[depressed.fml]

Quick backround information as to why I am so depressed:
I have been suffering from depression since I was 11. My parents have been divorced since I was two years old. I literally have no memories of them being together. When I was seven years old, my dad married someone. I hate her. I act like I love her because I'm terrified of her and I feel like I have to. She says **** about my mom in front of me. For example: "____ is so mentally unstable, no wonder why you're so messed up" "_____ is a horrible mom, she deserves to be locked up" "I think we should just bomb her house and get her pitiful life over with"

I try to stand up for my mom, but then my step mom turns it against me calling me useless, everything's my fault, lazy, I'll never get married. She tells me I'm going to wind up alone just like my mom. She is never satisfied with anything I do. She'll watch me in the kitchen when I'm cleaning up after dinner and waits for every little mistake I make, and calls me useless, clueless, i have no common sense... etc. She makes fun of my brother too because of his ADD and how he struggles with school, calling him stupid, an idiot, etc.

My dad just sits there like a coward and doesn't say anything. He just lets her talk to us like that! My step mom sends an abusive email to my mom at least every two weeks. She's told my dad right when I'm in the room how she wants to kill my mom. She can't go one day without saying something about her. and it hurts me so much. I've left the room crying and she still shows ZERO sympathy for my feelings.

My mom knows how much I've been hurting, so she's taken me to a therapist. My dad doesn't know about it. I'm afraid he's going to find out. I don't know what'll happen when he does but I'm absolutely terrified. My mom is telling all these proffesionals about me and how I've been cutting. And I just wish that day when my mom touched my arm I was wearing a long sleeve. I feel like I have no privacy. I just want to be alone and I want to kill myself. I'm so sick of all this ********! Nobody is going to miss me when I'm gone. I promised my mom I would stop cutting, but there's a lot of bad stuff that's happening to me right now and I just want to so bad

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Depressed.fml!

Originally Posted by depressed.fml

Quick background information as to why I am so depressed: ...

Wow. You are describing a toxic, abusive emotional environment. Have you told these things to your therapist? Would you feel comfortable printing a copy of this post and giving it to your therapist to read?

Your safety and well-being, and that of your brother, is of chief importance.

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((depressed.fml))))

Hi and welcome to Psychcentral. When I read your post tears filled my eyes and fell across my face. I could relate to your post in a way I wish I never had to remember. I lived what you are describing for years and I know how hard it is. I validate how you are feeling and I am glad that you reached out here and talked about it. Before my dad got custody when I was 12 years old and we had to live there, he had visitation rights and even then I know what you are going through.

For years I went through much of the similar things you are talking about. I watched my brother go through horrible abuse and called stupid, ugly, an idiot, and many other names. He had knocked knee and had to wear braces that my step-mom would tighten the straps so tight it would leve marks and bruises. She would laugh and do things that made it even worse because he cried. There was nothing I could do but watch.

She would put our mom and that side of the family down, and if we would go see her (after my dad got custody after my mom gave us up so we would have to go see our mom on visitations) we paid dearly when we came back. We would be interigated nightly about why we wanted to see her, our clothes were not allowed back into the house until they were checked, etc. I was scared to death for years.

She would yell at us and especially my brother and sister who would cry when they were brought back because they did not want to go back. My little brother was pulled off the bunk bed and told no b*****d would sleep in her beds, and many other things that I cannot bring myself to talk about.

She would lock us out of the house for hours when our dad would be at the school or at football practice as he was the coach (I honestly do not know where we went to the bathroom as I do not have memory of being allowed in the house or eating).

She talked about our mom and that side of the family much how you described and you could not answer it was not allowed. We were often called lazy, useless, and many other things. We seemed to be able to do nothing right, and the constant put downs and fighting was hard to live with and in.

My dad also just sat there and did nothing, until he would finally come in and tell her to knock it off. Often though he would also take part and it just kept getting worse. We never knew what a hug or love was ever. We were there just because my dad proved that he could get us as he was told he never could, not because we were ever wanted. I was so afraid that even telling my sibling I loved them never happened. Not even a hug ever.

I also wanted to end and it was not until my sophomore year that I talked to someone (a lady friend at Church) and told them I wanted to end and they told my school counselor and my dad was called in and he denighed everything. I started seeing a Social Worker until I graduated and got away.

The Social Worker and I had to meet in the boiler room so that my dad and step-mother could not find out I was seeing them. When I graduated I left and still would go back for my siblings but had no other feelings at all. Privacy----had none and even my diary that I hid under my mattress was broken into and I was beaten for that.

I would burn myself at basketball practice on the old iron heaters because the pain that it caused and the marks it left gave me something to concentrate on when I went home instead of the fighting and abuse that took place. I also cut too and wanted to end my life.

I do hear you and want you to know that I understand and get it. You are not alone. I am sure there are other members here that will be able to relate to what you are going through too. Even though it is different there is a similarity and I can feel what you are saying and I do understand more than you know.

It breaks my heart and I really do feel for you. Just know that it is not your fault just as it was not my fault. They are the adults and they are the ones responsible for what they are doing. What you are feeling makes sense and it is no wonder why you feel this way.

I am glad you have a mom that is getting you the help you deserve and need. I hope that you are telling them what you said here. Maybe even copy your post and show them what you wrote. I hear your fear about your dad finding out and I remember that fear but keep talking and allowing your mom to help you.

You are important and you have the right to be safe and able to talk about this. But I validate that fear for I know and understand how that fear is real. I hear you that you cut and I want you to know that I understand that too. But you do not have to do that. I get how that comes about and why (or at least why I did), but you do not deserve to hurt as you are already hurting enough.

No one ever told me that when I was growing up. I did not know any one cared or understood, not even the Social Worker because no one could reach me by that time. For me it was a way to keep going as I was too afraid to tell anything for fear of what would happen or what my siblings would face after I graduated.

I did not have a mom that cared, and there was no one else because they made it impossible and it never stopped. I am just now begining to really tell and to really understand that I was not the only one that had to go through this stuff. I did not have an internet or computer or any way to reach out for help to others to know I was not alone.

I am so glad that you are reaching out and talking about it. You are not alone and I do get it. I do hope that you will keep talking and keep posting. I hope that I did not say too much but I wanted you to know that I hear you and I get it. I hope that sharing some of my own life will let you know that you are not alone and that someone does get it. I went through a lot of the same/similar things. But it is NOT your fault, NEVER was or will it be, just as I am finally realizing it was not mine.

Your life is important and you are important. It will not last forever and someday you will not have to go through it anymore. You will be able to step out and make your life what you want to make it. I know how death seems the way out but truly it is not. Death is a permentant thing to something that will not last forever.

Just know that your life is worth much more than ending it. Know that you are not alone and that now someone knows and does understand. I do hear you and I do care. Please keep reaching out, talking to your mom who sounds like she does care, to your therapists and talking about things. Talk about the bad stuff as you can and believe in yourself.

My heart goes out to you and I cry tears not only for my own memories that have hit me but for you and what you are going through. Please take care of yourself and know that you are worth getting the help you deserve and need. Know that it will not be forever. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts, if okay. Thank you for posting and reaching out. We are here for you and you are understood and cared about.

dps

[depressed.fml]

((((darkpurplesecrets))))

I really want to thank you. You are one of the few people that has ever given me this kind of support, but you are now part of the reason I am getting through this. It gives me so much relief to know that even when I feel like I have nothing left and nobody to help, there is someone like you to come around and show me that someone cares. It really does mean a lot to me. Because of your post, I feel less alone and more loved. This gives me the hope I need to move on a little bit farther. Thank you.

[depressed.fml]

(((darkpurplesecrets)))

Wow, you're reply made me feel a bit happier inside. It means a lot to me that you would take that time to write such a detailed and loving reply, so thank you. It made me feel less alone and more loved. Everytime I feel like giving up, it seems like someone as caring and genuine as you comes around and saves me. I feel like I can move a little bit further, knowing that I am cared about. I also send you a hug, because I know how hard it is dealing with conflict within your own home. When you feel like you don't want to go back to your own house because all that awaits is more pain and suffering. THANK YOU

[darkpurplesecrets]

(((depressed.fml))))

Thank you and you are welcome. I hope that you are doing okay today. My thoughts are with you. Just know that you are not alone and we are here for you. Post as you can and keep reaching out. I know it is hard but one day you will not have to go through that any more and neither will your brother. I am glad you are here. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

[Mylifeisdepressing]

Hi, and welcome to PC! I am so, so sorry to hear this. I'm glad your mom is taking you to a therapist. I cut too (but I am in the process of quitting) and I know what it feels like to want to really bad.... Remember your promise to your mom, and please try with everything you have to stop cutting. Please. And whatever you do, don't commit suicide. It only makes things worse. I could go on forever about why you shouldn't, but I won't... I feel suicidal a lot too. And I know how painful that is, how it seems so much easier to just end it. Please, please dont. Things will get better! Do you have a friend you could talk to about these things, someone you could go to when you really need support? It's ok if you don't, I don't either. That's why I love PC . You can PM me if you want to talk. <3
(((depressed.fml)))

[Mylifeisdepressing]

I just want to let you know that I really do care and I really hope you feel better... Your post made me cry, and I want you to know how much we care and that you will get through this. <3

[depressed.fml]

Thank you very much everyone, I am surprised how fast everyone got back to me. I will definitely use this website to help me get through the issues I have been having. Oh and darkpurplesecrets, so sorry for answering your message twice. I didn't see my reply at first so I made another one. ...I'm new to this

[Bmee2]

i do not know what to say....understand too too too well. Happy darkpurplesecrets has managed to grow strong and survive...relatively okay. Sure there are still problems but ...i hope problems that are more manageable. i coped in a different way...not such a good way...and there was cutting...still have scars on the arms...but knowing that there is one person or a group of people that you can (excuse this expression: Vomit ) all of the toxic pain and frustration onto and receive understanding and a calming salve to help you continue...meaning the website.
Welcome to Psych Central. i hope you will find the help you need to rise above all of that mess and rescue your brother too. Besides...do not leave your brother all alone to cope. Even if he has never said so he too is holding on by threads and you are one of the threads. Without you....well let's not think of that. Instead try to learn some coping skills from those of us who really can relate.

[BuggsBunny]

"She is never satisfied with anything I do. She'll watch me in the kitchen when I'm cleaning up after dinner and waits for every little mistake I make, and calls me useless, clueless, i have no common sense... etc. She makes fun of my brother too because of his ADD and how he struggles with school, calling him stupid, an idiot, etc."

Boy, can I relate to some of what you said! I grew up with a step-father who did the same thing. Luckily, he didn't do it so much to my siblings, but chose me as his target. (This made it easier for me to escape later on.) I heard myself called such bad names so often that I couldn't get them out of my head, even as an adult. Stupid was one of them. I finally went and got an IQ test to prove to myself, once and for all, that I was NOT stupid. And I'm not.

Try not to let the names she calls you become your identity. Remind yourself as often as you need to that you are not stupid, lazy, clueless, useless, or worthless. You are a smart and valuable person. Remind your brother. Take an index card and put it where she won't see it, but you will, and write on it that you are not stupid, etc. Look at it every day.

As for cutting, it's not easy to stop, I know. I did it too. But it is worth it. The scars you make now, will remind you forever of just how bad it was. You will want to overcome your bad feelings, and that will be hard if you have a mess of scars. Your promise to your mom was a good one. Hang on to it! Remind yourself she loves you, and wants what is good for you, otherwise, she wouldn't be taking you to a therapist.

Meanwhile, keep posting. We'll keep helping.

[darkpurplesecrets]

Just wanted to say that it is still a struggle daily at times working through the pain and abuse that happened. I and those within still have nightmares and still feel the need to and do SI and hurt. Now that I am an adult and out of that place I have completely cut off ties with family. I am still running from them and trying to find me for I was lost in it all.

I still saw things in my siblings that were and are from the abuse even though they are in denial and will not talk about it or seek help. For myself and those within it is hard to work through it all. My abuse started long before I was made to go to my dad and step-mother, by then I was used to the abuse and knew that I was not worth anything at all. Still today I am terrified of family and still live in fear and abuse from them.

Even moving far away has not stopped them or their finding me. Yes, I have gotten away and am working to grow stronger with each day that passes. It is not easy and somedays it is almost impossible. But taking it one step, one minute, often one second at a time is all we can do. I still remember like it was yesterday and at times it feels like we are still right there unable to get away, but we are working hard in therapy to find ourselves and to heal.

I can only tell you that I know what it is like to be in that situation. The times we hurt just to make it through the night to another day because the pain caused from hurting helped us to have something else to focus on when the name calling, hitting, yelling, and constant interigations of why we wanted to see that side of the family when they did not love us or care kept us awake all night terrified and feeling so worthless and unwanted.

I believe that healing is possible and that it is something I am working to get to but there is still a long ways to go. And I believe that it is possible for others to heal and move forward too. Just know that you are not alone and that you are cared about. We do hear you and we are here for you. I hope that you will keep posting and reaching out, hold on to your mother and her caring and getting you help, and talk as openly as you can to your therapist about how you feel, what is going on, and what it is doing to you.

Stand by your brother and help him to now that he can reach out for help too. My heart goes out to you and your brother and I pray for you to continue to find the help you need and deserve. Just know that we are listening and here for you. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps