I'm Slipping So badly! ***TRIGGER***

Both of them, Terry. It seems to be more the doctors who aren't taking me seriously. It's really messed up. Yes, I am of legal age. I am 20. But they don't seem to think that makes a difference. They KNOW I've always been mature for my age but they still don't seem to listen.

Being called fat from the age of 5, nicknames like chubs and little snide comments like 'pull your tummy in chubs' were a part of my striving for perfection through how I look. Also being told I'm NOT and never will be good enough, is part of that. I know that. So I'm always trying to be BETTER, MORE than good enough..

I won't go into detail, but let's just say I was sexually assaulted a few years ago, when I was 17 and was sexually abused from the age of 7.


I know.. I'm just trying to do everything myself because to me, doing it myself makes me a better person, makes me stronger than everyone else, makes me more than good enough...

Can you find another doctor somehow? Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right person.

Such horrible, mean comments...but for some reason us human beings hang on to negative words for dear life... wonder why we are programmed like that?? why can't we remember only the nice words..? and oh dear, you are in the modeling world, where looks are all that matters. But I know you are so much more.

I won't go into detail, but let's just say I was sexually assaulted a few years ago, when I was 17 and was sexually abused from the age of 7.

You really should talk this out with a counselor of some sort. All these painful and enraging experiences swirling around in your mind. You really need to have a safe place to bring them out and process them.

Feeling the need to prove yourself that way is a heavy burden for anyone. When you say you want to do everything yourself do you mean fix your problems on your own? I know it can be very empowering. Do you think you can do it? I processed my own issues myself but it took me so long, much too long. Please don't suffer any longer than you need to. if I had had insurance, I would have seen a T every day if I could...talk therapy can be very healing.

or have you ever heard of psychodrama? It's where one's T helps one reenact one's traumas but with the chance to change their outcome. I heard it could help but can also be scary if it doesn't as it dredges up all the pain again. It needs to be done by someone well trained in that method.

What can also be very empowering, healing and nurturing is making the right decisions for oneself.....even if it is to seek help from others.

sigh...well, I hope I haven't been too much...just want you to find the peace and happiness you deserve. Oh why can't it be easier????

I'm currently in the process of changing doctors, it's hard because I work full time so I don't get the time to go into the new surgery and hand over details etc. I', doing to do it in March when I have booked a day off to do a shoot - I'll have the morning free to see the doctor then.

I wish we didn't hang on to all the negative words, really I do! It's hard not to I guess because we're so worried about other peoples' opinions of us, no matter how much we protest that we're not, we are, so we cling onto what others say that they think of us. Modelling is difficult at the best of times with looks being everything and such, but I'm doing well with coping with that I think. I've lost weight and I'm becoming much happier with how I look and the way I look after myself in day to day life now.

I know I need to have a safe place to talk about the abuse and such, it's just hard having the time. Working full time means I couldn't see a counsellor in the week, unless they were right near my office and I could go to see them during a lunch break or something. I don't know. I really do need to get all these painful experiences out, because in all honesty, being brutally honest, I feel like I could lash out at everyone in the World. 'Why don't you?' I hear people ask... Because I know how terrible, how utterly painful and soul destroying it is to have someone lash out at you because of their own insecurities, their own differences, their own anger and upset. I just couldn't hurt people like I've been hurt. I couldn't hurt anyone at all.

Yes, I mean fix my problems on my own and generally do day to day things myself, like cleaning and organising everything at home. Then again sometimes I wish others would take the daily burdens away from me and let me deal with my problems for once... It seems my problems have to take a back seat constantly because I have so many other things to concentrate on that are apparently more important. Hmmph.

Psychodrama sounds so scary, I'd fear my epilepsy would suddenly kick in big time. It's known to when I get very, very stressed. It's not a major problem, but if I end up getting too stressed, it turns into a very big problem. Luckily(?) I get ill when I'm stressed, which forces me to slow down or in severe cases, stop completely and rest. If I don't, I know epilepsy will take over and cause me to fit which in turn will mean me having time off work, David having to take care of me and others being worried etc. I don't want that to happen because I'd then feel selfish.

I thrive on making the right decisions for myself, but again I'm constantly so worried that I'm going to step off the path by making the wrong decision and horribly regret it. Simple things like today, buying a new hoover. I tested it when i got home and was so pleased that I'd decided to swap the original one I'd chosen for another one, because the other one is so much better and does even more than I'd hoped it would, it's more powerful and cleans everything up so nicely (I'm a massive clean freak). Also, signing up for Graze boxes twice a week, I struggle with an ED, so this was a hugely empowering thing for me to do and when my box arrived on Friday, I looked at everything in it and it just looked so beautiful, enticing and just so exciting to think about eating - it consists of seeds, nuts, fruit and oats. I can't wait to take the first box to work with me

Your last comment about why can't it be easier... I think the very same a thousand times a day! It's infuriating how awkward everything has to be for us who struggle huh... We get there somehow!

Sorry for the long delay in replying - I've been so busy with work and modelling I've really not had a chance to get online at all

Brava, TPND! Brava!

Thank you. I guess for me it's just a given. I'm just not that type of person at all, I couldn't be evil if my life depended on it. Even though right now I feel like screaming, shouting, crying and hitting anything that gets in my way because life and the World is such an unfair place and always takes the best people away.

Hello TPND--I'm so glad to see your update. I was exhausted from just reading about your schedule! You said one of the reasons you keep busy is so that you don't have to deal with all your woes. I can totally understand that...it's so very painful to go through one's traumatic memories....but that is the only way to heal. Yes, psychodrama might not be right for you but I really hope you will consider talk therapy. I think if you could just find the right therapist, you would probably want to find more time for sessions. Could one of your barriers be how to find the right T? Many will do free phone consultations to see if you all are compatible, in fact I had my grief therapy with one T all by phone. I know they are busy too and it is hard to get appointments when you want them but at least give it a try? maybe modern technology could help...skype maybe?

It seems you have started to take steps to take care of yourself by signing up for the graze boxes. What motivated you to do that?

I think that's really sweet and uplifting of you to refuse to project your own hurt on others. You really should feel proud of yourself for that.

I hope things go well for you, and that over time, there won't be any hurt to project.

((((Thepainneverdies)))) we like you. You are probably pretty. You sound really sweet. Please stay safe. The world would be dimmer without you. Hope the fleas are gone. My doggy had fleas. I put medicine between shoulder blades and it went away. Then i had to buy different medicine for cats. The cats cant use the dog medicine. Your grazing box sounds cool. I'm proud of you. I'll make you a deal. If you go to pdoc or counselor , i'll tell mine about the voices telling me to kill myself. I know it' s scary, but maybe it would be
less of a burden. I know what it's like to work a lot and have everyone count on you. I kinda tried it i think. I was dissociated and it's
fuzzy . Maybe it was an accident. I think it was 50% accident and 50% my alter trying to kill me.i remember i thought i was going to die and i wasnt scared. So some if us like living and some dont. Unfortunately, we share a body. So, do we have a deal?

Terry, your reply made me laugh, the part about you being exhausted just reading my schedule. I know... I make myself too busy for my own good!
I think yes, one of my barriers is finding the right T. When I lived in Somerset I had the right T, but it's a matter of finding the right one now and finding one that would be close enough to my work place to allow me to go there before or after work. I've never actually tried a phone consultation, that sounds like a really good idea. But then again it's having the time out to be able to do it because if I do it on my lunch break, everyone at work will hear my conversation and usually I start really early or finish too late or I'm working the same hours as most Ts do!

The thing that motivated me to get the Graze box was that a friend who is also a model had got one and advertised it on her page. She's a very well established, full time model so I thought her doing that means it would probably be a good idea for me. So far it's working well. I've done OK with food today, ok I missed breakfast but at least I had my Graze snack of oat biscuits with caramelised onion marmalade. It was yum. I'd like to be more healthy, have 3 meals and 2 snacks a day, do it all properly so the Graze box was a way of starting that.

((((((((Likewater)))))))))

Your reply was so lovely! It made me feel warm and fuzzy. It made me feel like I'm wanted SOMEWHERE in the World, even if it's not a chosen place. The pretty part - I have a few pictures from shoots on my profile if you'd like to see what I look like - they're a little dated though.
You saying you're proud of me is just what I needed to hear, it's so helpful when people say that to me because I never feel like anyone's proud of me, I often feel like I'm letting people down. I like that you feel the World would be a dimmer place without me. I'd like to feel the same way about myself. The World would definitely be a very dull place without you - you're so kind.

We have a deal. I'm trying to find a T, promise.. It's just such hard work trying to find the right one It's hard work dealing with depression alone, let everyone and everything else huh...

(((Thepainneverdies))) my heart just soared. Ok i see my T on tuesday and will tell her. Can anyone refer you to their T? Maybe you
dont need to keep it a secret. Like you said, it is hard dealing with depression on your own,you need a support network of friends, but ypu have to be honest with them so they can help you. So easy to write---so hard to do.i know, but people may not have it as together as you think they do and their reaction to a disclosure from you may be different than you expect.

I found out my supervisor is seeing a T. Because i got arrested because state trooper thought i was on drugs but it was my disorder- people at work know now. They didnt bat an eye. I guess they knew i was a little"different"
sometimes.i' ll have to log on my bfriends computer to see your picture. Then i'll figure out how to put one up of my dog and me. I
have a standard poodle.

I don't actually know anyone who has a T, seriously. None of my friends around here see a T. Most of my friends know about my depression, even work colleagues know because they see my scars at work on a daily basis. No-one's ever made a comment though which is nice and no-one stares either.

I will do what I can to find a T. I know I need to see someone and I know I really need to shape up with my Mental Health because I know I'm not taking care of it as I should be.. It's just hard work at the moment :/

Thank you for your replies, it's been helpful

Growing up I never knew anyone who saw a T. The concept never even entered my mind so when I got depressed I just suffered for years. Then one day I heard that Jessica Simpson saw a T and a light bulb went on in my old dense brain I just went, good lord if she can see a T, well so can I!! and off I went and have not looked back. One thing I did learn was that I could help the T by telling them what I needed them to ask me because deep down I kind of knew where I needed to go...in case this helps. Anyhoo--Best of luck to you hun!!

Yeah, I was always told that seeing a T was the worst thing in the World when I went to see one when I was 13 and I had the p1ss ripped out of me, was called loopy and a nutcase by my own Adoptive Family. Nice huh... Then again, they were the ones causing me to need to see a T.

I've learned to tell the T what sorts of questions to ask me and I've learned to tell them the truth, that I need pushing for an answer sometimes. That sometimes just a "how are you? How was your week?" isn't good enough. I've learned to tell them that actually, they need to ask why my week was bad and why such an event made it bad etc. Not many people push me for answers which is frustrating because I only give answers if people seem interested by pushing for them. I feel they're not truly interested if they're not asking more... It's messed up, that way of thinking, I know. I've yet to learn to just be more open sometimes.

I'm tired, sorry if I've rambled and not made much sense. Today has been exhausting and I have a horrible headache which, by the end of this week, will turn into a migraine no doubt.

I don't think it's messed up. I can see your line of thinking. Questions like that are easy to brush off as a mere formality unless someone shows a genuine interest. I don't think that's messed up at all.

Dear ThePainNeverDies, I see a T because my mom is schizophenic and abused
And tried to kill us. So i figured i would always do anything to not be like her. Also, i had to drive a bfriend home once afted his brother had killed himself. The mom was still airing out the house when we got there (it was a two hour drive) his brother had used the carin the garage. I'll never forget the look on that mom's face or my boyfriend at the time's face. I NEVER want that to be my
legacy. People might say i'm weak for going to counseling, but i'm actually strong, and i'll be very brave tomorrow and tell my counselor about the voices.

.

Thank you Harley, that was very uplifting and positive to read on what seems to be a difficult evening this evening. The difficult times seem to be happening more than the positive times but I'm not letting it beat me. As much as I cried last night, I still woke up this morning and left work this evening with a smile on my face. A little anecdote...

I was walking through town and I felt the way I was standing when I walked... I had my head held high, I was walking at a fast pace and I didn't feel slumped/hunched when I walked, I was standing tall. It was the first time I thought about it properly and realised that I've actually come such a long way in such a small way. It's a huge achievement for me.

I got in the car this evening with David driving and when we'd dropped our friend off at home, he was driving home and said "Do you think you've come a long way?" I replied "Since...?" He said "Well, since before we met... After you'd left Connor and were at the lowest of low points." It certainly made me think..
"Well.. Yes. I know I have." His reply "Because you've lifted yourself out of that and you don't get like that anymore. You're so much better than you were.." I came back with; "Well, I can't say I don't get like it at all.. I still have thoughts but no, I never act out my thoughts anymore. Yes I get times where I'm scared to be alone but that hasn't happened in a while. I just cry lots now instead... Yeah, I think I've come a hell of a long way from where I was. i don't self harm anymore, I don't attempt suicide, my ED is under better control than it was with the odd slip up instead of it being the odd time where I'm not starving myself. I feel better, I look better, I am better. But I've still got some way to go." That surprised me, hearing myself say that. David just replied with "But you haven't. You've done the hard part, you've admitted that you were struggling and needed to do something about it and you've stepped in and done something about it. You've pulled yourself out of it, you've improved your life massively. This time last year, you were self harming, attempting suicide at least 3 times a week and you weren't eating properly at all. You didn't have a job, you were on benefits, you were horribly depressed and saw no positivity in your life. Now - You have a job, you've not self harmed in a year and a half, you're eating much more healthily, you're in a job you actually find yourself not whinging about and you enjoy it more than you did your last jobs and even more than you did being unemployed, you're a model, your hair, skin, nails, muscles, everything about you looks so much healthier, you smile so much more, your teeth look amazing, you take better care of yourself, you laugh every day, you always come up with a reason to be positive. And, you're engaged to me, we live in our own place together and we have no debts with our current flat and you're catching up on your past debts, you're tidying up those last few loose ends. I'm so proud of you. You're an inspiration even to me, to everyone whose life you touch. You're beautiful, you're successful at everything you try your hand at. You can do anything."

David having that conversation with me has opened my eyes. I whinge sometimes about things being miserable and how rubbish life is sometimes, but life can hand out all matter of dirt it wants and I just take it and turn it into gold. I know that. I wouldn't have been able to do all of this if I hadn't been determined and the only thing that made me determined was my own hope that things could improve, that I could improve things. I vowed not to hurt, betray or anger anyone and I always stick to that. I always promised myself I'd be the best person I could be, the person i was brought up to be by my Foster Parents; Honest, kind, loyal, loving, compassionate, helpful... I wouldn't ever mean to hurt anyone and if I ever did hurt anyone, I do and would instantly apologise and make it up to them.

As much as I've been hurt in my life, as much as I have wanted to just give up I never have. Why? I hear you ask... Because I have hope, I have so much hope and even when things are so bleak and feel so hopeless there's still a twinkle, still a little whisper that whooshes past and says "Just try, one more time. Just hope, one more time" And I always do, because I always believe that hope is there for a reason, that I am MEANT to hope and that I am meant to get through whatever troubles I am suffering.

It's hard having so much hope because sometimes I wish my body, my head, my heart would let me give up but so far it's proved right to have given in to that hope. So far things have improved with my own determination I have made it.

Like I've said, I'm still not there, I'm still feeling down this evening but what David has said has really lifted my spirits, just thinking about things and seeing things how they really are has really made me think 'yeah.. You're right.. You go girl and kick some butt!'

Anyway, enough babble - I'm exhausted and have had such a troublesome week... I miss my Foster Dad tonight which is really hurting but I'm keeping positive, I know he wouldn't want to see me sad because of him. I just miss and love him so much.

I never want people to see me how I used to be again, never. I was a total horrid mess and if anyone ever saw me like that I have told them in advance they have to shake me out of it and remind me with pictures and bits I've written, why I don't want to go there again, why I'd much rather be where I am now.. I'd rather be happier than I am now but I know that will come with time and therapy - lots of it. Seeing a counsellor is not weak, it IS strong, you're right. Were strong for being big enough to stand up and say 'actually, y'know what... I'm not ok, I'm not happy, I'm not fine, I'm not myself. Please help me to be all of those.' That's what strength is to me, the ability to stand up and say how we really feel, to stand up against the liars and tell the truth. Yes telling the truth when I was 16 got me kicked out and living alone, but I know I did the right thing and I'd rather that than live with a horrible, wicked, evil family who beat me and hurt me and made me feel like I was no-one and nothing. I'd rather know I did the right thing than still be hurting, knowing I did the wrong thing.

We're better than depression, we all know that. We just have yet to find a way to get us that final push out of it... It's there somewhere.

Anyway, I'll stop boring you now... Bath time and relaxation for me. Hypnotherapy to get me sleep Thanks for all your replies everyone, I'd love some hugs if you don't mind sending them my way - hugs make me feel better.

You are an inspiration TPND--sending many hugs your way.

Thank you.

This week has started badly already. Sunday I was shooting all day and at around 1pm I suddenly felt ill. I had a very sore throat and found it hurt to swallow. Then an hour later, a migraine hit and got to its worst very quickly.

By the time the shoot was over, I was shivering non stop, I could hardly breathe properly, I couldn't eat, drink or walk properly.. So when I stepped off the train and slumped into Dave's car, he drove me to the hospital and we waited four hours to have me checked over, blood tests done, results to come back and then I be told my white blood cell count was up and something else, which showed my body is fighting an infection.

In the end, I was told I have a chest infection, tonsillitis, severe migraines and I'm suffering from over exhaustion. Oops. So, I'm on antibiotics and tramadol and I've had the last 2 days off work. Today I wanted to go in because I had a training course to go to. But David refused to drive me to work because I'm 'too weak and sick to even attempt getting out of bed' which is true, but I was hardly going to admit that.. So here I am, lying in bed annoyed with myself because every time I stand up, the room spins and every time I move my eyes to look at something beside me, they go all fuzzy and make the room spin. It's driving me barmy!

So yes, my work ethic, the fact that I work hard every single day and book myself up with shoots every weekend to keep myself busy and to give me something to do that I enjoy, that I also work hard at, has now hit me full force and my body's given up on surviving what I put it through every day. It's frustrating. I cannot do anything apart from lie in bed, feeling the room spin and my head fall heavy, with the cats outside the room making a mess and scratching on the door, mewing to come in. I've not even had a shower or got dressed today, I feel that rotten. I very, very rarely get this ill. The last time I was this ill was 3 years ago when I had Swine Flu.

My body is itching all over which I cannot stand, I feel weak, dizzy, in pain and generally like a complete waste of space and a total, utter failure.

Sorry guys, I can't write much more, I've made a turn for the worst

I am very sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. I hope you make a swift and speedy recovery.

You mentioned you shoot...what do you shoot? I'm hoping to add another rifle to "the family" soon, so it's always nice to find another shooter.

Do take care. I will be praying that you feel better soon.

I'm almost recovered, I'm still not 100% but I'm able to control it for the work days. I'm back at work at least.

I meant shooting in the sense of photography/modelling

Tonight, all I can say to myself is "I can't do this, I can't cope, I can't do it anymore, I can't I can't I can't" because I'm sitting here, pulling my hair out, scratching myself, absolutely bawling my eyes out because I feel like I'm falling apart and no-one cares, all they want is to test me and when I don't react, push harder to break me.

I sat talking to David last night, getting out of him why he's stressed and not feeling good, I sat there all evening and helped him, tried to come up with ways to make things easier for him. He then asked this morning after I said I'm not coping, why am I not coping? And I said I'd talk about it tonight...

Tonight comes and I find he's made plans to go out with the lads. Fair enough, but he 'forgot' how important it was to me that we talked. Strike one. I then discussed with a 'friend', whilst he was getting petrol, what I'd planned for dinner - it was the first time I'd planned dinner in advance - and he got back into the car after I was about to tell him what I was having for dinner and said 'Oh I'm not coming home for dinner. I'm going straight out.' After whinging about NO money?!?! After whinging about how STRESSED he is because of that no money?? After whinging that I'm not organised when I come home!?!?!? Thanks Dave, really, thank you.

Thank you for 'forgetting' that I'm really not okay and never admit it until I'm literally on the brink of killing myself. Thank you for appreciating that I spent an hour last night making you lunch for today even though I really didn't feel up to it, then throwing half of it away because 'you didn't have time to eat it' MAKE time!! You make time for dinners that you BUY yourself!!! thank you for leaving me standing there crying, falling apart while you dashed out to play games... Yeah, thanks. I feel great right about now.

So, I now have scratches over my face, red, puffy eyes, a sore head, scratches on the palms of my hands and arms and rather painful bones from hitting myself. Great way to spend a Thursday night. All because I feel like all the effort I put into everything, all the effort I could possibly muster up, that I put into everything, is just not worth it, is pointless because I get jip for it. People take the p1ss with it and keep taking, plus they don't even appreciate it, they brush it aside as though it's nothing, throw it away, look at it like it's no more than a piece of **** they just picked up off the floor...

So today, when I was feeling awful and wanting to cry but keeping quiet, mulling things over letting things boil up inside, David was discussing with Hazel who he would drop off first etc. He then turned to me and said "Are you ok with that? Me dropping you off first?" In my head, what was about to come out of my mouth was "I'm not really fussed" But what actually came out was "I don't give a ****." Hazel screwed up her face and went "Alriiiiight!" and David sighed and shook his head, turning to look out of the window. Then he pulled off at the traffic lights at high speed, over revving the engine because he was obviously annoyed.

So, after I realised what I said, I turned and said 'I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry. I meant to say it doesn't really matter to me, it's not something I care about right now because I have a hell load on my plate and have more important things to be worrying about. Either way it doesn't really matter who's dropped off first, not to me anyway.' And he came back with 'Oh you did mean to say that' to which I replied, 'No. Really David, I didn't. What I thought I was saying was not what actually came out. I didn't mean to say it, it just happened. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it in that way. Ok?'

Again, a shake of the head. Once I'd asked OK again twice, he said 'ok' and then later I muttered that I loved him and he looked at me and said it back. But before he left the flat, even with me standing there falling apart in front of him, he didn't even hug me, kiss me, say goodbye or say anything to comfort me. He just stood there and looked on as I completely fell to pieces. Then left the room when he got a call from Hazel saying he needed to move his car and said he wouldn't come back up because he didn't want to leave her in the car on her own..

How great I felt and still feel. Knowing that he's gone out, to enjoy himself while I'm stuck here crying, feeling like the most pointless person ever created, knowing that I could've been out with my friends had I never moved here in the first place. I resent the fact that he can go out and enjoy himself but I can't because I don't really know anyone here, I feel like a social recluse, like a nobody, someone who people just have there for their own benefit, to use as they wish...

So yeah, I'm feeling really awful tonight, more awful than I've felt in a long time, to the point where I think my slip of the tongue in the car was a dissociation..

I feel terrible. All I wanted was a hug just to say everything would be okay and that he's there for me, but I didn't even get that.

Will it, will I, will everything be okay? I don't know. Right now it doesn't feel that way.

Ah, my mistake. Owning 9 (going on 10) rifles will sort of do that to you.

I am sorry you're feeling down though. I hope things will pick up for you.

I would tell you that things can and will pick up. Just try to give it time is all.

You mentioned you don't have many friends where you are...why not try to make a few? Perhaps that would help you feel less alone whenever David goes out, or just whenever. It can't hurt, and I don't think you'd have much trouble making a few.

Try not to let this matter with David get to you. Even the best of couples have their occasional misunderstandings or fights. I don't think he was entirely in the right leaving you dropped off if you were visibly upset, but everyone needs some time with friends every now and then, you know? I think his timing was rather poor if you had planned dinner, and as I said, I don't like that he went if you were upset, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or anything like that.

As for you, stay strong. I know you can, based off your last posts. Know that we're all here for you, and I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Regards,
Harley

What I hear in your posts: you are smart, emotionally intelligent, insightful, thoughtful, respectful of yourself and others, loving, kind, tolerant, AND, you have a huge capacity for pain. Of course you are many more wonderful things. I am just mentioning a few. Have you looked at your situation from this perspective: you are in this space, albeit a miserable one, for a reason? I am not referring to religion here as I am not at all religious. I do believe our emotional brain (there is such a thing) has tasks for us to accomplish for various reasons, all of which point to a learning process. Whenever I experience repetition in my life I ALWAYS pay attention because it usually means old haunts are returning in order to give me an opportunity to do things differently this time, to learn a new way of being or doing. And I believe those things will continue to come back into our lives until we resolve the conflict associated with that particular issue. Cutting is a classic example and it affects so many people in such a similar way. You think you are done with it, that you have learned new ways to cope, then BAM, it's back and you think, **** ! I have made no progress in my life. But really, it has come back for a reason, perhaps to ask you if you are ready to feel the pain in a healthy way. Whenever I get stuck, I give my emotions a voice and I pose a question: depression, why have you returned? What do you want me to know? What is your purpose? Then I journal and get a tad creative with the answer. Just keep in mind that old material/ issues will continue to return in order to give us a chance to resolve the matter once and for all. Once we have successfully dealt with the issue, it goes away, for good. You speak of many things that have returned. Each issue deserves attention. It is very unfortunate that your emotional brain sent you ALL of these issues at once but that is out of your control. You can choose to list everything, then tackle each issue one by one so you feel less overwhelmed. It sounds like you have a high tolerance for pain, although I can appreciate that it feels very different from where you are. Now you are saying, rightly so, "enough". You are also asking for help and you are reaching out - all good stuff. I liked some of the suggestions you received about going into therapy and dealing with specific issues. Pick a couple that seem central to your depression and start there.
Your Dad's anniversary seems like a logical first step because it's such a pronounced trigger, but I wouldn't be surprised at all if your first choice is something else, like the issue of coping skills or feelings of low self-esteem. Depression can cause us to panic and feel scared and vulnerable but really, it does not sound like you are being held at gunpoint and told to fix everything this minute. You may feel pressure to address everything immediately but in reality you probably have some flexibility with your time. You want "out" of these feelings, who wouldn't, but honestly it just takes time. The more you fight your depression the worse it will become. It does not have to be your enemy. Depression is a messenger that sends us a signal to pay attention to something. Clearly, it has your attention, so listen. What is it saying? Only you have the answer but a trained clinician can guide you there. Listen, be patient with yourself- it's not a race, and take things on a little at a time. Your posts make it clear that you already have many of the skills needed to do the work. Now, slow down, take a breath, and try posing a question. You might be really surprised to "hear" the answers to your questions. Give it a try if it doesn't sound too crazy to you. What do you have to lose? Lastly, give yourself credit for what is going right in your life. Y

Sorry...got cut off...I was just going to say that it is obvious you have a lot to offer others. Try offering yourself some of that compassion. You deserve it!
Daze

There you are! I only find you when you have posted, my beautiful friend across the waters. Yeah boyfriends let you down. They are only human. Mine told me to cancel his Valentintine's gift because HE was stressed out. Meanwhile, i was in jail for crashing car on railroad tracks and failing sobriety test. I was sober , but dissociating so they thought i was on drugs and wouldnt give me blood tests.. instead kept me in station and queastioned me for hours where i had flashbacks and missed my meds because they were impounded in the car. But my boyfriend was stressed. Guys can be poopheads. He apologized . Patrol officers dropped the charges. I
kept my word and told T about voices. Trying to get a pdoc. First one not accepting new patients. Left voicemail with another. They are: harder to get into see than i thought. (((TPND)))) please make a list of things you can do instead of self injury. Here are some of mine

Things to do instead of si:

Watch favorite movie
Go for a walk
Have a cup of tea
Break dishes ( if it's really, really bad)
Call a friend
Write on pc :-)
Journal
read a book
Color or paint or doodle
Pray or meditate
Go to friends house
Go to park or public place and sit with people
Jump on the bed
yell and scream
Punch pillows
Dance
Basically do ANYTHING as long as it is safe
do jumping jacks

Go to work if can