I'm Slipping So badly! ***TRIGGER***

Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for your replies. I stayed off my laptop for a few days because I knew I was out of control the other night and wasn't sure what I'd say. This reply will be long...

Harley: Things have picked up for me somewhat, I still feel upset and down, but nowhere near like I was the other night. I've managed to get some control back by talking to David about how I've been feeling and why. I did raise my voice, I did swear, I did shake my fists in my lap, but it seems to have helped and I think Dave understood

As for not having many friends, I really find it hard to make friends because I never know what to say to people in conversation. I am not a social bunny, I've been taught not to be social since I was a child, because every time I was social I go hurt, or I just wasn't allowed to be social at all and I was labeled a freak. So I'm afraid of that label and shy away from people because of that - I know though, that this probably makes people think less of me - I am trying to fix this, it's very hard but I'm picking up on more hobbies and will be booking myself in to go horse riding once a month, meeting new people and I'll be starting to spend time with people I already know and people they know that I don't, ergo making new friends who have the same interests as me.

I understand that everyone needs time out and needs to spend time with friends, that's why when David asked if I wanted him to not go, I said no, go. Because I care about his welfare and I knew it would help him to go out and do what he enjoys. It was the way that he left that did it for me, it was a quick escape because our 'friend' called and gave him that quick escape. In fact, she was the one who told him we needed time apart (behind my back) and told him to go to the gaming that evening, so he followed her advice which upset me - and I SWEAR that she is trying to tear us apart and that really hurts. I've had people try to do that before and I fought against it because I cared about that person, but in the end that person WAS bad for me like they said he was. I appreciate that I'm not easy to live with and that I stress David out sometimes and maybe his friends see that and tell him to back off or whatever, but they don't always see the good times we have and the times where I encourage him to do what he enjoys and encourage him to spend positive time together. Like last night, we agreed to go to the cinema together and we cooked dinner before hand which was really enjoyable because we sat and ate TOGETHER which is rare. Then we ordered our tickets and while we waited for time to pass, we both had a drink together and talked about happy things. And then we watched the film at the cinema and cuddled up at the scary bits (lol) That was really nice and he agreed that he'd felt relaxed and like he'd enjoyed himself.

Daze: Thank you for pointing out the good things you see/hear in me. I've learned that almost everything negative that happens to me is there to test me, to make me stronger. When people say that they cannot cope, I quote to them:

"Life is not there to run you over when you're down. It is there to test you, to make you stronger."

I've lived by that quote for quite some time. I'm not sure what I should deal with first, I do agree that my Dad's anniversary is an important thing to deal with, but at the same time I think the most important thing to start with first, is controlling my emotions in a more positive way. I am WAY too good at hiding my emotions, stuffing them down and letting them build up without realising until it's too late - David said he hadn't known I was this bad because I'm so good at hiding it, until I started having more and more down days - but like I said to him, he didn't probe like I need him to. He says "Are you ok?" I always say yeah I'm fine, why? I've advised him to give open, not closed questions, like "What's wrong?" So that I KNOW for a fact that he acknowledges something is wrong and is interested to know what's bothering me, therefore I am more likely to answer with "Well, it's..." That would be helpful to me. I need to learn to let out my emotions bit by bit, as they come, not let them build up until I erupt like a volcano. That is the first step I think and it's a very difficult step, I've been trying to learn this for some time but it's hard because I always feel like people aren't interested but I suppose sometimes I just have to "shout" that I need their support. I don't mean literally shout, but I think you know what I mean...

I know it would be helpful to see a T and I am doing what I can. Work makes it very difficult but I'm trying to come up with ways to work around that... It's not that I'm making excuses or trying to get out of it because I wish I did have the time to do it.

I used to write a journal with all my questions and answers and general daily struggles, but then it got stolen by my Adoptive Family to prove how nuts, mental and insane I am (their words). So I never bothered after that. I didn't have the beginning of the story so why bother? I couldn't start from the middle of my story, so I just didn't see the point. I know I should probably start writing again, but again it's having the time and energy to do it.By the time I've got home after work, tidied up, cooked, cleaned and got ready for bed, I'm far too shattered to even think let alone write what I'm thinking (or not thinking)...

A lot of people say I need to offer myself the same compassion that I offer others. I do listen, but it's very hard to do that because I don't feel that I deserve it like they do - but then again, some of the people I offer that compassion to, don't actually deserve it - maybe that needs a rethink hey...

Likewater: I'm sorry to hear about how your boyfriend reacted to what was actually something that should have been stressing you. I bet it was a very scary experience for you (((((((((Likewater))))))))) Hopefully the police finally listened to you and at least understood a little. I'm sorry about the accident too At least your boyfriend apologised in the end though, that's a good sign that he does really care and maybe he was just so worried for you that it stressed him out. They're rubbish at expressing emotions sometimes!

Lastly, thank you for your list of SI alternatives. I didn't SI specifically, I think I dissociated in the car when I said what I did and again, just erupted and lost control of what I was saying and doing. I don't think our 'friend' (aka Hazel) has even bothered to think about and try to understand the extent to which my depression can break me down sometimes. She seems to think that anyone other than her who is depressed, is attention seeking and weak, but her emotions are much more valid than anyone's. So if someone hurts her, she'll show it and EVERYONE has to know about it and help her, but as soon as she or anyone else hurts someone else, she doesn't care at all and will just say to get over it.

I understand and I appreciate that I can come across as rude when I'm not feeling good, but she should understand that by now and learn NOT to make comments or anything to start arguments and she should learn to either keep quiet or not rub it in my face that her and Dave are having a right giggle and a laugh in the car whilst I'm sitting there feeling sad, like a recluse and like the most un-fun person in the World. She really has no sympathy for others and no respect for me or David at all. I don't want her sympathy, but what I do want is for her to stop LIVING off my (sometimes) misery and unhappiness and others' too, because that is NOT a way to live. It is not healthy for someone to like seeing others unhappy. That is sick and that is just the kind of person that I do not want in my life. I have backed off from her. She is a gossip and she *****es and I do not tolerate people like that in my life because they do not deserve my friendship, my compassion or my love. I don't tell her anything anymore. If she sees me upset, I say I'm just having a bad day, nothing more. And I hope that David doesn't discuss a lot with her because he also knows the same and he has been enraged by her many times.

Jeez if she ever read this, she would be mighty angry! But she needs to know that people won't tolerate her *****iness, her nastiness and her downright rudeness. She told me to stop having a conversation with David in HIS car because she didn't want to hear about it, we were talking about money - fair enough, but still. I came back with (in a very polite manner, no shortness, no raised voice, just a gentle reminder) "It is Dave's car for him to have whatever conversation he likes... So if he's having this conversation, it's up to him." She then told me not to be rude. She is supposed to be 27. I am 20. She is much more like a 16 year old than I am. It infuriates me that she thinks she can decide what we do and don't do and what we do and don't say. THAT is what makes me boil up. She is horribly opinionated and wants to be everyone's friend, but every time at work when I'm sitting eating lunch, people make comments about her, not very flattering or nice comments and I sit and listen and think to myself 'you really aren't liked by these people, yet to try so hard to be.. hat's so sad.'

Anyway, enough from me. I'm feeling better today, wearing a summery dress, having groomed the cats, going out with David for some shopping and lunch I'm trying to cheer myself up...

Thanks everyone,

Obviously it wasn't meant to be, me being happy.

David left me last night. Nothing else to say apart from I'm not worth the air I breathe..

Sorry guys

((((((( ThePainNeverDies! )))))))

Thanks Rohag. It seems to just be one thing after another right now.

I can't sleep, I can't think, I can't eat. And not being able to eat is making ED slip as well - I'm trying but I've managed only seeds, yoghurt and fruit today

I don't want this to hurt me, I want to feel okay, that I can do this. But I feel completely the opposite...

(((((ThePainNeverDies)))))

I'm wishing you to get better very soon!!

Thank you for your replies.

I have spent the last few hours chatting to a friend who is a model. I said to her that I shouldn't pour my heart out and she asked me to just spill my guts. So I talked to her for a few hours and said a lot, listened a lot and generally learned a lot.

I've always known from the day that I met her, that she was lovely and such a Mother Hen. But I never knew some of the things she told me. She's been so helpful and so kind with what she's said. She asked me to promise I will not cut because of David. I know I'll never go back there, especially not because of a man.

OK I'm upset that he's done this the way that he has, but life goes on and I can't let it ruin me or him.. My friend discussed general things with me, things to do with the past, present and future and said I can go and stay there any time I like/need and she'll be there for me. I've never in my life felt so supported by one person. It's a lovely feeling.

I still feel pretty wretched but she's made it easier just to get by tonight.

I'll update you all tomorrow

Oh TPND--I'm so sorry to hear about David but is sounds like you have good support. I hope the hurt will lessen day by day. Wishing you well.

I feel your pain, i am in a similar situation but with more complications, I don't know what to do, I also cannot eat, I am in a relationship with a guy, Jesse, and I am his first girlfriend. I do not want to tell him but my feelings have lessened for him and I am starting to like another guy who (long story short) a girl (having a sex change) and although I don't want anything to happen between us I still like him. I don't want to hurt him but I don't think it's working out between us, he lives away from me, as I live on an island in the South Pacific. I spose I shouldn't bother you with my problems, but I have not been diagnosed with anything but the 15 counselors I have been to say I should go and get 'diagnosed' but I have no money to do so. Hope this makes you feel a bit better!

Love,
Anime Angel xx

Hi everyone,

Thanks again all for your replies... The pain has been much less today. I woke up with a raging migraine - one of the worst I've had in a long time - I was going to stay in bed but it wouldn't allow me to sleep, nor would it allow me to get up without falling over.. A shower lessened the pain and later on I went to get some juice to take pain killers with and milk to heat up to settle my tummy. As I walked to the supermarket, my head span, I felt horribly weak and every time I moved my eyes, everything around me felt like my eyes were dragging it. I got there and back safely and collapsed on the sofa to rest.

I've had a really good day, I've been proactive, I've started writing a new music piece, I've started singing again and I've started socialising again. I feel like I'm becoming me again. I'd rather be on my own than with someone who can't adjust to me being independent and particular in the way I do things - especially not after I moved 300 miles away from my family for him and didn't see my Mother for two Christmases. So I've been feeling happier today. I cried because someone said to me:

"You are a fabulous soul Kirsten, bubbly, attractive, fun to be with, committed, hard working and if I was 20 years younger you would be my girl"

It made me cry because I feel like the most horrible person in the World at the moment because that's how David has made me feel - like it's all my fault and I did everything wrong. But that person making that comment today, really lifted my spirits because it's very rare that people say things like that to me. It was wonderful.

Thing that I keep thinking is; how could I have improved the situation if he didn't tell me those 3 months ago that he fell out of love with me, that something was wrong, that he wasn't happy? How could I have changed anything, worked on it if I hadn't know? Because believe me, if I'd have known, I'd have done everything within my power and more to sort things out, to make him happier... But he never said a word

And now, he's come in at 1.30am and left after fighting me. Left me with burn marks and nail digs on my wrists where he grabbed me because he lost control and screamed in my face to 'get out of the way woman' I admit, I should have gotten out of the way but after being spoken to like that? No way! There was no way in hell I'd take that from him. I wasn't moving until he asked politely, until he calmed down because I didn't want him to leave in an angry state and more than likely crash or something. Because I cared.

So he waltzed in, said 'you're up late' at which I glared at hime and said 'I told you I was waiting up for you. I told you to be here earlier, at a more reasonable hour. I know you've been avoiding me to avoid conflict and whatever, but by coming in at such an unreasonable hour, knowing that I am very sick and unable to deal with so much lack of sleep, you not letting me know last night that you were staying out so causing me to risk my health having a panic attack, have brought it on yourself. By avoiding me, by avoiding conflict, you have brought the conflict on yourself. I wouldn't need to be miffed with you if you just came at a reasonable hour like 4pm'

So then he started saying that if I wasn't being such a ******, he wouldn't have to come at stupid o'clock. I then said that maybe he needs to accept that actually I was perfectly fine today, IO was happy for him to come in and out. I invited him several times to come get some stuff and take it to his Parents' place and he could've come then and saved the aggro. I then said that I wanted to resolve the argument before he left so I stayed where I was stood. He then ordered me to move which I wouldn't take. No-one orders me to do things, no-one comes up in my face, bares their teeth at me, gritted and shouts at me "MOVE OUT OF MY WAY, WOMAN!!!!!" No-one. He then threw the box that he had in his hands, onto the floor and pushed me. He managed to get me through one door way but the second one, despite having eaten very little over the last 5 days, he couldn't push me through. Even when he tried to trip me up, I clung on. Eventually, he pulled away and walked out of the front door with nothing. After having a screaming match because he'd been a coward and brought the aggro on himself.

Ok I know that I should've probably left it. I asked how he would feel if I did that to him. He said he'd have calmly let me go in, get stuff and go out. And I said no, for once put yourself in my shoes. If you were sick, had a migraine, tired, needed sleep and had told me that you'd wait up for me to get my stuff because you didn't want me to wake you up, you'd be pretty p*ssed off if I turned up at nearly 2am demanding you to move out of my way, calling you a psycho ****** and blaming you for everything.'

I wanted this to end amicably. I told him that. I said if he really wanted to stay friends, he wouldn't be treating me like this, he wouldn't be trying to push me, trying to wind me up, trying to hurt me even more. He didn't wind me up, he didn't push me to go mental as soon as he got in. It was him who lost the control and caused me to defend myself by shouting back.

Anyway. I'm shaken, I'm afraid and I feel so completely alone. My right hand appears to have a mind of its own and I knew before that I would more than likely land myself in hospital with lack of food this week, but now I'm certain that this stress, along with the lack of food, is going to bring me down and land me there.

Please someone tell me I'll be okay. Was I wrong? I feel like I was... I feel like I'm to blame.

I don't think you're at all to blame...he was wrong to do that. No man should ever, EVER, lay a hand on a woman...at least as I see it. I don't think you did anything wrong. I think you were mature in wanting to resolve things civilly, and I think he was very wrong for calling you whatever name he did...I don't like the way he treated you during this.

That being said, this isn't your fault. I don't think you should feel that way, and hard as it is, please try not to let this bother you. Based on what you've posted about yourself, you've got too much positive about yourself to let this get you down.

I am very glad that you've found a friend to talk to about this. Know we are all here for you, and we're all in your corner.

Harley,

Thank you so much and I'm really sorry for not having replied before now. I've spent a lot of time away from home because I've been stressed and needed a break, which I have had and I felt very much better when I got home. Until that is, I found out that David's using money matters to make things very difficult for me. I'm struggling to pay rent and bills so I'm horribly worried about that now...

I'm trying not to let this ruin me, because I have had the most wonderful weekend and was made to relax and do absolutely nothing apart from look after my kittens and make tea/coffee every so often, all weekend. It was lovely. Spending the weekend with the right person and doing just what I've needed for a long time has given me some energy back which feels fabulous. David being the way he is, hasn't taken away that energy, it's just nipping away at it... Eurgh.

I'm going to bed now because I have work in the morning and I don't want to stress anymore. I'll be ringing my landlord tomorrow to sort out rent and hand in my notice of departure because I cannot afford to keep up the rent... I hope I'm being proactive. Am I?

I should apologize myself for my own late reply now. No harm done.

I think you're being proactive in this. Making a conscious effort to not let this get you down any more than it naturally will is a huge step in getting past anything, and often the hardest to do. You should be very proud of yourself.

As unrelated as this is, I have to ask...what type of kittens? I love the little things.

Take care, and I hope you continue to do well.

It's OK, I've not been around much at all. David had my phone contract and internet cut off meaning I ALMOST lost work. Luckily I had friends who were willing to help and I had the cash to be able to get a new phone contract set up and I now have internet access...

I'm pleased that you think I'm being proactive in this. I am currently spending the weekend away again, I was very ill yesterday because everything from the week caught up with me and my body couldn't really cope with it. I felt awful and I've had a really tough week. But I'm feeling much, much better today. My migraine has gone down, my throat is less sore and I don't feel sick or weak like I did.

He's still trying to make things very difficult and because of that I am moving home this week to make things easier for myself on the money front and emotionally too. I hate going back to that flat because it has such bad vibes now and I don't really feel safe there anymore. I think I've been proactive because I'm moving home, I've sorted out my phone, I'm still working, still modelling, earning as much money as I can to get me through, I'm starting courses to gain more qualifications for a better job, starting my siging career again and I'm spending much more time relaxing. It's amazing.

I had a bad week last week, I was finding it very difficult and depression started to raise its ugly head. Staff at work noticed and i got pulled up for it but improved the next day and a friend noticed also and called me every day to check up on me which was nice. It's him that I'm staying with now. It's been incredible how many people have pulled together to be there, even though one of them has been the complete opposite and has accused me of being unfair to David because I'm keeping the kittens when they were a Christmas present from me to him - I'm only keeping them because they'd otherwise be unsettled and they'd have to live with his Parents' dog who would terrorise them - I am not happy with that... Does that sound unfair to you? I believe I'm doing the right thing for the kittens.

Flo, the female is a Black and White Domestic Short Haired kitten. Rio, the male is a Black and White Domestic Semi Long Haired kitten, they're both stunners... But then again I would say that...

Thanks again for your replies. I know I'll struggle for the first part of this week, but I'm looking forward to the second part...

No, I think you're doing exactly the right thing. If the environment that he has now isn't good for the kittens, then that's that. You're doing the responsible thing by keeping them in a home where they're guaranteed safety. If the dog wasn't in the picture as a threat to them, I'd advise you talk to him as best you can about who should keep them...but honestly, you seem to be very attached to them, and part of me can't help but scream in the back of my head that YOU bought them in the first place.

They sound adorable!

I'm sorry to hear David essentially cut you off, but I think you took a great step in setting everything up yourself as quickly as you did. I think it was incredibly low and spiteful to cut you off as he did, knowing it would affect your work, but I think you bouncing back as quickly as you did and setting all that up on your own is fantastic.

I hope your week gets better!

Can I ask how he managed to cut off your internet and phone? I would imagine he has no authority to do that. Unless the contract is in his name in which case he is completely right to stop the contract. I very much doubt that you would maintain any contract in your name that he would be getting benefit from.

I am afraid I have to completely agree with your lone friend here. As they were a present to him they are not yours to dictate who will look after them. Are you sure that his parents' dog will terrorise them? I wonder if you are using that as an excuse to keep them.

I am not suggesting that you are doing it intentionally. It is plain to see you feel hurt by him and wonder if want to inflict some measure of hurt on him. I am merely challenging you to think about how you might feel in his situation and consider how he is feeling from your actions.

Now for the positive. I have to commend you for your proactive approach. You seem positive despite the set backs and I say run with it.

Hope everything works out for you hopeless

Hopeless_Heart - yes, it was in his name but we had amicably agreed that he would cancel the contract once I had set up a new one. It was only when he was causing trouble and I asked him to stop, that he cut it off. That's the part that wasn't fair.

As for the cats yes, I get that they were his Christmas present but when I am the one who has training in animal care and who has cared for animals ON MY OWN all my life, yet he hasn't cared for an animal at all in his life, I think it should be I who dictates what happens to the kittens. Yes I am sure that the dog will terrorise them because I have seen him around cats and other animals. I am not using it as an excuse to keep them, had there not been the dog in the equation and if I were sure that David would take as good care of them as I can, I would happily let him keep them himself.

I do not want to hurt David, no matter how much he is trying to mess me around and hurt me. I wouldn't sink so low, I am far better than that. I know exactly how he is feeling because I have been in his situation before, plus I have thought everything through and explained to him why I'm doing what I'm doing. He, however, is doing what he's doing to spite me. For goodness' sake last night's actions proved that..

I'm not having a go at you by any means, I'm just answering your queries honestly...

Harley:

Once again I thank you for your reply.

I like to think that I'm being responsible. Animals are very much like Children - they need to be settled in a place where they feel safe with people they feel safe with.
I have spoken to him as though the dog wasn't in the picture and when things weren't so bad as they are now, he agreed that actually it was unfair to settle them like it would had he gone with them.

Here's how it is:

I went on a car journey today with the cats. They have been on the same car journey twice or more. They went out of the zone they are used to travelling in and straight away started miaowing because obviously they didn't know where they were. I put my hand into their carrier and they settled down. Once we got back to where they knew, they were OK again. They are at the vets tonight being spayed/castrated tomorrow... I miss them so much! They are such characters

Of course the reason David cut me off was because he *thought* it would affect my work. But it only didn't because I was quick about it, on the ball and 11 hours later was back online again, able to contact photographers and such.

He tried stirring up trouble last night and while it got me thinking about how low he's prepared to go, it didn't faze me. Purely because I know that I can keep myself safe and that I have my head screwed on a whole lot better than I used to. He wants me to hit the deck and go back into self harming etc, he wants to see me hurt - I've no idea why - but if that's what he wants, then he damn well won't get it.

I'm feeling a lot better today, I had some excellent feedback at work and I've had a lovely evening, spending time with special people, cooking, talking and chilling out. I'm finding things difficult but I know that the more I keep this up, this positive, proactive attitude, the more I am going to gain from life. It's hard work but that's what I live for.

to all xxx

May I ask what he is doing to stir up trouble?

Would it help to talk about it?

Hopeless

He sent an image of me with another model, from a shoot that he chaperoned me on, to my current partner stating:

"Do you realise your other half is shooting porn?"

Knowing full well that the image was not pornographic, it was a Creative, Fine Art image involving two female models.

He seemed to think that my current partner would blow his top about it, confront me and we'd fall apart. Quite the opposite. He asked me if I'd ever done a shoot with another model, I said yes, on two or three occasions. He explained why and showed me the image. I explained that said image had actually been put into an exhibition and placed highly in the competition. Had it been pornography, that would not have happened. Before I even explained it, he said it was not pornographic, it did not bother him, nor did it make him judge me in any other way - just feel somewhat sorry for David for feeling he had to go to such extremes to try to hurt me. He actually liked the image, said it was one of the better images I have shot.

I am a model. He knows this and accepts it. He is a photographer. I know that and accept it. Simple. David doing what he did was childish and spiteful, it was completely pointless and got him nowhere apart from causing embarrassment to himself.

Funnily enough, the first thing my partner did when I found out about the image and hit a bit of a low because I'd thought that david was better than that, was cuddle me. He sat me down and wrapped his arms around me. That was just what I needed, without even asking him to do it, I got exactly what I needed.

It baffles me why David is doing this. What is he gaining? I'm not reacting in any way, I'm not retaliating by doing the same kind of thing to him and trying to tarnish his name. I'm keeping things low and leaving things to settle down. What's the point in trying to kick up the dust and unsettle everything when we both agreed that we just needed time and space to heal?

OK, I get that I'm now in a new relationship and yes I know people think it's too soon, but believe you me, I had no idea it would happen. In fact, I was totally against getting into anything at all. I said to every male who gave any kind of a sign of interest, that I was NOT looking for a relationship, I did NOT want to get involved with anyone and I just wanted to be on my own, settling into being myself again, enjoying my life for what it is. It just so happened that my new partner and I found it leap on our backs when we least wanted/expected it to. It was happily accepted of course...

I know that David is unhappy that I am moving on, that I am being strong and getting on with the rest of my life when he can't...

I'm tired of the games, I really am. I'm just trying to put everything right in my life. Is that such a bad thing?

If your so depressed why all the icons and colour?
However your post depicts lots of pain, it was written so clearly, and in some things you wrote about we have in common and ya life sucks. Y dont you try therapy if your ready and open to talk it can really help you, though the first person you go to might be the wrong one for you.
Y dont you try and speak open and honestly w your fiance? Though thats a bit...
Gluck w coping i hope u figure it out

I'm proud of you...you handled it better than I would've had I been you, honestly.

You're right...David is acting INCREDIBLY childish, and he should be absolutely ashamed of himself. You're right in saying he's mad that you're doing well, and I would tell you good for you. The best form of revenge truly is living well.

Personally, were it me in your shoes, if he ever pulled any crap like this again, I'd casually toss out the word "harassment." Perhaps that'll cause him to grow up a bit.

Forgive me if that comes off as harsh of me, but I find myself angry on your behalf. :/

It's not at all a bad thing you're trying to move on. I like the fact you were able to explain and address potential criticism for "moving on too soon." To me, I think being cognitive of it and having a valid rationalization shows you're ready.

Keep living well, and leave David firmly were he belongs: in the past.

ThePainNeverDies, David is an abuser which means that EVERYTHING is about him ALL the time. Abusers are deeply damaged and insecure beings. Unable to assign value to themselves, they are enslaved to the judgments of others and are compelled to "beg" validation of their self-worth from others by constantly "proving" their superior worthiness to exist to compensate for their inner feelings of inferiority, impotency, worthlessness, incompetence, etc., that they fear will consume them should they fail to obtain said validation. So, enhancing how others perceive and assign value to them is paramount, and one of their favorite techniques is to elevate themselves by diminishing others - in your particular situation, David is attempting to elevate himself by diminishing you by portraying you to others as "less than" himself - and he especially wants you to see yourself as "less than" him, as well. He has to make you look bad - has to make it look like he was doing you a favor by being with you - has to vilify you in his own mind and in the minds of others so he can play the martyr and justify abusing you. To say that abusers do not take rejection well is an understatement. He sees your breaking it off with him and moving on with your life as an excessively cruel personal attack because by doing so you are withholding the validation of his self-worth that he so desperately needs in order to survive - you're saying that you don't need him and you can make it without him - you're saying that he's not good enough for you - blahblahblah.

Abusers will NOT be ignored!!! David is going to do everything in his power to keep your attention focused on him - to force you to expend time and energy thinking about and dealing with him, and to draw your attention and energy away from your life and current relationship - will initiate confrontations to exert control over your emotions and to justify abusing you - will cause you problems to punish you for failing to acknowledge his superiority by refusing to submit to and serve his twisted will. Best thing to do is not react/respond - don't allow him to control your emotions - don't allow him to manipulate you into engaging with him. Remember, it's all about exerting power and control over you - and the truth is that the only real power and control he has over you is that which you allow him to have, so don't give it to him or he'll suck the life right out of you.

You said, "...he started saying that if I wasn't being such a ******, he wouldn't have to come at stupid o'clock." Abusers always place the blame for their abusive behaviors on their victims; e.g., "If you were a better person, I would be able to behave and treat you better." You cannot reason with him or end things amicably or remain friends with him because he is not your friend, and he has no use for you if you are not going to submit to his will. In order to abuse someone, you first must dehumanize them - redefine their identity as nothing more than "property" and possessing no inherent value other than that assigned to it by its owner. The only value any other human being has to an abuser is determined by the extent to which that person can be used by the abuser to serve the abuser's self-interests. Period.

You have tried to get him to see things from your perspective; the problem is that, due to his damage/dysfunction that turned him into an abuser, he is incapable of empathizing with others - incapable of comprehending that concept - you might as well be an alien from another planet speaking a language he cannot understand. All he knows and all that matters is what he feels - and withholding validation of his self-worth threatens his very existence - he MUST have his "fix" of Power, Authority, Superiority, Dominance, and Control over everyone and everything within his grasp - he MUST forcibly impose his will on you and others in order to justify his existence - he must enslave others to his judgment and force them to beg validation from him just as he is enslaved to and forced to beg from others - and it will always be this way - he cannot change because he is incapable of admitting or even recognizing that he needs to change.

Of course he didn't let you know that "something was wrong" for 3 months - that's the ever-popular "set up" - a way to blind-side you - make you feel guilty - make you feel that you are to blame - make you feel that you have mistreated and victimized poor, defenseless him - blahblah - boohoohoo. Don't fall for it - it's a trick.

He cannot stand that you are becoming yourself again - how dare you define your own identity and determine your own destiny - you're HIS "property" and have no rights. HE wants to control how others perceive you and even how you perceive yourself by forcibly imposing on you a false identity that he has defined to serve his purposes - to justify mistreating you - to USE you as his target, scapegoat, and sacrificial victim just so he can feel like a big, strong, important man. This is what abusers do and they just cannot feel good about themselves unless they're shoving someone's face into the dirt.

Walk away from that living death and create the identity and life you choose for yourself. Hoping all the best for you.

Idiot17:

I use colour to brighten up my posts no matter how dully they may be written, no matter how depressing they may be, it just makes me happy to see a splash of colour around.

He is not my fiance anymore, nor will I be communicating with him. My efforts to appease him and try to help him to understand that it's time that we just moved on with our lives are wasted, I shall not bother wasting my breath.

Living well is everything I have ever lived and hoped for, I will continue to live and hope for that until the day that I die. I refuse to allow one person to put me down, to stop me from living my life the way that I want, and deserve, to live it. Furthermore, I am not one to back down to people who think that threatening me will make me give in to their insecurities and hopes of having their own behaviour justified.

Please do not let him, or my writings, anger you. Like I have said above, he is not worth that justification or reassurance that his actions are normal, or acceptable, behaviour. I understand why you are angry, but anger will only affect you, not the person that you are angry towards, or about. They will see no difference to their life, you will to your own.

I am not going to continue to discuss David, our past relationship, or anything involving him. Not because anyone has told me not to, but because I have one question for myself:

What do I gain from it?

The answer:

Nothing.

Harley, I questioned, and still question, my decision to move on so soon, not because I have doubts about us, but because I have always doubted myself. What made me decide that it was right, was that I should live my life, not hold myself back all the time, so I made the decision to take the chance on something that seemed good, and, funnily enough, it is more than good, it is incredible. I have more support from one person, than I have ever had from several people, I don't have to ask, speak, act a certain way, yet he'll know something is wrong and he will, without me asking him to, just hug me, knowing that is exactly what I need. That's just the start of it

Lynn, you always talk so much sense! I really did enjoy reading your post, it made me smile somewhat, but tugged at my heart strings in other ways, also.

What you have said, I have been thinking all along, I was waiting for someone else to say it, to confirm what I already knew, thank you for doing this.

I read your part about me being his 'property', a friend made a comment not so long ago about that, which got me thinking about the relationship not so long before it ended. It was insightful, especially when we split up.

I like being me, I have noticed such a big difference in myself since I started being on my own again, I came out of my shell, became the person I love being, again. I will not stand for anyone trying to control me, if anyone wants to believe what he has to say about me, they can, that just proves that they really don't know me like they think they do, and that they are not worth my time, effort, energy, or compassion.

I have always come here to say how I have been feeling, to share my experiences, my knowledge, my hopes, aspirations, my failures, my successes... I have always seen PC as a safe place for me to come to say what's on my mind, positive or negative, it's the first place I come to share my words.

I know my reply to you hasn't been the best, Lynn, but I will send a better reply privately if you would like me to, I'm now going to have a relaxing evening, with my partner, enjoying each others' company, caring for my kittens who had their operations yesterday.

Thank you everyone for your insight, wisdom and well wishes. You're all such wonderful people

I'm so happy to hear you're doing well, and please don't think you've ever angered me or offended me in any way with a post. lol I just found myself appalled. lol Like I said, you handled it better than I would've.

I hope you enjoy your evening, I hope your kittens feel better soon, and I hope you continue down this fantastic path you're on.

Please feel free to PM me anytime, TPND. lynn09

My god. Youre strong as anything.
I wanna apologize for my first post. i was sucked in rotten depression, though that's no excuse, and replied just after reading your first post which was really vey stupid of me. Again, i apoligize.
Its amazing to see how strong you are. How you try to work it all out and deal with it. You've come so far, and its all to you. You've suffered tremendously and yet your more stable then not. its amazing what you did. How understanding and open you are to yourself and to your pain. How you choose to deal with your pain rather then harming yourself even more. Its seriously shocking all youve gone through and how your so strong. How this kid looked to you for help. Its all pretty awsome. Keep it up, at least some ppl in this world should change for the better. Its amazing the support you got. Your story is tragic and yet you sound so strong, so in control, so brave, so sound, so amazing!!!!! How do you do it? Your pretty fantastic. Keep it up, and continue in only in the right direction and dont let ppl like david interrupt your growth. You amaze me.
Gluck w all your struggles.