Daily Check In - Ups and Downs

I wish I could fast forward and be in therapy right now. I know I can call T and ask if rescheduling is possible, but I'd be embarrassed.

((((Seshat)))) that is what are T's are for If you are feeling down definitely give a call (perhaps you can have a phone session!)

Thanks, Rose. I'll try building up the nerve to call T later in the afternoon.

It took me until noon to get out of bed. That's pathetic, but that is how this morning was. Lots of crying into my pillow. I'm even embarrassed to post this. Still, I can't be the only member who has ever gotten that way. So that is my truthful Check In for today.

Not pathetic....I've had days like that too, and I'm sure I'm not the only one here.

Very behind at work and super stressed about it.

Im with Mommilady and you Rose76 hun. I have days like that. Yesterday after a really bad cple of days, I spent about 4hrs locked in the motorhome, told my hubby and kids I needed to be alone and I just laid there crying quietly to myself. Came into the house after everyone was already asleep and sat quietly in the dark and finally dozed off on the couch, I felt a little better when I woke up.
I don't think there is anything wrong with that...once in a while its a nice way to just let go and afterwards I usually do feel a little better, because I am not bottling it up like usual.
Went to a friends grandmothers funeral today, it was so wonderful, a beautiful celebration of her wonderfully full life. She passed away at age 78 she passed peacefully of a heart attack in her sleep. She was a Nurse for 50yrs, an accomplished writer and had a whole lot of people who loved her right down to her 2 Great Grand-kids. She is now watching over them all with her husband and son.

Huge Hugz being sent to all.
Nams

Not pathetic at all. I've been that way, as well. Some days are easier than others. Please try to be more gentle with yourself

Hugs to everyone. Crying is ok and not pathetic. I was feeling very down and negative about myself yesterday but today is some better.

I'm sorry your T is leaving the practice. That is always hard. You give so much positive karma out to others don't forget to give something positive to yourself, even just a smidgen.

Not sure how I feel about the IOP. I've been so tired from the lack of sleep, I cry all the time. I'm there to work on my fear/phobia of sleep she knows that, yet she seems to have a problem with emotions that are getting triggered from the lack of sleep.. Tonight I said I was getting triggered from the emotions of others, so what-that is part of life. I am an empath and very tired it doesn't mean I'm going to self-destruct if I have feelings. I'm not going to melt either! The counselor suggested my antipathy toward hospitals is keeping me stuck??? Not sure how hating hospitals that are more abusive than helpful is a problem that is keeping me stuck.

I think they are upset because I did not give them permission to hospitalize me if they want to. The woman who had the papers for me to sign that first night is like, but "if you break a leg we will not be able to call an ambulance" ---Really, is that what they are really concerned about? Somehow that rings hollow. They really want the ability to put people in a psych hospital, is what I believe, and don't like it that I won't give them cart-blanch. The way the law is if they believed I was a danger to my self or to someone else they could do so with or without my Hancock so their need to take control away from me puzzles me. What is it about psych treatment that is so different from any other form of treatment, outreach, group, retreat, that has them always trying to have you sign away all choice?

sidestepper, I'm sorry you're feeling like this and I understand your empathy and your concerns about the hospital issue. Not being able to call an ambulance if you don't sign the papers and wanting carte blanche? WTF? That doesn't right. Sending hugs.

had a horrible sleep last night, and ended up crying myself to sleep. Woke up feeling even worse, and a little apprehensive on my appearance today because my eyes feel super puffy from crying all night. I'm not looking forward to the day, I have to go and pay the minimum on all my bills so I don't get cut off, and I find it embarrassing to not be able to pay it full ( I know I shouldn't be embarrassed about it but I can't help it)
To top it off I went and broke up with my T the other day so I can't go talk to them about it, and well my partner won't comfort me or really touch me because she thinks she's to fat and will take up to much of my space ( she's only 94lbs) it scares me, and makes me very hurt and upset. I can't fully wrap my head around it.
Hopefully I make it through the day without breaking down

Mediocre night, but another bad day going.

Apart from a bit more than usual amount of sleep, today was like every other day for the past month.
I can't prevent myself for thinking about taking my own life nearly every second I'm awake.
I'm just wishing and praying for a little more time, but I'm really really down.

I'm in the verge of tears behind my desk and I can't lift my sight from the floor.
I know that somehow I still have it in me to make it through work and to go home.
I have to.

Absolutely horrible afternoon and evening. Didn't make it to my meditation class either, but I can't now feel guilty about that. My head is throbbing, I am exhausted and spent.

I am okay. Still reading about borderline and DBT stuff. Trying to keep an open mind.

Thanks to Ritalin and Neurontin, I seem to be improved. PC is a big help, also.

I am way too isolated.

Sidestepper That really does sound so bogus - all that stuff about how they just had to have you sign. I'm glad you know the law and the reality of what can be done. (((HUGS)))

I'm currently in DBT. For me some of it was a little overwhelming at first, but overall I think it has helped me.

ROFL! I was about to post about how proud I was of NOT emailing my old T. for a really long time now and I checked my sent mail and guess how many days it's actually been!

um, two.

sigh.... long ways to go now. long ways to go. :-(

Not good. I had a bad appointment with my doc. today. He upped my meds, and still won't give me meds for my anxiety. He sat there repeating that I'm a complicated person every sentence started with me being complicated and how because of it I'm hard to handle and know what to do with. He even told me that I'm developing agrophobia ( if that's how you spell it) due to my anxiety yet he won't prescribe me anything for it. Its effecting my daily life to the point where I'm almost totally confined to one room of my house because my anxiety is so high that I almost go into a anxiety attack just thinking about leaving.
He wasn't even listening to what I was saying at all, he just kept telling me I'm complicated and that he doesn't know what to do with me so he's going to refer me to a pysc. so hopefully if I get a new one they won't up and leave me out of no where without any notification. Then when I asked about getting a new counselor as well he started arguing with me about it and how they don't do counseling like what I'm looking for and haven't in years, which is s**t because my last one used to counsel like that. I don't understand how a counselor doesn't counsel :s like wtf?
Then he kept repeating to me that I might have to go from pysc doc to pysc doc for who knows how long before they can figure me out and what to do with me. Plus he kept telling me that things are going to be hard for me because I'm such a "complicated" person.
By the end of the appointment I felt like a bag of s**t and like there's no hope for me. It makes me feel like giving up, what's the point when docs keep telling me they don't know what to do or just up and leave me hanging high and dry. I don't understand what's so difficult, I explain myself I do my research and talk to friends in the medical field and get to know my facts so I know how to explain myself to these stupid doctors. Yet they tell me they don't fully understand, I'm a very "complicated person" but they'll try to figure something out for me. They never do they just say they'll help me and listen but they don't, and if they would just actually listen they'd be able to help me out. I don't expect to be cured or anything like that I just want things to be manageable in my mind and well that's what these people specialize in so why in the world can't they teach me these tools and give me proper meds?
I just don't get it and how my doc was talking to me makes me feel hopeless and that I shouldn't bother trying, and that ontop of all my other stress, depression, anxiety and abandonment/relationship issues, just makes me want to smash my head through a wall! I don't know how to handle all of this other then bad ways and I'm getting very close to those options....
Fml :'(

oh ((imabananin)) so many hugs for you! I'm so sorry you're feeling so awful today. I am too! I wish I had comforting words for you. I'm being tempted by those bad ways of coping too. Maybe somehow we can help each other through it. Right now I think I am too tired to do anything at all. I just want to sleep.

(((imabanin)))

Getting pdocs or PCPs to really listen can be an awfully hard job - in my experience. I hear what you are saying.

I don't know yesterday was kind of weird, and today I mostly just feel kinda numb.

I am very tired from sitting at this computer writing in a journal I just started. I have been at it for hours. I just produce a bunch of words. I feel like I am thinking my way to some destination, but I am not!

I am thinking myself into going around in circles.

I am afraid to do ordinary things. Being here in my apartment alone by myself does not seem too healthy for me. But I fear going out to do anything. I don't have agoraphobia. When I am out, sometimes I fear coming back here.

Fear and loneliness.

Rose, I can relate to the loneliness. You are not alone.