Daily Check In - Ups and Downs

Feeling a teeny bit better since yesterday. Had appt with my T last night that helped a lot..I was a basket case when I walked in (I completely neglected to do my affirmations, breathing exercises, etc over the past several days and was getting SI), so I felt like a walking exposed nerve

She saw how upset I was, and we immediately did meditation, deep breathing ... then I bawled ... and then we worked on positive affirmations (that was so hard for me to say even a few. One seemed so impossible to say outloud, I laughed! ).

Over the past week and half with all the stress and HR drama at work, my brain just started automatically defaulting to less than positive.

I keep telling myself today, "Breathe in happiness. Breathe out happiness". I hope my brain gets on-board.

Not a good day at work. Sometimes I become so cross with my line manager.
I'm trying to switch off now though. Tomorrow might be better.

I am starting to feel more comfortable with which coworkers I relate to best. They are a nice crew.

Meh . ' Nuff said.

I hate being fat. No one really loves me...things are all awful at once

Not feeling very good today. I was happy to meet my T this morning but I'm still blue and feelin so "dead." I don't manage to do a thing and every powerless try makes me cry. I called my employer and said that I can't go today. Hope she understood... My job is pretty adabtive. Fortunately.

I feel very well today. Sometime yesterday, after a nap in the afternoon, I woke up and I was out of the black pit. I was so bad Monday morning, I had SI. I went to stay with my friend at his apartment, and started to get better yesterday, and got much better by around noon time today. So I left to go pay my rent and do errands, and I have not felt scared being alone. It is like a wondrous miracle when I get better, after being very depressed.

Thank you Rose. You give me optimism that I may too come to a breakthrough.

I need a job so desperately... I am being evicted in one month...I thought I wrote a strong cover letter to this job I was sure to get but I JUST found two damn mistakes that may disqualify me...damn this life...always something to spoil it.

I feel fine today, First time this week I have felt good

I want to scream, horrible...I want to die 24/7

Feeling better today, meds and cbt 'kicking in' now to boldly go where others have been before, into the real world. . .

Crappy miserable, unhappy day. Feeling really picked on.

Not good i've realized that tears always fall even if you put your head down

i feel heartsick for all the things that I can't get back and wonder why i will never have life that i wanted ?

i miss my doodgy badly

Found out today our food stamps were canceled...crying a bunch...very frustrated and feeling hopeless...and hungry. Yesterday I was doing pretty good...and thinking maybe I could finally work my way out of the rut...and now this. I have lots of dietary restrictions for my digestive issues, and I was trying to also treat my depression/mania with a healthy diet...but I can't afford to now? So....that's life I guess....

I took 5 different tests for for depression, the last one was the MADRS and I finely got a score that said moderate depression instead of severely depressed! Like who am I trying to kid, I kept adjusting the answers with each test I'm so afraid to face any one for fear they will hospitalize me. I keep telling myself that they don't do that any more unless a person tries SI so I don't need to worry.
I know "it" will change-but when? I can't take medicine for depression but also I can't stay like this much longer -I'm even considering shock therapy but I haven't mentioned that to the P-doc yet. I don't know which is scarier--just keep my mind occupied--yeah--Occupy Brain! There's a bumper sticker, and an idea for congress. Occupy Double Dome!
My sleep s so messed up I sleep about every 40 or so hours and I dread it when I do between nightmares and when I wake up I feel worse, so much worse, crying and SI. I feel better the longer I'm awake-but the body has to sleep! I live in fear of sleep!

Had a rough night.

It was all I could do to fight the negative stuff in me.

I am safe.

Just down and sick.

thanks,

Billi

I had a job interview and got asked to come back for a 2nd interview. Despite all the crap that happened at the first interview (too long to explain here). I also had artificial insemination done this past Tuesday. I have to wait two weeks though before I can take a pregnancy test . Both of those have me very excited and hopeful. Also I think my increase in meds have kicked in as I'm not as depressed or having as many mood swings. I don't remember how long it has been since I have been this excited. It is almost too intense.

I am going to try to make it a point to check in daily. I'm new to on line chat. But need the support. Am going through really tough time. Thanks for being here

I'll never be loved...so fat and ugly...hopeless

f'in horrible...wasn't able to sleep at all last night but maybe 3 hours...

Its my niece birthday and I cant fake it today....
Lump in chest feeling defeated...
I am tired.

Blughhh..bored.

Hi I'm new here. I have depression. Today my mood has not been great but posting on here helps. This week has been one of the hardest depression related weeks I have had in months. I didn't have T this past week so that is part of what is going on with me but I hope that I am not going into a more depressed period because this is the worst I have felt in a long time. I am trying to stay positive and thinking that once things get back to normal with my T schedule my mood will improve again. Anyway take care everyone.

Hugz and Welcome turquoise4.