[SoupDragon]

The hardest part about suicidal thoughts is not being able to share them. I know that they pass and not to act on them, but in the meantime I am just stuck with them with no-one to talk about them with. It is like a permanent horor story playing in my head, yet one that I have to keep private. I understand that the theory may be not to pay attention to them and by talking about them it may reinforce them, so here I sit with them alone.

(((((Soup)))))

Ok, Can you distract and do something nice for yourself? Put on your favourite DVD? Take a bath put some music on? Hope you feel better soon

[mindamarie]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

The hardest part about suicidal thoughts is not being able to share them. I know that they pass and not to act on them, but in the meantime I am just stuck with them with no-one to talk about them with. It is like a permanent horor story playing in my head, yet one that I have to keep private. I understand that the theory may be not to pay attention to them and by talking about them it may reinforce them, so here I sit with them alone.

Omg I'm the same way. Being alone with them sucks, but it isnt safe to keep things bottled inside. You know you can talk to any of us, right? Also maybe think about getting a T to talk things over with.

[SoupDragon]

Thanks for your posts - yes PC is a great place, I know that there are people to listen on here - but these thoughts do have to be kept private don't they? Like a secret never to be shared - but it is good knowing that people understand - there is the other stuff, the weights that put me in this place, but at times it feels never ending and I am not sure I have the motivation to write all the stuff down that is putting me here - even I get sick of going around in the same circles - hot bath sounds good - off to run it now. Soup

[TerryL]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

but these thoughts do have to be kept private don't they? Like a secret never to be shared

Is it because of the "no suicide talk" guidelines of this forum? or do you mean you should not share your feelings with anyone at all? If you keep them in they will just eat you up inside. You really need to express them. If you are not comfortable expressing them to others, or just not wanting to burden them, at least write your feelings down. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about my troubles so I journal. just to get things out of my system. and you are always welcome to PM me too.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by TerryL

Is it because of the "no suicide talk" guidelines of this forum? or do you mean you should not share your feelings with anyone at all? If you keep them in they will just eat you up inside. You really need to express them. If you are not comfortable expressing them to others, or just not wanting to burden them, at least write your feelings down. I don't have anyone IRL to talk to about my troubles so I journal. just to get things out of my system. and you are always welcome to PM me too.

Thanks TerryL - I guess both really. I know the guidelines here state that we can't share details, but it is those details that I don't actually want in my head and find really disturbing at times - I totally understand why it would not be appropriate to share them here - but even the Samaritans blank them. Maybe everyone is right, if we focus more, it makes them more risky, but the alternative is a very lonely one.

I am sorry you have noone IRL to share things with either, but that journalling helps. I just don't know where to start really - like a big cake has been mixed up and I can't see the individual ingredients anymore. Plus I am tired of going over the same things.

I really appreciate your offer to PM if I need someone to talk to - thanks TerryL - hugs to you - Soup

[TerryL]

but it is those details that I don't actually want in my head and find really disturbing at times - I totally understand why it would not be appropriate to share them here - but even the Samaritans blank them. Maybe everyone is right, if we focus more, it makes them more risky, but the alternative is a very lonely one.

I am not a trained professional, and I could be wrong, but I have always felt that it is especially such dire thoughts that need to be expressed (in the right environment) and hopefully dealt with. else they will just fester. Of course, finding the right person to talk to about them is probably not easy.

I just don't know where to start really - like a big cake has been mixed up and I can't see the individual ingredients anymore. Plus I am tired of going over the same things.

I know exactly what you mean. I have gone over my own issues a gazillion times and it also has become a big mish-mash in my brain. Funny thing though, because I have no insurance, I was forced to be my own T. It has actually empowered me and I think I understand myself as much as any T could. I even found peace for a while. Even though that peace has gone away for now, I hope the self awareness that I have gained will one day lead me out of the despair again. I really hope you will find some peace too one day Soup.

[roads]

You've done some meditating I think, so you know there are two kins ... One where of mindfulness where you bring focus to a thought or cluster or thoughts--& I think that is what you do not want to do with suicidal preoccupations.

However, there's another type of meditation, the form of release. You invite Obama these thought into your mind in order to release them from your mind and into the universe. I think ideas that we harbor of our death are best set free.

If you aren't able to set them free through meditation or journaling, maybe you do need a partner or mentor or sponsor or someone whom you could "release"this to--not for comment, feedback, or any other purpose that simply to flow freely away from you. They are not evil throughts--you're not subject to judgment.

My opinion.

Roadie

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by TerryL

I am not a trained professional, and I could be wrong, but I have always felt that it is especially such dire thoughts that need to be expressed (in the right environment) and hopefully dealt with. else they will just fester. Of course, finding the right person to talk to about them is probably not easy.

I know exactly what you mean. I have gone over my own issues a gazillion times and it also has become a big mish-mash in my brain. Funny thing though, because I have no insurance, I was forced to be my own T. It has actually empowered me and I think I understand myself as much as any T could. I even found peace for a while. Even though that peace has gone away for now, I hope the self awareness that I have gained will one day lead me out of the despair again. I really hope you will find some peace too one day Soup.

Thanks TerryL - yes I feel I have exhausted all avenues with the thoughts - I am not sure what I would want from someone else if I shared them - maybe just ackknowledgement that it is hard going dealing with them on a daily basis. They have been constant for about 2 years - sometimes quieter and easier to ignore, but other times full on so that I have to change my behaviour to manage them.

I saw my T yesterday and I found it a difficult session - T is the professional but I don't think gave me what I needed yesterday - not that I know what I needed, but I feel in conflict with T now and T has become another source of pressure. I can feel other coping strategies being triggered now and I need to find a way of taking full control of myself - to keep myself in hand.

Well done to you for being your own T - I guess seeing T's is about getting to know ourselves as ultimately this "gift" of life is ours isn't it? I am wondering whether I am so "odd" that I will never find someone who ever really "gets" me and maybe I should think whether my T is actually helping or whether I am just a challenge for T to expore as part of T's job.

Let's hope we can both find some peace - thanks for being here - Soup

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Roadie

You've done some meditating I think, so you know there are two kins ... One where of mindfulness where you bring focus to a thought or cluster or thoughts--& I think that is what you do not want to do with suicidal preoccupations.

However, there's another type of meditation, the form of release. You invite Obama these thought into your mind in order to release them from your mind and into the universe. I think ideas that we harbor of our death are best set free.

If you aren't able to set them free through meditation or journaling, maybe you do need a partner or mentor or sponsor or someone whom you could "release"this to--not for comment, feedback, or any other purpose that simply to flow freely away from you. They are not evil throughts--you're not subject to judgment.

My opinion.

Roadie

Thank-you Roadie - yes I understand what you have written there and it makes sense. I am scared to do the meditation - I experienced such great results from it a couple of weeks ago, but these thoughts / images are not ones I want to sit and focus on.

Maybe I will try writing them down / drawing them and then throwing them away to see if that will help calm them. Thankyou for highlighting that they are not evil thoughts, that helps me alot too. My brain has been feeling pretty alien and evil.

Soup

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( Soup ))))))))))))

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

((((((((((((( Soup ))))))))))))

Thanku so much fuzzybear. Soup

[TerryL]

T is the professional but I don't think gave me what I needed yesterday

Hi Soup-- are you feeling better today? I hope you can work things out with your T. Do you tell him/her what you need? I tried a few Ts (before going DIY) and never thought they were right for me but in hindsight I wished I had told them what I needed from them. At least give them that chance to change course...still, don't people change Ts all the time? Ultimately, I think you should just trust your gut.

I am wondering whether I am so "odd" that I will never find someone who ever really "gets" me

I think finding someone who gets one is hard to do but not impossible. I hope it will happen for you.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by TerryL

Hi Soup-- are you feeling better today? I hope you can work things out with your T. Do you tell him/her what you need? I tried a few Ts (before going DIY) and never thought they were right for me but in hindsight I wished I had told them what I needed from them. At least give them that chance to change course...still, don't people change Ts all the time? Ultimately, I think you should just trust your gut.


I think finding someone who gets one is hard to do but not impossible. I hope it will happen for you.

Thanks TerryL, I have actually just agreed with my T that I will have an extra session. I am so hoping that I don't again just sit them cringing, but can fidn a way of talking - I am just not sure I know what I want to say - it is like 2 bits of me wanting different things.

I have never had a different T and that makes it hard to judge whether this one is a good one.

But I am ploddign along, one step at a time.

Thanks - Soup