Daily Check In - Ups and Downs

Life still sucks, hopefully it gets better. Someday I am hoping it will.

I felt really bad last night that I hurt myself but I feel a little better today.

Long story, but after losing the days, forgetting two T appointments--well not "forgetting" but not knowing what day it was and racking up hundreds of dollars in co-pays for missed appointments-how is this even fair? I have no idea if it is daytime or night, It is always day some where on earth/Tara. Financially I hardly make it month to month. I've decided to check out out-patient therapy and ECT. Can't go on like this, the added burden of money only makes me that much more desperate. What a loser. What kind of person "forgets" what day their T appointment is?

(((sidestepper))) You are not a loser hun, it happens all the time to people, life is hectic and all of us here have other things going on that make life a little more hectic than most. What is ridiculous that they can charge you for a missed appt....I mean things happen in people's lives...as far as I am concerned missing an appt is a favor to them it gives them some time to grab a coffee, do some paperwork and in general take a break so shouldn't they really pay us for making their time easier lol.
My T....is great if I miss an appt with him all he asks is I bring him a coffee on my next visit and if I forget he will ask me to get him one from the staff room ... he is a one of a kind awesome tho.
Hope your day gets better
Hugz
Nams

having a blah day... not horrible but not great day! so i guess its better in some ways at this moment

im so fusterated right now... i dont know why... but i feel like i am about to just snap... my head feels tingly because i am that fusterated... i feel llike i am going to over the deep end...

Feeling better today.....took advantage of the nice weather to get outside and do some long-overdue weeding and yard work. It was nice to feel the sun on my skin, peaceful listening to the birds, etc. I have to make more of an effort to get outside each day, because I always feel better afterwards.

i am very depressed today and don't know why. i felt so tired that i had to take a nap. this was frustrating as the weather is beautiful today and i'd prefer to be outside. i hate my life and am always depressed. the things i don't like about my life cannot be changed. i don't know what to do. deep down, i do not want to be alive anymore. my spirit is broken and i have given up.

Who has been telling you that imabananin?

You are human sidestepper. We all forget things, especially when we are depressed.

Tried to kill myself yesterday, obviously, I failed miserably. I just want it to end...

It's my first reply I'm going to reflect on my weekend. My mom made me work out with her this weekend. I only made it about twenty minutes. Otherwise I spent the weekend mostly sleeping and reading. I finished an entire book today. I've been super down. Hope I can start to feel better tomorrow.

Dear BleedingDestruction--I'm so sorry you are feeling so very, very sad. (((((Hugs)))))

I'm escaping reality by just hanging out at my friend's house watching movie after movie on TCM. (Good ones today about the subject of motherhood.)

Those of you in despair - maybe we could forgive each other. I, also, am bowed down by heavy guilt and remorse. when anyone here says anything nice to me, I think it's only because they don't really know me. I've had traumatic rejections. My new T tells me to just try to get a job. That hurt me. Then I thought: "Yes, I am a fraud with all this depression stuff, and he is on to me."

How did you fail its not hard to die, the hard bit is you kill your family with you, selfish .

I am sad today and I can not tell anyone.

You just told us, don't worry. You aren't the only that is sad today. Good luck on making it through the day. I know I'll need it as much as you.

@sidestepper I used to forget to go to class when I was in college. (and I *liked* class!)

I am better today because the weekend is over. Weekends are super hard for me. They are extremely lonely. Mondays now have a faint tinge of possibility for me. Maybe some job I applied for will call me in for an interview. Maybe someone will post a new job on the job boards and I'll apply and get it! Maybe I can go see my therapist. Maybe something will happen!

I feel okay. And vaguely optimistic.

Ritalin and Neurontin have me floating above my worries. It feels good. The fear is there, but I feel oddly detached from it.

Very depressed - found out Friday that I didn't get the job I interviewed for and found out today that I am not pregnant. Life sucks.

OK this really was uncalled for. I normally don't get in the middle of these things but please this was just mean & nasty...I understand your frustration but you have no idea what the family/life situation is so you have no right to say something so mean. I apologize if I have offended anyone but this place is supposed to be somewhere you can feel OK to say what's on your mind maybe get someone who may just listen or even make you feel a little better, not someone to make it worse by attacking and name calling.
Suicide is a topic I know that is requested not to be discussed here and I understand WHY now, it's a bloody minefield.
Responses like that are what make people like me edit and reedit my posts so as not to offend/upset anyone. Not this time.

Delete my response if you feel necessary Mods but I just couldn't ignore that response, it made me Angry. I took a few hrs to think before I typed and I am still angry.

My sister got gastroenteritis at fricking 5AM in the morning, I got pissed at her but I still followed her orders only I threw hissy fits at her. I still got her into the clinic though I wasn't happy on her. God I'm not like her when I feel like that, I just sleep on it and like they give a damn care on how I feel. B**st*rds.

My patience is wearing thin and up to the point that I'm in the urge of punching them hard.

Someone at work whom I thought was an ally is actually a foe. Great.

The brain-chatter just will not stop ! uugghhhh !!!!!

I feel very depressed and since that is, I am a realist. To prove my realist way (my grandpa is another realist hero of mine and suffers from depression), I shut down another... get this another company.

Make this AT LEAST 3 companies that I singlehandedly destroyed with my pathetic art. I will NEVER succeed in life, every single thing I have done ends in massive failure, my entire family who is so delusional says its not me but they are NOT based in reality at all. I say I am the best realist in history, or more accurately depressive realism. Here are the names of the companies I have destroyed: Reflections Art Gallery, Open Hands ( a card company for autistic artists), and Social Stripes (same as Open Hands). I am in another gallery right now and I know that will fail since my art is there. The only reason why I get art everywhere is not because my art is good but because most of the places I am in are looking for autistic artists in the area.

I am dark. I am evil. I am THE realist. Another one of my fears have been confirmed but won't get into that here because people might call it delusional. Being a realist for me means everything goes for the worst.

I mean we have 3 businesses and every single one is total failure and doesn't even make money. My brother's app makes up to a couple hundred a YEAR meanwhile, he goes to an incubator and spends $200 a month so its a LOSS. We are wasting our money and getting nowhere. My business is just my starving art and makes maybe a thousand a YEAR only because of the shows we do and we do a lot. Outside of that we make absolutely NOTHING. Just remember at the shows EVERYONE makes at least something. Most of the time we do the worst out of everyone. Another business is simply a website that is for mentally interesting people and not one user for years now and its just our family writing back and forth. Massive failure is the name of the game and I ain't saying everything here. Won't say. My dad will retire with NO money. We will probably be on the streets and never know where our next meal is coming from. I won't say what I would do if it really comes to that. No amount of technology will save me.