Acceptance - can it be done?

Does one actually reach a point of true acceptance in this struggle? When you stop fighting, trying to be the person you once were and accept that you are now a new, albeit, damaged creature.

For years I would have moments of “the old me” where I thought I could accomplish things, have little fleeting moments of drive. Now, like reverse birth pangs, they are fewer, lighter, and further apart. Now when they do try to lift their nasty little heads, I squash them down – and try to accept the new me.

Yesterday I gifted my favorite business methodology book to a co-worker – it felt good! (I used to manage multiple departments & sit at meetings with co-workers with Masters Degrees, me-with just a high school diploma). I can no longer remember most of its tenants, and with my inability to articulate, no one would listen to my attempts to explain anything anyway. Now that I’ve experienced a breakdown at this job (including leave of absence), I look forward everyday to being released from employment. (they are inevitable you know, once people know you’re a mental). I keep my few personal belongings in one spot – ready to go. As other people move in and take over things that used to be my “job”, I try to control the initial outburst reaction, and feed them the information and knowledge I have. Try to busy myself with the entry level tasks they have given me, and just be thankful for everyday I earn a $. (Being I’m the main breadwinner in the house).

It takes all I have to get up in the morning & drag myself to work. Usually cry my way in. Then pull my act together (it’s a 1 ½ hour drive) and make it thru the day. Then I cry myself home, exhausted, tied up in a ball (the all to familiar chest band, headache, trying to breathe routine). The house is a mess; my husband tries (and thanks heaven he cooks!). I eat and collapse for the evening. Saturday and Sunday are filled with bills, laundry, house straightening (I gave up on the word clean). I don’t really contribute much, and what I do takes all weekend. Then voila! It’s Monday AGAIN.

I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to work. My income this year was just a tad above 50% of what it was 12 years ago. I allowed my husband to refi the house and buy a motor home (used of course), he thinks it is so we can get out more (be good for me ). Actually, it’s so we have somewhere to live when we loose the house. See – I’m planning for the future!

Surprisingly, this ACCEPTANCE brings a sort of peace. It’s not like being in an episode with uncontrolled crying, uncontrolled emotions. It’s quieter.

It’s been over 10 years in the making, this acceptance thing. Is it uphill from here?

After a long, confusing, tiring and often lonely struggle, I feel that I have come to some sort of acceptance in my life. I also think that a lot of my healing began when I accepted that this is who I am and that what's done is done! It wasn't easy for I felt like I was "less of a person" for a time, now I try to get through just one day at a time.

You seem quite burn-out and very stressed and desperately in need of some You-time. Plenty of time to just sleep, read, watch tv, I don't know - anything to just try and re-charge. Easier said than done when the worries don't go away - I know.

It would also seem that you are very unhappy at your job despite your experience and knowledge. Would it be possible to look around for a another? It is a big change to make but sometimes a very valuable one. (I left an 8 year old good paying job last year to come home and heal, now I work for my husband's business from home, earning a fraction of what I did but happy).

I feel as if I am not being supportive here but just wanted you to know that I really do understand. And I understand the feeling of being so overwhelmed by everything that has to get done. And I understand the need to cry and cry for it sometimes seems to be the only escape.

Wishing you strength.

LadyW...

I can relate to you so very well and I could hardly believe my eyes when I read your post because the work situation is exactly where I am now.

I have a Master's degree and have had many excellent jobs. The last two I had I just quit when the depression struck. I am now working with a great company but in an entry level position with no desire to go for promotion because the field is not even one I like or am suited for but I took it because I had to have a job.

I've been there two years now. It is a high-stress, major multi-tasking environment and most of the people that are hired are straight out of college. (I'm *ahem* of a certain age.) I could feel a depression coming on and did the same thing you described - cried on my way to work, struggled through the day, came home and dove into the bed...often not even eating dinner. Most of the weekend I slept and the things I needed to do kept piling up higher and deeper.

I finally had one stress too many this year and broke down. Instead of quitting this time I went out on short-term disability. I've never done that before and didn't know how it worked, so I asked my supervisor how to go about it so my bosses know I'm out with a depressive illness. I didn't know I didn't have to tell them why I was ill; in fact the first paperwork I received from the disability department said NOT to tell them. So, I messed up on that.

I thought I would be out of work maybe 2 weeks or so at the outset, not realizing how ill I really was, but my pdoc kept me out for 5 months!!! For awhile I think I got worse due to all the meds he kept trying for me with some ghastly side effects.

Now I'm back to the "numb" stage and still crying a lot and feeling over-medicated. However, the company max for short-term disability is 6 months. My pdoc cleared me to return to work a week from now with restrictions (only 4 hours for the first two weeks and doing only ONE task) and I'm in a panic!!!!!!

I'm in a no-win bind - I know I'm in absolutely no shape to return to that job and like you said, I'd always be just waiting for the axe to fall. (Except, I'm wondering if a company could get in big trouble for firing an employee due to mental health reasons especially when I have a good record there with nothing else they could use against me.)

I'm single so the only income. My two choices are (1) return to work and know I'll fall apart quickly and have to leave anyway or (2)don't return, submit my resignation and have to job hunt immediately, which I'm not up to either.

What happened to the person I used to be?

Well, I haven't been of much help, but I wanted you to know I'm there with you and pray for us (and everyone else here struggling) that we can somehow make it through.

one day about 8 or 9 years ago i realized that i had "lost my joy". and that is how i defined it. i knew, and had known for ages, that i was manic/depressive and could not get any help from doctors. finally a year ago i found a doctor who diagnosed me and i'm on the right meds. but i'm still hunting my joy. i used to be so light and competent and happy. now i'm thrilled if i have one good day. if i had two in a row....i don't know what i would do.

today is REALLY good because our so-called boss is off and we are such a good team when she is gone. we've gotten more done today than we get done in three days when she is at work. she affects me so much. i'm so glad that i have to go to school starting March 1 and will only work on saturdays...and i won't have to close. then i have to get a medical job and work in it for six months and i will be certified for a host of better jobs. i just have to hold on and try to make it through it.

i believe in myself, sometimes, and those days are really great! then something will happen and i just start the old drain swirl again. i want to photograph more and feel the joy of it. i'm working on posting more pics here because the comments make me feel valuable and like i'm achieving something. i still don't have the website thing going. i start and then i give up.

I WANT MY JOY BACK!!! EVERY DAY...NOT JUST MAYBE THREE OUT OF THE WEEK! XOXOX PAT

Lady W,

I so identify with your post; you certainly have not lost your ability to communicate. My story is very much like yours, except that I am 8 years down the road.

We have to learn to live differently, be much gentler with ourselves, and marshall our energies as well as we can.

I found that once the false dawns stopped happening, and I had a sense of what I could and couldn't achieve, then life improved. The biggest thing for me was losing the fear of failure, and all that 'keeping up' stuff, and accepting myself as I am.

There is life after a breakdown, and it can be OK.

Good thoughts and good luck,

Myzen