I can't seem to get past it

I've been prone to depression since I was a teenager although it probably started before that, just not as markedly. I'm now in my mid thirties and my life situation is much harder than it was then (which is saying a lot). Despite this I've done extensive work on myself, have strong spiritual beliefs, and try to keep a optimistic outlook. I have seen a good therapist for some time.

The problem is, I am still prone to sadness and longing. I am stuck at home a lot due to ill health which doesn't help, but things are easier than they have been for a while. I try to do things I like, including distance study. Some days I feel okay, some even good. But I always fall back into these depressive moods and they can last some time. I had a major one which lasted 2 years, now they tend to be shorter, which I guess is good.

I'm just sick of my life in many ways. I'm scared of the responsibility (I'm a mum) and also the loneliness. I believe it has meaning, but I am scared to find it. I'm scared of moving on. I didn't have a good childhood, I was lonely then too, but am scared of letting go of it.

I want things to be different, but am scared. Sometimes good feelings are scary because they could change in an instant. It's not safe to be happy.

I don't want to feel like this all my life. I don't know how to get past it though.

Hi Dreamy01, I'm sorry you are stuck at home. That can be so depressing especially as it is because you are not well I found that my physical health affected my mental health and vice versa. If I read your post correctly it seems that you are afraid of finding happiness? Yes, it can be so devastating to be let down. But please don't give up trying. My childhood was lonely sometimes too. But I want to die a happy person. Some of my friends are quite elderly and I look at them and it really hit home that one day they will not be around anymore. Life is so short.

When I was going through my depression, I used to grasp at anything, to make myself feel even slightly better, something like just picking up a piece of trash and throwing it away, or just rearranging the drawers. Ultimately what really worked for me (knock wood) was looking at everything that made me depressed, painful as they were sometimes, and processing them as safely as I could. The journey was long, incredibly painful and with many setbacks but was worth it for me.

As for being scared of the responsibility of being a parent, that is a good sign. I would worry more if you were not scared. It is hard when you are dealing with your own emotional issues but just try to separate your love for your child from those other issues. I had to do that, (although my 'children' were my pets) it wasn't easy though and I had to remind myself constantly that they deserved good care despite my own problems. Well, I hope you will feel better soon, one day at a time. All the best-Terry

Hi. I just joined today. I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I also have struggled with depression since early on in high school. Talking to people about this really helps...I'm glad I joined.

I DO know this: therapy taught me to stop worrying and obsessing about everything that was wrong about my childhood. I think I got sick of the sound of my own voice complaining about it, too! I stopped torturing myself with how things 'should have been' instead of just accepting them for how they were. I've had some success in life...but also some failures. What helps me the most is surrounding myself with people who understand me, and who care. I'm frustrated with myself mostly because it seems I used to "have it all" and now, I have nothing. By having it all--I just mean I was making great money, bought a house by myself at 27 and was marketable. Since changing careers from sales to trying to become a teacher, I hit roadblock after roadblock. I thought life got easier as we got older. I was definitely wrong!

Don't worry about being the perfect mom. Just be who you are and be a mom. I would love to have a child or children BUT I promised myself I wouldn't do so unless I was in the right rel'p. Now I'm 36, am job hunting, with no children...other than my dogs.

Depression is a nasty thing. We're either depressed or anxious, right? It gets old. When I feel it creepin' in, I make myself get out in the sunshine whether it's walking the dog or going for a jog, solo (the latter happens rarely...I'm trying though).

You will feel better if you break the cycle, when the cycle starts. Find something that does this for you, and it will set you FREE.

Good luck and God bless,
Maureen


I''ve been on Citalopram and previously Zoloft, do you take anything?

I was writing a lovely reply and then accidently pressed a button and lost it!!

Thank you both. Am too annoyed about the lost post right now so can't write another, but will be back.

I feel for you, Dreamy. I got out of the hospital about a week ago. I had a total meltdown. I didn't stop crying for days. The stress of having a job, a house, a husband, a dog... sometimes things get out of control. I am doing a lot better now. I think i was in a state of depression for over a year. As long as you are getting good help you will find answers. I got a new pdoc and T and it was the smartest thing i've done in awhile. Keep your options open.

To Dreamy01, You mentioned that you had an unpleasant childhood , marked by loneliness and that you have a reluctance to let got of it.

Can u see a therapist regarding the "past" issues. I think it bears examining. I too have a similar response in my adult life in that I had a miserable isolated childhood with many issues and yet I look back fondly at what others would cringe at. I long for the lack of responsibilty that a child has. And of course I suffer from depression.

A therapist has told me it has to do with being stuck emotionally in childhood for a variety of reasons. Overall, the theme I got was that living and dwelling on that past is just not psychologically healthy. The present and future are being sacrificied. The fight with depression can't be won dwelling or thinking on the past when in fact we are ignoring the present. There is a book called the Psychology of Time, relatively new, I forget the author---it has helped me alot. It makes it seem obvious how wrong I was thinking (regarding the past)

I hope I gave u alittle insight.

Thank you all so much for caring.

Terry- yes I am at home a lot. I re-arrange when health allows, and enjoy doing it. I totally get your way of thinking - yes life is short. I know that, yet I can't always embrace it. Maybe like you said it's about looking at the negative thinking and examining it closely. I understand mindfulness and can use it, but this again seems to get lost somehow. My son has learning difficulties and will always be dependent on me/adults, so that is also way I feel the responsibility. Having a lonely childhood is hard anyhow because there is no secure or connected foundation to look back on. Thank you for your thoughts.

Missmia - yes I understand your thoughts about therapy. I've been fortunate to see a T who is very focussed on the present, so we don't dwell on the past anymore than is necessary to explore old patterns that are causing problems in the present. Most of the work is focussed on the here and now, and looking at the futute. I have a lot of attachment issues which are cropping up, and it is these which I think are causing the most issues at the moment. I take John's Wort but can't take any perscribed anti-ds as they all made my physical problems worse.

Alwaysrejoyce - I'm sorry to hear about your meltdown. Hugs to you! I hope you find a way through it. I'm glad you have a good pdoc. Thank you for your empathy.

St406 - Thank you too. Yes I do see a therapist who is absolutely great. I think I am stuck in the past in terms of attachment, as I still crave the mother I never had I know from a spiritual viewpoint that I need to let go and embrace the now/present moment as this can help me reframe the past, but it seems difficult to do at the moment. I appreciate your thoughts though, thanks. I hope I will get there.

Did you ever try keeping a journal? As I was reading your post, journaling was something I thought might help. I looked into it just a few days ago & was surprised to discover how much it had to offer. Perhaps after you gave it some time, through your jounal entries you could discover what helps those good days you mentioned, and uncover what's bringing back the not so good days. (This was one of the very reasons I thought of begining a journal myself.) Just an idea I thought worth considering. Good luck.