have obsessive and intrusive thoughts about death, mainly about my husband dying. It's hard for me to handle him leaving the house because I always imagine he'll get in a car wreck and die. Sometimes I even see this happening in my mind. Sometimes I get these feelings that if I do or think certain things, I will trigger bad events. This obsessive thoughts never stop and are really irrational sometimes; like I worry that he'll fall and die in the shower or choke on his food and die or have an allergic reaction and die. All of these thoughts about death are terrifying and they never stop.

I'm sorry to ramble on so much. I have no one to discuss this with. I've had two appointments set up to see a new therapist, but had to cancel twice because I couldn't get a ride, since my mom - who is normally my ride - is in the hospital and no one around here can take me. I'm on medication, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm just plagued with depression right now and can't stand one more second of it. I'm in so much pain. Every day is such a struggle. The weight of the depression, all my anxious, irrational thoughts, all of the obsessive, intrusive thoughts. Every.single.day. It never stops. My mind never stops. I just don't want to feel this anymore. I need help, any help, just something.

[Victom4ever]

im so tiews that is alot to deal with!! mayb cab to t?

[shezbut]

(((vintageromance)))

Yeah ~ You do have A LOT on your plate!

I know that it feels impossible to do, but you need to stand up for yourself. Because you are being taken for granted. Parents kind of do that automatically in life, as they age. But, we all have limits.

You CAN tell your mom that you're struggling with depression. I'm sure that she can relate with what your going through in life. You CAN tell her that you would be happy to help her with some things, but you don't feel comfortable having so many responsibilities set on you plate.

Ask if you can borrow her car to go see a T. Or take a bus, taxi, subway, whatever. Ask your hub if he minds taking you there. Starting with a T and setting up some ground rules for your mom and dad would really make this a lot more manageable.

Personally (while I am at it), I'd also recommend writing a letter to your father in prison. Tell him how you're feeling. Shoot ~ they barely have anything worthy to think about ~ now is a good time for you to bring these thoughts and emotions out with him! Explain how sad you are to see where he is at this age. He should be working hard, preparing for retirement. But, he's in prison paying for big mistakes that he made when he was younger. Mistakes that will affect you and your best friend for many, many years to come. Why did he do this?? Please don't send any more letters complaining about being incarcerated. He doesn't deserve to complain about his misery being jailed. He should have thought about the consequences long before committing the crimes. Be honest ~ and tell him how hurt you are!

Gosh, I hope that my post back didn't freak you out. You should have a trigger symbol on this post though ~ the SA and EA are triggers for many here (like me). Sorry if I hurt you. I didn't mean to do that at all ~ I do want you to stand up for yourself and what's right.

Gentle hugs sent your way

[kaliope]

wow vintage. yu sure do have a lot going on stress wise. you sound like a very strong person managing life the way you are. there are lots of people here to listen and care at PC. if you want to private message me you are welcome to do that. hang in there.

[Elana05]

Hi Vintageromance,

Thanks for sharing your post.
I wish I knew the right thing to say.
Keep taking deep breaths.
Trust your gut. Trust yourself. Seek out help anywhere you can. Hope you can get to see that therapist... Take any time for yourself that you can.
Remember you are important and the most important thing is to take care of yourself before helping others.
I have found this group helpful. Maybe there is one in your area... The people are usually very understanding and nice to be around.
(For family "dysfunction" and not just children of alcoholics)
http://www.adultchildren.org/Meetings.s

[Placeholder]

Now is the time to take advantage of the fact your mother is in the hospital. Tell the hospital staff that you want to discuss her after care and then tell them what is going on and ask about resources. Do not get sucked into taking care of your mother full time. It will spiral downward from there.

Yes she will give you hell for it but she probably will be unhappy no matter what happens. I wasted so much of my life on people who will never be happy. It is not worth your future.

S.

Originally Posted by vintageromance

I just have to get all of this off my chest before I lose it. I am so absolutely depressed. There is so much stress in my life and I don't know how to handle all of it. The only two people I have in my life are my husband and my mom. I feel like I can't rely on them though.

My husband is very ignorant about depression. I think he thinks it's just something you "snap out of it." Out of ignorance, he has said things that make me feel worse, like, "I don't understand why you're overreacting." He doesn't understand that depression is a mental disorder, not a phase or something that disappears in 2 seconds. Lately, I feel like I can't come to him with my problems. Sometimes he's able to help me and comfort me, but it's really hit or miss with him. Sometimes he helps, sometimes he doesn't.

My mom is in the hospital right now and has been for almost a month. I don't want to talk to her about my depression because when she gets stressed out or worries, she gets very sick. I don't want to make her sick. She also tends to make things worse, even though she isn't ignorant at all about mental disorders. She just tends to say the wrong things. I don't blame her or anything. I just don't feel comfortable going to her when I need help.

I wish my dad was around, but unfortunately, he's in jail. He was arrested May 2010 on child molestation charges. He molested my childhood best friend for years and no one knew about it until he tried to reestablish contact with her last year and she called the police on him and finally fessed up. He's been sentenced to 50 years in prison; a life sentence for him since he's already in his mid-50's. I'm still struggling to come to terms with this.

I'm struggling to deal with my own issues with him. He was verbally abusive with me my whole life; I was never good enough in his eyes. He writes to me often and is under the assumption that I believe he's innocent, despite the fact that I testified against him at his trial. I'm so tired of pretending that everything is okay. He won't admit to anything he has done and even tries to play the "poor me" card. My feelings for him fluctuate so much. One minute I hate him for what he has done to me, my family, and my friend. The next minute, I'm mad because I love him and just want him to be my dad; a normal dad. That's all I've wanted my whole life. To make matters worse, he just filed for a new trial and if he is given a new one, I have to testify all over again. I don't want to remember and tell a whole courtroom all the terrible things he has done, not again.

On top of all of this, I'm my mom's caregiver. It's hard enough to take care of myself, let alone her. She said the doctors might send her home soon with a nurse. She said to me, "I don't know why the nurse would stay the whole day. I don't need her to do this and that for me; I have you for that." I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to look after my mom. I'm only 22! Sometimes I want to just lie in bed all day, undisturbed, but instead, I have to fetch things, cook meals, etc. It's too much.

I also struggle with generalized anxiety disorder. I have obsessive and intrusive thoughts about death, mainly about my husband dying. It's hard for me to handle him leaving the house because I always imagine he'll get in a car wreck and die. Sometimes I even see this happening in my mind. Sometimes I get these feelings that if I do or think certain things, I will trigger bad events. This obsessive thoughts never stop and are really irrational sometimes; like I worry that he'll fall and die in the shower or choke on his food and die or have an allergic reaction and die. All of these thoughts about death are terrifying and they never stop.

I'm sorry to ramble on so much. I have no one to discuss this with. I've had two appointments set up to see a new therapist, but had to cancel twice because I couldn't get a ride, since my mom - who is normally my ride - is in the hospital and no one around here can take me. I'm on medication, but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm just plagued with depression right now and can't stand one more second of it. I'm in so much pain. Every day is such a struggle. The weight of the depression, all my anxious, irrational thoughts, all of the obsessive, intrusive thoughts. Every.single.day. It never stops. My mind never stops. I just don't want to feel this anymore. I need help, any help, just something.

[Daonnachd]

((romance))

I would second the deep breaths Elana recommends. My therapist emailed me with the same thing today.

I feel like I am right beside you.

[vintageromance]

Thank you, everyone, for your support. I really appreciate it. It's nice to know that others care about me and are willing to lend a hand or an ear.

[modmaiden]

Hi, Vintage...I like your username and the photo I really feel for you I have been in that place where I feel 'stuck'. Last year, like you I tried to get to my Doc. to refill a Paxil Rx, my 2 relief ppl could not work for those days that I needed to go to the visit and unknown to me, an RX I was taking for Neurapathy was a second antidepressant...which I also ran out of. It caused a huge train wreck. I inadvertently went into acute withdrawl...experiencing acute anxiety, paranoia and panic attacks. This was all new to me. Ended up in the ER and the nightmare was just beginning. Had to wait 12 horrible, scary hours in the county ER waiting room, having difficulty breathing the whole time, thinking I was having a heart attack. Then the ER prescribed Elavil which just made the anxiety worse! Couldn't sleep (if you can call it that) for longer than 4 hrs a night and woke up feeling like I just drank espresso. Finally, an angel from God, a doctor slash tenant of mine had given me her cell #...I was absolutely desperate for relief. She prescribed the paxil again...my reg. doc. wouldn't even do this! Overall this whole ordeal lasted about 3 mos. I lost 30 lbs bc the withdrawl sped up my metabolism...then, I gained it all back plus more as hormones from menopause has changed things again. Sometimes it seemed like I'd never get through this horrible experience, but everyday I had to keep believing that God was FOR me, and He was on my side, rooting for me. I wd remind myself that although my friends and family let me down many times, they did still love me, despite their shortcomings. They are limited I have to accept that.

Reading the posts here, there's some really good advice and guidance here. This can NOT last forever, as your emotions may tell you or you may fear. Everything...is temporary, and it WILL come to pass. I find alot of comfort, peace and security in my relationship with God. I cast my cares upon Him and let Him hold me up, when I am feeling depressed or weak.
He is fully able to be our rock <3

Sending you love today...modmaiden

[Butterflies Are Free]

I am thinking about you and sending you a hug!

[Nikki57]

Oh sweetie. I feel like you & me could get along quite well. I'm 23. I have anxiety & depression. My boyfriend doesn't quite understand. He tells me things like "You're over reacting" too. It hurts to hear that. Try explaining it to him. That's what I did with my boyfriend, I sat him down & told him, there's a huge difference between being "sad" & being "depressed". Tell him exactly how you feel, even if it's hard to explain. He's your husband, he married you, FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.
As for your Mom, there are times that you have to put yourself first. Your Mom will understand. The nurses are there for her care. It doesn't mean you can't still help take care of her, but don't put it ALL on yourself.
If you ever need to talk, please feel free to PM me. Best of luck to you & your Mother.

[Yoda]

I am listening and I care but I am short on answers this evening. How far is it to the therapist's office? Can you afford a bus or cab? It would be really nice if you could get to the therapist and build some support for your situation.

[garden gal]

Sorry that you are going through so much really hard stuff. My thoughts are with you. And remember: you have the right to ask for what you need, and to set limits with other people. Your needs are just as important of those of the other people in your life. Maybe now that your mom is in a time of transition with getting ready to leave the hospital, maybe this would be a good time to set some of those limits with her. Listen to your gut and speak up about what you are deep down willing to do and not willing to in your mother's care. Maybe the hospital can help get appropriate care arrangements in place to support your family during this time...

thinking of you,
garden gal

[kendurah218]

I dont know if you really want advice or not but I think what I have to say might help. The thoughts you're having about your husband are called 'obsessive thoughts'. I used to suffer badly from them. I'm 21, so Im not much younger than you. I know how awful they can be. They're terrifying and exhausting. You may not know this, but those thoughts are actually a part of the disorder OCD. I've had them ever since I was 9 and when I got on the medication I'm on *poof* they disappeared. I'm on Luvox which is an SSRI that for depression, anxiety, and OCD. It's been my savior. Feel free to email me.

[vintageromance]

Originally Posted by Yoda

I am listening and I care but I am short on answers this evening. How far is it to the therapist's office? Can you afford a bus or cab? It would be really nice if you could get to the therapist and build some support for your situation.

The therapist's office is in the next town over, probably 25 minutes away. I can't afford a cab and we don't have buses around here. I'm really pretty much stuck in this situation. I'll have to wait until my mom is better and is able to take me.


Thank you everyone again. My mom came home a few days ago, but she ended up going back to the hospital that same night because she was just too sick. The hospital wants to send her to a rehab facility, so maybe I will have some relief for awhile while others look after her.