[Malyce]

It's 5:10 am and I'm still up. Staring at this screen and wondering how I'm going to start writing. I have so much to say, and yet I don't know how to say it. I think I'm writing this for my own therapy, anyway. A venting process, if you will. So what does it really matter?

I have a feeling this is going to be a long post, so if you're not in to reading those, I suggest you move on now. And if you're going to post to this without reading it, let me express to you my one pet peeve about this forum: generic posts. I have read from people who have poured out their hearts, bared their soul on this forum, and the replies given were not always genuine. Like in the introduction segment, for instance. I have read posts that people have posted about being depressed, ashamed and lost. People will go in there and post, "Welcome," to a heart broken teenager who is obviously here for much more than generic slap on the back. But I think the worst I've seen is several people (and that means multiple) are the people who have confessed a dark secret about wanting to kill themselves, and then below is a bright and cheery, "Hey! Glad you're here! Have fun on the forum!" type of reply. And they copy and paste that same reply to multiple threads. If you're not going to read the posts then don't reply. I find that simple enough. We're on a forum where people are reaching out for help, and for some, this is their last life line. This is their cries and pleas for assistance and people don't even bother to read their posts before answering them. Are your numbers to how many posts you have that important?

And it's true that not everyone here is like that. It's true! I've seen amazing replies to posts from several people. I try to write them to say thanks, that it's amazing even their insight to one person can relate to another like me... but apparently I'm not to that "level" yet for private messaging. So thanks to all of you out there who actually read a person's thoughts and emotions before posting anything. You're appreciated, and I'm grateful for those of us who need to be heard and helped.

I told you this would be a rant, but this board isn't the main rant. So, apparently, this is a long one. Strap yourselves in, this is going to be a long ride.

It starts a year back. December 1, 2010.

I own and operate a popular non-profit business. I was on TV for that business and an even that we were hosting. Turns out an old friend had seen me that night and told an even older friend where I was going to be. That even older friend was my high school sweetheart. No, this isn't 2010. It was 2008. 2010 will make it's appearance in a moment. And, just so you know, I graduated 1997.

My high school sweetheart has always been an amazing person. I was his first girlfriend and even his first kiss. We may not have shared all of our firsts together, but that didn't make us any less important to one another.

We started dating once more as adults. Fell in love again and he asked me to move in with him. December 1, 2010 - I did just that. He has a beautiful home which he does and should take pride in. He promised me a room to do my art and music in, a place for my non-profit to meet weekly and even help him redecorate his, no... OUR new home together. Almost fairytale like, isn't it?

It's now December 21, 2011 at 5:37 am. My stuff has yet to be unpacked. All of it lies in either his garage (no, not our garage, his garage) or in a storage unit. The dreams of redecorating are gone. My art and music room was in the basement, and I'm not even allowed in the basement without him (that came into effect about a month after I moved in). And my non-profit group doesn't meet here. I don't even have a closet to hang my clothes. They're mostly piled on top of a dog cage.

Ah, the pets. Another subject. Let me clarify, however: I have a dog and a cat - he hates them both. A new revelation after we moved in together, even though he stayed at my house for a year before he even asked me to move in. He has a dog. He worships her. I swear he loves her more than me. Again, another story.

More on this subject later.

My business is hard to manage. With many people the drama is never ending. It's the way of the world and anyone who owns their own business. I'm constantly dealing with people who butt heads against another, the pettiness of individuals and so on and so forth. But I have, this year, actually had employes try to take my business from me. I have built this company from the ground up. I have seen power hungry people come into this team and see my kindness as weakness.

Perhaps this is where I should tell you a bit about myself. I'm very trusting. I'm very giving. And, Lord, I am probably one of the most positive people you will ever meet. Without my optimism, I wouldn't be me. I absolutely love humanity. My boyfriend is disgusted when I step away from a nice, wonderful conversation with a stranger and I tell him that I love that person. "You just met her," he'll tell me. "All the same, I still love her."

And I mean it.

To all of you cynical individuals out there, I'm a great target. But more on my love for people to come.

So my business has seen some really trying times to this day, especially this year. My co-partner in this business would believe them without even speaking to me, and when she finally would and hear the truth, she would apologize. It's not the first it's happened, but she's my best friend and I love her dearly.

I work so much my work is like my family. My best friends are in this business, but this isn't the only job I work, I work two others.

In July of this year, a man whom I looked up to very much in my team left us and took with him several individuals from this company. Honestly, about a quarter of our people. When he left he not only started his own competing business but stole things from this company, artifacts which are the backbone which we stand upon, and my trust. I looked up to this man deeply, like a father, even though I was his boss. When I confronted him on his actions his reply was, "Well, I guess you should have made us all sign legal contracts."

Guess what I do now? I knew I should have then, but I trusted them. I loved them. Again, they were family.

Let's back up a quick minute. In June we were doing our non-profit things and raising money for other non-profit groups by giving tours and educational classes in an area.

We had another business of the same nature come to "stake" us out at one of these events. They came equipped with cameras and several people from their own team.

I knew of these people. I read, I'm adept to the environment in which I work and I know of others that are out there that could be possible "competition." Though, I never look at any of these companies that way. I believe that we can all work together and help each other out.

Am I delusional? Most of you will probably say I am.

These people questioned, drilled us and took us for a ride. I had warned my people that they were here to do us harm. And, indeed they were.

In August we were "banned" form this location which we were raising money for due to this other team. Which, in just four days, we had managed to raise two non-profit groups nearly $1,000.00, but were now no longer invited due to this other opposing team. We were never even allowed to explain ourselves and prove our innocence before being banned from the property by that property manager.

These lies were not just spread amongst our community, but very publicly. Local news got involved, accusing us of these false accusations. Interviewing me and trying to take me down.

I shut down, very quickly. It became so much I didn't know what to do. My work is my life. I have built my last five years around this company.

So here I am, being publicly accused of things that didn't occur. And things were falling apart. And I crawled into bed one night, two days after this all started, with my boyfriend, in tears, and reached out to him. I told him, "I know how I'm going to handle this now." He asked me in a tired voice, "How?" I took a deep breath and immediately started to cry. The sobbing cry where you take deep breaths between your words, and I said, "I choose to love them." He said, "What??" "I choose to love them, because if I hate them, I'll be no different than them. I choose to love."

My relationship hadn't changed much with my boyfriend, but by this point he and I were coming to a close and we decided it best if I move out. I started looking for a place.

I may work several jobs, but that doesn't mean the money is pouring in. I work hard for the very little that I make. I quit one of my jobs and began a new one in early August. Remember that man that I told you about that I looked up to like a father that went and started a competing business? I worked with his daughter, and I was the one who got her the job in the first place. She was much younger, and I do blame her being a young, foolish girl, she stooped to levels that I didn't believe were acceptable and I left my position after finding another one.

Ah, the new position. So many stories! But we'll keep to the basics.

For those of you who are still reading, one: thank you. Two: Remember, this is a year of my life in one post and I am doing the best that I can. And, three: I'm writing this for more of my therapy than anything else. I need to vent.

So the new position comes into play. It's a company I've worked for before and they were happy to have me back, even the general manager who ran the second store in the community I live in. She was happy to have me as her employee this time around rather than at the other store.

Does that make sense? I worked at one location. Quit. This new position was at the OTHER location. I am still confusing myself. Let me break this into caveman terms:

Me work at old job, at old location. Quit that job.

Start work at new job. Quit because of foolish daughter.

Start work at old company of old location, but different location now. Same company of old store. But now new store.

I still think I'm confusing myself, but then again, it is 6:12 am here now. Look at that, I have been typing for an hour....

Good Lord, to all of you out there, I'm so sorry.

Oh, that's right, my new job scenario. Everything was fine and dandy there until the other location I used to work at, well, it shut down. Leaving the location I was at now under tremendous, financial stress. All of the older employees there have suffered incredibly. One of those is my current general manager, who has flat out told me she thinks I was apart of the problem at the other store and I'm to blame for it. It doesn't make sense, but she has been taking out her frustration on that store closing on me ever since. To the point where it's not only ridiculous, it's comical.

I like to laugh. I'd prefer to make a comedy out of this scenario than a tragedy. It's now become a daily game when I'm working, we all wait to see what's going to happen against me when the general manager is working (which is 6 days a week now since this whole financial burden thing). We even take bets about it.

And here I am turning it into a laugh as I often will. There's my optimism. Can't change it, laugh about it and make the best of it.

But I've always done that. And I'm not about to even go that far back.

Well, the good thing with my own business that was attacked, is that I have fought back for it. I don't like to lay down, roll over and accept it. I'm not that kind of girl. We are now no longer banned from that location. Even though the news reels still ran, we were given public apologies on their behalf and, as of two weeks ago, we were even pardoned by the city government for any false accusations. Yes, it went to the city over the scenario.

But I haven't told you that during this time that not only has my mother and father gone through divorce, but that my mother has cancer for her fifth time. I'm one of ten kids and every sibling has turned their back on my mother because of the way the marriage ended. All but .. you guessed it ... optimistic, believing in humankind me. Let me say this: I do not agree with the way that my mother handled the end of her marriage. But that doesn't mean that I can't still love her and be there for her, especially with how sick she is.

My siblings have left her hate email, Facebook hate mail, hateful voice mails and even hand written messages left on her doorstep. She and I have discussed upfront but very adult like that I didn't like what she has done, but I will always love her.

My father is now punishing me for doing just that. In fact, on December 28 of this year, the day after my birthday, the entire family is being flown out and swept away to Hawaii. All except my mother and myself. All because I've still chosen to love rather than hate.

Bringing me back to my relationship with my boyfriend. Well, he's technically no longer even that. I call him my "ish", because I don't know what we are. In fact, we were both at a counselor's office just yesterday and she asked us what we were. Neither of us could reply with a proper answer. My ish answer is the best I have to offer.

I was supposed to move out, like we had agreed on. I had found a place that I could afford. And, two weeks before I move, she (my future landlord) texts me while I'm teaching a class and tells me that it's no longer going happen, she's decided to give the space to her aunt.

I was devastated. Truth be told, I still am. Because now I'm stuck in this miserable place. I can't unpack. I can't move around freely. I'm not allowed in certain areas of the house. I'm told nearly daily what a burden I am, and daily, I feel more and more worthless.

During the time I have stated above, I have been back stabbed, lied about and even lost my best friend: the girl who used to run the company with me. Due to all of the stress, due to everything that's occurred, I have thought of my ish as a rock. And let it be known that I miss this girl dearly, my best friend. I feel like I've lost my left arm without her.

My ish treats me .. well, kind of well. He helps pay bills, I still have my car due to him. He bought me a winter coat (I'm from the South, and never owned one) but not only that, it's my favorite football team on the jacket. He's purchased winter boots and so much more, I can't even begin to type how well he monetarily takes care of me.

But emotionally, it's like 2 or 3 days out of the week, he's there to deal with my rather fragile state. And the other 5 or 4 days, he's either checked out or becomes rather vicious. Like tonight where he tells me how wonderful he is and how much more I could be doing. Compares the two of us like we're just another quarter lined up next to one another.

Well, I'm a coin that's been used and exchanged. He's a bright, pretty shiny one in a state of your choice. ... I'm nothing special but I guess, I could always be better.

The moral of the story: I have never felt so alone in all of my life. My heart is heavy. I drink, sometimes to excess. I went through a diet that I lost nearly 60 pounds, and recently, I gained 15 of that back. I'm gaining weight like our economy is gaining debt. I'm always sad, I'm nothing but a "show" of happiness.

I used to be a very logical person. Now I'm just a puddle of emotional goo. I always cry, I'm always sad and I can't get over it. I left the counselor's office yesterday feeling worse coming out then I did going in. But, another story. I have even thought about killing myself, and come close to the action.. VERY close. But, again, another story. I'm full of those apparently.

I can't pick myself up. All I am is a masquerade and I can't hold up this appearance any longer. I have lost SO MUCH HAIR it's unbelievable! stress, distress, and everything else has taken it's toll.

I don't know what to do. I'm so f'n lost right now. I'm so ... at my wit's end. And like I said in my original post in the newbie board, "This year has been very trying, and to the point where something has to break - even if it's me." Guess what?? I'm breaking!

So, I'm reaching out for help. I'm nearly to the point where I'm begging. I feel worthless. I feel abandoned. I feel fat ... wait! I am fat! I feel like I'm not good enough every day. I feel that the work that I have established is ruined by lies. I feel like this life that I'm living isn't worth it some days, but here is where my optimism comes into play: I believe that it is, but I can't do that without hope, and I'm losing that quickly.

So, I'm tired of my raccoon painted face because I've cried my mascara of my lashes. I'm tired of this girl that I am and I miss the person that I once was.

I don't want to be empty anymore.

P.S. It's currently 6:59 am.

[roads]

I'm so overwhelmed by all you've been through & are going through that I can hardly grasp details. What does strike me again & again as I read is how well you write & what a brilliant sense of humor you have. I'm not surprised you've survived what might have destroyed others--you have a survivor's soul.

Why did you stay with "that guy" (actually "worthless jerk" was my first choice) beyond the first month?

As one who built & passionately embraced my own small businesses, here is where I ache the most for you. The pain you've suffered here is extraordinary. I'm so sorry no one in your circle now has any sensitivity for what you've been through.

I hope you find some of the support you've been denied at home. We're pretty good at being here for each other. Keep coming back.

[Towanda]

Hi Malyce. Wow, I am in awe after reading your story. What a lot you have been through and yet the constant thread throughout most of it is love and optimism and forgiveness. You sound like a really special person with a very beautiful soul. But one who has been hurt time and time again.

Lets start with your feelings of feeling worthless. I guess after all that has happened to you, you definitely have a right to feel that way. But nobody is worthless. Everybody is a person of worth simply by the fact that they are alive. I know that sounds incredibly simple and trite but think about it for a moment. It's true - we all contribute something simply by being here. I woke up feeling depressed this morning and by trying to help you, I am feeling a little better. So see, unknowingly you have helped another human being.

I admire your perseverance with your business troubles. And the fact that you were ultimately victorious in clearing your name. Keep that fact in mind the next time you are feeling helpless. The fact that people betrayed you and let you down? Don't let it make you bitter. I know it is very, very difficult but try to look at it as a life lesson in being a little wiser about trusting people in the future. It sounds like you have an open and loving heart. You remind me so much of my 30 yo son. He is a small business owner, and like you, wants to love and trust people. But he's been burned several times, and as a result, has had to become a little more cautious about trusting people and opening his heart to strangers until he gets to know them a little better.

As for the situation with your boyfriend, I think you're wise to try to move out and get your own place. Who wants to stay in a relationship that hurts your heart, your emotions and your self confidence? Better to be by yourself, nurture yourself, practice your special talents, get back to your art (I bet it's awesome!!!!) then to be in a relationship that is harmful to your soul?

Malyce, do whatever you need to do to be good to yourself, no matter how hard it is. Don't isolate. Get up and get out. Be around people even if it is only at a bookstore or a coffee shop. Buy a good bar of chocolate if that is your weakness and enjoy a couple of squares every day. Come join us in the chat rooms - the people there are incredibly kind and helpful. And whatever you do, if you feel desperate, don't suffer in silence. Call someone, even if its only a helpline. There is a number listed on the top of the chat room lobby page if you feel suicidal.
Hope this helped. I enjoyed reading your post, and yes, I read every word. I check these posts daily so feel free to write back if you want. Lots of luck and many hugs to you

[gma45]

WOW! Sounds like your plate is full! I know you have heard this before but drinking will not help matters! Talk about a bunch of back stabbing friends or so called partners. So none of this was in writing? Business plan etc? And this ish you call him sounds like a real piece of work, I thought he was a long lost true love sounds I see loser written all over him,NO support at all. They say never loan or go in to business with friends BAH BAH BAH! You seem strong Deep Breath.......and we will hit em again with both guns loaded this time! I know you probably don't want to hurt your mom, but take that trip if you can sounds like you need it. We are here for you the best way we can be, Sending good strong strength and hugs your way pm me anytime.

[dusty9838]

You are definately a strong person to go through the things you have been through recently. As Roadrunner said you have a survivors soul and because of that I know you'll be fine in the long run.

But right now you're hurting and feeling so depressed and it feels like the walls are closing in... I can relate to that and I want you to know that things will get better for you. I hate that you had a boyfriend that you trusted and felt like you could have a life with and he did what he did to you. If he really loved and cared for you he wouldn't kick you out and hurt you the way he has.

You really should focus on yourself and your own happiness. I'm probably not the best person to take advice from because I"m still searching for my own happiness. I have nobody to lean on and my coping resources are pretty low, but I'm taking it day by day and pushing forward hoping and knowing that the future will be better.

You are a very trusting and compassionate person... I recently had my trust severed after a deccade relationship with someone whom I never thought would sever my trust! I want to be able to trust another human being again one day but right now I feel that's impossible. You really do need to be a bit more cautious in trusting... humans are not perfect and that's a hard lesson that I had to learn myself.

I really hope that you find peace soon and when you feel like the worlds coming to an end and you can't take things anymore just know you are not alone. There are many people on this forum that are here for more than the number of posts that they have and truly do care. Take care of yourself, you deserve happiness.

[depressedalaskan]

(((((Malyce))))) With my illness, at times I don't know how to respond to a post. But I want the poster to know that I am here, Psych Centeral is here, that I care, that others care, I understand, we understand, we welcome you here and glad that you are reaching out for help. To me any kind of responce is welcome. This tells me that I am not alone and that others understand me. You don't get understanding feelings in the real world. Unless you can find a depression group near you or on the net.

Like you it takes me a long time to write a post. You see I am not good at writing, spelling or getting my thoughts on paper. I just do my best.

I to have a long history of depression - 20 years or so. I don't think there is a day that goes by that I don't think of ending it all. I can say I do understand how you are feeling. Your so called rant is a good thing if this is what you needed.

New posters are just that new. We don't know them yet. Some of the younger people don't know why they are feeling the way they feel. We can not go to them we can only let them know we are here.

I haven't been back here for awhile as I could not help those who came here for help. In my mind understanding was no longer any good. I could understand but not get out there to help them, in person. That just added to my depression and I ended up in the hospital. I myself think that we who kind of understand depression should help those who don't understand it. The first time posters are all the same looking for understanding and bigger yet, how to make others around them understand. ( a problem that I have ) If only our perants, friends, and family could learn to understand.

For all who read my posts thank you. Please let me know that you read it, give me a hug, thanks or responce. I will feel more like writing if you do and I will do the same for you. Also don't forget to thank those who have replied to your posts as it will make people likely to respond again and more often to a post.

[Lyzzyy]

I am so sorry that you are going through all of that... I am very depressed myself and can only imagine how you feel. First of all, know that suicide is not the answer; every time I am sad and the thought of ending it all crosses my mind, I think of a quote I once read that says "May today there be peace within you. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be." I am not sure if you are a religious person, but everything happens for a reason and God doesn't give us more than what we can handle. You sound like a very strong and giving person, and whoever doesn't see that is not worth your time. I am not sure of what advice to give you so you do not feel sad or empty any more, as I feel the same way myself. I also lost my best friend and feel as lonely as I can feel. These forums have helped me realize that I am not the only one going through bad stuff, and that everything will pass. Feel proud of yourself for everything you have accomplished, for being independent, for having your own business, and for loving your mother despite her bad decisions. Don't feel bad because your family didn't include you on the trip, you are a better person because you chose to forgive. I am sure you will find a great place to live, you just have to keep looking; maybe the place that you were trying to rent was just not meant to be for you, and something better will come... so will better friends and a partner that knows how to value you and accepts you for who you are. In regards to your weight, try to eliminate the junk food, and if you feel like you can't stop eating, just have a little bit of it instead of the whole thing. Eliminating junk food makes a big difference. Also, exercising at least 15 minutes a day will make a difference, and it will also make some of your stress go away. You'll get tired so you will feel a bit more relaxed... zumba is a lot of fun, you should try it. Try not to cry any more, sometimes it feels good to let it out but it is not good when you cry all the time. Try to read self-help books or inspirational books to get your mind off of things. I also suggest to try meditation or yoga. Whenever I feel like I want to cry, I try to think about something else, about things that make me happy like my dogs or my baby niece... I just try to think about something else and shake the bad thoughts and feelings off. Remember that you have no control about others or about your surroundings, you only have control over yourself and nothing else. I am sorry I was unable to give you better advice, but these are just some things that I have been doing myself to try to get out of my depression... hopefully they will help you at least a bit. Things will get better and know that you are not alone.

[AnotherDayDown]

zumba is alot of fun. attempting to find happiness, i spent $300 on an xbox, kinect, and zumba game. been playing it 3 days so far. i started to get a little discouraged, but the character in the game motivates you to keep going. It makes me feel better and I've slept better. I know that won't solve all your problems, but I do know how awesome it is to finally find exercise that you actually enjoy doing.

[wontgiveup]

Hi Roadrunnerbeepbeep.... I did read your entire post..what a post!.... There are so many areas that you covered, I'm not sure where to start. Sorry about the situations with your jobs, "ish" and having to move. The advice I'm about to give you can either be well received or hated. I hope you receive it. I heard you mention a couple times in your post the word "Lord"....what i have learned (by experience) is that when everything seem to be falling down around you (us) it's Gods way of trying to get our attention, you mentioned a few times in you post that you choose to love in spite of the mistreatment that you receive from others...and this is a wonderful state of mind to have ... but... is any of that Love being directed towards God? your Creator, Sustainer..... sometimes/ manytimes the afflictions that we experience in life is (though we seldom see this while we're in it) it's the loving hand of our Father, whipping his children to turn to him ... the following writing is by Thomas Brooks

When He shows no anger!
"The Lord disciplines the one He loves, and
punishes every son whom He receives." Heb. 12:6

There cannot be a greater evidence of God's
hatred and wrath--than His refusing to correct
men for their sinful courses and vanities!

Where God refuses to correct--there God resolves
to destroy! There is no man so near God's axe--so
near the flames--so near hell--as he whom God
will not so much as spend a rod upon!

"Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline."
Revelation 3:19

God is most angry--when He shows no anger!

Who can seriously meditate upon this, and not
be silent under God's most smarting rod?

This season that you're in, where everything seem to be falling apart, may be exactly where God wants you to be so that He can demonstrate his graces to you, HIS LOVE TO YOU...but that can only happen if you turn to Him. I hope my response didn't sound harsh in any way (that was not my intention)...I say this to you in love. I wish you peace of mind in this Christmas season and the new year.
n. morgan
www.keeptrustingGod.com

[Malyce]

First off, thank you to all of you who have reached out and given me their time. Not only that you had read my post, but the fact that you had posted such kind words. I literally would wake up for a few days and go to this very forum and read the replies on this very thread, and cry. Someone out there cares, and even though you don't know me and vice-versa, you have no idea what that very thought does for someone who's just looking for hope.

So I have an update. It's amazing how life changes in just a matter of days. It's now been a month and a half since I wrote this post, and life is continuing to ... well, be life. But who am I to complain or argue? I know I'm not alone, but sometimes, that doesn't make it any easier.

Christmas came and went, as did my birthday because I'm a Christmas baby. That within itself is depressing... hahaha! No, seriously!

As I mentioned before, my father was punishing me for standing at my mother's side. He didn't get me a birthday present this year. And for Christmas, I received a pair of socks. It's not the gift that matters, but the thought. I'm by no means ungrateful.

I had mentioned to him that I had received no birthday present from anyone but my mother, and I did it to see what he would say, not because I wanted something and also that was very true.

His reply: "I can't afford you a birthday present, especially when I'm flying myself and most of the family out for Hawaii tomorrow."

... Ouch. Can't say that I didn't ask for it, I guess.

Whatever the case, my father is obviously still very angry with me. He speaks through gifts. He always has.

I got terribly sick on my birthday. I was vomiting for over 12 hours. I got yelled at by a sister for using her bathroom. She and my father, on my birthday, were stating, "Don't touch me or anything around me! I fly out to Hawaii tomorrow! You should be in the guest bedroom away from everyone so you don't infect us."

No happy birthday. No I love you. No, "I hope you feel better." It was a, "Don't infect us."

Can you feel the love tonight? Wait, this isn't an Elton John song nor a Disney movie. Silly me!

The new year rang in. Good tidings and peace on earth, right? ... Right?! My Ish and I got in a fight shortly after the new year. What I am about to admit isn't easy for me, and I carry great shame for it.

We fought, hard. He reminded me of how my family had abandoned me, how my friends had left during the hard times ... and made them sound justified. My anger suddenly became terrible.

I live with these thoughts on a daily basis. I am not perfect. I am no where near. But to hear them from someone who is my rock ... I lost it.

I hit him. Several times. Let's be clear, though, it started out with me giving him a slap. And then he encouraged that I do it again. In my rage, I did. He then continued to tell me to do it again, and again and again. I obliged every time. With an open palm, I slapped each side of his face and allowed my anger to turn into something that became physical. And he just asked for more, telling me he could take it, and how good it must feel that I was doing it, and that I should continue doing it.

And I did.

It wasn't until I saw that I had cut his upper right lid with my fingernail and he bled, that I realized exactly what was happening. I gasped. I pulled away. And then he not only told me, "Are you proud of yourself? Look at what you did." He continued to berate me. Tell me what had just occurred was my fault and solely my fault.

I cried. I apologized. And then I shut down. And he continued to tell me how destructive I am while I said nothing at all.

I was so ashamed, and I even encouraged him to call the police. I told him that I would own my actions. He never did call, and I wish he had.

Huh. Great. Here I am confessing my deepest shame to a bunch of strangers. You all must thing I'm a terrible person. I feel that way every day. I wake up with it. I carry it.

It was then that when I shut down I went into the kitchen, sat on his shiny, polished wood floor and drank wine. I drank. And I deeply contemplated suicide once more.

My thoughts of suicide were my own. I never once voiced them. And they were very dark. I couldn't stop thinking about dying. I texted a "friend" and asked her for company, that I was in trouble. I needed a distraction. Once she found out that I didn't want to "party" with her, she didn't text me back.

We haven't spoken since.

And so that's when I started looking up my illness. I have two master degrees, and believe it or not, one is in psychology. What a **** up I am, right? I'm sure that makes your opinion of me all that much more. That last sentence was laced with sarcasm, in case you didn't pick that up. But, I'm sure you did.

I finally sat there and diagnosed myself. I have MMD. Major Mental Depression, and to the point where I was lingering on PMD - Psychotic Mental Depression. The only reason why I include PMD is because I am slightly paranoid, and I think that people are talking about me. But for no other reason than that.

Anger is closely linked with depression. That was comforting. Because I am a "Make love not war" kind of girl. Love everyone around you. Respect humanity. Linger on the goodness they provide. And yet I was the opposite for that brief moment.

I got so desperate for finding another answer for life. Talking myself into living, I found a local suicide hotline. She treated me like I was worth something. She listened to me. Her name was Kim. She was fabulous.

She encouraged I check myself in.

I refused.

But she listened. She was good to me. My phone eventually died. This whole conversation was happening in my car, by the way. The Ish wouldn't leave me alone and I desperately needed someone. So I went to my car to talk. When the phone died in the middle of our conversation, I went back to the house and went to the basement so that way I wouldn't wake the Ish (our bedroom is on the first floor). I was just going to plug in my phone and continue to have privacy.

The Ish had put a lock on the basement door. Remember how I had told you I wasn't allowed down there without him? I didn't know until that moment that he had locked me out of the basement all together.

A piece of me died that moment and it hasn't been revived.

I ended up finally sleeping because my body forced itself to shut down. I got up, still as depressed as I had ever been and contemplating, what seemed to me as the inevitable, and I realized then Kim was right; I had to check myself in.

I called my local "mental hospital". I don't have insurance and I was afraid of not being able to afford it. The man I talked to encouraged me to come in anyway, that they had ways of helping.

And I finally went. I packed a small duffle bag. I was told that I would be checked in mandatory for 72 hours. I knew it was coming. I prepared for it.

I went to check myself in and cried terribly out there on the couch of the lobby area of this mental hospital. Sobbed horribly. People were coming in and checking themselves in as if there was no big deal. Remember my jacket of my favorite team the Ish had given me? I saw an old man in a Giants jacket (not my team but I do adore them) checking in with his wife or girlfriend next to him. She read a book as he nonchalantly filled out his paperwork. She would occasionally lean over and pat his hand. But it seemed so routine for him. I felt then I was looking at my future. Would I be so willing to check myself in so commonly that I would become that? And yet I couldn't fill out the paperwork.

I got up to go to the bathroom. Actually, I left my unfilled paperwork on the couch to go to the bathroom to take a shot of liquor I had put in my pocket. Liquid courage.

As I exited the bathroom, with every intention of leaving the facility, there was a gentleman and he said my name. He was the man I had talked to earlier when I called worried about paying for it all. He knew it was me. He remembered me.

I don't mean to leave the story in the middle, and I'm sorry. But I'm tired. I'm confused right now and I feel like total **** reliving my story. I'm ashamed. I'm sad. And the worst part is, I'm not through. Isn't it amazing how life can change just like that?

Forgive me for leaving here and now, I'll come back. But right now I can't do this. It's harder than I thought. once more, thank you so much for being so kind to me and loving and reaching out. Thank you so much, in ways that you will never understand.

I'll attempt to write more tomorrow. But I can't do this right now.

God bless you all.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by Malyce

But right now I can't do this. It's harder than I thought.

Yes, it is difficult. Take your time, Malyce. Even if this is for your own therapy, know that others will profit from your experiences.

[Suki22]

***welcome to PC!***

kidding. I get what you mean about the new member introductions. a lot of times I don't know how to write something meaningful, so I benefit from the "hugs" button a lot. I gave you a hugs for your post because I'm overwhelmed by your story and your writing is amazing. you seem like a bright, strong woman and even bright, strong women need support. as you've seen by the responses, a lot of people care and we don't want you to "break." I don't know what else to say or how to say anything more meaningful that I care and thank you so much for your post!

[roads]

malyce, I'm glad you stopped when you did. I'm so glad to hear from you & know where you are, that you are safe.

What very much concerns me is that you are confusing an intricate--possibly to the point of self-harming??--re-living of a deeply disturbing and recent experience with updating us.

Please, when you come back here, don't pick up where you left off. Just focus on you, whether you stayed in the hospital, did they help you?

You will have a support system, I hope, now, outside of this family-bound life that gives you none. Build your PC connection, too, if you can--it can become more valuable as time passes.

I'm confused tho. Is this Ish person your husband? I don't remember from before. Why are you not allowed in the basement?

Roadie