I wish someone would understand this at work

I really wish the work place had some people who actually understand that it is hard for me to show up. I'm at a point where I'd almost rather not be paid just so I can not show up than show up and get paid. I need the money for the family though, so I force myself.

All of the people I work with annoy me on those days when I'm really feeling bad. I just can't take hyper or panic or any of those normal stupid emotions people have at work. I'm going to stay stoic and not care. I don't care, but I have to care. I hate pretending.

What's worse is the treatment plans. They all in the end just tell you to get over it. Either it's "Go to work, you'll feel better anyway" or "Do the opposite of what you feel", screw that! I'm sick of it. Why can't I just get a buddy to hang out with and help me feel less lonely and sad. Someone to remind me that mistakes happen and I don't have to feel bullied. One hour with a therapist isn't going to change my thinking and I can't do it myself. I'm tired and worn out.

Another stupid day for me today. I'll get through somehow, but I still hate treatment now. Therapists with CBT crap - change my thoughts, then feelings, well I feel this way pre-cognitively - no thoughts trigger it dammit! Psychiatrists with adding more meds, I take so much stuff for depression and high blood pressure it's causing me to leak potassium, so I take a horse-pill of potassium and now I'm wetting the bed at night! Frig!

But who cares at work. I'm supposed to contribute to a happy office and be productive and helpful. I need the paycheck,but I don't want to need it. I resent having to work so much right now.

Although they never used these exact words, my favorite was, "Here, take these pills and then fake it till you make it." Argh.

Akekaomen, the high blood pressure pills that make you wet the bed at night..sounds like you should take them in the morning. That's what we tell our patients at the hospital. They make you pee a lot and you will lose potassium with many of them. Those Potassium pills are big !

I know how work is. It sucks. I've done stoic. It only worked for so long, though.

I hope you feel better.

WTH

I take them first thing every morning...I think stress is also a factor plus another med I take technically tries to keep me making urine. All of them I take before 6am.

Have to keep the blood pressure low. Already have dizzy spells that got me an echocardio and a holter event monitoring. Waiting for results on those to see if my heart is causing my dizziness when I walk sometimes.

Anyway, I've definitely heard the "fake it 'till you make it" theory. I must be so good at faking it that I don't know who I am anymore. I'm just a mask. It's funny that I can think of this jokingly, but I don't have anyone around to joke with. I'm not ashamed of my depression and i'll tell people - I don't care how awkward they get. Hell i want them to feel awkward because it hurts me too. But only around people who really get it can you really have a joke or two. People who just get down or aren't nailed with crippling urge to sleep all day or hide don't really get it. It's like talking to condescending idiots.

Not sure what my problem is today. I'm not content to be just down. I want to be annoying too. But I won't. I'll just keep the act going if I can. I should charge for the show - lead actor is me being normal

to go to the hospital or not...If I go, I might get stuck going to the one contracted by my insurance company, which is close to where I work (2 hours from home). If I don't, I'm not sure how long I can keep coming to work feeling this way. I don't have time off and I don't think my doctor will just sign me up for FMLA to stay home.

Maybe if I go to the hospital near my home and try to get evaluated for a day program, they will negotiate the need for me to be near home rather than go to the contracted agency.

Lastly, what good would it do anyway. It's just another time to listen to "go to work when you don't feel like it" type of therapy. Think about happy things and you'll feel happier type of CBT. Or will it be helpful and give me a chance to reset a bit....

Well talking to myself anyway. I don't know if there's a right answer. I just know I'm a wreck, but functional enough. Functional enough to get to work and do something. My family is in bad shape because my wife is finally breaking down and my daughter is struggling with her own issues now at 12 (some big ones it seems). My 4 year old is the only one with a stable emotional life in my family.

Yesterday I was so upset in the morning I had to call out sick. I didn't have the willpower to get to work despite my feelings. I'm a bit numb today and anxious about what if anything will come up of my being out. I'm going to get an fmla filed for intermittant absences. I think that will ease some anxiety about being out sick for depression.

I think what put me over the edge yesterday was the fact that my wife seems to need a break from me and my older daughter's mental illness. I really started to believe she was going to leave me and I also don't have any time to take off to care for the kids alone so I'd have to miss work unpaid. I emailed my boss for permission to work from home for a week so my wife could go to her parents place in Canada. I think the shame and guilt built up too much.

My wife helps me function so i can go to work and make money. If I lose that support, I will completely fall apart.

I'm curiuos is there absolutely anything that has made you smile or laugh in the past week? Like a show? A picture? A story? Anything?

There are pockets of times when my worries are not completely depressing me. I am mostly able to be OK at home and when there's no pressure on me to do anything. I've been able to do some things I like during those pockets of time, but when I have a responsibility or obgligation to do something, I get down again.

My cats have been fun to watch and I enjoy that. My kids have also been OK especially yesterday. My older daughter did not have any meltdowns of her own and helped a lot with little things.

So I guess it's not horribly bad like some - or rather I'm used to some of the pain. I just am constantly worried or uneasy when I relax and try to enjoy something. Taking the day off was a big help, but I'm now trying to keep up the fake face at work today.

I took 4 days off work to destress and get my head back on. I feel you there.

Maybe you could try to record a happy memory each day. Like was the weather nice, one time your kids or wife smiled, when you laughed absolutely anything, if someone was nice to you etc.

Then when stuff gets to you you can read these or look at a picture and immerse yourself in that one small moment of enjoyment or relaxation. Re live that happy moment in your head.

It may not fix your entire day but at least in that one small moment you are thinking of something good.

That's a good suggestion. I do have a paragraph my wife wrote in an email about the kids that inspires me, so I have it clipped on my computer and just call it up to help. It's not perfect, but gives relief for that moment.

I also just started to mark up a list of skills/points for each day to keep some track of the work I'm doing to cope. Things like petting the cats, putting my worry away, etc... I'll add some of what you mention to it so I can give myself some credit for helping myself.

Depression is not a direct willpower disease. You can't get out by willing to be out, but it seems it takes willpower to do the things that you need to do to help yourself. It's a strange arrangement and I get really mad about it. It's an area I have the hardest time just accepting - that I have to help myself to work my way through depression by doing little things. I am foolishly clinging to an idea that I should be able to just be happy/feel good naturally and not have to work toward that goal.

I appreciate the listening. Need somewhere to just post my feelings.

I've been feeling better, but still very anxious. My doctor now thinks that DBT is the next therapy option for me. My therapist isn't working for me. Psychodynamic and CBT type of therapy isn't really working at all.

It was just funny that my P-doc said that there wasn't anything more they could do and that really it's just a matter of coping. They're right, but I wish they had figured that out a long time ago as I had been saying that this talk therapy wasn't as important as finding a way to help me cope with life enough to work and be a father and husband.

Now to make phone calls and hopefully find a new therapist that has hours that will work. I've done some dbt in groups at a hospital, so I know about the techniques and honestly it seems mostly to revolve around coping. talking about my parents and childhood isn't really very effective in getting me to cope.

The people who are employed in my department don't show up. But I do, because I have no other source of income. I have to work to support myself. Right now I am doing my job and the work of two other people (who have a variety of excuses for not showing up; apparently the company is cool with them taking off days and days at a time), plus babysitting my boss, who apparently has nothing to do but harass me. I know just want you mean about not wanting to go to work. Work sucks. When you do go to work, why not try being honest about how you feel? There is no need to "put on a happy face." Unless you are modeling cosmetics or teeth whitening products, I see no reason why you must smile or pretend you're happy to be there. It might be they don't understand where you work because you haven't told them.

I'd love to be more honest. It's been on my review that I'm negative, so I need to fake it more I guess.

You could distract yourself by diving into other people at work. Get to know them laugh a little with them ask how someone is doing how the weekend was how are the kids etc etc etc.....get them to do all the talking then you might be more comfortable in the office and won't feel so alienated......also have little totems with you that make you feel at least a little good inside like a funny photo family picture a quote or something like that. That way when the day gets to you you can glance at it and have at least a moment of feel goodness.

Find some good things in your life and focus on that. Like your daughters, its very important to kids to have parents that are interested in them. Gluck.

Rather than start a new thread, I'll just post here.

I no longer know what diagnosis I have. I'm just a bunch of uncontroled emotions and unable to concentrate on anything I'm not interested in. I have started dbt therapy, but it feels more like a grin and bear it style - with distractions. I think my failure is thinking I'm special. Others are just as uncomfortable as I am. I'm not worse off than many people, but I'm a baby because I can't stop feeling frustrated.

I don't want to accept the world - my life - the way it is, but I feel powerless to change it. Even writing it makes me feel like a baby. Oh well, I can't accept the alternative and my family needs money, so I'll try to cope/endure until I can find the secret answer to happiness (there is none I assume)

Hello, Akekaomen!
Tentative Personal Observation: If there is a secret answer to happiness, it more readily comes to those who are not actively seeking happiness. Yes, a paradox.