[PlanningtoLive]

I was hiding in my little hole for quite awhile now, but the past week has really made me create new tunnels and go deeper.

I found out that the manager who was hired at the same time as I was - same position, level of authority, etc. is getting paid $6,000 per year more than I am. He has less experience than I do in terms of the restaurant industry, has never been a General Manager (I have 3 times), yet is making lots more than me.

I went to the DM and voiced my concerns about this (I was livid) and his response was, "you took the job at that rate of pay, you had a choice. You were looking at confidential information and I don't see why you are so upset. This is not an issue. Your feelings do not matter."

I discovered this by complete accident. I was looking in the uniform payment folder to make sure that no money was left in there, and the paper was in there from payroll with our salaries on there. Now really, why would that be in the uniform envelope??

So, nothing is going to change about my salary. This guy does so much less work than I do and hires people that he shouldn't. Even the higher ups said that I do a better job with interviewing and selecting employees.

Then someone from my past shows up..........a man I fell so head over heels for. Wouldn't work then (we were together for over 2 years) since we are both married, and for the same reasons won't work now. Stirred up way too many feelings - which haven't changed on either side.

Then today I see my T.......the last few sessions have really bothered me. Seems like he is just pushing at me to "get better and have a more productive life" as fast as possible. Then I'm gone and he'll be rid of me. That absolutely terrifies me........he is the reason I'm still alive. My life line to stop the chaos.

It seems we have conflicting goals about why I come see him. I go to talk to him, to understand why I do certain things and to figure out how to handle it better. I don't look that far ahead to a "happier, more productive life". I don't believe in it.

My T seems to be more stressing these techniques (DBT) and not interested in anything else really. We talked about the work situation and how I felt, then focused on being aware of the feelings and controlling them. I send him emails about other things (like the new personal issue, and other stress things) but nothing.

It seems like I'm in school and have homework to do (exercises: this time it is dealing with my feelings for 30 sec. x 10 per day but not acting on them) and the push is on to improve me and get me going.

One time he says that I can continue to see him as long as I wish, then he tells me that we won't have a permanent working relationship forever............

I really am alone out here. I wrote my T a note before I left because he told me if those are the only reasons I come to see him, he should know this and we have no reason to continue on. More than likely I will not return. It is two weeks till my next appt. - I had tried for next week but in an email he told me that "I need to deal with these feelings on my own and in between appts." I wrote that he is correct, that he does have a right to know and that I can't go along with his goal because I don't and never will look that far ahead.

I also said goodbye to him and gave him my word no more emails or calls. We did the email thing everyday back and forth. I feel so completely lost and abandoned. Yes, I am overly sensitive these days.

My T replied with an email saying that he didn't have time right now to give a detailed reply - he has to think about the issues that I have raised and he will get back to me.

It doesn't matter. My feelings at work don't matter, and lord knows they don't matter at home. It just seems like he is pulling at me to go to this nice, happy place he envisions. I may not be happy where I am, but I am comfortable there.

Maybe I don't want to change, just understand myself. I don't know anymore.

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}

You said it soooo right hun....."where he envisions you to be".....you have to be where you want to be happy hun. I am sensing that you are getting a little bit closer though....maybe it's just me but you do seem stronger in your posts lately? Do you think your T may be sensing that too?

Now then....work - hmmmm - who is in charge of HR at your workplace? That is not fair. The DM? Is he your immediate supervisor? There are labour laws that protect you in this regard in the US aren't there? Check out the US Equal Employment Opportunity site http://www.eeoc.gov/facts/fs-epa.html You are protected for this Mary Alice....I would look into it if I were you.

Hope some of this helps


Heather

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life - it goes on."
~~Robert Frost

[PlanningtoLive]

Ty Heather, I am checking into this. I hate to stir up things and make enemies........sometimes I am such a coward.

[Rapunzel]

Mary Alice,

It really makes me mad that they are paying the other guy more than you. I guess if you didn't know maybe it wouldn't matter. Maybe somebody left that paper there because they thought you should know. No, I think it still matters. You do a better job and are more qualified than him. It isn't right. Maybe he negotiated better, but still...

Sorry it didn't go well with your T. I agree with him in wanting a better life and happiness for you. Even though we get comfortable where we are, life could be better, couldn't it? Still, pushing you to make progress faster than you are able to deal with won't work. Maybe he is just trying to offer you a higher goal than the one you have for yourself. I do understand where you are coming from. I've been depressed so long that I don't know how to deal with not being depressed. Still, it's got to be frustrating for therapists when they keep trying to offer help and show us the way out of that hole and we just keep sitting down again and digging it deeper. I don't think it is that he wants to hurry up and finish with your treatment so that he can brush you off, but more that he cares about you and doesn't like to see you keep suffering. When he said that you can see him as long as you want to I think that indicates that he is willing to go at your pace, and when he said that the professional relationship will not be permanent he is also right because eventually it is important for you to move on and make other friends in your real life, at least at some point in the future.

I'm also dreading the end of the relationship with my T. Through the summer I was afraid that he would think I was doing too well and didn't need him anymore. If I get into graduate school I won't be in a place where I can see him anymore, as he doesn't go to any of the places where I would be. That scares me. But the thought of being rejected and not being able to go to graduate school scares me more.

Life really can be better if you let it. I want a better life for you, and happiness, like you have when you play with Alex and see him happy.
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Wendy

<font color=green>"Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is mandatory. Restoration is possible." -Jane Rubietta</font color=green>

[LadyDragus]

{{{{{{{{{ Mary Alice }}}}}}}}}}}}}

it sounds like you are digging deeper, I may have to buy me a bigger shovel to be able to link our tunnles with each other
I think you are on the right track in emailing your T and telling him why you are coming to see him. They should understand that we are not like them, and we can not always follow a strict plan to get "better" and move on with our lives. We have way too many set back to do that.

It also sounds like maybe your T is having problems with dealing with some of the issues you are having, Has he heard these all before? Have you been down this road before? Does any of the things you are going through right now, act like something from the past? If so, he may just not want to hear the same stuff over and over. (just thoughts) I am not him, and I would never intend to replace him.
I care for you very much..
i hate seeing you dig deeper and deeper in..

I hope this helps some.. may get your thoughts giong in a direction that can help you and your T both

Love you lots..

Lady D.

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

He claims he wants to see me happier because he does care, Wendy, but that means he leaves me. Yes, you understand then......it scares me horribly. It's where I am now, sooner rather than later. I'm not sure that I have gotten enough strength accumulated to deal with being alone.

I have never had many "friends" in 3D. Only within the last two years have there been any at all and there is only 2.

He's talking double - one min. I can continue as long as I feel the need to, and then it's like today, deal with things because he can't be there and it can't go on indefinitely.

As for work, it is very wrong. I think it matters also - at the very least, my feelings should count, and to be told they don't hurt even more.

Stupid me today stopped by on my way home from my appt. with my T - stayed and helped: interviewed someone and set up the filing system in the drawers. On my day off, of course. I run for work when I am stressed so that I have to be in control of myself and not fall apart.

Pretty sad.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{Lady}}}}}}}}}}

No, we haven't discussed these things before, not to my knowledge anyway. He told me today that when we started therapy I had told him that I had wanted to get better. I have no memory of that. I have no memory of most of our early discussions, except for the last 6 months. Out of 2 years, that is bad. Those other meds wiped out everything except for a few flashbacks every now and then.

I've dug so far in that there is no light, no warmth, and not much air. Just cold, dark emptiness. I am mentally unreachable, my friend.

I am sorry.

[Peanut61]

Hi ((((((Mary Alice)))))) = I was just thinking re: your T = sometimes, T's think that THEY are failing if their patient says that they are not interested in getting to the ever elusive 'happy place' (working toward 'recovery') = this concept is really ingrained in them by their training I think. He may really not be able to 'accept' the concept of status quo , although I doubt that he would want you to not see him anymore; just the opposite is true I'll bet, in fact. Have you researched a lot about the 'treatment options' for bpd = mostly it is dbt, etc. = rather than supportive therapies exclusively. He may genually feel like he will be cheating you if he doesn't provide the generally recommended therapy for your issues. Just some thoughts.

Theraputically, he's probably correct, but it still feels like rejection and abandonment I know. :-( I hope you can continue to discuss this with him - it may bring some new insight into the situation at least... What do you think?

That sucks that your DM is soooo....grrrrr. Keeping you in my thoughts. Most warmly, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[LadyDragus]

hmmmmmmm......

<font color=blue>
<center>
Digging
Digging
Deeper the I have to dig, the harder I care
the harder I try
To find you my darling friend
I will keep diggin
Hell if I hve to, I will hire me a backhoe, and start makeing a hole to you, I wll find you.
Trust me I will find you
I will get you out of this rut, you are in, or i will go broke trying to
I care so much.....
I miss you, and I want you back
I want that person I feel in love with, I want that shoulder you always told me was there.
If we can not help ourselves how can we help others

</center/>

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

Peanut ****hugs********

He did say that he feels like he is cheating me by NOT doing what he considers his job: helping to improve my life. I told him I was comfortable in my world, and very quickly he said, "is that why you cut?" My response was, "I never said I was happy, just comfortable."

At some point in time our relationship had to end, I guess. To be honest, I had never really considered that........I thought I would be able to talk to him for however long I wished.

My DM is a jerk. To be nice about it.

Take care.

[PlanningtoLive]

:::::::curled up in a ball::::::::::

[soscared]

I am really sorry to hear all the negative stuff from your work, it seems like someone may have put the payroll there for you to see, maybe someone else who thinks you should be getting paid more, or maybe the new person who would like to see you quit because that person knows that you are better. Check with the labour board and try not to back down or you will be no farther ahead(JUST A SUGGESTION) I know that making waves is hard but usually it all works out for you in the end.
On my last job the person I worked with at the youth centre kept telling me that she felt that I was getting all the praise for jobs well done, I was the youth program co-ordinator.. To make a long story short she was jelouse of me and she should not have been because she was good at what she did for the most part, anyhow she set me up to get fired.
I was very upset and cried etc. but my boss believed her. I have not applied for any work in my field since as I am feeling pretty usless, on the other hand I also know that I was working for an agency that was corupt and am glad not to be working for these people.
As far as your T- goes I would suggest that if he does not think he ca help you anymore then ask for a new referal for a different T. Ask him what you hav progressed in and how he can help you get further ahead, if he does not have any ideas then get someone else. He may be just burned out.
I would also want to know when he plans on not seeing you as his client anymore and to set some realistic goals and expectations with and for you both. A T- can only help if you want the help and that T- has to be the right person for you!!!!
I was with my T- for over two tears and we did a lot of work together, he was clear with me in telling me that in one year he would b ending his sessions with me(he is a psyc. in training) he was excellent and let me ramble on all the time. He had me make a positive statements book to look at all the positive things people would say about me and I would also write down how that made me feel.(I have a lot of trouble believing that I am any good and it feels like the positive stuff people said was not really about me)
Anyhow when the time came for our last session which was in July this year I felt like I was in no way ready for him to leave, but I had no choice. It felt like the world had fallen apart and I was standing there all alone.
I had a real hard time at first but I adjusted and now I am back in my old psyc. group, which helps a little.
I can relate to how you feel because I want my T back and I still feel lost without him, but at least I was prepared for knowing when it would end.
He at least had that kind of respect for me, and you should try and get the same from your T.
You deserve it, you work hard and you can't get better in just --- amount of time everyone is different and needs different things
So PLEASE don't give up trying, you can make it, it sounds like you made it through a lot already.
Hope this helps a little Take Care of your self.

[LadyDragus]

<center>
puts nice warm blankie on top of you, filled with love and compassoin
Plus it has my arm attached to it so you have a hand to hold


<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[Duchess]

Let me tell you something, see stuff like that just really tickles my pickle. You are not a PION and are worth so much more. they just fail to realize that. don't let them get you down. search around Sell your self b/c you know your better and Don't let this PUNK try and get the better hand B/c he's getting more money then you.....
as far as your T. I'm sorry to hear. but remmber you have US :
it's gotta be the holiday's everyone is feeling down and sensitive.....
warm hugs to you Hope you feel better then today and Tomm...

ABOUT THE NINTH HOUR JESUS CRIED OUT IN A LOAD VOICE, "ELOI,ELOI, LAMA SABACHTHANI?"~WHICH MEANS~"MY GOD, MYGOD,WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"
~MATTHEW27:46.
MY GOD,MYGOD WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?WHY ARE YOU SO FAR FROM SAVING ME,SO FAR FROM THE WORDS OF MY GROANING?~ PSALM 22:1