I'm Slipping So badly! ***TRIGGER***

Harley, I wasn't worried that I'd angered or upset you, I just didn't want you to let him and his actions anger/upset you, that's all. That's what he wants, to anger and upset people. Mainly me... But it's just not happening, I've come way too far in the last two years, to let a BOY, not a man, bring me crashing back down into the pits of depression, way too far.

Lynn, thank you. I'll be sure to PM you once I'm home this evening..

Idiot (Can I call you something else, like... Maybe... Superstar? Lol);
Thank you for your reply, it really brightened up my day, please don't ever think you've offended, upset or angered me in any way, I understood where you were coming from with your post, and when I replied explaining, that's all i wanted, was to help you to understand why I use the bright colours and such, it really does cheer me up to see an effort being made. Here's how I see it: If I can't be bothered to make an effort with how I look, on that particular day, at least I can brighten up my post, hopefully brighten up other peoples' day, and make myself feel better seeing a splash of colour, knowing I've made an effort with at least something.

Again, please don't be sorry, I understand how difficult, upsetting, and frustrating depression can be sometimes, and how ugly it can make us look as a person. I did not judge you when you posted your reply, I know that people struggle sometimes, and that's OK.

Thank you for your comments, I'm glad to see that others notice the effort I put into improving my life in some way. I'm understanding and open, because I have suffered all my life, I know how painful, how isolating, and frustrating that can be. I do not ever want to see others suffer in the way that I have, not if I can do something about it, so by being understanding, open minded, and proactive, I feel I can help others, especially when using my own knowledge and experiences with life.

I used to harm myself an awful lot, every time I felt guilty, upset, angry, generally unhappy, I would self harm. If things got really bad, I'd attempt suicide, because I got fed up, and didn't think that I was strong enough anymore, I didn't think that I could handle the pain anymore. Every single time, I was proved wrong.

I may come across as sound, strong, and generally in control of myself and my actions, but as we all know with depression, it's not always the case, I still have my days where I drop badly. Yesterday was one of those days...

I went into town, to get a few bits of shopping. I bought a new bag for work, because my old one broke, I bought a new pair of shoes, because I needed a new pair for work, I also bought some moisturiser and some Vitamin E oil, to help to reduce my scars and make me feel generally better about myself. I then went and had a sight test, my eyes are doing pretty well, I thought they'd deteriorated a lot, but they've only deteriorated a tiny bit, which was nice to see. Then, I spent an hour having my hair cut, which was lovely. My hair was in dire need of a restyle, and a boost. I love my hairdresser, he knows exactly how to make me feel, and look, a lot better. He did a fantastic job I then went and had my nails done. Most people would say all of this was unnecessary, but to me, it was all necessary. The bag and shoes, for work, the hair cut and sight test, for work, modelling, and to make me feel better about myself, the nails being done, for a shoot that I have tomorrow, and again, to make me feel better about myself. I left those salons feeling 1000 times better than I had before I went in, even though I'd been getting more and more excited about it all week.

I then got home, and my mood slipped for some reason, I really couldn't put my finger on it. I spoke to a friend about it, and we talked through what could be causing it. at first, I thought it was that I felt unimportant, like people weren't interested in me anymore, didn't want to talk to me, didn't really care. Then, I thought it was because of money worries, but I now don't have any money worries, so it wasn't that. Then, I thought it could be because I'm not singing at the moment... It clicked then, that actually, I felt rubbish because I think I'm not achieving anything. I said to my friend:

"I feel like I'm going to go nowhere with modelling, like I'm going to risk everything for singing and music, and get nowhere, like I'm just not good enough to be a singing teacher, or a professional singer, or possibly even a famous singer. I feel like I am going absolutely nowhere with my life at the moment..."

I think he was quite upset and shocked by what I'd said, because he went silent for a moment, then launched into why all of that is a big lie. Oooops. He was kind about it though, he knew what to say, and we're once again being proactive. I'll be looking for some other musos (musicians) near where I live, and getting together with people who are musically minded, like myself. Music is a big thing for me, it keeps me sane. If I lost my voice permanently, and couldn't sing, I think I would go insane. Singing and playing my guitar, writing music and lyrics, is a massive release for me, and because I haven't done it in so long, I have felt really stuffed up and down in some ways.

This morning, after having a shower, I found myself humming. I stopped myself three times before I eventually went upsatirs to do some ironing. I put some music on, and within seconds, I was singing again. I've woken up in a fabulous mood and I can't stop myself from singing, no matter how hard I try, it's strange!

How do I do it? I wish I could answer that question, so many people ask me, and I ask myself that same question every day. How on Earth do I get myself through every day, even when all seems lost and hopeless? I guess my only answer is that I Hope. My hope has never, ever given up on me, it's never left me, even when I've been in hospital after a suicide attempt, it's always whispered to just try one more time, and every time, I do. This is where it's got me.

I know I'm in a much better place than I was two years ago, two weeks ago in fact. I'm much happier, less stressed, my skin is clearing up, my weight is steadying out, I find myself able to treat myself better, by eating properly, going for that hair cut, having my nails done, buying the things that I need and generally doing daily things that are good for me.

I've just looked in the mirror at myself, standing up to talk to my friend, and my hair looks amazing. I washed it this morning, and left it to dry naturally. The wave in it is fabulous and my smile is sparkling I'm happy today, and I can't wait for many more days to come like this...

Thanks again, Superstar. You really live up to that name, you're so wonderful

Hey, thnx for your reply it triggered smthg in me, it made me feel- smthg i have not done in months. Im so glad your in the right path and that your optimistic about it. Its pretty amazing that u try to brighten your posts if ur life is goin pretty bad. U still amaze me, ur just so optimistic generally. I don't understand how some1 can be like that - ever. Just keep on goin in the right direction and continue to amaze others with your growth. I don't understand how u do it. Im so depressed and i cant ever think of smthg good, all my thoughts are about suicide and worthlessness. At least some ppl. Should grow from suffering and torture. Gluck. Oh and btw im no superstar im like just the opposite if that plus more. It could be more like suicidal or immune2pain rather then superstar. GLUCK!!!!!!!!

Hey, don't ever think you're not a superstar - something you'll learn as you grow through your depression, is that it is a monster that lies to you, telling you taht you are nothing. You ARE a superstar, and do you know why that is? Because someone has tolod you so. I have told you so, that will soon be enough, once you rise out of the depression that swamps you now.

I hope it was something positive that was triggered in you. I like to think that my ramblings help others in some way... Being optimistic is what gets me through every day, if I didn't try to think positively and ride the waves of negativity in the way that I do, I'd drown in my own depression and unhappiness. I've been there a few times, and every time I have vowed that I wouldn't go back there again. Of course, after the first time, I went there again, and after the second time, I did again, but each time it was worse and more difficult to get out of, but I did it, and the third time, I came round in hospital and here is what I thought.

'Why am i still alive? I shouldn't still be alive. I fell down the stairs knocked myself unconscious. Nobody knew where I was. Why am I here?'

Then, something clicked after I'd spoken to a nurse and come round some more, had some time to think and cry, get angry at myself for doing what I did and for ending up where I was. It clicked that actually, I have so much that I want to achieve, so many aspirations, hopes, wishes, and so many people that I'd like to meet, places I'd like to go. I strive every single day to be a better person tomorrow, than the person I am today. I decided that if I am dead, then how can I achieve anything that I wanted to achieve? I can't DO anything at all, let alone achieve anything. So, did I really want to be dead?
The answer came to me as a no. I thought long and hard about it, lost night after night of sleep, mulling over it, and decided that the reason I'd woken up in hospital all these times especially this time when my body was failing on me but clung on for dear life, was because I have far too many reasons not to die, far too many reasons to be here and to achieve, to do what I was born to do.

I haven't yet found out what that part is yet, but I think I'm getting there slowly as i grow, learn, and experience more in my lifetime. I'm just shocked that it took me so long, so much damage to my body, such a shock from the nurse telling me I almost died, for me to finally realise that I have more than enough to live for, I just need to work on it, and that I do actually want to achieve all of those things and live to make my Dad and my Foster Parents proud.

Anyway, enough rambling from me (again) I've got a headache again today, we've worked out that it's from being so tense all week, not having time to think or even relax during the week, and then all of that catching up on me at the weekends when I am doing not a lot and relaxing. So, I've come here to get my brain thinking and distracted and to see what joys you lovely people have posted, and once again, you've not failed in making me smile

Remember, you're a superstar!

I sat and read thru all of this. You are indeed a very strong and lovely girl. I admire your ability to rise above. You're like cream. You keep rising to the top and you will continue to do so.

You're truly inspiring.

ManicDad; My reaction was as follows:

....."Awww!"

That was a really lovely thing to say, even the cream thing made me melt somewhat... Thank you, what a kind thing for you to say! You have simply made my day. This is just the thing that I live for - people like you living in the World, who can see things and people for what/who they are and comment. How sweet.

Thank you. I love PC so much, all because of the people here. Everyone pulls together so neatly

You never sieze to amaze me. Ur simply awesome. Ill never understand how u do it. Ur ranbling helps more then you then u know. It actually really helps me k ow that there are others out there as bad ir worse of then me, im bir the ibly obe in this mess. The way you view life and you are so optimistic it just does sonething for me. Provibg that someone depressed can actually feel this way. Your an inspiration. Its amazing what you've come to. But thatdoesnt changemy depression- sorry. I wish it would. I might be drunk so im not sure what in writing. Just keep on rambling and inspiring ppl. It really helps its goodfor all of us. Thnx. Remmber in no superstar and i do not desreve to be called that

Sorry for the spelling/ grammar mistakes i giuss its the alchohol

Dear PainNeverDies,

I read through all of this too, like ManicDad and I feel like crying. You know people post things here and they never know how their words or stories can affect the hearts of others. I am truly amazed and inspired by your strength, your wisdom and your courage.

I am new here and I have been here a lot since I started. I feel like I don't have a place or don't have somewhere where I belong. I am longing for a career that I will be good at and enjoy and just find myself happy to get up and go to work each day.

You survived an abuser, who was looking to hurt you, and I am so proud of you for standing your ground and handling that so well. Don't be worried about others saying maybe you rushed into a new relationship too soon, what other people think is bologna, (but I know people like us take criticism to heart). You are beautiful inside and out and I hope to see more of you around the site in weeks to come. I am also sorry to hear about the friend that was so dependent on you and had the problem every day. How did you handle that? I know sometimes when in you're own space, you just want to take care of your own problems and you just can't be there for everyone else. It's hard, I know. But, you've come a far way and I am glad things are going well for you! Good luck and see you around the site

I'm proud of you PainNeverDies. I hope you take a look at the first post in this topic and the last and see how far you've come, and how much progress you've made. You're an inspiration to us all.

Sincerely,
Harley

It's funny that all of you have said about the first and last posts in this thread. Before you posted those comments, last night, I went through and read all my posts from the start of this thread and I cried. I actually cried. I went back to how much pain I was feeling back then, how mixed up, confused, frustrated and unhappy I was and I thought 'why, when I was feeling like this about David 3 months ago, did I not walk away those 3 months ago? Why did I not realise that he wasn't changing in the long run, and just go?' Then I realised that I'd seen how things were, I knew at the time how things were, and, being the kind of person that I am, I gave him another chance to prove that he could buck his ideas up somewhat. I know that I wasn't perfect, I had my bad days and I know that I miffed him off somewhat, sometimes, but I'm sure not to that extent...

So yes, I did read over my posts and I do see the difference. I've read over some of my even older posts, and the difference between those and this post, is massive, absolutely massive.

It really brightens me up, really lightens my heart to know that I'm inspiring people, just by growing myself, as a person, just by becoming myself again and sharing my thoughts, feelings and general musings.

Today was a difficult day. It started off fairly slow, I got into work at 9am, made a herbal tea to calm my head somewhat - it's been ages since I drank herbal tea, it was so yummy! Then the calls started slowly and stayed at a steady flow, which I was happy with. But then after I had lunch, stuffing myself with fruit and salad, I had horrible customer after horrible customer. By the time it was 4pm, I then had a call come in with a customer complaining to me for 21 minutes and 32 seconds exactly. At this point, my bladder felt like it was going to pop. Then, just as I advised my Team Leader that I was going on my break 20 minutes late, I got another call. From someone who was determined to yak and take part in a lot of chit chat. Another 6 minutes of agony, then I dashed to the bathroom... When I got back, I still managed to catch all the grotty, annoying customers, so it really crushed my day. Somehow though, I still managed to joke, laugh, chat happily and make others in the office laugh, it was nice.

Come home time, I was exhausted and fed up of hearing peoples' voices, so I stuck my earphones into my ears, grabbed a few bits for dinner tonight, including some lamb (which, by the way was gorgeous with boiled veg... Mmmmm!) And then hopped onto the train home. Strangely enough, I was walking tall. I had my head held high, I walked proudly down the street, like I was on a mission, knew where I wanted to go and wouldn't stop at anything to get there. I certainly felt better once I got home.

It was lovely, I was picked up from the station, had a rant in the car and comforted my partner who had also had a stressful day... Then we got home and he gave me a massive cuddle, it was so nice, he said he'd missed me all day and loved cuddles with me. When I asked why he'd cuddled me like that, he said because he loves my cuddles and wanted to show me how much he cares and just comfort me. Hmmm So, we had lamb for dinner which was really tasty, and I re-strung my guitar, which was therapeutic (after whinging slightly about my partner cleaning my guitar for me whilst I was out, because I find that therapeutic too. Of course, I started with 'I appreciate you doing it for me...') and now I just have to play the new strings, in. I can't wait

I'm sleepy now, my brain is like mush after today and I'm trying to do the shopping online as well as organise shoots, write this, sort out the cats and talk to my partner - I think my head may just explode lol...

Thanks again everyone for your replies, as difficult as today has been for more reasons than above, I'm enlightened and lifted by your positive comments.

It's so acomplishing and exciting to see how much one has grown. Im real glad u got that oppurtunity to see how much knowledge you've gained and all. Im probably never gonna get to that point but thats fine since im aware that i wont get very far. You shud just keep on going and inspiring others. Gluck with your rough moments. Its awesome to see how optimistic u soundi g u r even though u had a tough day. Continue doing so- at least some1 shud. G'luck. Keep On inspiring others, it helps others so much to see how some1 was capable of doing it. Btw is nicotine as in nicotine gum considered a drug?

I'm sorry I haven't replied to this, I have been horribly busy this last week and had to cancel a shoot for today because there was way too much faffing involved with travel, as there are no trains running so I couldn't get there and a few other things stopping me. I'm glad we decided to postpone, though, because I was shattered yesterday after a long cycle which I desperately needed, so I've now rested as much as I needed to thankfully.

You will get to that point, it just takes time and patience

This week has been a hectic week, it's really tired me out. I'm still truckin' on though, I need to otherwise I'd get nothing done. The cats got out last night without us noticing, so we panicked that we'd lost them, but they were just roaming around the garden. Flo, our little girl, was sitting there looking in, and when I opened the door, she bolted in and wrapped herself around my legs. Funny little thing, it really cheered me up.

I'm so pleased that I got out on my bike yesterday, it was just what I needed. The fresh air, the exercise, the burning of my muscles as I pedalled home as fast as I could... I cycled around 3 miles, which is good considering I haven't cycled in months. I'm quite pleased with that.

I've ha d a few issues crop up over the last few days, hence being quite mute, but I'm getting back on track with everything - I've been suffering horrendous migraines because I had SO much stress, which dissipated, causing the migraines to come on because my brain/head is relieved of stress, so is kind of expanding from the relaxation - I guess that's how it works, anyway. It's so painful and I've been really ill with it. I've been taking painkillers most days to ease the pain somewhat and I have an appointment with the Neurologist in a few weeks time, to find out whether there's anything else causing it, and whether we can do anythign to ease or prevent them.

As much as I hate the migraines, I'm pleased they're around, in some way, because it shows that the stress has eased off an awful lot. Of course there are still a few stresses there, but in a couple of months they will be gone. Possibly even in a couple of weeks, if I get my way

Anyway, enough babble. Thanks everyone for being such lovely people.. You're all so inspiring and special

Youre the inspiring and special one, trying to work thru all difficulties that come up. Its so good to hear that there are ppl out there that arr getting better rather than worse. So just keep on inspiring all of us here. Hope you have a calmer week.

So far, it's gotten more manic, but I'm truckin' on. I have a shoot tomorrow, taht I am so, SO excited about. I've never met the photographer before, but he is reputable and we're shooting in the studio, testing for our official shoot. I am so excited because I know that his work will get me so much more work and I hope to work with him many more times.

The sort of thing we will be shooting, is for a book that he is currently creating. I am working so hard to get and keep my body in shape for this, because it is such an important thing to me. Ahhhh! I'm so excited, I can't contain it lol... It's been something I've looked forward to for the few months I've had it booked.

I am worried, though, about getting lost on my way there. So worried. But I know that as long as I follow the directions and keep my phone charged, I'll be fine. If anything, he can come to meet me.

Exciting stuff, wish me luck!

I'm impressed with your view of the situation. May both the stress and the pain dissipate!
Congratulations! May the shoots prove successful beyond your expectations!

Hi tpnd

I have just read your posts from start to finish and may I say WOW, how inspirational.

I am a partner of a depressed lady and your experiences have also opened my eyes to see from your point of view. I love my partner dearly and it can be a big struggle for both of us.

Can I ask, if you don't mind, how often you attended therapy? I'm new to PC and still learning so if my question is out of line then please let me know.

Congrats on the shoot! I hope things go amazing for you!

Thank you everyone for your replies. The shoot was supposed to be an hour long, but it lasted only 15 minutes - he was so impressed, we'd got the images he was looking for in just those 15 minutes, so spent the last 45 minutes talking about photography, modelling, music and general life. It was amazing. I was so, so nervous this morning, worrying that I wouldn't get it right and would really mess up, but to my surprise, I didn't mess up once and must have done a damned good job to get the shots so quickly and easily.

TTUAH: I attended therapy once a week at first, then dropped to once every fortnight, and then once a month. If, when I was doing monthly sessions, I felt I couldn't cope or was just generally struggling, I could call for an extra appointment. Therapy helped me, but the biggest help of all was me. My own willpower, determination and push to get through it. Therapy is only an aid, we have to want to get better, to actually get better. It's a difficult thing to do, but we can all do it if we try.

Again, I am so pleased that I can inspire people. I do not think that I am inspiring in any way, but I do hope to help others with my own experiences of life... I don't want to ever regret anything that's happened to me in my life, so to avoid that, I use it to help other people. It just makes sense to me..